under consideration....

I have sat and thought about what I might write here for over 24 hours.

Yesterday I was again placed under consideration.*grins*

Some may be thinking this is backwards, since a week ago I had a full collar, but there are reasons behind this that are private, between Master and I, and it IS where we need to be right now.

I have a lot to learn, I need to EARN the full collar again.

If I sound a little less than excited about all this...believe me I'm excited, but I did have trouble for the first time ever with what to say on here.

We still have a ways to go before we can get back to where we both would like to be.

If I am honest, a lot of the lack of knowing what to write is the fact that although I am under consideration again, I am yet to hear him call me anything.

I blogged once that I got an email with "Hey there", and I wished for "my girl" instead.

One of the issues I had on my list was.....

girl...I AM proud to be your girl, BUT I feel like its a generic name, and brings to mind that it saves having to remember who you are speaking to.


I am cringing even reading that again....so should have re worded that before I sent it to Him...came across wrong, sooooo wrong its not even funny.

I AM proud to be His, and He knows I would shout it from the rooftops if I could, but I have always struggled with being called "girl"

He has had "girls" before me, and I thank them, I am sure they have helped create the Master that I now get.

One of the biggest hangups I have left over from my marriage is that I now need to feel unique, be treated as an individual, not as someone standing in the background, unseen and uncared about.

Please dont get me wrong here, NEVER EVER has Master made me feel like I was anything less than me, and certainly not uncared about, but I need to feel unique, and seeing the word girl typed on the screen, makes me feel like one of a line, and inside me I want to feel like one of a kind.

We compromised on the issue, I understood that "girl" was the word Master uses for His special one, and that a new name cant just be pulled out of someones arse, I am MORE THAN HAPPY to wait until He comes across something special, something that will be mine alone, but I am missing being called something.

At this point I am sure He will be naming me PIA or something similar. (Pain In Arse), but either way, whatever I get called....I am His, and thats all there is to it.

I am His, He is MY Master, and I am happy.

I will just feel like its a little more real when I get something more than "hey there"

released......

when I calm down enough to be able to even contemplate whats happened I will be back to write one final post.

my journey with Him is over....I was released, I let Him down.

I know I could keep this blog going, but I feel if would dishonor what we had, this was always our journey, His and mine, and it seems its over.

now that the comments have to be approved, anyone wanting to keep in touch, please feel free to comment and send me your email address.

you can get fucked......

Thanks to an anonymous commenter, I felt I had to change the settings 

so I can CHECK the comment before its posted......

If there is one thing in this life I hate more than a liar...its JUDGEMENTAL people.

I live my life the best way I can, I sleep at night with a CLEAR CONSCIENCE. 

I COULD have done MANY things in my marriage, but I ALWAYS tried to be the best wife and mother I could.

I didn't cheat

I didn't lie

I didn't steal

what I did do, was marry the wrong person, fall OUT of love, and end my marriage so we could BOTH have a HAPPY life...instead of making each other miserable, and more to the point...make the kids miserable!

some people reading this might be surprised at my tone, those who know me will not.

I AM A BITCH

I AM STUBBORN

I WONT BE JUDGED BY MORONS

I HAVE NEVER PRETENDED TO BE A LADY

AND FUCK WITH MY FAMILY, FRIENDS OR  MY MASTER AND YOU BETTER FUCKING RUN.

I used to love being able to click onto my blog and just see what others had written...it was always a pleasant surprise til now.........

and for those of you wanting to comment...feel free

BUT REMEMBER

This is MY BLOG and if you dont like it....dont let the door hit your arse on the way out.

apologies to the anonymous commenter.....perhaps I should show a little more "grace and class" but like I said...if you dont like it YOU CAN GET FUCKED.

cleaning and hiding......

I am madly cleaning in the hope that Master will be here tomorrow

I have already (as instructed) tied the scarves to the bed head.....**GRINS**

this will be there first time I don't have any instructions as to what to be wearing NOR do I have any idea about what might happen...normally I get a hint or two.

