It's New Years Eve here in Australia.
The end of an eventful year for me, and the beginnings of another are just hours away.
I have faced court ordered property settlement, a hysterectomy, I have met the love of my life, moved hours away from my family and hometown to begin a new life with Him, I have a new car, and a new motorcycle.
I have lost friends, and gained new ones.
I have found out some of those trite cliches that everybody sprouts are actually more like home truths. And that those that have been through it, often are the ones to let you learn the hard lessons yourself. Sometimes learning the hard way is also the only way.
I have said goodbye to people that have played an important part of my life, and I have met others who will be a constant source of amusement, friendship and inspiration.
It hasn't been a huge year kink wise. In the last 12 months, I have managed only 2 kink events....3 if you count last New Years Eve. But I haven't missed it really. The public scene is great in small doses for me, but it is not where I want my kink life based permanently.
I look back, remembering last New Year's Eve, getting ready at a friends home, chatting with another girlfriend on why it was I was single.
I know I was a constant source of consternation to those who knew me. I didn't actively chase men, nor did I encourage their advances towards me. My "dickhead" radar serves me well, I knew who wanted what, and what I was prepared to give, and those who advanced wanted me not for myself, but for what they imagined I could give.
She asked me to list all those things I wanted in a man. I did try and tell her this was as fluid as a river, that what I wanted now didn't mean it was what I needed or what I would need in the future. Nevertheless, she asked me to list the superficial things that turned me on, the things that given a choice, would accompany brains, intelligence and a sense of humour.
My reply?
Tall.
Standing 5'9" and having a penchant for high heels, I like to still remain shorter than those I stand beside. (in a romantic sense, most of my friends are 4 feet fuck all tall)
Dark.
The one time I deviated from this...it landed me in a bad marriage.
Bald.
I liked the idea of the freshly shaven head. I had never had the opportunity, but I wanted to try it.
Tattoo's
As the owner of 5 tattoo's (at the time) I appreciated those whose art choice were worn on their body as mine are.
Bikie/Trucker.
This is where my inner rev head slut appears. There is nothing better than a machine revving between your thighs, or the vibrations that pass through your body as a truck descends with its engine brakes on.
I figured, as long as I could get somewhere close to that list, I was going to do ok. It would at least take care of the sexual attraction bit. At least.....on my behalf.
I quickly then added 'Accent'
I am an accent slut. I have been known to hold completely inane conversations with total strangers for the simple reason, that they had an accent. Similarly, I have been known to follow men around the supermarket because they smell a certain way.
She laughed at me.
So there we were, half dressed, no makeup, she is laughing so hard she is nearly peeing her pants and I am frowning.
She gets out her phone, sends a text message and says not much more on the subject.
We ventured out and about. To a kink club. With other friends.
She then informs me, I should not be surprised if I get a message on Fetlife in the next couple of days. She has recommended that a friend of hers send me a message.
Being the insatiably curious girl I am, I then ask who.....quickly backing it up with the excuse of needing to know who she had sent in case I got other requests from our night out. She tells me, and I ponder the fact it might be lucky the car was stationary, lest I drive into something in my shock.
The gentleman she had messaged was a play partner of hers, and one I had already perved on from the comfort of my couch.
He messaged the next day, hungover. And as best I can recall, that was the extent of the communication for the next 2 weeks.
Next event....who happened to be there??? Said handsome perved upon gentleman.
Annnnd being the matchmaker she is, my friend had coached him into greeting me with an Irish saying, spoken (of course) in the thick Irish accent.
That was it.
I was done for.
Excitement ran down my leg....literally!
It was the beginnings of something I had no idea would result in the things it has.
2 weeks from that day, we had our first date. It lasted more than 8 hours, and ended with my declaration of love....and Him riding His motorcycle into the sunset.
Almost 12 months later, I love Him more today than I did then.
We are combined under 1 roof, kids, cats motorcycles and all.
Tonight I am not preparing myself for a kink event. I am not even preparing myself to leave the house.
What I am doing is contemplating on how many Wii games that 5 kids will have me playing, or how many popcorn kernels will I have to vacuum off the floor tomorrow.
I love you MY Sir, and even though you are not able to be here with me tonight at midnight, know that you mean the world to me.
I love you always.
I am yours forever more.
You are my everything and my happiness.
My Happiness
Showing posts with label Friends. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Friends. Show all posts
Monday, December 31, 2012
Saturday, September 22, 2012
The lucky slut....
Do you know why I am lucky??
No...good. Grab a coffee and find a comfy seat, I'm about to tell you.
Two years ago....
I was newly single. BDSM had never entered my world except for the occasional joke about me wearing thigh high boots and using handcuffs on guys who pissed me off. Never in my life have I owned or worn thigh high boots, nor at that time, had I ever used handcuffs.
I had the reputation of being a bitch. This came about from the guy who's front teeth I punched out when he refused to stop grabbing my arse on a dance floor while out with some friends.
I knew what I wanted, and what I didn't. I am, and always have been a headstrong female. I like to get what I want, but unlike most women I know. I ask, or I get it for myself. I refuse to play stupid juvenile games to get things. Means more to me if I work for it and earn it.
I was not in a relationship of any kind. I was not WANTING a relationship of any kind. I was enjoying the freedom to do what I wanted, when I wanted without being made to feel guilty when I went out.
Over that 12 month period, I delved into BDSM. I began to explore the kinky side of me I had hidden through shame. The feelings of sexual arousal from 'kinky' things no longer made me feel ashamed, no longer did I have to deny it. There was this whole world of people just like me out there, people who revelled in being 'kinky' It opened my eyes a LOT.
I met a guy, a Dom, who became my Master. Over the next 9 months, I learnt more than I thought possible, but I know I never gave it everything. I always held back a part of me. Not through shame, or the desire to keep secrets, but with the knowledge that this was a temporary relationship. I wasn't about to hand over everything to someone I knew would eventually walk away.
Looking back, it was not an entirely emotionally healthy relationship, but it was exactly what I needed at the time. Some who paid some attention, someone who could communicate and something temporary to help me get through the end of a 14 year relationship. Sounds harsh, but it worked for the both of us, we both got what we wanted at the end of the day.
One year ago..........
I hit the end of that D/s relationship. It had taught me a lot. What I wanted, and what I didn't. It taught me to value myself like I hadn't known how to do before. It taught me I had a lot to offer someone...one day.
I began to venture into the public kink scene. I was enjoying that single feeling again..this time with a lot more confidence than I had before. I knew what I was worth, and that only someone deserving would get the things I had to offer.
One year ago, I could honestly tell you that the only person in the world who supported me was me.
I did everything. On my own. By myself. I was the strong one....always. When I needed to let go, I cried in the shower, got out, and got on with it.
This week....
This week has shown me how lucky I am.
It has been a HUGE month, emotionally.
Sir and I are moving in together...or rather, I am moving in with Sir and his kids...taking the total of kids at our dinner table to 5 every night.
I have been packing the house that I have lived in for 15 years.
I have been dealing with kids who fluctuate between 'I dont wanna go' and raging excitement in the space of 5 minutes flat.
I have been dealing with an ex who is threatening to take me to court.
I have been dealing with friends and family who have been less than supportive at times.
I have been dealing with the internal emotions of leaving what is my hometown, and the only place my kids have ever lived.
All the while, internally excited about starting a new life with Sir and his kids in a new place.
Yesterday I came crashing down.
Last day of school for the kids resulted in tears from all and sundry. The teachers, the kids, the friends, the Principal, and me. I guess to them, the finality of it all hit.
I sat looking at the chaos in the house, half packed, crap everywhere, things to get rid of, things to store, things to pack, things to sell... all things no one can help me with.
I didn't have an emotional 2 cents to rub together.
I decided I needed to see Sir more than I needed anything else.
So I got in the car.
This is where the lucky bit cuts in....
I got there, opened the door and was almost immediately enveloped in a hug. I was told to go lay on the bed.
