I am having one of those "stuff on my mind" moments, where I know it will help me work out what is what, but I am unsure whether it is things I want the world to know. And more importantly, I am not sure everything I said would meet Sir's approval for public consumption.
Has he beaten me? No
Has he treated me badly? No
Am I still madly in love? Yes
OK...we are clear this is not a relationship going bad post?? Yes? Good
It's been a long time since I have had to live with someone new. Get to know their foibles and intricacies.
When I was married, there were so many habits of my ex husband that I hated. I didn't become to hate them, I always did...right from the minute I noticed them. Sir has habits, small ones, possibly things He doesn't even notice, and so far, each and every one makes me smile.
I am not positive that it is working the same in reverse, but we'll get there.
The thing I have found the hardest is the meaning behind different things. We can SAY the same thing, and mean totally different things. It is when there is no clarification, one thinks one thing, and the other, another.
Which, for most people wouldn't be a big issue, but for me?? Blah.
Right now, I am struggling big time with my submission and my everyday life.
I cannot find a happy balance.
I have responsibilities, I am a mother, daughter and employee, all relationships which require me to be up front, strong and capable.
And I don't want to come home and turn into a mindless submissive who bows and scrapes, and neither would Sir want me to, but I am missing control. Not necessarily sexual control, but the kind that turns me into a whimpering submissive.
We have always done things differently to others. Our relationship is nothing like anything I have ever had before, and to be honest...the kink has dropped off a lot.
Which....I hadn't noticed that I had a problem with before now.
I can't tell you how long it has been since Sir tied me with rope.
Its been weeks since the flogger came out of the drawer.
I haven't seen a butt plug or any other kinky type of sex toy in months!
And yet.....
I have had a better connection with Sir sexually.... I have had multiple orgasms for the first time in my 30 odd years of life AND the orgasms have been easier and more frequent. All HUGE things in my life.
(For those just joining us... I had a bad orgasms-less marriage for 14 years, and Sir is the first guy to be able to give me orgasms.)
So while there has been little kink, it has been offset by better things elsewhere.
So why am I being an ungrateful bitch??
No clue
I am tired.. I know that.
Physically tired, emotionally exhausted and at times, a little homesick for the things I have left behind.
I don't know the answer.
I am not entirely sure I ever knew the question.
I am damn sure all I have managed to do is confuse myself rather than clear my head like I thought things would.
I need a holiday.
Showing posts with label disappointment. Show all posts
Showing posts with label disappointment. Show all posts
Tuesday, August 6, 2013
Wednesday, March 14, 2012
Without Ice for me please....
I realised today that I still have emotional hang-ups left over from past relationships, that I didn't even know about.
I have a hang up when I feel un-important. I didn't say MADE TO FEEL, I said feel. As in the way I feel.
The fucktard used to tell me to go places on my own when they didn't interest him. And fair enough, but what he chose to forget was all the places I went with him that I didn't particularly like, but I did.
To have time. To learn. To look after the kids. To have FAMILY TIME.
When it was reversed, different story.
Eventually I gave up and either didn't go at all, or went on my own.
This created me having my own social life, which made the gap harder to bridge when I could see the "end of marriage" writing on the wall.
I have a hang up about hearing voices.
And I don't mean I have voices in my head, although I probably do, but I believe that when things are important, they should be dealt with in person, or failing the ability to do that, then on the phone.
To be able to HEAR emotion in someone's voice can sometimes make understanding the words so much easier. This hang up is from my ex-Master and the inability we had to be able to have time to speak, either in person or on the phone. And this is not a blame thing, just a fact.
I have a hang-up about nagging .... I will not nag, or at least, I hate to nag.
I will ask twice.
Then, I will either forget it and move on, change plans, do whatever is necessary to make sure whatever I have asked for is no longer required OR I just do it myself.
If this means paying a stranger to do something, then so be it.
If this means cancelling plans I was really looking forward to, then so be it.
If this means physically doing something I shouldn't, then so be it.
Once is a request.
The second time is a reminder.
The third time becomes nagging.
If it cannot be done, then that should be said right from the beginning.
This hang up is also from the dickwad, 14 years of half done jobs and nagging, cured me forever.
And the final hang up......
I say what I mean.
I say No..it means No
I say Yes, it means Yes.
If you ask me a question, expect the honest answer and BELIEVE IT.
Don't ask for my opinion, then tell me it is wrong. If you already know better than me, don't bother asking.
(exception to the rule....during play, or while tied up and being teased, cos damn near anything might come out then)
And for fucks sake...Don't put ice in my drink when I have told you I prefer it without!!
I have a hang up when I feel un-important. I didn't say MADE TO FEEL, I said feel. As in the way I feel.
The fucktard used to tell me to go places on my own when they didn't interest him. And fair enough, but what he chose to forget was all the places I went with him that I didn't particularly like, but I did.
To have time. To learn. To look after the kids. To have FAMILY TIME.
When it was reversed, different story.
Eventually I gave up and either didn't go at all, or went on my own.
This created me having my own social life, which made the gap harder to bridge when I could see the "end of marriage" writing on the wall.
I have a hang up about hearing voices.
And I don't mean I have voices in my head, although I probably do, but I believe that when things are important, they should be dealt with in person, or failing the ability to do that, then on the phone.
To be able to HEAR emotion in someone's voice can sometimes make understanding the words so much easier. This hang up is from my ex-Master and the inability we had to be able to have time to speak, either in person or on the phone. And this is not a blame thing, just a fact.
I have a hang-up about nagging .... I will not nag, or at least, I hate to nag.
I will ask twice.
Then, I will either forget it and move on, change plans, do whatever is necessary to make sure whatever I have asked for is no longer required OR I just do it myself.
If this means paying a stranger to do something, then so be it.
If this means cancelling plans I was really looking forward to, then so be it.
If this means physically doing something I shouldn't, then so be it.
Once is a request.
The second time is a reminder.
The third time becomes nagging.
If it cannot be done, then that should be said right from the beginning.
This hang up is also from the dickwad, 14 years of half done jobs and nagging, cured me forever.
And the final hang up......
I say what I mean.
I say No..it means No
I say Yes, it means Yes.
If you ask me a question, expect the honest answer and BELIEVE IT.
Don't ask for my opinion, then tell me it is wrong. If you already know better than me, don't bother asking.
(exception to the rule....during play, or while tied up and being teased, cos damn near anything might come out then)
And for fucks sake...Don't put ice in my drink when I have told you I prefer it without!!
Monday, March 5, 2012
You are a "Fucking Arsehole Sir"
About 10 days post op, I had the weekend with Sir.
We played a little, and considering the fact that I am not supposed to being having any kind of penetration, the play was very limited.
That and the fact that I had major abdominal surgery....it is all relevant, but to my eternal frustration, I was and still am feeling almost back to normal besides having little strength and tiring more easily.
The worst of feeling ok and not sick is that I forget that I am not supposed to do a lot of things.
I would have fucked the living daylights out of Sir, but He never forgets I am unwell and limits things.