I guess the whole no instructions over what to wear are my own fault....I did mention last week that I had an outfit in mind IN CASE He ever forgot......hmmmm, I think He might be curious...glad to see I am not the only one ;)

I think the bit that made Master so curious was I did say to Him, "and you can wreck it if you want...or you can watch, or you can play...its up to you"

and all I know now is, I have hidden the rolling pins (story for another day and NO He did not beat me with it) and am still debating over hiding the wooden spoons. ....Stop snickering Sarah ;)

oh! and the house is clean....well, until the darling children get out of bed in the morning anyway.

it all started with porn....

What happened that made you realize that a fetish or kinky lifestyle was something you desired in some capacity? Was it something that happened from a more experienced partner, or watching porn, or a dirty joke?

Again, another post of Fetlife, but one that made me think of why I do this....

I have always watched porn, for as long as I can remember...well, at least since I can remember finding a porn movie in the bottom drawer of my parents bedroom in my early teens.

I used to come home from school and was alone til my parents finished work...it was then I used to rush to the bedroom, put the movie on, masturbate, and quickly rewind it back to where I found it so I didnt get caught. Over the years the movies varied a bit, looking back, some really didnt appeal at all, but I still did it...probably for the thrill factor of doing something I knew I shouldnt be.

Entering into the world of actually HAVING a sexual relationship, I always know I liked things rough, fast, hard, and you could shove slow and romantic so far up your arse that it would never be found.

I didnt know back then that I was submissive, but I knew I liked it when they controlled things.

I had an ex boyfriend...we were together for a year or so, and he was about the first of everthing, the first I gave oral to, the first to give me oral, we tried anal...he was HUGE...IT FUCKING HURT...but looking back, neither of us really knew what it was all about.

I can remember tying him up one night...pouring something all over him and licking it off, and I think that night I actually came without being touched.

I will say...untying those stockings and letting him up was the fun part...he turned me onto hands and knees and fucked me harder than I had ever had it.

We watched porn together, and I can remember one night in a drunken state him suggesting we get one of his mates to join us. I agreed, but it never happened.

Fast forward a year or so, he and I broke up, and I had met the guy who would become my husband...from here on in, known as the dickwad.

I admit...I settled.

He was stable, and I thought would be a good provider. I was truly scared of being left on the shelf....what the fuck did I know at 21?? not much obviously.

Within a couple of years, I no longer wanted to have sex with him...it was boring, he was a premature ejaculator...and I was over the 2 pump bang and roll over.

I tried to spice things up as best I could...but nothing worked and it got to the point I would shudder at the thought of him touching me at all.

This didnt kill the marriage, I sucked that bit up and figured I would live the rest of my life with no sex......it was the lack of communication with him that killed the marriage, after 11 years of marriage, he didnt want to discuss why we hadnt had sex in over 18 months, or why I had stopped wearing my wedding rings..and even when I fronted him to say these things...he refused to discuss it...so I asked him to leave.

I had filled my nights in with the computer...met some exceptionally wonderful people...flirted a bit, and met someone who I knew had a sex life that was "out of the ordinary" to me.

Being the curious person I am..I pestered him with questions...he answered every one with patience...pointed me in the direction of a few different sites....the rest is history.

I jumped in the deep end.

sooo, looking back, I was always different to my friends, I was never the girly girl who needed to be in love to get laid. I had my fair share of one night stands, always egging them on to see if they couldnt make it a bit rougher, harder, faster, so I guess this side of me has always been there...it was just hidden for the longest time.

Poor Master....I have 14 years to make up for...no wonder I am so impatient.....and after living with someone who didnt turn me on for the longest time...I am like a kid in the candy shop now...wanting it all and wanting it NOW.......

romance v's submission

I recent post on Fetlife made me smile.....

the question was something similar to "Is it possible to have a Master without the romance?"

my reply was........

define romance......

Master and I have sessions, we dont do dinner, dates, movies, hold hands in public, or any other the other things some people define as romantic.

Do I care??...yes, I trust him with my emotional and physical safety, for me, there is a certain amount of caring involved in that.

I flirt, and I care about his wellbeing, happiness, and all those other things, we talk every day mostly, but is there romance?....not really, but there is a certain amount of tenderness when he holds me after a session, and kisses me goodbye.

So I guess it all depends on your definition of romance

THEN, tonight, out of the blue...Master popped online.... definitely not the norm for us to be online chatting at that time of night.

What surprised me was He asked me to define our relationship into percentages.

I didnt really get what He meant, and so probably only managed to confuse Him as much as myself.

