I jumped...

I was standing on the edge the other day...this time I am falling.

I jumped, I was not pushed, I did it voluntarily.

Back story......

I decided I was kinky, explored online a little, met a man who became my Master, we travelled our journey, all the good and the bad and the ugly.

I ended our journey by asking to be released...that ultimate falling experience scared the life out of me, I was so scared of giving that last little piece of me over, that I backed away...only to find out I had already given the last bit over and asking to be released didnt make one shred of difference.

We have had a very bumpy journey since, a trip away together, which I though was the start of something new and fresh, where I fell so far into sub-space that I truly was HIS in that moment...only to come home to find things had changed and although it was not intended that way...our trip was the end of our journey together in that kind of relationship.

I have struggled since....not knowing where we were headed, never getting a straight, blunt and honest answer.

I pushed for those answers this week...which ended in me saying I needed some time away from him.

I had to try and control those jealous feelings, the knowing I loved but was not loved in return feelings, the everything.

I said goodbye.

He said goodbye for now.

Today...I struggled with tear blurred vision to check my emails.
I could see he was online, but couldnt remove him from my vanilla email account...I blocked and deleted only to find I could still see him there.

I asked him to remove that account of mine.

Yes, I was wrong in not saying hello, not using my manners, but I was literally sobbing, all I wanted to do was wish my niece a Happy Birthday and couldnt show myself online without him seeing me.
So I asked to be removed.

He cracked it, got angry with me...told me he would remove every account of mine from his chat and said goodbye wished me a Merry Christmas and that was it.
I asked him to please stop, explained why I had asked, told him I did not want to be removed from his life, just that one account.

He deleted me and went offline.

Now I sit here, sobbing again...wondering how a simple request went so wrong, wondering why the fuck this hurts so much, hoping tomorrow will be the day I can wake up and not have him as my first thought.
Hoping tonight I can go to bed and not think of him.

I want so badly to get to a point where we can have a friendship, to enjoy chatting without leaving either of us feeling like shit.

But I have to say...this has ruined my Christmas.

Knowing the one I love has just wiped me from his life.

to Him....

Thank you for our journey.
This has been the most amazing time for me, and no matter what you think, I DO love you, and our relationship has NEVER left me unhappy until now.
Yes, there is always ups and downs, but fighting through things makes everything stronger in the end.
I am sorry I have felt like a noose around your neck.
I am sorry I did things that made you unhappy.
I hope you have a wonderful Christmas with your children, and that the joy on their faces bring you the happiness you so deserve.

last one...

After today I won't be posting to this blog any longer.

I may start another one somewhere down the track, but not here, and not under this name.

Thank you to those who have followed my journey, offered advice, hugs when needed, and a kick up the arse occasionally when required.

To those who linked my blog to theirs, thank you for your support, but you may want to delete me...no one wants to read a blog that is never updated.

A special thank you to the wonderful man who was my Master.

My journey would not have been half as wonderful, special and a Merry-Go-Round of all things good and bad without you.
Thank you for everything you have taught me, thank you for all the patience you have shown, and the care I felt/feel.

learning...

I did this quiz test way back at the start, just out of curiousity and boredom.
These were my first results from March, about 3 months into my journey.


You Scored as SubmissiveYou are into or need to be dominated. You get turned on from someone else taking control and controlling you inside or out of the bedroom or dungeon. Switches are a mix of submissive and dominant.

Submissive

81%

Fetishist

59%

Masochistic

50%

Sadistic

25%

Dominant

16%

I have just done the test again, just to see how things have changed, and I knew from the certainty of the answers I gave, I knew it would be different.


You Scored as Submissive

Submissive

100%

Experimental

86%

Masochist

79%

Bondage

71%

Exhibitionist / Voyeur

71%

Degradation Lover

57%

Switch

54%

Sadist

50%

Dominant

7%

Vanilla                                                            0%



yup...different.


Seems I have learnt a lot

wishes and not regrets...

If I hadn't asked to be released, I would have missed out on so many wonderful things over the last few weeks.

I have met some wonderful kinky people, away from this damn computer.

I have been to two events... Yes _sg TWO events!!!

I have made new friends both online, and in real life.

People who now, I can see will discuss bondage and kinky sex with me even when we are too old to actually be able to do it.