My shoes were removed, a drink handed to me and Sir held me in His arms for a good 20 minutes...knowing intuitively that I didn't want to talk, explain....that I needed Him, silence and support.
He told me He loved me. He held me. He wiped away the tears.
He asked me where my collar was, told me to get it and sat in the chair, a pillow at His feet.
I knelt before Him, while He buckled my collar on, then stroked my hair as I knelt at His feet, my head on His knees.
We don't have a conventional D/s relationship.
I occasionally tell Him to get fucked. I often stick my finger up at Him. I can be cheeky. I am often a smart arse. I am stubborn when it comes to doing things for myself, but at the same time, pushy at Sir when I want to help Him with something he is doing.
He appreciates me for my strength, admires my independence and enjoys the sexual self confidence I have, but those things are all outweighed by what I get in return.
I get His respect.
I get His communication.
I get His unconditional support.
I get His Dominance.
And most of all, I get His love.
He appreciates me for who I am, not who He thinks I should be, or who He wants me to become.
How lucky can one girl get??
No...good. Grab a coffee and find a comfy seat, I'm about to tell you.
Two years ago....
I was newly single. BDSM had never entered my world except for the occasional joke about me wearing thigh high boots and using handcuffs on guys who pissed me off. Never in my life have I owned or worn thigh high boots, nor at that time, had I ever used handcuffs.
I had the reputation of being a bitch. This came about from the guy who's front teeth I punched out when he refused to stop grabbing my arse on a dance floor while out with some friends.
I knew what I wanted, and what I didn't. I am, and always have been a headstrong female. I like to get what I want, but unlike most women I know. I ask, or I get it for myself. I refuse to play stupid juvenile games to get things. Means more to me if I work for it and earn it.
I was not in a relationship of any kind. I was not WANTING a relationship of any kind. I was enjoying the freedom to do what I wanted, when I wanted without being made to feel guilty when I went out.
Over that 12 month period, I delved into BDSM. I began to explore the kinky side of me I had hidden through shame. The feelings of sexual arousal from 'kinky' things no longer made me feel ashamed, no longer did I have to deny it. There was this whole world of people just like me out there, people who revelled in being 'kinky' It opened my eyes a LOT.
I met a guy, a Dom, who became my Master. Over the next 9 months, I learnt more than I thought possible, but I know I never gave it everything. I always held back a part of me. Not through shame, or the desire to keep secrets, but with the knowledge that this was a temporary relationship. I wasn't about to hand over everything to someone I knew would eventually walk away.
Looking back, it was not an entirely emotionally healthy relationship, but it was exactly what I needed at the time. Some who paid some attention, someone who could communicate and something temporary to help me get through the end of a 14 year relationship. Sounds harsh, but it worked for the both of us, we both got what we wanted at the end of the day.
One year ago..........
I hit the end of that D/s relationship. It had taught me a lot. What I wanted, and what I didn't. It taught me to value myself like I hadn't known how to do before. It taught me I had a lot to offer someone...one day.
I began to venture into the public kink scene. I was enjoying that single feeling again..this time with a lot more confidence than I had before. I knew what I was worth, and that only someone deserving would get the things I had to offer.
One year ago, I could honestly tell you that the only person in the world who supported me was me.
I did everything. On my own. By myself. I was the strong one....always. When I needed to let go, I cried in the shower, got out, and got on with it.
This week....
This week has shown me how lucky I am.
It has been a HUGE month, emotionally.
Sir and I are moving in together...or rather, I am moving in with Sir and his kids...taking the total of kids at our dinner table to 5 every night.
I have been packing the house that I have lived in for 15 years.
I have been dealing with kids who fluctuate between 'I dont wanna go' and raging excitement in the space of 5 minutes flat.
I have been dealing with an ex who is threatening to take me to court.
I have been dealing with friends and family who have been less than supportive at times.
I have been dealing with the internal emotions of leaving what is my hometown, and the only place my kids have ever lived.
All the while, internally excited about starting a new life with Sir and his kids in a new place.
Yesterday I came crashing down.
Last day of school for the kids resulted in tears from all and sundry. The teachers, the kids, the friends, the Principal, and me. I guess to them, the finality of it all hit.
I sat looking at the chaos in the house, half packed, crap everywhere, things to get rid of, things to store, things to pack, things to sell... all things no one can help me with.
I didn't have an emotional 2 cents to rub together.
I decided I needed to see Sir more than I needed anything else.
So I got in the car.
This is where the lucky bit cuts in....
I got there, opened the door and was almost immediately enveloped in a hug. I was told to go lay on the bed.
My shoes were removed, a drink handed to me and Sir held me in His arms for a good 20 minutes...knowing intuitively that I didn't want to talk, explain....that I needed Him, silence and support.
He told me He loved me. He held me. He wiped away the tears.
He asked me where my collar was, told me to get it and sat in the chair, a pillow at His feet.
I knelt before Him, while He buckled my collar on, then stroked my hair as I knelt at His feet, my head on His knees.
We don't have a conventional D/s relationship.
I occasionally tell Him to get fucked. I often stick my finger up at Him. I can be cheeky. I am often a smart arse. I am stubborn when it comes to doing things for myself, but at the same time, pushy at Sir when I want to help Him with something he is doing.
He appreciates me for my strength, admires my independence and enjoys the sexual self confidence I have, but those things are all outweighed by what I get in return.
I get His respect.
I get His communication.
I get His unconditional support.
I get His Dominance.
And most of all, I get His love.
He appreciates me for who I am, not who He thinks I should be, or who He wants me to become.
How lucky can one girl get??
Thursday, August 2, 2012
3 small things....
In a conversation with a friend today, we discussed her views on BDSM, and all that encompasses.
For her, there is 3 definable aspects, Psychological, Physical and Domestic.
The physical comes with and/or without sex dependant on who she is playing with. (As far as I know, Hubs is reserved the right to the sex part.) It can be beatings, spankings, needles and other assorted things, but it is not the act as such, more the mind space the actions place her in.
The domestic is something I have had little experience with. It is the responsibilities of maintaining her home. Being expected to do certain things around the house, or as she puts it "making sure she is not an all around lazy fuck"
The psychological is the ability to allow someone to play inside your mind. And finding someone who is a. actually able to stimulate you enough psychologically, and b. be someone you trust enough to allow to roam around in there can be a monumental effort in itself.
She feels lost because she finds herself in a place where she is getting bits and pieces of those things from varying places, in differing people.
It got me thinking..... Is it possible to get all three components from one person?
I am sure somewhere, someone has all three in their lives, but are they completely fulfilled with what they have? or are they so desensitised to kink and all things BDSM that they too crave something more?
I get the physical...with sex.
I am curious as to what the physical may be like without sex, but I don't play with others, so that is something I will discuss with Sir.
The domestic I get a touch of in a bizarre kind of way.
Between Sir and I, we have 5 kids, so I am always conscious of cleaning as I go when they are all around, I am also just as happy to sit on the couch and fold His washing when we are alone and He is watching TV or playing on the interwebz with the boys.
My one and only task domestic wise is to change the doona (quilt) covers. It is Sir's pet hate, which makes me feel useful, which it a trigger for me to feel like I have pleased Him.
But ultimately, because we do not share a house, my house is my responsibility and He feels that His house is His responsibility.
The psychological, well that is a hard one for me.
While I am very aware that Sir will always be one step ahead of me in this department, I sometimes feel like that part is something I don't have outside the times we play.
I am probably wrong (usually am) He probably plays with my head so gently I don't even see it, or He (as suggested to me) may be playing in such a manner that it is building slower than I have been used to, OR I am right (there's a first) and He isn't dipping in there at all unless we are playing.
Which brings me to having a D/s relationship over a distance, and the 'in-between' times.
I have blogged many a time about being controlled, feeling it, and the days where I struggle. My last post was about me feeling like I am missing something.