On the Saturday we were laying on the bed, and to be honest, I am not sure how it started, but what seemed like eons later and having had Sir's fingers playing on my clit and on the verge of my pussy, teasing me, the frustration inside me built to a point that my mouth shot a load and I called Sir a "Fucking Arsehole"
Yup, not one of my brighter comments.
Out came the crop
And after one strike for every letter in "Fucking arsehole" my arse looked like this...
-001.JPG)
The both of us laughed.
This was not what I would have called punishment, more like a lesson learnt about getting my mouth in check while there is a crop handy.
The following weekend I travelled to see Sir again, this time with 2 kids in tow.
For those that know me in RL, they will know this is a huge deal for me, in the past I kept my kids well away from anything to do with my kink life.
This is not just about kink, this is us having a relationship, being in love and being a family.
Sir also had His kids for the weekend.
Sir + Me + Kids = 7
Just us and 5 kids.
I was not expecting a kink filled weekend.
Probably not expecting ANY kink if I am truly honest.
Friday night began with Beer and a Blow Job.
Saturday was kid day, followed by Sir taking one of the older kids out for the night and me having some fun with the younger ones at home.
More Cock worship for Sir when He came to bed.
Sunday Morning was hectic, kids were all up by 8, neither of us had enough sleep, kids decided that quiet was for children that lived elsewhere and acted accordingly, phones beeped and chirped with plans for the day and before long the frustration at knowing I had to pack up, leave, drive home and leave Sir got the better of me.
I got to a point where I felt like this
I am pretty sure that Sir noticed the mood and we were laying on the bed together, He began teasing me, only because of the frustrations my reaction to the teasing was not the normal one, I was in an odd mood, and not feeling particularly submissive.
I leaned over and said quietly "you are a Fucking Arsehole Sir"
I knew the minute I said it, that I would pay for it, but with 5 kids in the next room, what I didnt expect was Sir to bounce off the bed, and pick up a Cricket Bat, albeit a small, miniature size one and use it on my butt.
By the third whack all I wanted to do was scream Red, but in my head I knew I never would.
I was in no danger of being HURT, only being left in pain.
I would probably raise the attention of any or all of the 5 kids, which would create questions I have no desire to answer any time soon
AND I deserved it.
I was disrespectful and if nothing else, that left me disappointed in myself.
After the 4th whack, the handle on the bat broke.
I was then pulled off the bed, walked into the adjoining bathroom and leant over the bath to take the remaining whacks with the crop.
By the time Sir had finished I was in tears.
Knowing I had disrespected Him.
Feeling like I had disappointed myself.
Angry with myself that I couldn't communicate my frustrations in a better way than by saying something so blatantly stupid.
All those and more.
I have been punished before, never in person, only online and I KNOW that I could have just refused to do what I was told to do as punishment, more than likely my ex Master would never have known whether I did it or not, but I always did it.
This time I wasn't doing something to myself, I had someone right there to inflict the punishment in person, on the spot and instantly.
When Sir stopped swinging the crop, He turned me around to face Him.
I do not know whether He had something in mind to say and didn't because He saw tears, or whether He just wanted to see my face, but we then had a hug and a discussion on the why.
We have backed that up with another discussion on the why today.
I said the wrong thing.
I was not respectful
I disappointed myself even if I didn't disappoint Him
I took my punishment
I am not in a hurry to repeat it
BUT
I learnt something from this...
Sir's love for me will not prevent Him from dishing out deserved punishment.
That I need to learn another way to communicate to Sir that I need to feel His control
That I love Him more today than I did before.
And that holding my feet on the walk-in-robe sliding door prevents kids from opening it while I am providing Sir with one last blow job before I go home.
We played a little, and considering the fact that I am not supposed to being having any kind of penetration, the play was very limited.
That and the fact that I had major abdominal surgery....it is all relevant, but to my eternal frustration, I was and still am feeling almost back to normal besides having little strength and tiring more easily.
The worst of feeling ok and not sick is that I forget that I am not supposed to do a lot of things.
I would have fucked the living daylights out of Sir, but He never forgets I am unwell and limits things.
On the Saturday we were laying on the bed, and to be honest, I am not sure how it started, but what seemed like eons later and having had Sir's fingers playing on my clit and on the verge of my pussy, teasing me, the frustration inside me built to a point that my mouth shot a load and I called Sir a "Fucking Arsehole"
Yup, not one of my brighter comments.
Out came the crop
And after one strike for every letter in "Fucking arsehole" my arse looked like this...
-001.JPG)
The both of us laughed.
This was not what I would have called punishment, more like a lesson learnt about getting my mouth in check while there is a crop handy.
The following weekend I travelled to see Sir again, this time with 2 kids in tow.
For those that know me in RL, they will know this is a huge deal for me, in the past I kept my kids well away from anything to do with my kink life.
This is not just about kink, this is us having a relationship, being in love and being a family.
Sir also had His kids for the weekend.
Sir + Me + Kids = 7
Just us and 5 kids.
I was not expecting a kink filled weekend.
Probably not expecting ANY kink if I am truly honest.
Friday night began with Beer and a Blow Job.
Saturday was kid day, followed by Sir taking one of the older kids out for the night and me having some fun with the younger ones at home.
More Cock worship for Sir when He came to bed.
Sunday Morning was hectic, kids were all up by 8, neither of us had enough sleep, kids decided that quiet was for children that lived elsewhere and acted accordingly, phones beeped and chirped with plans for the day and before long the frustration at knowing I had to pack up, leave, drive home and leave Sir got the better of me.
I got to a point where I felt like this
I am pretty sure that Sir noticed the mood and we were laying on the bed together, He began teasing me, only because of the frustrations my reaction to the teasing was not the normal one, I was in an odd mood, and not feeling particularly submissive.
I leaned over and said quietly "you are a Fucking Arsehole Sir"
I knew the minute I said it, that I would pay for it, but with 5 kids in the next room, what I didnt expect was Sir to bounce off the bed, and pick up a Cricket Bat, albeit a small, miniature size one and use it on my butt.
By the third whack all I wanted to do was scream Red, but in my head I knew I never would.
I was in no danger of being HURT, only being left in pain.
I would probably raise the attention of any or all of the 5 kids, which would create questions I have no desire to answer any time soon
AND I deserved it.
I was disrespectful and if nothing else, that left me disappointed in myself.
After the 4th whack, the handle on the bat broke.
I was then pulled off the bed, walked into the adjoining bathroom and leant over the bath to take the remaining whacks with the crop.
By the time Sir had finished I was in tears.
Knowing I had disrespected Him.
Feeling like I had disappointed myself.
Angry with myself that I couldn't communicate my frustrations in a better way than by saying something so blatantly stupid.
All those and more.
I have been punished before, never in person, only online and I KNOW that I could have just refused to do what I was told to do as punishment, more than likely my ex Master would never have known whether I did it or not, but I always did it.
This time I wasn't doing something to myself, I had someone right there to inflict the punishment in person, on the spot and instantly.
When Sir stopped swinging the crop, He turned me around to face Him.
I do not know whether He had something in mind to say and didn't because He saw tears, or whether He just wanted to see my face, but we then had a hug and a discussion on the why.
We have backed that up with another discussion on the why today.
I said the wrong thing.