I have had a wonderful month or so...kink wise.

And yet??

I wish I could have done all this while I was still collared, still HIS.

I cannot regret asking to be released, that would mean I would have never posted that personal ad, never had comments and messages from people I can now call friends, never had an invite for coffee, which led to an event, which led to more friends, and another event, and probably more to come.

But I wish there had been a way to be able to have my cake and eat it too.

If only I had asked....

Ever had one of those most absolutely wonderful moments in your life where half of what you did went past you so quick you missed it??

Or that you were enjoying it so much that it was just over way too soon??

And that even though you loved every second of it, that something happened which ended it too soon and you feel the slight sting of disappointment that it ended so abruptly??

I had one of those moments.

I was so far into subspace that I can barely remember anything except feeling like I was floating along, hardly knowing my name, thinking words were coming from my mouth and yet I was getting no reaction, so possibly they were really just thoughts and not actual words.

I remember the blindfold going on.
I remember my hands being bound behind my back...wrist to elbows I think.
I remember being hit with a stick like you get on a childs balloon, the stingy strike making me draw breath.
I remember being asked colors....what was the safeword? what color was I up to?
I remember His cock in my mouth, and me feeling like a newborn child nuzzling at it, trying to get it into my mouth without hands to assist.
I remember wanting His cock in my arse.
I remember feeling like I was about to come.
I remember a sharp pain, and me grabbing His wrist unconsciously, stopping myself from saying the safeword, just holding it still until I could get a deep breath or two and then letting go. I didn't need the safeword, I just needed a breath.

I remember it then ended all too soon.
I remember feeling like I wanted to cry, that it was my fault it stopped so soon.
I remember being in the bathroom with a glass of Coke and a glass filled with M & M's.
I remember the look on His face at the thought that He had hurt me.
I wont ever forget any of it.
The scene itself may fade over time, other memories of sessions yet to come to take their place, but I will never forget the feeling of knowing I was - at that exact moment in time...someone important, someone cared for in a way that I have never felt before....anywhere, and with someone who is just as important to me as I am to them.

I remember the next morning, just wanting to get on my knees and start the day off properly.
I will never forget wishing I had asked if I could...instead of sitting there wishing He would tell me to.

missing things...

The idea of not blogging about certain things is not that I think I should censor what I write, or that there are things that just shouldn't be blogged about, it was more that now that I have attended a kink event, and people I met there I have added to fetlife, and those same people read my blog.

Now that in itself is not an issue for me, I love that people read my blog, the issue is if I met someone, and mentioned that same person on here, that those people may or may not know who I am talking about.

Starting a new journey with someone different, or making the beginnings of a new friendship can be hard enough as it is, without broadcasting all the bits that are hard, confusing and exciting.

I know I have people I can talk to about those things, both online,  and in person, but sometimes writing down different things can also help me work through the confusion.

So the not blogging about specifics is not for my benefit, its more about protecting the innocent so to speak.

Not everyone wants to know that the whole world is watching, reading about your life, the things you say and do.

In the meantime, I am craving submission and sex.

I miss not feeling like I belong to someone.

And of all the things, that feeling is the hardest, as that is/was the one thing I struggled with in the beginning....knowing I would BELONG to someone, that I would be OWNED.
I am a big girl...I can do all the things I want to do on my own, I can look after myself, I can do what needs to be done, I DO NOT need a man in my life to do those things, and yet I miss being owned, belonging to someone, I miss tasks, I miss hearing what would be done to me. I miss a lot of things.



For those who commented, namely Maui girl and sg, if you guys want to read the private blog, I have no issue with that, I just need email addy's to add you to the list of approved.
I know you two have valuable input, and always help clear things up a little, and the fact that you both have no idea who it is that I am blogging about.....solves that issue xx

confusion...

I have a million things rolling around inside this head of mine....

Thoughts
Feelings
Emotions
Frustrations
Anger

And I have seemingly lost the ability to able to decide what is now appropriate to blog about and what's not.

I don't want to be disrespectful to anyone, to write things here that they may not be aware of, to hurt anyone by mistake.

I think I need to start a private blog, and not because I won't continue to blog here, but to get things sorted out in my head that I can't do without writing them down somewhere.

I will still blog here, when I know what it is I can blog about, and what I can't.

smiling...