I have thought about it a little more now......

not to say that I still understand, but who knows, maybe I CAN explain it.

So to cut the bullshit rambling down, it goes like this......

He is 99% Master and 1% some guy I met ;)

He makes me feel the following things...

 owned

 horny

 submissive

 wanted

I have the following feelings for Him....

Trust

Respect

Desire

Admiration

and whatever you call that feeling where all I want to do is sit at the floor at his feet and rest my head against his leg.....

Why I chose Him to meet rather than others I spoke to.....

He's Mr Decadent....every chocoholics dream

I trusted Him the minute I laid eyes on Him, that has only grown since

I respect Him

I cannot imagine letting any of the others I spoke to...doing to me, what He does

AND...He turns me on like NO other man EVER has

sooooo, to end it all, I would give up the romance to have Him. To me, the submission means more than the romance does. I can get a date for dinner or the movies anytime, what I cant get....is the way He, and ONLY HE, makes me feel.

snakes and ladders....

A comment to Sarah the other day made me think this journey is a lot like snakes and ladders.

One minute you are safely standing on a square, feeling safe, then someone else rolls the dice, and its back to your turn...you roll the dice, and sometimes you go up...and sometimes you go down. Sometimes you just move sideways a little, but the landing at the bottom of the ladder always surprised me as a kid.

I hated having to go back over all those squares I had already been past.

I think its the impatience in me.........or it could be I feel like once I have learnt something, I shouldn't have to learn it all over again.

Don't get me wrong...nothing wrong with revision, but I like to do that when I am unsure, or have a doubt I need clarified. I often re-read Master and my chats over again after He has gone...smiling over some things and frowning over others. I never fail to see something that I missed during the conversations.

Last week was a quick trip DOWN the biggest ladder I have seen so far in my journey....now I feel like I have moved a little sideways...haven't gone too far up, but I haven't gone backwards either.

not strangers at all......

having the invite to get away for the weekend, delighted me

I felt like I could get away from it all, no dickwad, no kids, no BDSM, no nothing, just good company and some relaxation.

its nearly over.......I am about to head for home

it HAS been a relaxing weekend, dinner and good company, no pressures, a sleep in, and to top it off, just got an email from a friend and we are going to attempt to catch up on my way back home.

I will stop in the city and see if we cant have coffee.

I love new friends.......I have made a few new friends along this journey, mostly other subs, but I see that as a good thing, its these people who can relate to all the things I am going through, all the things ahead of me, and how hard the journey has been so far.

there is no such thing as a stranger.....just a friend I havent met yet.

so to all my new friends...and the poor friends I had before who I dragged along my journey....

thank you...from the bottom of my heart....where would we be without friends xooxoxo

commenting....

I love to be able to write about what I feel

similarly, I also love to read other peoples writings

sometimes they have the knack of saying what I feel and cant express

both _sub_girl and Sarah, amongst other people have written things, 

and it is as if they reached into my mind and took a handful of my thoughts that were jumbled, 

they sorted them out and got them written in a way I could only dream of

as much as I love to write and read others writing, I love for people to comment on mine

sometimes they provide a perspective I hadnt thought of

sometimes its just nice to know that others are dealing with the same issues

the feeling of knowing you are not the only one to go through these things sometimes can help immensely

we are not alone on our journey's 

and its nice to know there are others on the same path

feeling better.......

I am not even going to attempt to say the last 7 days have been the best 

or even remotely close to the best of my BDSM journey so far.

and I know that today wasnt supposed to be the end of the week I asked for

Thanks to Sarah...I finally got the feelings out...even if they werent my own words.

I did the same with a post from _sub_girl in the beginning

some days the words flow off the fingers...other times...Im stuck

thanks to these 2 wonderful ladies and my bestie Dot...I have a clear head...finally

Master and I talked a lot of the day today

I am a LOT clearer after chatting to him..I needed to make sure he understood

The pic above is how I feel today

my hands are tied....but with a ribbon..in a bow

not in a bad way....quite the opposite

that pic makes me feel calm...I FEEL calm

as Master put it.... I have clarity

so thank you to all.......where would we be without friends??

oh!! and I have tasks again...YAY..I have kinda missed em...but shhhhh ;)

its all fucked up....

