goddamn fucking golf....

Dont you just hate it when you find the perfect song for how you are feeling right at this very second, and the whole song resonates with you, and yet you know, that others wont take it the same way you do??

I found a song that PERFECTLY fits with my mood....there is a couple of lines in particular that just SIT RIGHT today.

Since the rest of the song, doesnt quite fit, I wont post all the lyrics, just the bit that sits right.

But bear in mind...this song is being played OVER AND OVER.

You took a long hard look at my ass

And then played golf for a while

coming down is hard...

Tears

When every little thing seems like the biggest deal

Lonely

Hurt

Ache

Sitting with the tissues

Finding a space

Wanting to yell

Wanting something, but not quite sure what

Adam Lambert "Whataya want from me"


Hey, slow it down whataya want from me 
Whataya want from me 
Yeah I'm afraid whataya want from me 
Whataya want from me 

There might have been a time 
When I would give myself away 
Oooh once upon a time I didn't give a damn 
But now, here we are so whataya want from me 
Whataya want from me 

Just don't give up I'm workin it out 
Please don't give in, I won't let you down 
It messed me up, need a second to breathe 
Just keep coming around 
Hey, whataya want from me 
Whataya want from me 
Whataya want from me 

Yeah, it's plain to see (plain to see) 
that baby you're beautiful 
And there's nothing wrong with you 
(nothing wrong with you) 
It's me, I'm a freak (yeah) 
but thanks for lovin' me 
Cause you're doing it perfectly 
(it perfectly) 

There might have been a time 
When I would let you slip away 
I wouldn't even try 
But I think you could save my life 


Just don't give up I'm workin' it out 
Please don't give in, I won't let you down 
It messed me up, need a second to breathe 
Just keep comin around 
Hey, whataya want from me (Whataya want from me) 
Whataya want from me (Whataya want from me) 

Just don't give up on me 
(uuuuuuh) I won't let you down 
No, I won't let you down 

(So hey) just don't give up 
I'm workin it out 
Please don't give in, 
I won't let you down 
It messed me up (It messed me up) 
Need a second to breathe 
Just keep coming around 
Hey, whataya want from me 

Just don't give up I'm workin' it out 
Please don't give in, i won't let you down 
It messed me up, need a second to breathe 
Just keep coming around 
Hey, whataya want from me (whataya want from me) 
whataya want from me (whataya want from me) 
whataya want from me

I HATE sub drop.

Why does a few stolen hours in our busy lifestyles leave me feeling so crap after?? And yet all the while I feel like shit........ I am wanting more, More of what made me feel like shit to begin with.

A complete contradiction in terms, which in itself is the hardest thing to deal with.

He is like a drug. And I am addicted.

I want

Then I get

Then I go down

Then I want more

A series of Highs and Lows...both of which release such different emotions.

ARGGGGGHHHHHHH I HATE sub drop.

is it??? or isnt it???

in all my reading....the one thing that caught my eye, was people talking about sub-drop.

a state of mind that sometimes came after sub-space.

now I am still not entirely sure on the whole sub-space thing...is it a general whole "out of body" feeling, or something else entirely?

either way, I get the feeling that today I am feeling a few sub-drop after effects after my play yesterday with Master.

my brain doesn't seem to want to concentrate on anything for more than 3 seconds, my attention span is ZERO, I could quite happily go have a nap, but I don't want to as I know I wont sleep tonight, I have eaten the whole supply of M & M's that I had, and God Help the next person who says something to annoy me...they will get told where to go very swiftly.

maybe what I need is to go put a movie on and zone out for a while....I really don't know what it is that might make me feel better.

it's not that I feel bad...I don't, but I just feel "off"

maybe it's that my body is still feeling the effects from yesterday...I have marks, which I half expected, but didn't know how I would feel about having, I have aching muscles, and the bits of me that hadn't been touched for a long time....are DAMN sore.

i am guessing all these things add up to sub-drop, and I am WELL AWARE that these are not life threatening feelings, and apart from the sore bits and marks, may all be gone tomorrow, but they are here today.

maybe I need to go find a movie, cuddle on the chair with a quilt and pillow, trouble is, the movie I would pick would more than likely be a sad one, then I would need tissues...and I am not sure I could stop crying  once I started.

then again...maybe that's what I need.... a decent cry session to get it out...I just don't know what it is I feel like.

I am thinking this is my proof that for every action...there is a reaction...and being new at this, I guess only time will help me work out what it is that's going to make me feel better.