Yup...thats me, with no clue.

the start, the middle or the end??

Tonight I am feeling a little lost.

This blog started off as a way for me to record my journey with Master...all the highs and lows of me discovering my kink, becoming a collared submissive, the trials of a Long Distance Relationship and everything in between.

I have felt lost since being released (at my request) but in a totally different way tonight than from yesterday.

My writing in this blog has helped me at times in ways that only someone else who blogs will understand. It allows me to focus on the feelings I have, why I feel the way I do, why I DO the things I do and much more.

But I feel like I have begun a journey of my own, no longer WITH Master, but me....Sassy.

I have things I still want to write about, blog about, confess and admit to, but they no longer directly involve the person I began my journey with, and it feels disrespectful to Him to continue to blog about them here....where this was our home, the place we could leave the distance behind and just be Master and His kitty......and now I am Sassy...on a journey of my own.

I wonder now how a blog might work when I have come out from behind the screen, met people in person, had coffee, dinner, a kink event, I have messages sent to me that I would love to share and blog about, but now people actually know who I am...and more than likely, who I would talk about in my blog. And I feel odd even contemplating that. I would never share private things without asking permission from the other people involved, but it still feels odd.

Now I have more to think about....where do I write now???
A private blog?
A new blog?
Continue the old blog?
Not blog at all?
Only blog about what comes next in my un-finished journey with Master?

I have contemplated a private journal, but I love the comments, the other people who have a suggestion I may not have thought of, and the fact that someday a new submissive may stumble across my blog here and even if they learnt only one small thing through all we have been through, it is worth every typed word.

I just don't know what comes next for me in blogland....

waiting on the couch with friends.......

A wise and wonderful man once told me that I would one day find a new Master.

A beautiful friend told me to stop looking, just make some friends instead.

Someone new in my life told me to "unlock my door, but go back inside and sit on the couch and wait"

I understand all 3.

One day I may find a new Dom...but he will be Sir....not Master.

I went and made a few new kinky friends, attending my first event, and met some wonderful people.

I understand what the someone new is telling me.
I need to stop looking, because the things you seek, you cannot find, it is when you are NOT looking. THAT is when you will find what you seek.



Master has a special place in me, in my heart and in my soul. That cannot be replaced, and nor do I want it to. I do not wish to be without Him, have His support in all I do.
He will always be MY Master,  and even though I am no longer His owned submissive,  I know I will always be His kitty.

We have a connection, a bond, something between us that I hope will never change, even in all the changes of our lives, our situation and what happens around us. The last few weeks have shown me how things can change, but the trust in Him hasn't. I still value His opinion, His words of wisdom and all He does for me.

One day Sir may knock on that door, and ask to come in.

Until then...I have some new and kinky friends, and I know Master will support me no matter what.

Curiosity caned the kitty...

I went!!!

Oh boy, I was so nervous I could have thrown up at ANY point while driving down there.
Thank goodness I had 3 other people in the car, or I am sure I would have stopped, turned around and come home without going.

I wore a little black dress, short, and 5 inch heels.

I almost, at times felt overdressed. The ladies there wore lovely dresses, fantastic boots, and my eye was drawn to a virtual array of wonderful corset tops, which I was instantly jealous of.

I met some wonderful people, all very welcoming and nice..and never did I feel like I was the odd one out, or that my look screamed "newb".

Lots of different play was available to try, I saw rope bondage, gorgeous knots, suspension, a St Andrews cross or two, spankings, men dressed as women, women dressed as men, it was very much an each to their own night and it was wonderful to see it all. I had a blast looking, watching, and taking it all in.

For as much as I had fun, I also walked around a lot thinking of Him. Wondering if He knew I was there, wondering what He would have thought about me going, whether I may have had some rules, temporarily so I didn't do something I shouldn't.

I think I behaved, I did play, ok...shoot me, I was curious... I watched 2 ladies line up and get a caning, only gently, one was a younger girl and it was her first time. The Top was very gentle with her, and at one point I had to bite my lip with her as her face grimaced and eyes widened as the cane landed on her almost bare arse.

I was then gently nudged talked into getting a caning of my own. Yes, I could have said no, but curiosity got the better of me, and that's one of the things He had never done to me.

