Without Ice for me please....

I realised today that I still have emotional hang-ups left over from past relationships, that I didn't even know about.

I have a hang up when I feel un-important. I didn't say MADE TO FEEL, I said feel. As in the way I feel.
The fucktard used to tell me to go places on my own when they didn't interest him. And fair enough, but what he chose to forget was all the places I went with him that I didn't particularly like, but I did.
To have time. To learn. To look after the kids. To have FAMILY TIME.
When it was reversed, different story.
Eventually I gave up and either didn't go at all, or went on my own.
This created me having my own social life, which made the gap harder to bridge when I could see the "end of marriage" writing on the wall.

I have a hang up about hearing voices.
And I don't mean I have voices in my head, although I probably do, but I believe that when things are important, they should be dealt with in person, or failing the ability to do that, then on the phone.
To be able to HEAR emotion in someone's voice can sometimes make understanding the words so much easier. This hang up is from my ex-Master and the inability we had to be able to have time to speak, either in person or on the phone. And this is not a blame thing, just a fact.

I have a  hang-up about nagging .... I will not nag, or at least, I hate to nag.
I will ask twice.
Then, I will either forget it and move on, change plans, do whatever is necessary to make sure whatever I have asked for is no longer required OR I just do it myself.
If this means paying a stranger to do something, then so be it.
If this means cancelling plans I was really looking forward to, then so be it.
If this means physically doing something I shouldn't, then so be it.

Once is a request.
The second time is a reminder.
The third time becomes nagging.

If it cannot be done, then that should be said right from the beginning.
This hang up is also from the dickwad, 14 years of half done jobs and nagging, cured me forever.


And the final hang up......

I say what I mean.
I say No..it means No
I say Yes, it means Yes.
If you ask me a question, expect the honest answer and BELIEVE IT.
Don't ask for my opinion, then tell me it is wrong. If you already know better than me, don't bother asking.
(exception to the rule....during play, or while tied up and being teased, cos damn near anything might come out then)

And for fucks sake...Don't put ice in my drink when I have told you I prefer it without!!

Alone, but never lonely again....

I sit here alone.

There is no one in the house but me.

But yet, I am not lonely.

Sir is with me always.
He left a little while ago, leaving me here, marked, bruised, and very happy.

This has been a weekend of firsts for me.

The first time I have spent a weekend with someone since I became single over a year ago.
I have spent time with friends, but this is different.

We weren't more than 15 feet apart the entire weekend.
Normally, after that long in one persons company, I would be craving a little solitude, a little 'me' space, some time alone to do the things I wish to do, and yet I sit here, wishing he was beside me.

We ticked quite a few things off the 'bucket list' of things we wish to experience together.
Some D/s, some not.

I have new barbells in my nipple piercings.
Placed there by Sir.
These fit, the others were too big, now they sit flush, each side, with no space to get caught on things.

It was not quite the weekend either of us were expecting.
We both have ex partners, children and life sometimes gets in the way of best laid plans.

But even though it wasn't quite what I was expecting, in some ways, it was better than I thought.
To be able to wake up in his arms twice, to tick morning sex off the bucket list, to introduce Sir to some of my family, to meet friends of his, to laugh at things in the sex shop, to just be a 'normal' couple for a little while, was something I didn't even know how much I would enjoy.

I have blogged in the past that my ex-Master got a part of me no one else did, and I stand by that statement.
He did.
He no longer gets that part of me.

Instead, I found that there is more that I can give, things I have taken for granted, things I used to do a LONG time ago, that were never appreciated, taken for granted, are now the same little things that I can, will, and want to do again.
I was taught to appreciate my inner slut.
Now I revel in it.

Knowing I can walk around naked, all the bits of me that are pre-loved, used and worn with age are not only liked, but appreciated and loved.

I am different with Sir than I have been with others.
I cannot sit next to him and not touch him in some way, it may only be a hand on the leg, or a brush or arms, but there is a need inside me to touch.
Sitting at his feet, while having coffee with my family.....not a big deal to most, and yet to me, Fucking awesome. My family think nothing of me sitting on the floor, it is a place they find me often, and yet they cannot know how 'right' it felt for me to be there, at HIS feet.
I can do the little things, get a drink without asking, I can see by the look on his face when he needs to be touched, hugged, kissed. There is a connection there like I have never known before.
And yet when we are alone, I get to be his dirty little slut.
I do not have to be ashamed of the things I want, of the fact that I love the way he fucks me, touches me, leaves me marked.

