and the walls go up....

Like most of us, I have days where I struggle emotionally.

Today is one, yesterday was also.

And I don't mean I have depression, or that I am a slobbering mess perched on the sofa with copious amounts of chocolate and chick flicks... just that I have days where I feel 'off'.

The best word I can think of to describe it is.. disconnected.

I feel distanced emotionally from Sir.

Some days it is when I am craving control of some sort, possibly the days where I miss the tasks that I had a love/hate relationship with, other days I just feel alone. It annoys me that some days there seems to be no reason for it.

The stupid thing is I can feel whats happening to me, and I can feel the invisible walls of protection rising inside of me. I already know- that is when I seem to hold back emotionally, to not share things as easily, if at all.
When I feel alone, I feel the need to protect myself.
I 'back off' so if the hurt comes, I am a little prepared.

There is no hurt coming my way that I know of, so these feeling are in no way, shape or form justified, they are simply something that I have obviously done over the years to protect myself emotionally. And I gather it is not something I can turn off at will.


I try my hardest not to be a needy sub, to not demand attention. If I need it, I can usually find the words to ask for it, without being whingy and whining. But there are some days where I seem to need something more than others.

I have no idea what the something is....but I am working on it.
In the meantime, I am doing my best to keep those walls of protection from rising too far.

Marked forever His...

The time since I last blogged about the nipple clamps has been pretty much vanilla and D/s free.

What surprises me about that is I am actually ok with it.

In all honesty, I am probably more than ok with it.

Have I missed the kink? Yes

Have I missed feeling submissive? Yes

Have I felt the normal cravings for control?? No...they seem to have gone walkabout.

In the time since I first began this BDSM journey, I have fluctuated between saying I could no longer live without kink of some kind, and the insistence that Sir means more to me than kink ever could.

Could I give up kink to keep Sir?? Yes

Do I have to?? Not that I am aware of.

Why is this rambling shit even worthy of a blogpost?? I have no clue.

It has been a huge 2 weeks for Sir and I. And the 3 weeks prior to that haven't been much better.

We have had little to no time alone in 5 weeks...this is where I can now truly sympathise with those married couples who live kink 24/7 with kids in the house constantly.

Am I craving time with Sir alone?? Yes, but it is in a different way than normal.

I want a sleep in.
I want a ride on the motorcycle with no deadline to be home.
I want a coffee at 'our' special coffee shop in the hills.
I want to walk around naked.
I want to get drunk and not worry about kids and my hangover not blending well.
I want loud music.
I want peace and quiet.
I want everything.

I just need Sir..nothing more and nothing else.

I know I sound like a normal woman in love when I say this, but He is my hero.
The last 5 weeks have shown me more about Him than the 5 months before that.

Something about seeing someone under pressure, in a situation that is not normal and watching how they cope with stress, life, illness and pressure often gives you an indication of what is true and real.
There is no time or inclination to put on a false facade, to pretend to be someone you're not.
And I am not saying that is what Sir has done, what I am saying is I have watched over the last 5 weeks and realised He is my hero.

Did He leap tall buildings or stop bullets?? No

What He did do was make me fall in love all over again.

If I can be half the parent He is, I will be happy.
If I can be half the partner to Him that He is to me, I will be happy.
If I can show Him half the love I have felt Him give to me, I will be happy.
I will always strive to be the best I can be for Him, to make sure I never get complacent and forget to make sure He knows how much I appreciate Him and the things He does for me.

I have sat and designed about 6 different tattoo's over the last 4 months. ( There is a long wait when you want the best tattoo artist around) I wanted a tattoo on my foot....(that is a whole nother blog post on its own,) but the end result was me designing a tattoo around the word "Sir"

I am honoured to be marked His.

I like mine kinky.....

I have used been told to use clothes pins (pegs to all the Aussies) on my nipples.

I have had them pinched by fingers.

I have had them bitten.

I have had them sucked.

I have had them sucked into large syringe type things with suction play.

Up until a few weeks ago...I had never had the pleasure of using nipple clamps.

Sir surprised me mid play by putting nipple clamps on me.

I will say, previous to that, I was nervous about the thought of them, having heard stories of how much they hurt...and having never been one to enjoy nipple play in the past. But, I was pleasantly surprised at how much I enjoyed it.

Feeling Sir yank on the chain sent a direct fizzle of excitement straight to the clit...leaving me feeling decidedly "clenchy" on the inside.

(Boys...this is the female equivalent of being so hard it hurts.)

My cunt actually clenches involuntarily looking for something to grip onto.

Only issue I had with the clamps was they never seemed to be tight enough and with a little tug, they slipped off.