I bent over, hands braced on the arm of a low line couch, felt my dress be lifted from behind, baring my arse for all to see, I dropped my head, my hair falling forwards hiding the face I was sure was bright red by now.
The "Caner" bent over me, talked to me, told me what he would do, and how, then stepped back and "did his thing" always checking I was ok, smiling when I looked at him over my shoulder calling him a bastard.

Fast foward what was probably about 5-10 minutes and my arse was STINGING.
I put my hand back there and could feel welts, the red hot burning set in, as painful as it is pleasurable.
Standing up, pulling my dress back down, He hugged me, told me I did great, patted my sore butt and stood there with a smile.

Caned Sunday night, and this is the end result on Tuesday.

Since then I have had plenty of time to think about things, whether or not I liked it, whether or not I want to try it again, whether or not I should have done it, and how I feel about the fact that I now have marks, given to me by someone other than Him, had a first experience with someone other than Him.
If I am truthful, and it is in no way meant to be disrespectful to the "caner", I was emotional over it. Having a first experience wasn't as bad as the fact that someone else marked me.
It was odd to have the pain and the marks without any intimacy afterwards, no holding, kissing, touching, definitely not what I have had in the past, and that felt odd, and slightly confusing.

If nothing else happened that night, I gained some wonderful new friends, I got my first caning, and the requisite marks that follow, and I now have to think about what it is comes next.

I give good wordage!!

I received some advice a little while ago from a wonderful friend who told me to STOP LOOKING, and just make the effort to get involved in the local kink scene, or as local as I felt comfy with, make some friends, and just enjoy having a good time.


I pondered that advice for all of about, maybe a day.... two at most.


Then I went to my personal ad I had previously posted and Thanked everyone for their comments, remarked I have not found what I wanted, but knew now what it is that I actually do want....I think!


I do want to stop looking.
I did make the effort to get a little more involved in the local kink scene...sorta, kinda, maybe.
I made my first set of local kinky friends....we had a wonderful 3 hours having coffee, chatting, getting to know each other a little better.


I have also had a new influx in messages.....why I do not know...but I have.


Some I can tell are just chatting, some are friends of the kinky friends, some are strangers wanting a quick wank fest, some are outright bizarre, but in the last 2 weeks, I have had more messages than I have had since I began... all added together.


I have phone numbers, one I am pondering on using, the others I didn't even write down.


I have been called, adorable, sexy, precious, cute, complicated, sassy (now there is a surprise NOT) and a whole host of other names.
I have been told my pics on there range from just ok, to downright fuckable.


The biggest compliment I have had so far???


I was told I "give good wordage"


I am pretty sure that means I give as good as I get ;p


And I am possibly going to my first event tonight...... *bites fingernails*


Now.....what the fuck do I wear?????

Trust.....

Trust...as a dictionary reads...

1. reliance on the integrity, strength, ability, surety etc. of a person or thing ; confidence.
2. confident expectation of something; hope
3. confidence in the certainty of  future payment for property or goods received; credit
4. a person on whom, or thing on one relies
5. the condition of one to whom something has been entrusted.


Trust...to me...

Knowing I feel safe in the fact that things I share with you, will not be used to hurt me.
Knowing the things I do for you will be appreciated.
Knowing that my well being is safe with you, whether it be mind, body or soul.
Knowing that if I need you, that you will be there for me.

In one of the many messages I have had over posting a personal ad, one of them commented that he would like to see me blog about trust, I took that to mean he wanted to know what it meant to me...after all, I have only my opinion, I don't try and speak for others.

I posted that I don't trust easily...those are the reasons why.
If I cannot tick all those boxes with you...I don't trust you..as simple as that.
And it is not that you have done something to deserve a LACK of trust, just that you may not have earnt it.

And yes, occasionally I meet someone who I inherently trust, where I go by my gut instinct, and just hope that  I have placed my trust in the right person.

Sometimes you have to trust in fate, that karma is not going to bend you over and fuck you up the arse, unless you like that, and then it would be hoping karma doesn't make you suck on his toes.

my own fault..

I had a jealous moment tonight.

I didn't like it AT ALL.

Just show me....

"I like being a woman, I like being courted, I like being pursued, I like being wanted & adored - in return I will do anything for that D that has shown I am worth it"

The above statement came from one of my favourite bloggers, The submissivebf found here. 