I was not respectful
I disappointed myself even if I didn't disappoint Him
I took my punishment
I am not in a hurry to repeat it
BUT
I learnt something from this...
Sir's love for me will not prevent Him from dishing out deserved punishment.
That I need to learn another way to communicate to Sir that I need to feel His control
That I love Him more today than I did before.
And that holding my feet on the walk-in-robe sliding door prevents kids from opening it while I am providing Sir with one last blow job before I go home.
Thursday, December 15, 2011
Tuesday, December 13, 2011
frustrations....
I am frustrated.
About a lot of things.
Some days I cope just fine, others...they get the better of me, and other than the punching bag, here is the only place I can let it all out.
I am frustrated by my ex's complete and utter inability to communicate with me...even via text.
I am frustrated with people who wont give me answer to the damn questions I ask.
I am frustrated that men have an inability to tell me what they really think... HONESTLY.
Dont beat around the bush...give it to me straight!!!
Add a couple of feelings in there while you're going, I will understand it better then!!!.
Dont just say no...tell me why so I understand!!.
For fucks sake...
About a lot of things.
Some days I cope just fine, others...they get the better of me, and other than the punching bag, here is the only place I can let it all out.
I am frustrated by my ex's complete and utter inability to communicate with me...even via text.
I am frustrated with people who wont give me answer to the damn questions I ask.
I am frustrated that men have an inability to tell me what they really think... HONESTLY.
Dont beat around the bush...give it to me straight!!!
Add a couple of feelings in there while you're going, I will understand it better then!!!.
Dont just say no...tell me why so I understand!!.
For fucks sake...
PLEASE STOP FRUSTRATING ME MORE
Friday, December 9, 2011
Missing things
I am really missing my blog :(
I have contemplated posting again, maybe here, maybe a new one.
All I know is, I have struggled without it.
I have contemplated posting again, maybe here, maybe a new one.
All I know is, I have struggled without it.
Friday, October 21, 2011
Fucking MEN!!
I feel like throwing a tantrum...but I won't.
In all the things I have done over the past year or so, in all the people I have chatted to in that time, there seems to be something that consistently shits me no end.
Why is it, that the more "Domly Dom" they are, the less they seem to share.
What is it with the cryptic shit??
If I didn't want to know...I wouldn't have bloody asked!!!
And if I DID ask...then I damn well want to know...and not just a polite answer, try for something a little in depth occasionally!!
And another thing, while I am on a roll.....
It WON'T kill you to SHARE your feelings...you know, all those things you feel, your wants and desires.
I give mine freely....too much sometimes, but when I get to the point where I feel like I am hesitant to share those feelings because I have NO FUCKING CLUE if any, none, some or even a couple are returned, shared or felt....it makes me want to give up.
Seriously....if I get told (by someone who turns me on) "I would like to bend you over that table, tie you to each end, and use both ends of you until I am satisfied"
I get wet... FAST!!!
I do not want showers of everlasting devotion, the "I love you's" or the "be mine forever's"
but the "I want to fuck you silly" or the "you are MINE" thingy that some guys can say with success and not sound like a fuckwit...
In all the things I have done over the past year or so, in all the people I have chatted to in that time, there seems to be something that consistently shits me no end.
Men.
Men shit me.
Men annoy me.
Men make me angry.....sometimes.
Why is it, that the more "Domly Dom" they are, the less they seem to share.
What is it with the cryptic shit??
If I didn't want to know...I wouldn't have bloody asked!!!
And if I DID ask...then I damn well want to know...and not just a polite answer, try for something a little in depth occasionally!!
And another thing, while I am on a roll.....
It WON'T kill you to SHARE your feelings...you know, all those things you feel, your wants and desires.
I give mine freely....too much sometimes, but when I get to the point where I feel like I am hesitant to share those feelings because I have NO FUCKING CLUE if any, none, some or even a couple are returned, shared or felt....it makes me want to give up.
Seriously....if I get told (by someone who turns me on) "I would like to bend you over that table, tie you to each end, and use both ends of you until I am satisfied"
I get wet... FAST!!!
I do not want showers of everlasting devotion, the "I love you's" or the "be mine forever's"
but the "I want to fuck you silly" or the "you are MINE" thingy that some guys can say with success and not sound like a fuckwit...
THAT'S WHAT I WANT!!
Thursday, October 13, 2011
confusion...
I have a million things rolling around inside this head of mine....
Thoughts
Feelings
Emotions
Frustrations
Anger
And I have seemingly lost the ability to able to decide what is now appropriate to blog about and what's not.
I don't want to be disrespectful to anyone, to write things here that they may not be aware of, to hurt anyone by mistake.
I think I need to start a private blog, and not because I won't continue to blog here, but to get things sorted out in my head that I can't do without writing them down somewhere.
I will still blog here, when I know what it is I can blog about, and what I can't.
Thoughts
Feelings
Emotions
Frustrations
Anger
And I have seemingly lost the ability to able to decide what is now appropriate to blog about and what's not.
I don't want to be disrespectful to anyone, to write things here that they may not be aware of, to hurt anyone by mistake.
I think I need to start a private blog, and not because I won't continue to blog here, but to get things sorted out in my head that I can't do without writing them down somewhere.
I will still blog here, when I know what it is I can blog about, and what I can't.
Tuesday, September 20, 2011
Coffee and licking my arse....
Today was a not so pleasant day.
In fact...I would probably offer up a thousand dollars to anyone who can turn back the clock to about 9am.
I was attending a few meetings today with another person.
He and I were going to try and meet for a coffee in between my meetings and His.
It would have been the first time we had met for coffee as 2 people, rather than Master and kitty since the first time we met in person.
We messaged via email, Him in the office and me on my phone, arranging where to meet.
I gave Him the address, and He told me an approximate time that He would be there to collect me.
Time went on....I checked my phone about every 15 seconds, waiting, eventually walking around with it in my hand, waiting for Him to ring and tell me He was out the front waiting.
The person I was with knew that I was being collected, and was gently teasing me that I was like a kid with a crush...waiting on a love letter, passed from a friend to a friend.
Eventually I said I would go wait for Him out the front... Nope..not there.
I stood in the cold waiting.
The person I was with finished up the meeting without me.
She came out after the meeting, surprised to see me still standing there.
We waited in the car together for about 15 minutes.
Me getting impatient as I knew He should have been there by now.
I sent another email...just trying to check to see if He had been held up in the office.
No reply.
I told the other person to just leave me there, He was on His way, worst I would be was a little cold when He got there...WELL worth it as far as I was concerned.
So she headed off to the next meeting... telling me to take my time, and just get there whenever, that she could handle the next one on her own.
I stood there...in the cold AND the rain.
My phone beeped... He was back in the office.
I actually said out loud "What the fuck!?"
Long story short, He had left His phone in the office, and had sat out the front waiting for me. Eventually thinking I wasn't there, He had headed back to the office.
I didn't know that at the time.
All I knew was I was standing in the cold and the rain, waiting for someone who wasn't there,wasn't coming and knowing that my ride was now about 3 suburbs over and in a meeting.
I was BEYOND PISSED.
I was switching between absolute anger and total crushing disappointment, over and over.