This upcoming week will be a test for me.
I have always had to be the strong one, do things for myself, take care of things.
I am not used to being looked after, not sure when the last time was I could admit that I wasn't ok.
I have surgery this week.
Up to a week in hospital, then another full week of bed rest.
I am looking forward to being better. Not fixed completely, but better than I am now.
No more daily pain.
No more bleeding.
No more worry about having to be careful where I go, what I do, and whether or not I have a bag and the things I need with me 'just in case'

I am a lucky girl.
To be able to give everything I have always wanted to give, to someone I love, trust, respect, honour and adore, and to know that it is appreciated, and those things are returned to me......there are no words to explain how that makes me feel.

I shared my blog this morning with Sir, while we were laying in bed.
I have waited to show him, I wanted to do it in person, to explain my journey, to let him know that this is where I do my thinking, to explain why there haven't been many blog posts lately.
I knew I could do all this over the phone, or online, but I didn't want to.
Much like telling him that I had fallen in love with him, it wasn't something I wanted to drop casually into the conversation, nor something I wanted to do from a distance.
I wanted to do it while I was safe in his arms.
I inherently knew that he would understand.
The fact he has someone in his past who he loves, but is not 'in love' with means it is easier to share my journey with him. I know he will understand. And the majority of it, I had already told him in some form or another.
Sir knows about my ex-Master, knows how much I am grateful of all the things he taught me, it is because of him, that I am the way I am. How can I not appreciate that?


But this is different.

This is Love, our life together, with a dash or 5 of kink to spice it up.
We might be a long way apart in terms of distance, but this is no LDR.
We plan on having as much time together as we can, whether it be vanilla with kids, or 'just us' or kinky and out and out dirty, slutty, forbidden, glorious fun on our own.

The thing that sticks in my mind the most is...

I was married, and could sit here with my ex in the same room and I was lonely.

Now I am with Sir, and I can sit here alone, but I am never lonely.

Bitch in Heels

Tomorrow I have to collect one of the kids from their father after I finish work.

BUT...... This is not normal... NOR am I working in my normal job tomorrow.

My normal job uniform consists of baggy jeans, a t-shirt and boots. Under which is usually a g-string or less, and occasionally some sort of writing on my body to go with the piercings that no one sees but Master.

But tomorrow, I get to play dress ups so to speak.

I am working a temp job for the next few days, weeks, whichever the case may be.

Out go the baggy jeans...in come the skinny leg jeans, or the short skirts, or a dress, along with a low cut top or two, bend over to help a customer...show them the meagre cleavage I can scrape up, dangling enticingly right beneath their eyes, encased in red lace, or black...depending on the mood, while I kneel at their feet in what I know to be a submissive position, but to them is just a good angle to perv, it appeals to them, but they are not quite sure why.

I have a feeling tomorrow will be a horny day...all dressed up, make-up on, heavier than normal, almost bordering on slut like...and won't I enjoy collecting aforementioned child from their father, while dressed like he has never seen, wearing those 5 inch heels he used to tell me I couldn't buy. ( I now have 5 pairs of shoes in that height heel)

With any luck the sight of me dressed like that will remind him of what he can't have, of what I am giving away.

If this is sounding slightly vindictive....it is.

Earlier in the week he got all childish with his communication with me, and this is payback of the worst kind....the only thing that could make it better is if one of his friends hits on me when I collect the child....I am ever hopeful he will be standing close enough to hear if the other boys comment on my longer looking legs, or the fact I have trimmed down, or that they didnt know I had a body like that under those horrible clothes I normally wear to work, or that they have never seen me with make-up on before.

I know him well...I know he will "grin and bear it" while I am there, all the while seething with anger inside that I have gotten on with my life, and that I am coping ok without him, and with any luck, looking shit hot......He did predict I would be begging him to come back within 6 months.

Look out boys tomorrow...this bitch is on the prowl.

And of course...me being me, there is a song for every occasion

And here it is............ click to see what the mood for the day is

Yes, yet again I am showing my lack of grace and class, but Oh well!

OH...and Yes, those ARE my legs you see above.

it all started with porn....

What happened that made you realize that a fetish or kinky lifestyle was something you desired in some capacity? Was it something that happened from a more experienced partner, or watching porn, or a dirty joke?

Again, another post of Fetlife, but one that made me think of why I do this....

I have always watched porn, for as long as I can remember...well, at least since I can remember finding a porn movie in the bottom drawer of my parents bedroom in my early teens.