I often think to myself, and blog that it is almost as if someone reached into my brain and took out the jumbled thoughts and wrote them as I cannot.

While I won't say this is exactly as I was thinking....I read it over and over and it is a realisation of sorts for me.

I am worth it.

I am worth adoration, and desire.

I am worth care and respect.

I like being a woman.

I like that WHOLE statement for the simplicity of it.

Show me, PROVE to me that I am worth it...and everything I have to give you is yours to do with what you please.

Coffee and licking my arse....

Today was a not so pleasant day.

In fact...I would probably offer up a thousand dollars to anyone who can turn back the clock to about 9am.

I was attending a few meetings today with another person.

He and I were going to try and meet for a coffee in between my meetings and His.

It would have been the first time we had met for coffee as 2 people, rather than Master and kitty since the first time we met in person.

We messaged via email, Him in the office and me on my phone, arranging where to meet.
I gave Him the address, and He told me an approximate time that He would be there to collect me.

Time went on....I checked my phone about every 15 seconds, waiting, eventually walking around with it in my hand, waiting for Him to ring and tell me He was out the front waiting.
The person I was with knew that I was being collected, and was gently teasing me that I was like a kid with a crush...waiting on a love letter, passed from a friend to a friend.
Eventually I said I would go wait for Him out the front... Nope..not there.
I stood in the cold waiting.
The person I was with finished up the meeting without me.
She came out after the meeting, surprised to see me still standing there.
We waited in the car together for about 15 minutes.
Me getting impatient as I knew He should have been there by now.
I sent another email...just trying to check to see if He had been held up in the office.
No reply.
I told the other person to just leave me there, He was on His way, worst I would be was a little cold when He got there...WELL worth it as far as I was concerned.
So she headed off to the next meeting... telling me to take my time, and just get there whenever, that she could handle the next one on her own.
I stood there...in the cold AND the rain.
My phone beeped... He was back in the office.
I actually said out loud "What the fuck!?"
Long story short, He had left His phone in the office, and had sat out the front waiting for me. Eventually thinking I wasn't there, He had headed back to the office.
I didn't know that at the time.
All I knew was I was standing in the cold and the rain, waiting for someone who wasn't there,wasn't coming and knowing that my ride was now about 3 suburbs over and in a meeting.
I was BEYOND PISSED.
I was switching between absolute anger and total crushing disappointment, over and over.
He sent me a message... in my anger, all I can remember was the suggestion that I get a cab and the words shit, shit shit at the bottom.
I messaged back 2 words.

"forget it"

In the same instant I sent that...He messaged, volunteering to put back His meeting, to come and collect me, and take me to where I needed to be.
Before I could reply..I got another message telling me that I had made Him angry and sad that I would just say "forget it" and that He hoped I would have a nice afternoon as He now knew He wouldn't.

So there I stood, outside McDonalds, bawling my eyes out. 3 guys asked me if I was ok...did I need help?
No..I was fine, just angry and upset all at the same time.

 For the first time ever.. Today He saw my temper. I guess it didn't impress Him much, especially to be on the receiving end of it.

What I didn't know was He had forgotten His phone.
What He didn't know was I was inside waiting for a call.

Its both our faults.
It was one big fuck up.
The worst part?
I know I won't sleep tonight as we didn't get it sorted out. I hate that..with a passion.


Update on the possible Dom search, I have now had quite a few more messages..some funny, some sad, some bizarre and one who intrigues me.. OH and one who offered to lick my arse.
Now that's an offer I have never had before.

too curious.....

In all my *cough* wisdom, I have decided to test the level to which I am submissive.

Confused yet??? Yup, good, me too.

I have this funny feeling I am not truly submissive at all, that I am only submissive to ONE.

And since He no longer owns me, I have decided to test things, see if I can't find someone who makes me feel submissive who can give me the things He couldn't.

I am not doing this to hurt Him, and I am actually not enjoying this much at all, but I have to know for myself.

The reason I am blogging about it?? I am hoping, within reason, that He will be part of my journey.

He still has access to my Fet account, and if.... IF I make another account on another site where I may post a personal ad, I will give Him those details also...should He want them.

I trust Him, I trust His opinion. He knows me well, He will know who can handle me, and who can't.