It is the control. But it is also the mind fuck. And by mind fuck, I don't mean hours of talk, or pushing boundaries, for me it can be as simple as
"Go write X on your tits and text/email me a pic, you have 15 minutes"
or
"Get the buttplug and wear it to collect the kids from school"
or
"Masturbate for as long as it takes you to get to the edge, then text me for permission to cum"
or
anything He chooses that I can physically do that puts me in the submissive mind set.
To me, the mind fuck is the trigger that switches me from the capable, assertive, intelligent woman I am, to the submissive woman.
It can be one sentence - typed, emailed, a few words - spoken, whispered or yelled, or it can be long conversations.
It is the content, and the person behind the content, not the act.
A stranger can tell me to send a pic of my tits and they get a 'fuck off' in response.
If Sir said it, I would melt, hurry to obey and feel all squishy and clenchy inside in an instant.
The whole thing is a journey of learning.
What grossed me out and pushed my boundaries a year ago, now seems like an everything day to do and doesn't provide the spark of breathless excitement it used to. Part of that is that before...everything was new and like a honeymoon phase of a relationship, everything is new and exciting. And the other part of that is I have come to love things that I thought I would hate. And the breathless excitement used to be with fear, and now it is a sigh of pleasure at what is to come.
I don't think everyone can find all the things they need in the ways they wish it from the one person.. I think it is about compromise. Finding the things you HAVE to have, getting those from the person you love the most and compromising on the rest.
The few things I will never compromise on are
a. Sir in my life, by my side, and in my heart.
b. Being someone's priority and not an option.
c. Being valued for who and what I am.
Thank God those are things I have in my life now.
Even on the bad days, those things make me smile.
For her, there is 3 definable aspects, Psychological, Physical and Domestic.
The physical comes with and/or without sex dependant on who she is playing with. (As far as I know, Hubs is reserved the right to the sex part.) It can be beatings, spankings, needles and other assorted things, but it is not the act as such, more the mind space the actions place her in.
The domestic is something I have had little experience with. It is the responsibilities of maintaining her home. Being expected to do certain things around the house, or as she puts it "making sure she is not an all around lazy fuck"
The psychological is the ability to allow someone to play inside your mind. And finding someone who is a. actually able to stimulate you enough psychologically, and b. be someone you trust enough to allow to roam around in there can be a monumental effort in itself.
She feels lost because she finds herself in a place where she is getting bits and pieces of those things from varying places, in differing people.
It got me thinking..... Is it possible to get all three components from one person?
I am sure somewhere, someone has all three in their lives, but are they completely fulfilled with what they have? or are they so desensitised to kink and all things BDSM that they too crave something more?
I get the physical...with sex.
I am curious as to what the physical may be like without sex, but I don't play with others, so that is something I will discuss with Sir.
The domestic I get a touch of in a bizarre kind of way.
Between Sir and I, we have 5 kids, so I am always conscious of cleaning as I go when they are all around, I am also just as happy to sit on the couch and fold His washing when we are alone and He is watching TV or playing on the interwebz with the boys.
My one and only task domestic wise is to change the doona (quilt) covers. It is Sir's pet hate, which makes me feel useful, which it a trigger for me to feel like I have pleased Him.
But ultimately, because we do not share a house, my house is my responsibility and He feels that His house is His responsibility.
The psychological, well that is a hard one for me.
While I am very aware that Sir will always be one step ahead of me in this department, I sometimes feel like that part is something I don't have outside the times we play.
I am probably wrong (usually am) He probably plays with my head so gently I don't even see it, or He (as suggested to me) may be playing in such a manner that it is building slower than I have been used to, OR I am right (there's a first) and He isn't dipping in there at all unless we are playing.
Which brings me to having a D/s relationship over a distance, and the 'in-between' times.
I have blogged many a time about being controlled, feeling it, and the days where I struggle. My last post was about me feeling like I am missing something.
It is the control. But it is also the mind fuck. And by mind fuck, I don't mean hours of talk, or pushing boundaries, for me it can be as simple as
"Go write X on your tits and text/email me a pic, you have 15 minutes"
or
"Get the buttplug and wear it to collect the kids from school"
or
"Masturbate for as long as it takes you to get to the edge, then text me for permission to cum"
or
anything He chooses that I can physically do that puts me in the submissive mind set.
To me, the mind fuck is the trigger that switches me from the capable, assertive, intelligent woman I am, to the submissive woman.
It can be one sentence - typed, emailed, a few words - spoken, whispered or yelled, or it can be long conversations.
It is the content, and the person behind the content, not the act.
A stranger can tell me to send a pic of my tits and they get a 'fuck off' in response.
If Sir said it, I would melt, hurry to obey and feel all squishy and clenchy inside in an instant.
The whole thing is a journey of learning.
What grossed me out and pushed my boundaries a year ago, now seems like an everything day to do and doesn't provide the spark of breathless excitement it used to. Part of that is that before...everything was new and like a honeymoon phase of a relationship, everything is new and exciting. And the other part of that is I have come to love things that I thought I would hate. And the breathless excitement used to be with fear, and now it is a sigh of pleasure at what is to come.
I don't think everyone can find all the things they need in the ways they wish it from the one person.. I think it is about compromise. Finding the things you HAVE to have, getting those from the person you love the most and compromising on the rest.
The few things I will never compromise on are
a. Sir in my life, by my side, and in my heart.
b. Being someone's priority and not an option.
c. Being valued for who and what I am.
Thank God those are things I have in my life now.
Even on the bad days, those things make me smile.
Friday, July 13, 2012
Shoes, Shoes and more shoes!!!!
I have a thing for feet.
Hate them.
Disgusting vile things they are.
Toejam, manky nails, callouses, ugly feet, big feet.... even typing that sentence made me dry retch.
The single only reason I haven't asked a Doctor to cut mine off is.......
SHOES!!!!
I lurve shoes.
Especially heels.
HIGH heels!!
BOOTS
God love em... I love em all.
red, pink, green, black, purple, orange...any colour heels and I love every single pair.
If I were richer....I am betting my nickname would be Emelda.
I have found a haven for shoes.
Funky shoes.
Heels
Boots
Even those shoes I would never let my mother see me wearing.
And even better...the owner is a spunky and handsome kinky guy.
I am about to break the self imposed ban on new shoes just to buy a pair from his website... I have been eyeing them off for a couple weeks as the website slowly got built.
I think you should go check the shoes out.....and more importantly BUY SOME.
Great return policy, always impeccable service and the best range I have seen for kinksters in a LONG time (like forever)
You can find the link HERE
Let me know what you think, and I promise I will upload a pic of me wearing my new shoes as soon as I decide between the 15 pairs I have my eye on!!!
Hate them.
Disgusting vile things they are.
Toejam, manky nails, callouses, ugly feet, big feet.... even typing that sentence made me dry retch.
The single only reason I haven't asked a Doctor to cut mine off is.......
SHOES!!!!
I lurve shoes.
Especially heels.
HIGH heels!!
BOOTS
God love em... I love em all.
red, pink, green, black, purple, orange...any colour heels and I love every single pair.
If I were richer....I am betting my nickname would be Emelda.
I have found a haven for shoes.
Funky shoes.
Heels
Boots
Even those shoes I would never let my mother see me wearing.
And even better...the owner is a spunky and handsome kinky guy.
I am about to break the self imposed ban on new shoes just to buy a pair from his website... I have been eyeing them off for a couple weeks as the website slowly got built.
I think you should go check the shoes out.....and more importantly BUY SOME.
Great return policy, always impeccable service and the best range I have seen for kinksters in a LONG time (like forever)
Let me know what you think, and I promise I will upload a pic of me wearing my new shoes as soon as I decide between the 15 pairs I have my eye on!!!
Wednesday, July 4, 2012
Threesomes.....
Something that has been on my mind this week is threesomes.
I am a threesome virgin.
But the idea of being at the mercy of two males, to use as they pleased...turns me on.
Double penetration...or add a toy of some sort and make it a triple penetration...makes me curious.