it makes me feel like a child to whinge

I got my first email that wasn't signed "Master"

I didn't like that feeling at all

I hated being called girl to begin with

I got used to it

this email began "Hey there"

I miss "girl"

I miss "my girl" even more

I want to get on my knees and beg forgiveness for being an idiot

but I know I need to get my fucked up head in order

I need someone to tell me to pull my head in

more tears.....

today I am lost.

my best friend....who I met online over a year ago, has gone offline due to RL stuff.

as you can probably guess...we live in different countries, so online is our only contact.

occasionally we text...I know I can call her on the phone.

its not the point.

we talked most days

we shared secrets

she knows about Master...she knows how I feel about Him, how He makes me feel, she supported me on my journey when others didnt/couldnt/wouldnt.

now shes offline, and I am in tears....very selfish on my behalf, which makes me feel worse.

I love her dearly...and I told her all the time, so I hope she remembers while she is gone.

I dont know what I will do without her words of wisdom, she always knew when I was hiding something, if I hadnt told the whole truth, she would front me on it, call me out so to speak, she would make me admit how I honestly felt, but at the same time remind me to do whats best for ME...no one else, just ME.

I am a little scared that without her to run to, that I will fall in a big heap, but I also know I can do this without her...its my preference NOT TO.

Toto will miss Dorothy

if you click above...you can see her final goodbye to me...which made me cry, but smile at the same time.

catching up.......

what do you do when your old friend has grown up to be not as vanilla as you think??

he hasnt changed....he still has the looks, the body and the sex appeal he has always had....no wonder I had a crush in high school.

old friends....

I have my old high school crush coming to stay for the weekend.

he isnt here to fuck me......he just needed a bed for the weekend.

the fact that he will be here led to a conversation about me possibly having vanilla sex.

I dont want vanilla sex.

but I might.....when he gets here.....

in the mean time...I cleaned my sons bedroom and changed the sheets in there.

I am not changing the sheets on my bed...that can wait til Monday before Master comes to visit.

not myself tonight........

in one of my other posts...i wrote some lyrics down from a song I was really into at the time.


this is another of these posts....tonight the mood is different though


makes me wish I was going out tonight....


but that would cause trouble






You know tonight
I'm feeling a little out of control
Is this me
You wanna get crazy
Cause I don't give a...

I'm out of character
I'm in rare form
If you really knew me
You'd know it's not the norm

Cause I'm doing things that I normally won't do
The old me's gone I feel brand new
And if you don't like it fuck you

The music's on and I'm dancing
I'm normally in the corner just standing
I'm feeling unusual
I don't care cause this is my night

I'm not myself tonight
Tonight I'm not the same girl (same girl)

I'm not myself tonight
Tonight I'm not the same girl (same girl)

I'm dancing a lot
I'm taking shots
And I'm feeling fine

I'm kissing all the boys and girls
Someone call the doctor cause I lost my mind

Cause I'm doing things that I normally won't do
The old me's gone I feel brand new
And if you don't like it fuck you

The music's on and I'm dancing
I'm normally in the corner just standing
I'm feeling unusual
I don't care cause this is my night

I'm not myself tonight
Tonight I'm not the same girl (same girl)

I'm not myself tonight
Tonight I'm not the same girl (same girl)

In the morning
When I wake up
I'll go back to the girl I used to be
But baby
Not tonight

I'm not myself tonight
Tonight I'm not the same girl (same girl)

I'm not myself tonight
Tonight I'm not the same girl (same girl)

Yeah
That feels good
I needed that

Yeah
Get crazy
Let's go

That's right
C'mon

Give it to me now
Don't stop
Yeah





here it is if you wanna listen

desperate and dirty old men......

I went to a sex shop today

Bought a couple of things for the start of my own toy box

Some guy (old and not very attractive) standing behind me while I was paying for my things made me an offer

"would you like me to come help you test those?"

uuuhhhhhhh NO Dickwad, I wouldnt

I politely replied, rather than say exactly what I thought

" I am pretty sure Master has that covered...but thanks"

The poor guy behind the counter nearly choked trying not to laugh

"He shouldnt let you out without your collar on then" was the reply I got

At this point, I thought I could either get really sarcastic (VERY tempted)
OR
Be a lady and just walk away...which I did...shaking my head all the way.