I have redone my Fet profile, and posted a personal ad.

That was 5 hours ago...in that 5 hours, I received 4  direct messages.
Two were young enough to be my son.
One was a sub who thought I was cute and wants to maybe have coffee.
And the other was a Cross Dressing, Transexual, Bisexual who is already in a relationship.

I also had 2 comments on the post, one says the post looks interesting and the other wants to ignore me already.

Great...so if either of them think I am messaging them...not gonna happen.
I am dearly trying to hold my tongue and not go in there and post something sarcastic.

I am also wondering about now why the fuck I even posted the ad to begin with.

Am I really so curious that I cannot live without this answer?

I have politely declined all the messages I received, I will leave it all there for a week or so, at this point, I am not expecting Prince Charming to message me with some happy ever after tale involving spankings, whips and chains, but who knows.

My problem??? I am too damn curious for my own good!!

The Ugly Truth about Bananas

I once had a pair of friends, who loved each other in their own ways, living 1000's miles apart, neither having easy, uncomplicated lives.
Both had issues, both wanted to protect each other from hurt.
So, by wanting to protect each other, they both kept the honest truth to themselves, which in turn, meant that they were making decisions for the other.
By sparing the person you love from the "Ugly Truth", you are not telling them everything, and you are taking away the right they have to make their own decisions.

On one hand, this is caring at its best. No one likes to hurt the person they love.
On the other hand, you are being less than truthful and you then miss out on the possibility that they too have an "Ugly Truth" they have been sparing you from.

I have an "Ugly Truth"

I kept it from someone I love.

I ended an important relationship in my life, and I didn't tell the honest truth.

The honest truth would hurt them, make them feel as if it were all their fault, and that's not the case.
Nothing is ever one person's fault when it comes to relationship's. Two people are involved. Two people start it. Everyone has faults.

My fault, I have this thing inside me that wants to protect the people I love from hurt.
Most people have it in some form. I have this insanely huge need to always protect the one's I love.
My kids, my family, my friends...it doesn't differentiate between who it is. I am the original mother bear who protects things viciously.

The protection comes in all forms, it comes in telling people off who hurt the ones I love, it comes in the form of keeping secrets to protect people, it comes to physical violence when the need calls for it. I don't hesitate to step into a fight to protect the ones I love.

My Ugly truth is I couldn't be in a relationship with someone I loved and not feel like I was an important part of their life.

A lot of the time I felt like I had no place in his life.
That I was a convenience rather than a priority.
The things I wanted were never things he couldn't give me, just things he chose not to give me.
Knowing he CHOSE to not give me the things I needed hurt the most.
I made the CHOICE to give him everything I could, even the things he didn't ask for.
I also made the choice to end things and not tell him stuff as to not hurt him.
I was wrong.
I don't have the right to end a relationship without telling the ugly truth.

Talking to a friend after it was all said and done...She gave me the honest and ugly truth.
That I hadn't been fair, that I had taken the right away from him to choose.
I should have given him the ugly truth and let him make his own decisions based on the whole truth.

I should have told him that I needed to hear his voice more.
I should have told him I loved him.
I should have told him that this would be easier knowing he loved me, that it would make it worth it.
I should have told him that I couldn't keep it this way any more.
I should have told him I would have taken his secrets to the grave.
I should have said a lot of things.
I didn't, because I didn't want to hurt him.

Ha made me promise not to fall in love.
I didn't.
What I did do, was believe in him, trust him, share things with him, let him through these walls into that place I have reserved for those I trust.
I let him into my heart.
I do love him.
Its impossible for me to have shared the things with him that I have and not feel love.
But I am still not "in love"
"In love" to me means happily ever after.
You can love people you get no happy ever after with.

My friend told me I had to share these things with him...that if I didn't, I was making his decisions for him.
That by not sharing the "Ugly Truth" it was like making a Banana cake without the Bananas.
A Banana cake without the Bananas is just a vanilla cake.

She told me I hadn't done wrong, I just hadn't finished it.
I needed to add the Bananas.

So this letter is my Bananas. This is my Ugly Truth about Bananas.

I love him.
I didn't want to end the relationship.
I just didn't want to tell him that I couldn't live without the things he CHOSE not to give me any longer.
And I was wrong not to share my ugly truth and let him make his own decisions.

a Deviation....