Sir has always given me the impression that He is unlikely to ever share me with another..even on a one off basis.
And I will admit to taking some security in that. It is nice to know He protects me that much.
But after a comment made about filling all my holes, combined with a blog post elsewhere on the thoughts of a male Dom on threesomes, and a couple of posts about others who have had them, all have me thinking more about it.
I shared the blog post with Sir and was surprised by His reaction.
He indicated it was something that had been on His mind lately also.
I asked why the apparent change of mind about sharing me and got the answer "because I trust you"
Am I shopping for someone to play with us??
Not in a pink fit.
Would I if asked?
If I was made to...otherwise I wouldn't.
If Sir wants to share me with another, I would rather it be someone I don't know, someone I won't have contact with again. I never want this to be an issue between us, bring a friend into it would only cause doubts as far as I can see.
But how do you find a person to trust who you don't already know and won't see again?.... that is the dilemma in my head that makes me think I will just have to keep it as a fantasy.
Luckily for me... there are toys we can use to fill more than one hole at a time.
Friday, January 13, 2012
One year on...
I have thought about this particular blog post for a few weeks now...knowing the date would come quicker than I could think of anything to write. And I am still not entirely sure I know what I want to say, so please excuse me for the rambling and the tears.
Today is one year to the date since I started this blog, which was also the day I was owned for the first time.
Part of me is wishing I had spent the day with Him, celebrating a year of crazy madness. But since we didn't make the full year, that was never going to happen.
Part of me is thankful for the year I have had. While I have a few downs, overall, it has been a great year. I have learnt more about myself than I ever knew I would, met wonderful people, and had a fantastic journey.
The other part of me is the bitch part and I have done my best to duct tape her to the bottom side of the couch as I am not sure I could control her once I released her.
In the last few days, there have been some hurtful words spoken on both sides, and I am thinking while he has never said it outright, that this is it. No more contact at all.
I have packed up the box of things, and put them away, that is something I did weeks ago when he refused to take the collar back, as well as the other things. This time I have wrapped the box up and placed it at the back where I cannot see it and need to make an effort to get it out.
So it has been a big year for me, and I can see the next few months being another whole new journey beginning for me in that I have some surgery coming up to get my body back to somewhere close to normal I hope, and after that who knows who I will meet or what will happen.
Thank you to my awesome friends who supported me on this journey, you all know who you are.
For Him who was my Master..I have one last song for you, maybe you will listen to the words and REALLY pay attention, it may explain to you the things I seemingly couldn't.
Here it is. I hope it makes you think the same way it makes me think when I hear it.
Friday, October 28, 2011
last one...
After today I won't be posting to this blog any longer.
I may start another one somewhere down the track, but not here, and not under this name.
Thank you to those who have followed my journey, offered advice, hugs when needed, and a kick up the arse occasionally when required.
To those who linked my blog to theirs, thank you for your support, but you may want to delete me...no one wants to read a blog that is never updated.
A special thank you to the wonderful man who was my Master.
My journey would not have been half as wonderful, special and a Merry-Go-Round of all things good and bad without you.
Thank you for everything you have taught me, thank you for all the patience you have shown, and the care I felt/feel.
I may start another one somewhere down the track, but not here, and not under this name.
Thank you to those who have followed my journey, offered advice, hugs when needed, and a kick up the arse occasionally when required.
To those who linked my blog to theirs, thank you for your support, but you may want to delete me...no one wants to read a blog that is never updated.
A special thank you to the wonderful man who was my Master.
My journey would not have been half as wonderful, special and a Merry-Go-Round of all things good and bad without you.
Thank you for everything you have taught me, thank you for all the patience you have shown, and the care I felt/feel.
Monday, October 24, 2011
wishes and not regrets...
If I hadn't asked to be released, I would have missed out on so many wonderful things over the last few weeks.
I have met some wonderful kinky people, away from this damn computer.
I have been to two events... Yes _sg TWO events!!!
I have made new friends both online, and in real life.
People who now, I can see will discuss bondage and kinky sex with me even when we are too old to actually be able to do it.
I have had a wonderful month or so...kink wise.
And yet??
I wish I could have done all this while I was still collared, still HIS.
I cannot regret asking to be released, that would mean I would have never posted that personal ad, never had comments and messages from people I can now call friends, never had an invite for coffee, which led to an event, which led to more friends, and another event, and probably more to come.
But I wish there had been a way to be able to have my cake and eat it too.
I have met some wonderful kinky people, away from this damn computer.
I have been to two events... Yes _sg TWO events!!!
I have made new friends both online, and in real life.
People who now, I can see will discuss bondage and kinky sex with me even when we are too old to actually be able to do it.
I have had a wonderful month or so...kink wise.
And yet??
I wish I could have done all this while I was still collared, still HIS.
I cannot regret asking to be released, that would mean I would have never posted that personal ad, never had comments and messages from people I can now call friends, never had an invite for coffee, which led to an event, which led to more friends, and another event, and probably more to come.
But I wish there had been a way to be able to have my cake and eat it too.
Sunday, October 16, 2011
missing things...
The idea of not blogging about certain things is not that I think I should censor what I write, or that there are things that just shouldn't be blogged about, it was more that now that I have attended a kink event, and people I met there I have added to fetlife, and those same people read my blog.
Now that in itself is not an issue for me, I love that people read my blog, the issue is if I met someone, and mentioned that same person on here, that those people may or may not know who I am talking about.
Starting a new journey with someone different, or making the beginnings of a new friendship can be hard enough as it is, without broadcasting all the bits that are hard, confusing and exciting.
I know I have people I can talk to about those things, both online, and in person, but sometimes writing down different things can also help me work through the confusion.
So the not blogging about specifics is not for my benefit, its more about protecting the innocent so to speak.
Not everyone wants to know that the whole world is watching, reading about your life, the things you say and do.
In the meantime, I am craving submission and sex.
I miss not feeling like I belong to someone.
And of all the things, that feeling is the hardest, as that is/was the one thing I struggled with in the beginning....knowing I would BELONG to someone, that I would be OWNED.
I am a big girl...I can do all the things I want to do on my own, I can look after myself, I can do what needs to be done, I DO NOT need a man in my life to do those things, and yet I miss being owned, belonging to someone, I miss tasks, I miss hearing what would be done to me. I miss a lot of things.
For those who commented, namely Maui girl and sg, if you guys want to read the private blog, I have no issue with that, I just need email addy's to add you to the list of approved.
I know you two have valuable input, and always help clear things up a little, and the fact that you both have no idea who it is that I am blogging about.....solves that issue xx
Now that in itself is not an issue for me, I love that people read my blog, the issue is if I met someone, and mentioned that same person on here, that those people may or may not know who I am talking about.
Starting a new journey with someone different, or making the beginnings of a new friendship can be hard enough as it is, without broadcasting all the bits that are hard, confusing and exciting.
I know I have people I can talk to about those things, both online, and in person, but sometimes writing down different things can also help me work through the confusion.
So the not blogging about specifics is not for my benefit, its more about protecting the innocent so to speak.
Not everyone wants to know that the whole world is watching, reading about your life, the things you say and do.
In the meantime, I am craving submission and sex.
I miss not feeling like I belong to someone.
And of all the things, that feeling is the hardest, as that is/was the one thing I struggled with in the beginning....knowing I would BELONG to someone, that I would be OWNED.
I am a big girl...I can do all the things I want to do on my own, I can look after myself, I can do what needs to be done, I DO NOT need a man in my life to do those things, and yet I miss being owned, belonging to someone, I miss tasks, I miss hearing what would be done to me. I miss a lot of things.
For those who commented, namely Maui girl and sg, if you guys want to read the private blog, I have no issue with that, I just need email addy's to add you to the list of approved.
I know you two have valuable input, and always help clear things up a little, and the fact that you both have no idea who it is that I am blogging about.....solves that issue xx
Tuesday, October 4, 2011
Curiosity caned the kitty...