He sent me a message... in my anger, all I can remember was the suggestion that I get a cab and the words shit, shit shit at the bottom.
I messaged back 2 words.
"forget it"
In the same instant I sent that...He messaged, volunteering to put back His meeting, to come and collect me, and take me to where I needed to be.
Before I could reply..I got another message telling me that I had made Him angry and sad that I would just say "forget it" and that He hoped I would have a nice afternoon as He now knew He wouldn't.
So there I stood, outside McDonalds, bawling my eyes out. 3 guys asked me if I was ok...did I need help?
No..I was fine, just angry and upset all at the same time.
For the first time ever.. Today He saw my temper. I guess it didn't impress Him much, especially to be on the receiving end of it.
What I didn't know was He had forgotten His phone.
What He didn't know was I was inside waiting for a call.
Its both our faults.
It was one big fuck up.
The worst part?
I know I won't sleep tonight as we didn't get it sorted out. I hate that..with a passion.
Update on the possible Dom search, I have now had quite a few more messages..some funny, some sad, some bizarre and one who intrigues me.. OH and one who offered to lick my arse.
Now that's an offer I have never had before.
In fact...I would probably offer up a thousand dollars to anyone who can turn back the clock to about 9am.
I was attending a few meetings today with another person.
He and I were going to try and meet for a coffee in between my meetings and His.
It would have been the first time we had met for coffee as 2 people, rather than Master and kitty since the first time we met in person.
We messaged via email, Him in the office and me on my phone, arranging where to meet.
I gave Him the address, and He told me an approximate time that He would be there to collect me.
Time went on....I checked my phone about every 15 seconds, waiting, eventually walking around with it in my hand, waiting for Him to ring and tell me He was out the front waiting.
The person I was with knew that I was being collected, and was gently teasing me that I was like a kid with a crush...waiting on a love letter, passed from a friend to a friend.
Eventually I said I would go wait for Him out the front... Nope..not there.
I stood in the cold waiting.
The person I was with finished up the meeting without me.
She came out after the meeting, surprised to see me still standing there.
We waited in the car together for about 15 minutes.
Me getting impatient as I knew He should have been there by now.
I sent another email...just trying to check to see if He had been held up in the office.
No reply.
I told the other person to just leave me there, He was on His way, worst I would be was a little cold when He got there...WELL worth it as far as I was concerned.
So she headed off to the next meeting... telling me to take my time, and just get there whenever, that she could handle the next one on her own.
I stood there...in the cold AND the rain.
My phone beeped... He was back in the office.
I actually said out loud "What the fuck!?"
Long story short, He had left His phone in the office, and had sat out the front waiting for me. Eventually thinking I wasn't there, He had headed back to the office.
I didn't know that at the time.
All I knew was I was standing in the cold and the rain, waiting for someone who wasn't there,wasn't coming and knowing that my ride was now about 3 suburbs over and in a meeting.
I was BEYOND PISSED.
I was switching between absolute anger and total crushing disappointment, over and over.
He sent me a message... in my anger, all I can remember was the suggestion that I get a cab and the words shit, shit shit at the bottom.
I messaged back 2 words.
"forget it"
In the same instant I sent that...He messaged, volunteering to put back His meeting, to come and collect me, and take me to where I needed to be.
Before I could reply..I got another message telling me that I had made Him angry and sad that I would just say "forget it" and that He hoped I would have a nice afternoon as He now knew He wouldn't.
So there I stood, outside McDonalds, bawling my eyes out. 3 guys asked me if I was ok...did I need help?
No..I was fine, just angry and upset all at the same time.
For the first time ever.. Today He saw my temper. I guess it didn't impress Him much, especially to be on the receiving end of it.
What I didn't know was He had forgotten His phone.
What He didn't know was I was inside waiting for a call.
Its both our faults.
It was one big fuck up.
The worst part?
I know I won't sleep tonight as we didn't get it sorted out. I hate that..with a passion.
Update on the possible Dom search, I have now had quite a few more messages..some funny, some sad, some bizarre and one who intrigues me.. OH and one who offered to lick my arse.
Now that's an offer I have never had before.
Sunday, September 18, 2011
too curious.....
In all my *cough* wisdom, I have decided to test the level to which I am submissive.
Confused yet??? Yup, good, me too.
I have this funny feeling I am not truly submissive at all, that I am only submissive to ONE.
And since He no longer owns me, I have decided to test things, see if I can't find someone who makes me feel submissive who can give me the things He couldn't.
I am not doing this to hurt Him, and I am actually not enjoying this much at all, but I have to know for myself.
The reason I am blogging about it?? I am hoping, within reason, that He will be part of my journey.
He still has access to my Fet account, and if.... IF I make another account on another site where I may post a personal ad, I will give Him those details also...should He want them.
I trust Him, I trust His opinion. He knows me well, He will know who can handle me, and who can't.
I have redone my Fet profile, and posted a personal ad.
That was 5 hours ago...in that 5 hours, I received 4 direct messages.
Two were young enough to be my son.
One was a sub who thought I was cute and wants to maybe have coffee.
And the other was a Cross Dressing, Transexual, Bisexual who is already in a relationship.
I also had 2 comments on the post, one says the post looks interesting and the other wants to ignore me already.
Great...so if either of them think I am messaging them...not gonna happen.
I am dearly trying to hold my tongue and not go in there and post something sarcastic.
I am also wondering about now why the fuck I even posted the ad to begin with.
Am I really so curious that I cannot live without this answer?
I have politely declined all the messages I received, I will leave it all there for a week or so, at this point, I am not expecting Prince Charming to message me with some happy ever after tale involving spankings, whips and chains, but who knows.
My problem??? I am too damn curious for my own good!!
Confused yet??? Yup, good, me too.
I have this funny feeling I am not truly submissive at all, that I am only submissive to ONE.
And since He no longer owns me, I have decided to test things, see if I can't find someone who makes me feel submissive who can give me the things He couldn't.
I am not doing this to hurt Him, and I am actually not enjoying this much at all, but I have to know for myself.
The reason I am blogging about it?? I am hoping, within reason, that He will be part of my journey.
He still has access to my Fet account, and if.... IF I make another account on another site where I may post a personal ad, I will give Him those details also...should He want them.
I trust Him, I trust His opinion. He knows me well, He will know who can handle me, and who can't.
I have redone my Fet profile, and posted a personal ad.
That was 5 hours ago...in that 5 hours, I received 4 direct messages.
Two were young enough to be my son.
One was a sub who thought I was cute and wants to maybe have coffee.
And the other was a Cross Dressing, Transexual, Bisexual who is already in a relationship.
I also had 2 comments on the post, one says the post looks interesting and the other wants to ignore me already.
Great...so if either of them think I am messaging them...not gonna happen.
I am dearly trying to hold my tongue and not go in there and post something sarcastic.
I am also wondering about now why the fuck I even posted the ad to begin with.
Am I really so curious that I cannot live without this answer?
I have politely declined all the messages I received, I will leave it all there for a week or so, at this point, I am not expecting Prince Charming to message me with some happy ever after tale involving spankings, whips and chains, but who knows.
My problem??? I am too damn curious for my own good!!