I went shopping the next day for a set of clover clamps. Needless to say...the shop I went to didn't have any.

But they did have this very pretty pair with beads and danglies.

The past couple of weeks have been hectic, both of us busy, both of us sick with the winter cough and cold that seems standard, and up until last night, they hadn't been used.

Last night Sir was in an unusual mood.
I had been particularly cheeky, teasing Him on and off during the day, but when the kids had all been put to bed...I was about to pay for the Sassy mood I had been in.( why these moods surprise Him, I will never know. He knew me as Sassy before He knew my real name. Surely the name gives a clue??)

He teased me a little, yanking my hair, being rough, calling me all those names I love to hear out of HIS mouth.....then He asked me what I wanted.

I was a little hesitant to answer, but the yank on the hair and Him repeating the question had me sure He was waiting for an answer...and quickly.

It is something that I am not entirely comfortable with.
I feel like it shouldn't be about what I want, but having said that, I do understand the reasoning that He cannot always know how I am feeling. He points out to me that even when I answer those types of questions...this is no guarantee that I will get what I ask for. I can tell Him I want a cup of coffee....but I may get tea instead. I still get a hot drink, just not what it is I am craving.

"Please Sir...may I have the nipple clamps, the butt plug, the hitachi and the blindfold?"

I didn't get the blindfold, but I was face down anyway.

I did get the butt plug...but not the small one I was expecting.

I did get the nipple clamps, but not until I was "whimpering and pleading" permission to cum.

(Sir has really taken a liking to making me beg for permission and denying me for what seems like forever before granting it)

I was borderline finding out what punishment I would receive for cumming after I had been told not to when the clamps went on. It was instantaneous and involuntary. I was on the edge in seconds.

Some more "whimpering and pleading" later.... the hitachi went on my clit, while Sir fucked me.. I had the clamps on my nipples and the butt plug up my arse.

I thought I had died and gone to heaven.
I also thought I may pass out from the strength of the orgasm I was finally allowed to have.

Most girls like jewellery. I like mine kinky.....

Shoes, Shoes and more shoes!!!!

I have a thing for feet.

Hate them.

Disgusting vile things they are.

Toejam, manky nails, callouses, ugly feet, big feet.... even typing that sentence made me dry retch.

The single only reason I haven't asked a Doctor to cut mine off is.......


SHOES!!!!

I lurve shoes.

Especially heels.

HIGH heels!!

BOOTS

God love em... I love em all.

red, pink, green, black, purple, orange...any colour heels and I love every single pair.

If I were richer....I am betting my nickname would be Emelda.

I have found a haven for shoes.

Funky shoes.

Heels

Boots

Even those shoes I would never let my mother see me wearing.

And even better...the owner is a spunky and handsome kinky guy.

I am about to break the self imposed ban on new shoes just to buy a pair from his website... I have been eyeing them off for a couple weeks as the website slowly got built.

I think you should go check the shoes out.....and more importantly BUY SOME.

Great return policy, always impeccable service and the best range I have seen for kinksters in a LONG time (like forever)

You can find the link HERE


Let me know what you think, and I promise I will upload a pic of me wearing my new shoes as soon as I decide between the 15 pairs I have my eye on!!!

Why can't I be normal???

There are some days I wish like fuck I was a normal girl.

That BDSM had never entered my life.

That my relationship was just like everyone else's.


Some days I am jealous of the vanilla's.

Please Sir...may I cum??

It has been no secret that I have had issues with orgasms in the past.

To put it bluntly... I didn't.
I did by myself..but never with a partner.

I do now.
Insert big cheesy grin

They require a little time and patience, but I do get there.

Do I have an orgasm every time Sir and I have sex??
No.

There are times when He takes what He pleases (which I love) and vaginal sex is not something I can orgasm from.
I need direct clitoral stimulation.
Vibrator or tongue. Fingers don't seem to do the job since I got my clit hood pierced.

Last night was a first for me.

Some snuggling in bed after the kids were asleep turned into me getting my nipples pinched and pulled, which evolved into some violet wand play which left me wriggling on the bed like a fish out of water, which then turned into me getting oral sex.

It is not something I was ever really comfortable with before, but since I get orgasms...it is high up there on the favourites list now.

Sir has come to know my body and reactions very well...He knows exactly where to lick, suck and touch to get me to orgasm.
Last night however...things were a little different.

The norm for me is to ask permission before orgasm, which is something like

"Sir..please may I cum?"

To which I normally get a "Yes, you may"

Last night I got a "No you can't"

The sassy cheeky devil in my head said "What the fuck? You have GOT to be kidding. NO??"