I went!!!
Oh boy, I was so nervous I could have thrown up at ANY point while driving down there.
Thank goodness I had 3 other people in the car, or I am sure I would have stopped, turned around and come home without going.
I wore a little black dress, short, and 5 inch heels.
I almost, at times felt overdressed. The ladies there wore lovely dresses, fantastic boots, and my eye was drawn to a virtual array of wonderful corset tops, which I was instantly jealous of.
I met some wonderful people, all very welcoming and nice..and never did I feel like I was the odd one out, or that my look screamed "newb".
Lots of different play was available to try, I saw rope bondage, gorgeous knots, suspension, a St Andrews cross or two, spankings, men dressed as women, women dressed as men, it was very much an each to their own night and it was wonderful to see it all. I had a blast looking, watching, and taking it all in.
For as much as I had fun, I also walked around a lot thinking of Him. Wondering if He knew I was there, wondering what He would have thought about me going, whether I may have had some rules, temporarily so I didn't do something I shouldn't.
I think I behaved, I did play, ok...shoot me, I was curious... I watched 2 ladies line up and get a caning, only gently, one was a younger girl and it was her first time. The Top was very gentle with her, and at one point I had to bite my lip with her as her face grimaced and eyes widened as the cane landed on her almost bare arse.
I was thengently nudged talked into getting a caning of my own. Yes, I could have said no, but curiosity got the better of me, and that's one of the things He had never done to me.
I bent over, hands braced on the arm of a low line couch, felt my dress be lifted from behind, baring my arse for all to see, I dropped my head, my hair falling forwards hiding the face I was sure was bright red by now.
The "Caner" bent over me, talked to me, told me what he would do, and how, then stepped back and "did his thing" always checking I was ok, smiling when I looked at him over my shoulder calling him a bastard.
Fast foward what was probably about 5-10 minutes and my arse was STINGING.
I put my hand back there and could feel welts, the red hot burning set in, as painful as it is pleasurable.
Standing up, pulling my dress back down, He hugged me, told me I did great, patted my sore butt and stood there with a smile.
Caned Sunday night, and this is the end result on Tuesday.
Since then I have had plenty of time to think about things, whether or not I liked it, whether or not I want to try it again, whether or not I should have done it, and how I feel about the fact that I now have marks, given to me by someone other than Him, had a first experience with someone other than Him.
If I am truthful, and it is in no way meant to be disrespectful to the "caner", I was emotional over it. Having a first experience wasn't as bad as the fact that someone else marked me.
It was odd to have the pain and the marks without any intimacy afterwards, no holding, kissing, touching, definitely not what I have had in the past, and that felt odd, and slightly confusing.
If nothing else happened that night, I gained some wonderful new friends, I got my first caning, and the requisite marks that follow, and I now have to think about what it is comes next.
Oh boy, I was so nervous I could have thrown up at ANY point while driving down there.
Thank goodness I had 3 other people in the car, or I am sure I would have stopped, turned around and come home without going.
I wore a little black dress, short, and 5 inch heels.
I almost, at times felt overdressed. The ladies there wore lovely dresses, fantastic boots, and my eye was drawn to a virtual array of wonderful corset tops, which I was instantly jealous of.
I met some wonderful people, all very welcoming and nice..and never did I feel like I was the odd one out, or that my look screamed "newb".
Lots of different play was available to try, I saw rope bondage, gorgeous knots, suspension, a St Andrews cross or two, spankings, men dressed as women, women dressed as men, it was very much an each to their own night and it was wonderful to see it all. I had a blast looking, watching, and taking it all in.
For as much as I had fun, I also walked around a lot thinking of Him. Wondering if He knew I was there, wondering what He would have thought about me going, whether I may have had some rules, temporarily so I didn't do something I shouldn't.
I think I behaved, I did play, ok...shoot me, I was curious... I watched 2 ladies line up and get a caning, only gently, one was a younger girl and it was her first time. The Top was very gentle with her, and at one point I had to bite my lip with her as her face grimaced and eyes widened as the cane landed on her almost bare arse.
I was then
I bent over, hands braced on the arm of a low line couch, felt my dress be lifted from behind, baring my arse for all to see, I dropped my head, my hair falling forwards hiding the face I was sure was bright red by now.
The "Caner" bent over me, talked to me, told me what he would do, and how, then stepped back and "did his thing" always checking I was ok, smiling when I looked at him over my shoulder calling him a bastard.
Fast foward what was probably about 5-10 minutes and my arse was STINGING.
I put my hand back there and could feel welts, the red hot burning set in, as painful as it is pleasurable.
Standing up, pulling my dress back down, He hugged me, told me I did great, patted my sore butt and stood there with a smile.
Caned Sunday night, and this is the end result on Tuesday.
Since then I have had plenty of time to think about things, whether or not I liked it, whether or not I want to try it again, whether or not I should have done it, and how I feel about the fact that I now have marks, given to me by someone other than Him, had a first experience with someone other than Him.
If I am truthful, and it is in no way meant to be disrespectful to the "caner", I was emotional over it. Having a first experience wasn't as bad as the fact that someone else marked me.
It was odd to have the pain and the marks without any intimacy afterwards, no holding, kissing, touching, definitely not what I have had in the past, and that felt odd, and slightly confusing.
If nothing else happened that night, I gained some wonderful new friends, I got my first caning, and the requisite marks that follow, and I now have to think about what it is comes next.
Sunday, October 2, 2011
I give good wordage!!
I received some advice a little while ago from a wonderful friend who told me to STOP LOOKING, and just make the effort to get involved in the local kink scene, or as local as I felt comfy with, make some friends, and just enjoy having a good time.
I pondered that advice for all of about, maybe a day.... two at most.
Then I went to my personal ad I had previously posted and Thanked everyone for their comments, remarked I have not found what I wanted, but knew now what it is that I actually do want....I think!
I do want to stop looking.
I did make the effort to get a little more involved in the local kink scene...sorta, kinda, maybe.
I made my first set of local kinky friends....we had a wonderful 3 hours having coffee, chatting, getting to know each other a little better.
I have also had a new influx in messages.....why I do not know...but I have.
Some I can tell are just chatting, some are friends of the kinky friends, some are strangers wanting a quick wank fest, some are outright bizarre, but in the last 2 weeks, I have had more messages than I have had since I began... all added together.
I have phone numbers, one I am pondering on using, the others I didn't even write down.
I have been called, adorable, sexy, precious, cute, complicated, sassy (now there is a surprise NOT) and a whole host of other names.
I have been told my pics on there range from just ok, to downright fuckable.
The biggest compliment I have had so far???
I was told I "give good wordage"
I am pretty sure that means I give as good as I get ;p
And I am possibly going to my first event tonight...... *bites fingernails*
Now.....what the fuck do I wear?????
I pondered that advice for all of about, maybe a day.... two at most.
Then I went to my personal ad I had previously posted and Thanked everyone for their comments, remarked I have not found what I wanted, but knew now what it is that I actually do want....I think!
I do want to stop looking.
I did make the effort to get a little more involved in the local kink scene...sorta, kinda, maybe.
I made my first set of local kinky friends....we had a wonderful 3 hours having coffee, chatting, getting to know each other a little better.
I have also had a new influx in messages.....why I do not know...but I have.
Some I can tell are just chatting, some are friends of the kinky friends, some are strangers wanting a quick wank fest, some are outright bizarre, but in the last 2 weeks, I have had more messages than I have had since I began... all added together.
I have phone numbers, one I am pondering on using, the others I didn't even write down.
I have been called, adorable, sexy, precious, cute, complicated, sassy (now there is a surprise NOT) and a whole host of other names.
I have been told my pics on there range from just ok, to downright fuckable.
The biggest compliment I have had so far???
I was told I "give good wordage"
I am pretty sure that means I give as good as I get ;p
And I am possibly going to my first event tonight...... *bites fingernails*
Now.....what the fuck do I wear?????