Tuesday, September 13, 2011
The Ugly Truth about Bananas
I once had a pair of friends, who loved each other in their own ways, living 1000's miles apart, neither having easy, uncomplicated lives.
Both had issues, both wanted to protect each other from hurt.
So, by wanting to protect each other, they both kept the honest truth to themselves, which in turn, meant that they were making decisions for the other.
By sparing the person you love from the "Ugly Truth", you are not telling them everything, and you are taking away the right they have to make their own decisions.
On one hand, this is caring at its best. No one likes to hurt the person they love.
On the other hand, you are being less than truthful and you then miss out on the possibility that they too have an "Ugly Truth" they have been sparing you from.
I have an "Ugly Truth"
I kept it from someone I love.
I ended an important relationship in my life, and I didn't tell the honest truth.
The honest truth would hurt them, make them feel as if it were all their fault, and that's not the case.
Nothing is ever one person's fault when it comes to relationship's. Two people are involved. Two people start it. Everyone has faults.
My fault, I have this thing inside me that wants to protect the people I love from hurt.
Most people have it in some form. I have this insanely huge need to always protect the one's I love.
My kids, my family, my friends...it doesn't differentiate between who it is. I am the original mother bear who protects things viciously.
The protection comes in all forms, it comes in telling people off who hurt the ones I love, it comes in the form of keeping secrets to protect people, it comes to physical violence when the need calls for it. I don't hesitate to step into a fight to protect the ones I love.
My Ugly truth is I couldn't be in a relationship with someone I loved and not feel like I was an important part of their life.
A lot of the time I felt like I had no place in his life.
That I was a convenience rather than a priority.
The things I wanted were never things he couldn't give me, just things he chose not to give me.
Knowing he CHOSE to not give me the things I needed hurt the most.
I made the CHOICE to give him everything I could, even the things he didn't ask for.
I also made the choice to end things and not tell him stuff as to not hurt him.
I was wrong.
I don't have the right to end a relationship without telling the ugly truth.
Talking to a friend after it was all said and done...She gave me the honest and ugly truth.
That I hadn't been fair, that I had taken the right away from him to choose.
I should have given him the ugly truth and let him make his own decisions based on the whole truth.
I should have told him that I needed to hear his voice more.
I should have told him I loved him.
I should have told him that this would be easier knowing he loved me, that it would make it worth it.
I should have told him that I couldn't keep it this way any more.
I should have told him I would have taken his secrets to the grave.
I should have said a lot of things.
I didn't, because I didn't want to hurt him.
Ha made me promise not to fall in love.
I didn't.
What I did do, was believe in him, trust him, share things with him, let him through these walls into that place I have reserved for those I trust.
I let him into my heart.
I do love him.
Its impossible for me to have shared the things with him that I have and not feel love.
But I am still not "in love"
"In love" to me means happily ever after.
You can love people you get no happy ever after with.
My friend told me I had to share these things with him...that if I didn't, I was making his decisions for him.
That by not sharing the "Ugly Truth" it was like making a Banana cake without the Bananas.
A Banana cake without the Bananas is just a vanilla cake.
She told me I hadn't done wrong, I just hadn't finished it.
I needed to add the Bananas.
So this letter is my Bananas. This is my Ugly Truth about Bananas.
I love him.
I didn't want to end the relationship.
I just didn't want to tell him that I couldn't live without the things he CHOSE not to give me any longer.
And I was wrong not to share my ugly truth and let him make his own decisions.
Both had issues, both wanted to protect each other from hurt.
So, by wanting to protect each other, they both kept the honest truth to themselves, which in turn, meant that they were making decisions for the other.
By sparing the person you love from the "Ugly Truth", you are not telling them everything, and you are taking away the right they have to make their own decisions.
On one hand, this is caring at its best. No one likes to hurt the person they love.
On the other hand, you are being less than truthful and you then miss out on the possibility that they too have an "Ugly Truth" they have been sparing you from.
I have an "Ugly Truth"
I kept it from someone I love.
I ended an important relationship in my life, and I didn't tell the honest truth.
The honest truth would hurt them, make them feel as if it were all their fault, and that's not the case.
Nothing is ever one person's fault when it comes to relationship's. Two people are involved. Two people start it. Everyone has faults.
My fault, I have this thing inside me that wants to protect the people I love from hurt.
Most people have it in some form. I have this insanely huge need to always protect the one's I love.
My kids, my family, my friends...it doesn't differentiate between who it is. I am the original mother bear who protects things viciously.
The protection comes in all forms, it comes in telling people off who hurt the ones I love, it comes in the form of keeping secrets to protect people, it comes to physical violence when the need calls for it. I don't hesitate to step into a fight to protect the ones I love.
My Ugly truth is I couldn't be in a relationship with someone I loved and not feel like I was an important part of their life.
A lot of the time I felt like I had no place in his life.
That I was a convenience rather than a priority.
The things I wanted were never things he couldn't give me, just things he chose not to give me.
Knowing he CHOSE to not give me the things I needed hurt the most.
I made the CHOICE to give him everything I could, even the things he didn't ask for.
I also made the choice to end things and not tell him stuff as to not hurt him.
I was wrong.
I don't have the right to end a relationship without telling the ugly truth.
Talking to a friend after it was all said and done...She gave me the honest and ugly truth.
That I hadn't been fair, that I had taken the right away from him to choose.
I should have given him the ugly truth and let him make his own decisions based on the whole truth.
I should have told him that I needed to hear his voice more.
I should have told him I loved him.
I should have told him that this would be easier knowing he loved me, that it would make it worth it.
I should have told him that I couldn't keep it this way any more.
I should have told him I would have taken his secrets to the grave.
I should have said a lot of things.
I didn't, because I didn't want to hurt him.
Ha made me promise not to fall in love.
I didn't.
What I did do, was believe in him, trust him, share things with him, let him through these walls into that place I have reserved for those I trust.
I let him into my heart.
I do love him.
Its impossible for me to have shared the things with him that I have and not feel love.
But I am still not "in love"
"In love" to me means happily ever after.
You can love people you get no happy ever after with.
My friend told me I had to share these things with him...that if I didn't, I was making his decisions for him.
That by not sharing the "Ugly Truth" it was like making a Banana cake without the Bananas.
A Banana cake without the Bananas is just a vanilla cake.
She told me I hadn't done wrong, I just hadn't finished it.
I needed to add the Bananas.
So this letter is my Bananas. This is my Ugly Truth about Bananas.
I love him.
I didn't want to end the relationship.
I just didn't want to tell him that I couldn't live without the things he CHOSE not to give me any longer.
And I was wrong not to share my ugly truth and let him make his own decisions.
Monday, September 12, 2011
a Deviation....
There comes a time in everyone's journey where they either reach their destination and begin a new one, or they veer off slightly and detour, deviating from their original destination.
I have veered....even more to the left than I was before.
I am slightly left of centre on the best of days.
I have asked Master to release me from my collar.
I didn't do it while having a hissy fit. I did it while calm, albeit it very upset.
I wrote an email, I figured that's how it started, its kinda fitting that's how it should end also.
I have...over the last few months, questioned my submission, and I don't mean that I was starting to believe that I could no longer be a proper, true, or whatever kind of submissive you want to call it, I just mean that I have questioned the submissive part of me in general.