I used to come home from school and was alone til my parents finished work...it was then I used to rush to the bedroom, put the movie on, masturbate, and quickly rewind it back to where I found it so I didnt get caught. Over the years the movies varied a bit, looking back, some really didnt appeal at all, but I still did it...probably for the thrill factor of doing something I knew I shouldnt be.

Entering into the world of actually HAVING a sexual relationship, I always know I liked things rough, fast, hard, and you could shove slow and romantic so far up your arse that it would never be found.

I didnt know back then that I was submissive, but I knew I liked it when they controlled things.

I had an ex boyfriend...we were together for a year or so, and he was about the first of everthing, the first I gave oral to, the first to give me oral, we tried anal...he was HUGE...IT FUCKING HURT...but looking back, neither of us really knew what it was all about.

I can remember tying him up one night...pouring something all over him and licking it off, and I think that night I actually came without being touched.

I will say...untying those stockings and letting him up was the fun part...he turned me onto hands and knees and fucked me harder than I had ever had it.

We watched porn together, and I can remember one night in a drunken state him suggesting we get one of his mates to join us. I agreed, but it never happened.

Fast forward a year or so, he and I broke up, and I had met the guy who would become my husband...from here on in, known as the dickwad.

I admit...I settled.

He was stable, and I thought would be a good provider. I was truly scared of being left on the shelf....what the fuck did I know at 21?? not much obviously.

Within a couple of years, I no longer wanted to have sex with him...it was boring, he was a premature ejaculator...and I was over the 2 pump bang and roll over.

I tried to spice things up as best I could...but nothing worked and it got to the point I would shudder at the thought of him touching me at all.

This didnt kill the marriage, I sucked that bit up and figured I would live the rest of my life with no sex......it was the lack of communication with him that killed the marriage, after 11 years of marriage, he didnt want to discuss why we hadnt had sex in over 18 months, or why I had stopped wearing my wedding rings..and even when I fronted him to say these things...he refused to discuss it...so I asked him to leave.

I had filled my nights in with the computer...met some exceptionally wonderful people...flirted a bit, and met someone who I knew had a sex life that was "out of the ordinary" to me.

Being the curious person I am..I pestered him with questions...he answered every one with patience...pointed me in the direction of a few different sites....the rest is history.

I jumped in the deep end.

sooo, looking back, I was always different to my friends, I was never the girly girl who needed to be in love to get laid. I had my fair share of one night stands, always egging them on to see if they couldnt make it a bit rougher, harder, faster, so I guess this side of me has always been there...it was just hidden for the longest time.

Poor Master....I have 14 years to make up for...no wonder I am so impatient.....and after living with someone who didnt turn me on for the longest time...I am like a kid in the candy shop now...wanting it all and wanting it NOW.......

asshole.......

the dickwad is an asshole...no 2 ways about it

the first day this weekend I felt ok and he fucks it up

ARGHHHHHHHHHHH

what I wouldnt give to have Master here to help me get rid of this anger and keep me occupied

distance.....

the best and the worst thing I have found about long distance D/s is the communcation.

I have never had as much communication with someone as I do with Master....both in the quantity and the honesty....not even while married.

perhaps this is because the dickwad used to judge me....Master doesnt

along with the good bits, come the bad bits

sometimes we get chatting and one of us has to go for some reason...work, kids, RL issues...all sorts.......that bit sucks

why is it that we never get interrupted unless its an important conversation??

I am sure we get them without interruptions sometimes, but yesterday we didnt.

we played this week, and due to RL...we havent managed a decent conversation since....

Maybe I am just whinging because I know I am within about 20 minutes (distance wise) today, and I cant do anything about it.

It would not be a hardship to be on my knees in front of Master right about now ;)

far far away..........

Master and I have a LDR.......we see each other when we can....not often

i am recently out of a 14 year relationship  and am not ready for another someone who doesnt communicate, doesnt understand me, who cant be a grown up, who cant see his asshole ways will eventually turn his kids against him, another someone who cant give me an orgasm, or hold me without me feeling like I am being groped. Spanked is one thing....but groping...ewwww, my skin crawls when he is in the same room.

who would anyone want any of those things anyway???

I dont....but I lived with the fucking things for the last 10 years

NO MORE....the dickwad has gone, but unfortunately I will have to deal with him for the rest of my life....NOT something I am looking forward to.....

WHY cant he just be a grown up and put his kids first for once???

I cant wait til he is someone elses problem

in the meantime.....

I have a wonderful Master.....

and I have hired someone to mow the lawns