Tuesday, September 13, 2011
The Ugly Truth about Bananas
I once had a pair of friends, who loved each other in their own ways, living 1000's miles apart, neither having easy, uncomplicated lives.
Both had issues, both wanted to protect each other from hurt.
So, by wanting to protect each other, they both kept the honest truth to themselves, which in turn, meant that they were making decisions for the other.
By sparing the person you love from the "Ugly Truth", you are not telling them everything, and you are taking away the right they have to make their own decisions.
On one hand, this is caring at its best. No one likes to hurt the person they love.
On the other hand, you are being less than truthful and you then miss out on the possibility that they too have an "Ugly Truth" they have been sparing you from.
I have an "Ugly Truth"
I kept it from someone I love.
I ended an important relationship in my life, and I didn't tell the honest truth.
The honest truth would hurt them, make them feel as if it were all their fault, and that's not the case.
Nothing is ever one person's fault when it comes to relationship's. Two people are involved. Two people start it. Everyone has faults.
My fault, I have this thing inside me that wants to protect the people I love from hurt.
Most people have it in some form. I have this insanely huge need to always protect the one's I love.
My kids, my family, my friends...it doesn't differentiate between who it is. I am the original mother bear who protects things viciously.
The protection comes in all forms, it comes in telling people off who hurt the ones I love, it comes in the form of keeping secrets to protect people, it comes to physical violence when the need calls for it. I don't hesitate to step into a fight to protect the ones I love.
My Ugly truth is I couldn't be in a relationship with someone I loved and not feel like I was an important part of their life.
A lot of the time I felt like I had no place in his life.
That I was a convenience rather than a priority.
The things I wanted were never things he couldn't give me, just things he chose not to give me.
Knowing he CHOSE to not give me the things I needed hurt the most.
I made the CHOICE to give him everything I could, even the things he didn't ask for.
I also made the choice to end things and not tell him stuff as to not hurt him.
I was wrong.
I don't have the right to end a relationship without telling the ugly truth.
Talking to a friend after it was all said and done...She gave me the honest and ugly truth.
That I hadn't been fair, that I had taken the right away from him to choose.
I should have given him the ugly truth and let him make his own decisions based on the whole truth.
I should have told him that I needed to hear his voice more.
I should have told him I loved him.
I should have told him that this would be easier knowing he loved me, that it would make it worth it.
I should have told him that I couldn't keep it this way any more.
I should have told him I would have taken his secrets to the grave.
I should have said a lot of things.
I didn't, because I didn't want to hurt him.
Ha made me promise not to fall in love.
I didn't.
What I did do, was believe in him, trust him, share things with him, let him through these walls into that place I have reserved for those I trust.
I let him into my heart.
I do love him.
Its impossible for me to have shared the things with him that I have and not feel love.
But I am still not "in love"
"In love" to me means happily ever after.
You can love people you get no happy ever after with.
My friend told me I had to share these things with him...that if I didn't, I was making his decisions for him.
That by not sharing the "Ugly Truth" it was like making a Banana cake without the Bananas.
A Banana cake without the Bananas is just a vanilla cake.
She told me I hadn't done wrong, I just hadn't finished it.
I needed to add the Bananas.
So this letter is my Bananas. This is my Ugly Truth about Bananas.
I love him.
I didn't want to end the relationship.
I just didn't want to tell him that I couldn't live without the things he CHOSE not to give me any longer.
And I was wrong not to share my ugly truth and let him make his own decisions.
Both had issues, both wanted to protect each other from hurt.
So, by wanting to protect each other, they both kept the honest truth to themselves, which in turn, meant that they were making decisions for the other.
By sparing the person you love from the "Ugly Truth", you are not telling them everything, and you are taking away the right they have to make their own decisions.
On one hand, this is caring at its best. No one likes to hurt the person they love.
On the other hand, you are being less than truthful and you then miss out on the possibility that they too have an "Ugly Truth" they have been sparing you from.
I have an "Ugly Truth"
I kept it from someone I love.
I ended an important relationship in my life, and I didn't tell the honest truth.
The honest truth would hurt them, make them feel as if it were all their fault, and that's not the case.
Nothing is ever one person's fault when it comes to relationship's. Two people are involved. Two people start it. Everyone has faults.
My fault, I have this thing inside me that wants to protect the people I love from hurt.
Most people have it in some form. I have this insanely huge need to always protect the one's I love.
My kids, my family, my friends...it doesn't differentiate between who it is. I am the original mother bear who protects things viciously.
The protection comes in all forms, it comes in telling people off who hurt the ones I love, it comes in the form of keeping secrets to protect people, it comes to physical violence when the need calls for it. I don't hesitate to step into a fight to protect the ones I love.
My Ugly truth is I couldn't be in a relationship with someone I loved and not feel like I was an important part of their life.
A lot of the time I felt like I had no place in his life.
That I was a convenience rather than a priority.
The things I wanted were never things he couldn't give me, just things he chose not to give me.
Knowing he CHOSE to not give me the things I needed hurt the most.
I made the CHOICE to give him everything I could, even the things he didn't ask for.
I also made the choice to end things and not tell him stuff as to not hurt him.
I was wrong.
I don't have the right to end a relationship without telling the ugly truth.
Talking to a friend after it was all said and done...She gave me the honest and ugly truth.
That I hadn't been fair, that I had taken the right away from him to choose.
I should have given him the ugly truth and let him make his own decisions based on the whole truth.
I should have told him that I needed to hear his voice more.
I should have told him I loved him.
I should have told him that this would be easier knowing he loved me, that it would make it worth it.
I should have told him that I couldn't keep it this way any more.
I should have told him I would have taken his secrets to the grave.
I should have said a lot of things.
I didn't, because I didn't want to hurt him.
Ha made me promise not to fall in love.
I didn't.
What I did do, was believe in him, trust him, share things with him, let him through these walls into that place I have reserved for those I trust.
I let him into my heart.
I do love him.
Its impossible for me to have shared the things with him that I have and not feel love.
But I am still not "in love"
"In love" to me means happily ever after.
You can love people you get no happy ever after with.
My friend told me I had to share these things with him...that if I didn't, I was making his decisions for him.
That by not sharing the "Ugly Truth" it was like making a Banana cake without the Bananas.
A Banana cake without the Bananas is just a vanilla cake.
She told me I hadn't done wrong, I just hadn't finished it.
I needed to add the Bananas.
So this letter is my Bananas. This is my Ugly Truth about Bananas.
I love him.
I didn't want to end the relationship.
I just didn't want to tell him that I couldn't live without the things he CHOSE not to give me any longer.
And I was wrong not to share my ugly truth and let him make his own decisions.
Saturday, July 2, 2011
passion and anger.....
Chatting with a friend tonight I realised 2 things about myself that I have never known...or actually really thought about before..but first, a little explanation so it will make sense how I came to this conclusion about myself.
Explanation....... I was doing a little bit of blunt as a baseball bat Aussie style, 7000 miles away internet consolation with a friend who has had a fight with the one person in the world she adores.
For anyone who knows me....I can be slightly less than tactful at times. Most of the time I can hold a lot of the bluntness in check, other times it spews out like "suck it up princess, you did it, now you fix it"
Tonight I was somewhere in the middle.
According to some anonymous poster a while back... I am lacking in the "grace and class" departments.
Not news to me.
Not even news to anyone who really knows me.
I am me....if you dont like it...dont let the door hit ya where the good lord split ya.
Annnnyway, I was doing the tissue passing across skype and I typed something to her that I hadnt really thought about...the words just appeared on the screen before my brain had time to process what was coming off the fingertips.
I said..and I quote...
"and like her, I use picking a fight with the person I care about to make them see how important something is to me when I think they arent listening"
I sat there...staring at the screen, looking at those words for a LONG time.
I do that.
I use my anger to show people that I am hurt, that I think they havent listened to something that is important to me.
I use it to see if it will get a reaction.