In the beginning, most of my friends who had an idea about the journey I was about to embark on, questioned that I was submissive, most of them were surprised that I was not entering the BDSM world as a Domme.
I sit back now and wonder what my journey may have been like had I met anyone other than Him.
I have no doubt, I would have lasted a couple of weeks, told them to fuck off when they asked me to do something I didn't want to, and that would have been the end.
I am not truly submissive by nature. I am really quite the opposite.
I often told Master that He gets part of me that no-one else ever did, and I know He understands it, but I don't think He ever really knew just exactly how much it was true.
I am not sitting here, released from my collar and contemplating becoming a Domme, nor am I considering looking for another Master.
I am stepping back from the whole thing.
It is very hard to explain what it is that made me do this, except to say that I found it increasingly difficult to maintain my submission as I was feeling more and more chained to a computer.
Master was always honest with me about what He could and couldn't give me, and for the most part I was happy with what I had, but the little things started to get to me. And I was upsetting myself.
I didn't all of a sudden want Him to propose, or to move in, or to suggest anything of the sort, and we had discussed my issues on a few occasions. I knew these were things that were mine alone to deal with, but there are some things, no matter what you try, you have to admit defeat.
I am defeated in a way, I can no longer be the submissive HE needs me to be.
I am still, and will always be submissive to Him, in that same way I still call the principal from my senior school years by Mr ......, I cannot for the life of me call him by his first name, even though he has asked me to, it just feels wrong and un-natural.
Master will always be MY Master.
We still have contact, with His permission I will still call Him Master, I cannot think of Him any other way.
I just can't be what He needs.
Our journey hasn't ended, its deviated. Its almost as if I have jumped into a car on my own, and we are travelling to the same place, stopping for coffee together along the way every so often.
So the blog won't end here, it just may have lots less posts than it did to begin with.
This is all still very fresh and raw, maybe later He may think differently, or I might, that is something I cannot predict, but for now.... He is someone I truly treasure and do not want to be without, its just the adjustment of what comes next I guess.
And just because it's me, there is music that goes with the post, this one is actually a soundtrack of my week. I have played one CD over and over, every single song having lyrics that called to me, but none specifically fitting the whole thing.
If you have the CD by Adele titled "21" you will know what I mean.
"I set fire to the rain"
"And I threw us into the flames"
"Well it felt like something died"
always and forever HIS kitty.
I have veered....even more to the left than I was before.
I am slightly left of centre on the best of days.
I have asked Master to release me from my collar.
I didn't do it while having a hissy fit. I did it while calm, albeit it very upset.
I wrote an email, I figured that's how it started, its kinda fitting that's how it should end also.
I have...over the last few months, questioned my submission, and I don't mean that I was starting to believe that I could no longer be a proper, true, or whatever kind of submissive you want to call it, I just mean that I have questioned the submissive part of me in general.
In the beginning, most of my friends who had an idea about the journey I was about to embark on, questioned that I was submissive, most of them were surprised that I was not entering the BDSM world as a Domme.
I sit back now and wonder what my journey may have been like had I met anyone other than Him.
I have no doubt, I would have lasted a couple of weeks, told them to fuck off when they asked me to do something I didn't want to, and that would have been the end.
I am not truly submissive by nature. I am really quite the opposite.
I often told Master that He gets part of me that no-one else ever did, and I know He understands it, but I don't think He ever really knew just exactly how much it was true.
I am not sitting here, released from my collar and contemplating becoming a Domme, nor am I considering looking for another Master.
I am stepping back from the whole thing.
It is very hard to explain what it is that made me do this, except to say that I found it increasingly difficult to maintain my submission as I was feeling more and more chained to a computer.
Master was always honest with me about what He could and couldn't give me, and for the most part I was happy with what I had, but the little things started to get to me. And I was upsetting myself.
I didn't all of a sudden want Him to propose, or to move in, or to suggest anything of the sort, and we had discussed my issues on a few occasions. I knew these were things that were mine alone to deal with, but there are some things, no matter what you try, you have to admit defeat.
I am defeated in a way, I can no longer be the submissive HE needs me to be.
I am still, and will always be submissive to Him, in that same way I still call the principal from my senior school years by Mr ......, I cannot for the life of me call him by his first name, even though he has asked me to, it just feels wrong and un-natural.
Master will always be MY Master.
We still have contact, with His permission I will still call Him Master, I cannot think of Him any other way.
I just can't be what He needs.
Our journey hasn't ended, its deviated. Its almost as if I have jumped into a car on my own, and we are travelling to the same place, stopping for coffee together along the way every so often.
So the blog won't end here, it just may have lots less posts than it did to begin with.
This is all still very fresh and raw, maybe later He may think differently, or I might, that is something I cannot predict, but for now.... He is someone I truly treasure and do not want to be without, its just the adjustment of what comes next I guess.
And just because it's me, there is music that goes with the post, this one is actually a soundtrack of my week. I have played one CD over and over, every single song having lyrics that called to me, but none specifically fitting the whole thing.
If you have the CD by Adele titled "21" you will know what I mean.
"I set fire to the rain"
"And I threw us into the flames"
"Well it felt like something died"
always and forever HIS kitty.
Tuesday, August 30, 2011
LDR Troubles
It is no secret Master and I have a Long Distance Relationship...and a slightly left of centre one at that.
We have things that suit us, agreements we have made, that suit us, that others would find distasteful, bizarre or even wrong, but 99% of the time, it works for us.
Each relationship in life is individual in its own way, no matter who it is between, ours is no different, just slightly more unusual than most.
Prime Example..... Others want a Master they can love, be devoted to, and would only stand for a LDR if they knew there was an end in sight, usually resulting in the relationship becoming 24/7.
Master and I don't have that, and nor do we want that.
It was made clear to me from the very VERY beginning, that while there is and will be much happiness, there will be no whisking away by Prince Charming to live a Happily Ever After life.
We are LDR, and will always be that way while I am his submissive.
So to break it down to basics, Master has His life, and I have mine, its just that my BDSM life belongs to Him. He gets to make the rules, give the orders and do the teaching.
In my ordinary life, I am the boss, I can do what I like, when I like, and how I like.
He just seems to have this ability that I lack to be able to place me in a box in His life, where He can shut the lid when He needs to and do other things.
I can't do that, I have to be HIS submissive ALL the time, even when I am controlling my own life, I am still His, and He is never far from my thoughts.
Its that bit I struggle with sometimes. There are times I would love to put Him figuratively into a box and shut the lid. And I don't mean remove Him from my mind or my life, but sometimes it would be nice to be able to turn it off when its not necessary at that point in time.
Over the past couple of months I have contemplated returning His collar to Him, both times I imagined playing with Him and then handing Him the collar for Him to take when He left.
I didn't do it for 2 reasons...
The first because I wondered if this was a "phase" I was going through, life for both of us had been not normal, and that effected our relationship and the time we have together in a bad way. And had I handed it back in the heat of the moment so to speak, that it may have been something that time or a simple fix could be found for.