The actual sound that came out was "Ohhhhhhhhh god"

Sir stopped licking that exact spot for all of about 30 seconds and went right back at it.

I asked again.

Again He said No.

And again, and again, and again.

By this point I wanted to cry. Part of me wanted to cum so bad it was hurting and the other part was wondering if I DID get permission, would I even be able to at this point?
I am damn sure He could hear the begging in my voice as I repeatedly asked permission, only to be denied.
He rose above me and began to fuck me, whispering in my ear that He owned my orgasms, and I was not allowed to cum until He said, telling me I was His dirty slut, pulling my hair back, hand at throat, all the things He knew would turn me on more and more.
Then He went back to licking me, getting me right back to where I had been on the edge for what seemed like an eternity.

I asked yet again, this time to finally be granted permission, but I had asked about 25 licks too soon, and it felt like I was never going to get over that edge.
Sir's knowledge of my body was on show as He felt me on the edge and pushed the button I needed pushed...sending me into space.

It went on and on and on and on and on until I wanted to cry from the exquisite pain I was in.

I then got fucked hard. Hard enough that I thought I would have trouble walking today.

I had my first lesson on Orgasm denial. I am not entirely sure I liked it, but I guess thats not the point is it?

The "slave" number issue.......

I found a blog.

There's a surprise... NOT

But I digress and before I continue.. I warn you.. Please read the following with sarcasm inserted in the appropriate places. If you cannot tell where the sarcasm needs to be, this post may not be suitable for you.

Anyway, I found this blog.. written by a "slave".

I am not normally one to publicly criticise someone for sharing their feelings and documenting their journey, but I am going to, without guilt, due to the fact that I am not posting a link, nor is she ever likely to read my blog and feel bad.

Every post she has written makes me cringe.
Badly spelt, words inappropriately placed which alter the whole meaning of the point she is attempting to make, grammar seems to be a dirty word, and yet, her whole tone is that of someone who is educated.
This is an educated woman in her 40's from what I can gather, not a young 18 year old with a "drop out" degree from the school of hard knocks.

But I read on, curious as to whether she actually has a point to get to, it can be almost like a car accident.. you know you don't really want to see the carnage, but you cannot stop yourself watching.

She has a slave number.

And I can hear you saying "What's your point?"

My point is thus....

I have always held the belief that when someone is given the gift of a slave number, that their Domly Dom type is the person who is doing the registering.
Kinda like getting a collar.
You don't just go shopping for your own collar, then present it to yourself, or god forbid, just show up wearing one. (unless it is just a fashion accessory)
They are actually supposed to mean something.
(This is also the reason I will never EVER buy my own wedding ring)(again)

Similarly...the slave number.

If your Domly Dom type wants you to have one, my thoughts are he will get it and present it when the slave is deserving.

Noooooo, this badly blogging slave asked permission and then went out and got her own.

Good for her!!

Now.... I ponder, does it mean the same when you have to get your own?

Does the coffee not taste better when someone else makes it?
Does food not always taste better when someone else cooks?
Does the car not always sparkle a little more when someone else cleans it?

Does that collar not mean more that you earn it?

Maybe she did earn it I hear you say.....

Maybe she did. And if she did..does she not wonder why her Master didn't make the effort to do something like that for her?
After all, her whole world revolves around pleasing him....

If I went out and got my own slave number..it would mean jack shit to me..permission granted or otherwise.

Threesomes.....

Something that has been on my mind this week is threesomes.

I am a threesome virgin.

But the idea of being at the mercy of two males, to use as they pleased...turns me on.

Double penetration...or add a toy of some sort and make it a triple penetration...makes me curious.

Sir has always given me the impression that He is unlikely to ever share me with another..even on a one off basis.
And I will admit to taking some security in that. It is nice to know He protects me that much.
But after a comment made about filling all my holes, combined with a blog post elsewhere on the thoughts of a male Dom on threesomes, and a couple of posts about others who have had them, all have me thinking more about it.

I shared the blog post with Sir and was surprised by His reaction.
He indicated it was something that had been on His mind lately also.

I asked why the apparent change of mind about sharing me and got the answer "because I trust you"

Am I shopping for someone to play with us??

Not in a pink fit.

Would I if asked?

If I was made to...otherwise I wouldn't.

If Sir wants to share me with another, I would rather it be someone I don't know, someone I won't have contact with again. I never want this to be an issue between us, bring a friend into it would only cause doubts as far as I can see.

But how do you find a person to trust who you don't already know and won't see again?.... that is the dilemma in my head that makes me think I will just have to keep it as a fantasy.

Luckily for me... there are toys we can use to fill more than one hole at a time.