I want to know they care enough to not let me run away.
yikes...now I am contemplating deleting that last line...even for me thats a bit out there in the admissions department
Fuck it....I havent censored anything on here yet, not about to start now.
The second thing I learnt about myself today was I am a passionate person.
Now....that in itself is not news to me, I am passionate about a lot of things, pretty much all of the time.
I am passionate about my kids and family.
I am passionate about my friends.
I love with all my heart in many different ways.
I dont have someone in my life that I am "in love with" but I do have a great many friends who I love with all my heart, and each and every one of them I love in different ways, for different things.
I can hear you asking how in the tell that any of that surprised me today...... well, I will tell you how.
The fact that I am passionate is one thing, and not a new thing, but its the reverse of this that I had never thought about before.
I am passionate when I love, but I am also passionate when I hate.
Now...just to qualify this...I really dont hate often or a lot...actually very rarely, but I do have a devious streak.
I like my revenge to be silent.
Like fucking Master on the kitchen table a week before my ex husband took it.
I like to be able to look at someone and smile, knowing that if they knew what was in my head, that they would more than likely take exception to whatever it is I know.
I am also passionate about other things, like.....when I get upset, I get UPSET.
But once I have rid myself of whatever is bothering me, whether that be by working it out, or by solving the issue, or sometimes it can even be as simple as getting it off my chest by blogging about it, writing in my VENT journal or kicking the fuck out of the punching bag...I am back to normal, back to the normal mostly happy person I am.
What does all this mean you ask???
Fucked if I know really...I am still working that out for myself, but now at least, I can be aware of them.....maybe that will mean I can control any outbursts that need to come out of me, in a better way than I have in the past...and maybe...JUST maybe, I will learn a way to communicate that I feel like I am not being listened to about the important stuff.
Explanation....... I was doing a little bit of blunt as a baseball bat Aussie style, 7000 miles away internet consolation with a friend who has had a fight with the one person in the world she adores.
For anyone who knows me....I can be slightly less than tactful at times. Most of the time I can hold a lot of the bluntness in check, other times it spews out like "suck it up princess, you did it, now you fix it"
Tonight I was somewhere in the middle.
According to some anonymous poster a while back... I am lacking in the "grace and class" departments.
Not news to me.
Not even news to anyone who really knows me.
I am me....if you dont like it...dont let the door hit ya where the good lord split ya.
Annnnyway, I was doing the tissue passing across skype and I typed something to her that I hadnt really thought about...the words just appeared on the screen before my brain had time to process what was coming off the fingertips.
I said..and I quote...
"and like her, I use picking a fight with the person I care about to make them see how important something is to me when I think they arent listening"
I sat there...staring at the screen, looking at those words for a LONG time.
I do that.
I use my anger to show people that I am hurt, that I think they havent listened to something that is important to me.
I use it to see if it will get a reaction.
I want to know they care enough to not let me run away.
yikes...now I am contemplating deleting that last line...even for me thats a bit out there in the admissions department
Fuck it....I havent censored anything on here yet, not about to start now.
The second thing I learnt about myself today was I am a passionate person.
Now....that in itself is not news to me, I am passionate about a lot of things, pretty much all of the time.
I am passionate about my kids and family.
I am passionate about my friends.
I love with all my heart in many different ways.
I dont have someone in my life that I am "in love with" but I do have a great many friends who I love with all my heart, and each and every one of them I love in different ways, for different things.
I can hear you asking how in the tell that any of that surprised me today...... well, I will tell you how.
The fact that I am passionate is one thing, and not a new thing, but its the reverse of this that I had never thought about before.
I am passionate when I love, but I am also passionate when I hate.
Now...just to qualify this...I really dont hate often or a lot...actually very rarely, but I do have a devious streak.
I like my revenge to be silent.
Like fucking Master on the kitchen table a week before my ex husband took it.
I like to be able to look at someone and smile, knowing that if they knew what was in my head, that they would more than likely take exception to whatever it is I know.
I am also passionate about other things, like.....when I get upset, I get UPSET.
But once I have rid myself of whatever is bothering me, whether that be by working it out, or by solving the issue, or sometimes it can even be as simple as getting it off my chest by blogging about it, writing in my VENT journal or kicking the fuck out of the punching bag...I am back to normal, back to the normal mostly happy person I am.
What does all this mean you ask???
Fucked if I know really...I am still working that out for myself, but now at least, I can be aware of them.....maybe that will mean I can control any outbursts that need to come out of me, in a better way than I have in the past...and maybe...JUST maybe, I will learn a way to communicate that I feel like I am not being listened to about the important stuff.
Thursday, June 16, 2011
I am something less than I was.....
As I sit here and watch the water creep slowly across the floor, I think of all the things you are to me, and all the things I see in you.
I see a wonderful imagination, the weaver of fantastic stories that take me to places I cannot imagine, that make me wish for things I cannot have.
Stories that make me wriggle on the chair, make my pussy drip in readiness, make my heart pound harder and my breath come faster.
I see a determined man, one who knows the things he has to do, to be who he wants to be.
I see the compassion inside you, the finder of ants in carparks, kittens in all sorts of places, and bats in the attic, a man who treasures life and all that lives in it.
I see a respectful man, one who has trouble saying no to the ones he cares about, who sometimes cares too much, but I cannot imagine you any other way.
I see a successful man, you may not see your past as successful, but I can't see behind you. I can only see the things you do today, the things you go without to achieve those things you want to achieve.
You see doubt, I see hesitation and caution. You think no one will want to read your stories, and I can't wait until the next one is written.
You tell me to get you off the pedestal.
I dont have you on one.
I have no doubt you have your faults, everyone does. No one is perfect, not me, not you, and not anyone I know.
But I will tell you what I do see......
I see a sexy man
I see a fantastic mind
I see someone I wished lived closer
I see someone I want to hug
I see a man I want in my bed
I see you
I see the you that you are now
I wish I could stand beside you as you look in a mirror, and I wish you could see YOU through my eyes.
I thank you for making me think differently
I thank you for seeing me in a different light than others do
I thank you for teaching me to feel sexy even in "just old jeans"
I thank you for encouraging me to write
I thank you for teaching me to fantasise
I thank you for letting me spread my wings
But most of all, I thank you for being a wonderful friend to me.
Monday, June 6, 2011
countdown....
I am on the countdown before Master leaves the country.
I have about 48 hours left, and most of that He will be busy getting things ready to be away from work and packing all those last minute things.
I have my list of rules and tasks.
I have my friend who shall be hereby known as MF, and NO thats not short for Mother Fucker...although I think I did call him a fucker the other night in the errrrrmmmm heat of the moment.
He is MY FRIEND and I couldnt think of anything more suitable than that.
But as wonderful as MF is....nothing is going to replace Master while he is uncontactable.
Its the daily D/s I am going to miss the most.
It worries me that I may slip in my submission and Master may come home to a cheeky sub who has to pull her head back in.
The coming weeks are going to be the true test of my submission. It is going to take everything inside me to hold onto it.
I will miss you MY Master.
I have about 48 hours left, and most of that He will be busy getting things ready to be away from work and packing all those last minute things.
I have my list of rules and tasks.
I have my friend who shall be hereby known as MF, and NO thats not short for Mother Fucker...although I think I did call him a fucker the other night in the errrrrmmmm heat of the moment.
He is MY FRIEND and I couldnt think of anything more suitable than that.
But as wonderful as MF is....nothing is going to replace Master while he is uncontactable.
Its the daily D/s I am going to miss the most.
It worries me that I may slip in my submission and Master may come home to a cheeky sub who has to pull her head back in.
The coming weeks are going to be the true test of my submission. It is going to take everything inside me to hold onto it.
I will miss you MY Master.
Saturday, June 4, 2011
cupcake saga.....
Just-Kinky turned 2 this weekend.
To celebrate, there is BIG birthday celebrations, including a photo competition.
I asked Master at dinner on Tuesday night if I could have permission to post a picture in the comp.