And the second, because I truly believe, and I have maintained all along, that He is MY Master, and I have no interest in another. Not now, not in the future, not at any time. And by handing back the collar, I may hand back the symbol of His ownership of me, but it wouldn't break the bond we have.
While some day in the distant future, He may not own me, I cannot ever see me being in a place where I would wish to have no contact with Him, and I knew that would be a very real possibility, should I return that collar. I was NOT ready for that to happen.
Yesterday I admitted to Him that I had been feeling like that. I had wanted to tell Him for weeks, but never knew the words, never could find myself in place where I could explain calmly, rationally and coherently.
Yesterday I found out I am headed into a week with no contact, family comes first, then work, then us after that. His work is taking Him to a place where I am left behind for a week, and I knew deep inside I would sit and overthink things while he was gone, resulting in Him possibly coming home to shock at me being a twat.
You don't realise how much things weigh on your thoughts until you can share them, after I had explained, probably ineffectively how I felt, we managed to clear the air, He learnt things, and I did also.
We both learnt that while neither of us "love" the other, that we have a bond that, for me at least, cannot be broken as simply as I thought it may have.
Amongst the discussion, Master offered me some "time off", which I thank Him for, but declined. There is really no point to agreeing to have some time apart, it wont make one shred of difference, and the up coming week of no contact will do that quite effectively for me anyway. On top of which, I don't want this to be some relationship where its on, then off, then on, then back off again. Fuck that juvenile shit. As much as I don't love Master, I do often think of this relationship as some sort of marriage, you cant just quit when it gets hard. Life is hard sometimes, doesn't mean you just cave in and give up, it just means we are about to be tested, and if we can get through it, that means we will be stronger at the other end.
While we may have a not so conventional relationship by any stretch of the imagination, it is still one that has a lot of value in my life, and not one I am willing to just give away when I hit a bump in the road. Like someone wonderful said to me, "It is just like the honeymoon bit is over, and there has been a transition to something different"
I just have to get my head around the honeymoon bit that it over...I don't want this to become some boring vanilla relationship, where we do little but discuss work, kids and hobbies.
I still want my boundaries to be pushed, it was that pushing that found the inner slut the first time, I knew she is lurking, just waiting to be yet again, pushed from her hiding spot, back out, on to her knees, in front of Him, where she belongs.
We have things that suit us, agreements we have made, that suit us, that others would find distasteful, bizarre or even wrong, but 99% of the time, it works for us.
Each relationship in life is individual in its own way, no matter who it is between, ours is no different, just slightly more unusual than most.
Prime Example..... Others want a Master they can love, be devoted to, and would only stand for a LDR if they knew there was an end in sight, usually resulting in the relationship becoming 24/7.
Master and I don't have that, and nor do we want that.
It was made clear to me from the very VERY beginning, that while there is and will be much happiness, there will be no whisking away by Prince Charming to live a Happily Ever After life.
We are LDR, and will always be that way while I am his submissive.
So to break it down to basics, Master has His life, and I have mine, its just that my BDSM life belongs to Him. He gets to make the rules, give the orders and do the teaching.
In my ordinary life, I am the boss, I can do what I like, when I like, and how I like.
He just seems to have this ability that I lack to be able to place me in a box in His life, where He can shut the lid when He needs to and do other things.
I can't do that, I have to be HIS submissive ALL the time, even when I am controlling my own life, I am still His, and He is never far from my thoughts.
Its that bit I struggle with sometimes. There are times I would love to put Him figuratively into a box and shut the lid. And I don't mean remove Him from my mind or my life, but sometimes it would be nice to be able to turn it off when its not necessary at that point in time.
Over the past couple of months I have contemplated returning His collar to Him, both times I imagined playing with Him and then handing Him the collar for Him to take when He left.
I didn't do it for 2 reasons...
The first because I wondered if this was a "phase" I was going through, life for both of us had been not normal, and that effected our relationship and the time we have together in a bad way. And had I handed it back in the heat of the moment so to speak, that it may have been something that time or a simple fix could be found for.
And the second, because I truly believe, and I have maintained all along, that He is MY Master, and I have no interest in another. Not now, not in the future, not at any time. And by handing back the collar, I may hand back the symbol of His ownership of me, but it wouldn't break the bond we have.
While some day in the distant future, He may not own me, I cannot ever see me being in a place where I would wish to have no contact with Him, and I knew that would be a very real possibility, should I return that collar. I was NOT ready for that to happen.
Yesterday I admitted to Him that I had been feeling like that. I had wanted to tell Him for weeks, but never knew the words, never could find myself in place where I could explain calmly, rationally and coherently.
Yesterday I found out I am headed into a week with no contact, family comes first, then work, then us after that. His work is taking Him to a place where I am left behind for a week, and I knew deep inside I would sit and overthink things while he was gone, resulting in Him possibly coming home to shock at me being a twat.
You don't realise how much things weigh on your thoughts until you can share them, after I had explained, probably ineffectively how I felt, we managed to clear the air, He learnt things, and I did also.
We both learnt that while neither of us "love" the other, that we have a bond that, for me at least, cannot be broken as simply as I thought it may have.
Amongst the discussion, Master offered me some "time off", which I thank Him for, but declined. There is really no point to agreeing to have some time apart, it wont make one shred of difference, and the up coming week of no contact will do that quite effectively for me anyway. On top of which, I don't want this to be some relationship where its on, then off, then on, then back off again. Fuck that juvenile shit. As much as I don't love Master, I do often think of this relationship as some sort of marriage, you cant just quit when it gets hard. Life is hard sometimes, doesn't mean you just cave in and give up, it just means we are about to be tested, and if we can get through it, that means we will be stronger at the other end.
While we may have a not so conventional relationship by any stretch of the imagination, it is still one that has a lot of value in my life, and not one I am willing to just give away when I hit a bump in the road. Like someone wonderful said to me, "It is just like the honeymoon bit is over, and there has been a transition to something different"
I just have to get my head around the honeymoon bit that it over...I don't want this to become some boring vanilla relationship, where we do little but discuss work, kids and hobbies.
I still want my boundaries to be pushed, it was that pushing that found the inner slut the first time, I knew she is lurking, just waiting to be yet again, pushed from her hiding spot, back out, on to her knees, in front of Him, where she belongs.
Thursday, July 14, 2011
disappointments...
I feel like all I have done is whinge lately.....I dont feel like I have sat here and typed with a smile on my face for over a month, possibly two, and that shits me.
I am normally a very happy go lucky kinda chick, always smiling.
But lately it just feels like one big disappointment.
One little thing wouldnt worry me, but each one piles on top of the other and they are burying me alive.
I have this HUGE mental list of things I am disappointed in, and for the life of me I cant work my way down the list to get rid of them.
Each disappointment tempts me to get off this damn merry-go-round I am on.
I am normally a very happy go lucky kinda chick, always smiling.
But lately it just feels like one big disappointment.
One little thing wouldnt worry me, but each one piles on top of the other and they are burying me alive.
I have this HUGE mental list of things I am disappointed in, and for the life of me I cant work my way down the list to get rid of them.
Each disappointment tempts me to get off this damn merry-go-round I am on.
Monday, July 11, 2011
deflated..
Master and I were going to play tomorrow.