I wonder now if it was because I had laughed and joked with the guy behind the counter??

Since I pestered him with 100 questions and he was patient and not at all flirty, I didnt think laughing with him was a big deal.

Obviously it gave the wrong impression to the only other customer.....that will teach me!

Its been the week for it.... 3 messages on another site started the week off, and its getting worse...fingers crossed for a better rest of the week...

Position NOT Vacant
NO DIRTY OLD MEN NEED APPLY


Do I have a DICKHEAD magnet in my forehead someone forgot to mention???

love.......

I have just realised yesterday was Valentines day.

I didnt know.

I guess when you dont have a partner....its not like it matters greatly.

Its just a day of commercial crap anyway.

I would much rather have a rose on any other day for no reason other than I was thought of.

I wonder if Master was disappointed I didnt wish Him a Happy Valentines Day??

Maybe I should have tied myself up with a red ribbon, taken a pic and sent that to Him....

I will have to surprise Him another day, for no other reason than I thought of Him...

a day where He is not expecting it

Soooooo, the point of the post is.....

Happy Valentines Day....

 a day late to all you people,

 hope it was a great one

I will get there........

IT MIGHT BE LONG AND WINDING...BUT IT LOOKS LIKE I WONT NEED HEADLIGHTS...JUST SOME PATIENCE

I have a friend.....who has a blog..........

I have a friend.

she has a blog.

I love to read it.......she is further along in her BDSM journey than I am.

often I find things in her blog and my first thoughts are that she has read my mind.......some of the things she says are EXACTLY what I am thinking and dont know how to say.

if you read her blog at all (link over there>>>>>>>>>>>) you will see I set her a challenge...I dont know why I did....I dont like writing tasks...why I would inflict them on someone else I do NOT know.

we are in 2 different places right now...she has a hubby ( I got rid of mine) I have a Master, she doesnt.

I have been where she is, marriage wise.

she has been where I am with the D/s dynamic

I can see things in her future she will have to deal with, as I am sure she sees the same in mine

I gave her the challenge in the hope she would line all 3 lists up side by side....sometimes seeing things written down in black and white can make you admit the truth quicker than going around and around in your head.

having said that...I didnt do it in the hope she would see it and make a decision that will irrevocably change her life.....just see there, written down,  and give some thought to what will need to happen.....one way or the other.

she has needs, wants and desires, and I dont care what anyone says...NO ONE should have to live their life unhappy because these things arent being fulfilled....and YES, I am fully aware you cant always have what you want...but IMO it is EVERYONES right to be happy....or at least TRY and be happy....life is too short to live it unhappy.

anyone who lives in an unhappy marriage for "the sake of the kids" has fucking rocks for brains... I have been one of those kids....let me tell you, it sucks just as bad having unhappy parents together as it does to have divorced parents. At least when they are divorced, they can move on and be happy...

Yes its hard, No, its NOT easy, I understand ALL that...but sometimes its worth it.

and I CAN say this, I have been on both sides of this fence

 I WAS the kid...now am the single mother.

I love my kids with all my heart, Yes they drive me up the wall, thats their job, I love that they are curious, and busy, it means they are learning....would I love for them to do as they are told occasionally??...of course, but the fact that they question things, means they are strong, determined, and will be self sufficient ( I hope)

In her challenge, I hope sub_girl can see that she has every right to be happy, and have her wants and needs fulfilled, and maybe seeing who fills what need written in black and white will help....I can only hope it does.

please tell me why...............

can someone tell me why I am in bed at 11.30 pm on a Saturday night alone, no kids in the house, NOT having done my tasks for the weekend ( I have done part of one)...and feeling SHIT??

why is there such an emotional roller coaster attached to this crap??

and why the fuck am I doing it??

I have said my mantra 100 fucking times today...hasnt worked

I have looked at my pierced nipples in the mirror...knowing I had them done for Him....that didnt work either


I have reread all of our conversations...sent and received emails...they didnt help either

He will come online Monday morning and I will have forgotten tonight...and the crap way I am feeling right now...its like a fucking drug....knowing He is there will fix it

I know He will hate this post...but this is not just for us...its for others who travel this journey also....and its a warning....sometimes it makes you feel FUCKED UP

and no Master....the punching bag didnt help