There comes a time in everyone's journey where they either reach their destination and begin a new one, or they veer off slightly and detour, deviating from their original destination.

I have veered....even more to the left than I was before.
I am slightly left of centre on the best of days.

I have asked Master to release me from my collar.

I didn't do it while having a hissy fit. I did it while calm, albeit it very upset.

I wrote an email, I figured that's how it started, its kinda fitting that's how it should end also.

I have...over the last few months, questioned my submission, and I don't mean that I was starting to believe that I could no longer be a proper, true, or whatever kind of submissive you want to call it, I just mean that I have questioned the submissive part of me in general.

In the beginning, most of my friends who had an idea about the journey I was about to embark on, questioned that I was submissive, most of them were surprised that I was not entering the BDSM world as a Domme.

I sit back now and wonder what my journey may have been like had I met anyone other than Him.

I have no doubt, I would have lasted a couple of weeks, told them to fuck off when they asked me to do something I didn't want to, and that would have been the end.

I am not truly submissive by nature. I am really quite the opposite.
I often told Master that He gets part of me that no-one else ever did, and I know He understands it, but I don't think He ever really knew just exactly how much it was true.

I am not sitting here, released from my collar and contemplating becoming a Domme, nor am I considering looking for another Master.

I am stepping back from the whole thing.

It is very hard to explain what it is that made me do this, except to say that I found it increasingly difficult to maintain my submission as I was feeling more and more chained to a computer.
Master was always honest with me about what He could and couldn't give me, and for the most part I was happy with what I had, but the little things started to get to me. And I was upsetting myself.

I didn't all of a sudden want Him to propose, or to move in, or to suggest anything of the sort, and we had discussed my issues on a few occasions. I knew these were things that were mine alone to deal with, but there are some things, no matter what you try, you have to admit defeat.

I am defeated in a way, I can no longer be the submissive HE needs me to be.
I am still, and will always be submissive to Him, in that same way I still call the principal from my senior school years by Mr ......, I cannot for the life of me call him by his first name, even though he has asked me to, it just feels wrong and un-natural.

Master will always be MY Master.

We still have contact, with His permission I will still call Him Master, I cannot think of Him any other way.

I just can't be what He needs.

Our journey hasn't ended, its deviated. Its almost as if I have jumped into a car on my own, and we are travelling to the same place, stopping for coffee together along the way every so often.
So the blog won't end here, it just may have lots less posts than it did to begin with.

This is all still very fresh and raw, maybe later He may think differently, or I might, that is something I cannot predict, but for now.... He is someone I truly treasure and do not want to be without, its just the adjustment of what comes next I guess.

And just because it's me, there is music that goes with the post, this one is actually a soundtrack of my week. I have played one CD over and over, every single song having lyrics that called to me, but none specifically fitting the whole thing.

If you have the CD by Adele titled "21" you will know what I mean.

"I set fire to the rain"
"And I threw us into the flames"
"Well it felt like something died"

always and forever HIS kitty.

a message of my own..

My week of no contact is about to be over, and I must say, while I have not struggled this time, I am ready for the week to be over.

My inner slut re-appeared just before Master went away again, and I am glad she hung around this time, rather than stowing away in His luggage.

That could have something to do with being put on webcam, stripped naked and made to do.....all sorts of stuff.

I was also left with the instruction that each day I was to write on my body beneath my clothes and take a full length naked pic, and each night I was to have time becoming acquainted with the butt plug. With the daily pic of the writing on my body, I was also instructed to insert a "largish" item and take a pic.

I am getting better on the camera I must say, I used to take a million pics just to get a couple that are not blurred, now I get them done, little edits and voila!!

The writings on my body have varied between "SLUT" and "HIS KITTY" and others in between.

Today was the last day I had specific instructions on what to write, which means that tomorrow, which is the last day of no contact that I am not required to write, pic, insert or use the butt plug.
After 6 days, its become habit to write, pic, get dressed, head to work.....it will feel slightly odd tomorrow to NOT do as I was asked for the last week, especially since I still wont have any contact.

Soooo, today's words are "Open For Master" and the "largish" item of the day is bought to you by the largest banana I could buy at the grocery store.

And tomorrow....... well I might just surprise Master with a "word of the day" of my own... a private message from me to Him.