Between the both of us.... we managed to work out the neither of us could really devote the amount of time we wished to have a decent session, and the idea of a quick fuck just made my hands clench in fury...dont know why, but it did.
So now I sit here, wondering how I will feel about tomorrow being cancelled when I actually wake up tomorrow. Tonight I am too tired to think too hard about anything, but I have no doubt tomorrow will be different.
As much as I was slightly nervous about seeing Him tomorrow, I was also kinda relying on it, in a silly way.
I really want the inner slut back where she belongs, and the bitch back in her box.
I have a feeling that He is the only one who can do that, god knows I have tried lately.
Even putting my play collar on last night to do my tasks didnt even get her to pop up for a look, and the bitch just laughed at me for even trying.
Could have been that she didnt appear because I was still taking pics at nearly 3 am this morning, in and around other things that were happening here.
3 more weeks before we can get together.....3 more weeks of feeling "not quite right"
OH GREAT, Just what I fucking needed..... NOT
Between the both of us.... we managed to work out the neither of us could really devote the amount of time we wished to have a decent session, and the idea of a quick fuck just made my hands clench in fury...dont know why, but it did.
So now I sit here, wondering how I will feel about tomorrow being cancelled when I actually wake up tomorrow. Tonight I am too tired to think too hard about anything, but I have no doubt tomorrow will be different.
As much as I was slightly nervous about seeing Him tomorrow, I was also kinda relying on it, in a silly way.
I really want the inner slut back where she belongs, and the bitch back in her box.
I have a feeling that He is the only one who can do that, god knows I have tried lately.
Even putting my play collar on last night to do my tasks didnt even get her to pop up for a look, and the bitch just laughed at me for even trying.
Could have been that she didnt appear because I was still taking pics at nearly 3 am this morning, in and around other things that were happening here.
3 more weeks before we can get together.....3 more weeks of feeling "not quite right"
OH GREAT, Just what I fucking needed..... NOT
Thursday, March 31, 2011
released......
when I calm down enough to be able to even contemplate whats happened I will be back to write one final post.
my journey with Him is over....I was released, I let Him down.
I know I could keep this blog going, but I feel if would dishonor what we had, this was always our journey, His and mine, and it seems its over.
now that the comments have to be approved, anyone wanting to keep in touch, please feel free to comment and send me your email address.
Tuesday, March 22, 2011
you can get fucked......
Thanks to an anonymous commenter, I felt I had to change the settings
so I can CHECK the comment before its posted......
If there is one thing in this life I hate more than a liar...its JUDGEMENTAL people.
I live my life the best way I can, I sleep at night with a CLEAR CONSCIENCE.
I COULD have done MANY things in my marriage, but I ALWAYS tried to be the best wife and mother I could.
I didn't cheat
I didn't lie
I didn't steal
what I did do, was marry the wrong person, fall OUT of love, and end my marriage so we could BOTH have a HAPPY life...instead of making each other miserable, and more to the point...make the kids miserable!
some people reading this might be surprised at my tone, those who know me will not.
I AM A BITCH
I AM STUBBORN
I WONT BE JUDGED BY MORONS
I HAVE NEVER PRETENDED TO BE A LADY
AND FUCK WITH MY FAMILY, FRIENDS OR MY MASTER AND YOU BETTER FUCKING RUN.
I used to love being able to click onto my blog and just see what others had written...it was always a pleasant surprise til now.........
and for those of you wanting to comment...feel free
BUT REMEMBER
This is MY BLOG and if you dont like it....dont let the door hit your arse on the way out.
apologies to the anonymous commenter.....perhaps I should show a little more "grace and class" but like I said...if you dont like it YOU CAN GET FUCKED.
Saturday, March 5, 2011
keeping busy........
went to work
picked up kids
mowed lawns
did the edges
weeded the garden
stripped the beds
cleaned the bathroom
swept the floor
mopped the swept floor
cooked dinner
folded the washing
and the whole fucking time I was wondering why I sent that damn email
keeping your hands and body busy, like I did today, doesn't stop the brain from thinking.
if anyone has any ideas on how to make this week easier....or if there is something I haven't thought of, a comment, something...anything....please PLEASE comment
picked up kids
mowed lawns
did the edges
weeded the garden
stripped the beds
cleaned the bathroom
swept the floor
mopped the swept floor
cooked dinner
folded the washing
and the whole fucking time I was wondering why I sent that damn email
keeping your hands and body busy, like I did today, doesn't stop the brain from thinking.
if anyone has any ideas on how to make this week easier....or if there is something I haven't thought of, a comment, something...anything....please PLEASE comment
Friday, March 4, 2011
its all fucked up....
it makes me feel like a child to whinge
I got my first email that wasn't signed "Master"
I didn't like that feeling at all
I hated being called girl to begin with
I got used to it
this email began "Hey there"
I miss "girl"
I miss "my girl" even more
I want to get on my knees and beg forgiveness for being an idiot
but I know I need to get my fucked up head in order
I need someone to tell me to pull my head in
a week is a long time.....
Dear Master,
I am going to begin this by apologizing, I warn you in advance this is not going to make much sense, but it doesnt to me either and I am at a loss how to explain it.
Numerous times in the past few weeks I have told you that I am addicted to you...that hasnt changed...not in the slightest.
But what I would like to do, with your permission is have a week off so to speak.
I dont want to remove your collar...far from it, if I could have more I would, what I would like is to take a step back to clear my head.
I have doubts, I do not know where they came from, I have had them a while, I cant budge them..not matter what I do, and I dont know that trying to explain them will help anyone.
I will not be speaking to other members of the bdsm community during this week unless they are female.
I would like to stay in touch...via email. I dont think having NO contact will help, but I dont know for sure either.
I love my written tasks, but would leave the amount of contact and whether or not I was to do tasks entirely up to you.
I will still be updating the blog, daily if I can.
I dont know if I can add more, or even explain better, and if this is all too much, I would understand the removal of my collar, I know I havent been the easiest lately.
girl
I am going to begin this by apologizing, I warn you in advance this is not going to make much sense, but it doesnt to me either and I am at a loss how to explain it.
Numerous times in the past few weeks I have told you that I am addicted to you...that hasnt changed...not in the slightest.
But what I would like to do, with your permission is have a week off so to speak.
I dont want to remove your collar...far from it, if I could have more I would, what I would like is to take a step back to clear my head.
I have doubts, I do not know where they came from, I have had them a while, I cant budge them..not matter what I do, and I dont know that trying to explain them will help anyone.
I will not be speaking to other members of the bdsm community during this week unless they are female.
I would like to stay in touch...via email. I dont think having NO contact will help, but I dont know for sure either.
I love my written tasks, but would leave the amount of contact and whether or not I was to do tasks entirely up to you.
I will still be updating the blog, daily if I can.
I dont know if I can add more, or even explain better, and if this is all too much, I would understand the removal of my collar, I know I havent been the easiest lately.
girl
I think I get to keep my collar
I have been granted the week off
its to be with no contact
I will be blogging daily how FUCKING HARD THIS WILL BE
apologies in advance for the next 10 days
now I am getting off here...and going to watch a dvd..
I wonder whether its possible to be wanting too much??
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