This resulted in...." Yes you may, BUT, you have to pose like this........and another one of you posed like this......."
Inside my head I went "How the fuck do you think I can take that without help??"
What came out of my mouth was "Yes Master"
sighs
So I baked the Chocolate Velvet Cupcake, with chocolate butter cream icing, and this morning I attempted to take a pic.
I was on skype voice chat with a wonderful friend, who sat there and listened to me swear and curse when i couldnt get the cupcake balanced on the small of my back, while naked on the couch on my hands and knees.
Then I got it there, candles lit, and moved to press the button on the camera and ended up toppling the cupcake, and getting a burn and candle wax on me, and icing on the couch.
Enter VERY bad language from my mouth.
My friend offered to take the pic for me using screenshot on skype...while I am banned from camming naked with anyone, I knew Master would rather have me cam with a woman and not get hurt, so off we went.
2 pics later, and my back is still stinging.
But the pics are done, and up in the gallery, and I had fun, hmmmm, the candle wax is still stinging my back, and I am wishing Master would ring and tell me He will be here in an hour to help me with this small issue I now have..............
To celebrate, there is BIG birthday celebrations, including a photo competition.
I asked Master at dinner on Tuesday night if I could have permission to post a picture in the comp.
This resulted in...." Yes you may, BUT, you have to pose like this........and another one of you posed like this......."
Inside my head I went "How the fuck do you think I can take that without help??"
What came out of my mouth was "Yes Master"
sighs
So I baked the Chocolate Velvet Cupcake, with chocolate butter cream icing, and this morning I attempted to take a pic.
I was on skype voice chat with a wonderful friend, who sat there and listened to me swear and curse when i couldnt get the cupcake balanced on the small of my back, while naked on the couch on my hands and knees.
Then I got it there, candles lit, and moved to press the button on the camera and ended up toppling the cupcake, and getting a burn and candle wax on me, and icing on the couch.
Enter VERY bad language from my mouth.
My friend offered to take the pic for me using screenshot on skype...while I am banned from camming naked with anyone, I knew Master would rather have me cam with a woman and not get hurt, so off we went.
2 pics later, and my back is still stinging.
But the pics are done, and up in the gallery, and I had fun, hmmmm, the candle wax is still stinging my back, and I am wishing Master would ring and tell me He will be here in an hour to help me with this small issue I now have..............
Friday, June 3, 2011
a playmate for kitty....
Early last week, or late the week before, Master gave me a permission to play online.
I met someone very special on the Just-Kinky site, someone I wanted to get to know a little better, but I knew that I would need to ask permission, something I was nervous about doing because it meant explaining why I wanted to do this.
I had never met anyone I wanted to ask permission to play with before...this guy was different.
And he frustrated me and made me smile all at the same time. He wouldnt flirt with me, He was ULTRA polite and kept reminding me I was owned. Like I could forget, but I am a flirt at heart, Master knows this, and I havent been asked not to, I feel like that would be like asking me to stop breathing for an hour or so.
He asked permission to Personal Message me in chat, and asked what it was I wanted from him. I am not sure what I said, but I know he was fun, he made me smile and turned me on all at the same time.
By the time we had finished chatting, I had added him to yahoo, and we had discussed the fact that no more flirting til I had asked permission and he told me he wanted to speak to Master himself.
I worked up the courage over night and asked Master the next morning, told Him who, where, why and all the gory details.
I am sure Master had a laugh at me complaining that this guy wouldnt even flirt with me, while I was ecstatic that someone understood HE came first and being kinky and not a newb in the BDSM scene, finding someone who RESPECTED that, I was like oh WOW.
Master chatted with him, I wasnt privvy to the convo, but we got permission to play.
We have rules, I cant get naked on cam, things like that but I expected that, and if I am totally honest, I expected WAY more rules than I got.
Master and I are LDR (insert less than impressed look on my face at the distance) so there leaves a lot of time we have no contact. Its these times I find myself in JK chat, flirting my arse off. Having some fun, I have made wonderful new kinky friends all over the world.
But this one is special, he understands me, my life, my situation.
I am very proud I can call him my friend.
and since I hate calling a friend "him" I shall have to find out what it is I can call him.
Sunday, May 1, 2011
cos I am kinky.....
a little while ago now, a friend of mine recommended a website to me.
The site is called Just Kinky
I wandered straight into chat over there, thats why I went after all, to have some real time chat with fellow kinksters, who understand the nature of all of the things I do, want to do, and only dream of doing.
Being an Aussie, there are not a lot of other aussies on there as far as I can tell, but I haven't done any real hunting for any either, but it does leave time for me to explore other things....members blogs, erotic writings, there are forums, places you can ask ANY question you have ever come across, interactive chat games, Like a sex quiz and Truth and Dare adults only style.......I am REALLY enjoying this site.
Anyone who has read my blog for a little while will know I am pretty much addicted to Fetlife, but I tell you, this is just as addictive in a WHOLE new way.
From the minute I joined and jumped into chat..I was welcomed in a way only fellow kinksters know how to do....both arms open and a kiss and a bit of flirting ready to go on a minutes notice.
If you are a kinky person at heart and haven't yet joined this site...DO SO, I love it, and well worth a read of the fantastic authors erotica if that's your thing....or just have an explore...but if you do join, pop into chat...say Hi, you might be pleasantly surprised.
The site is called Just Kinky
I wandered straight into chat over there, thats why I went after all, to have some real time chat with fellow kinksters, who understand the nature of all of the things I do, want to do, and only dream of doing.
Being an Aussie, there are not a lot of other aussies on there as far as I can tell, but I haven't done any real hunting for any either, but it does leave time for me to explore other things....members blogs, erotic writings, there are forums, places you can ask ANY question you have ever come across, interactive chat games, Like a sex quiz and Truth and Dare adults only style.......I am REALLY enjoying this site.
Anyone who has read my blog for a little while will know I am pretty much addicted to Fetlife, but I tell you, this is just as addictive in a WHOLE new way.
From the minute I joined and jumped into chat..I was welcomed in a way only fellow kinksters know how to do....both arms open and a kiss and a bit of flirting ready to go on a minutes notice.
If you are a kinky person at heart and haven't yet joined this site...DO SO, I love it, and well worth a read of the fantastic authors erotica if that's your thing....or just have an explore...but if you do join, pop into chat...say Hi, you might be pleasantly surprised.
Saturday, April 9, 2011
tits out for _sub_girl......
Anyone who has followed my blog for a little while will know about my friendship with the wonderful _sub_girl.
I think from memory, I came across a post of hers on Fetlife (now there is a surprise...NOT), which then led me to her profile and a link to her blog.
One of her posts resonated with me, again, something she said that I just couldnt put into words.
I dashed off a quick message and asked permission to use it in my blog......and now here we are.
We dont talk every day, nor even every week, it can be hard when we are on opposite sides of the world, but we keep in touch through the blogs, posting messages here and there.
Sooo, any way, back to the subject at hand, this morning she posted a comment on my blog, about my collar (still smiling and shaking over that) then we jumped on YIM.
Anyone who has read any of sg's blog will know she is a big fan of anal sex....God love her. So I knew she would be the right person for me to go to with a few questions I have had rolling in the head of mine.
Have I tried anal?? Yes
Did I like it?? It was ok
Did it hurt?? Not with Master, he was gentle with me knowing it was as good as my first time.
Do I want to like it?? Yeah, I think I might, but I have a long way to go first.
This is where more learning comes in.... I have read every blog, sticky, website and anything else I can get my hands on, so I know how best for me to prepare myself.
Master has helped, and I know He will be patient and understanding of both my fears and my medical condition that MAY limit anal for us. (May because we wont really know until we try more than once)
Me?? I ask my friends....who better to trust than someone you KNOW knows what they are talking about, and someone you trust to not wrap it up in cotton wool, someone who just can tell it like it is.
So, back to it, onto YIM we go, and I mentioned making a coffee. OMG sg says, I have wine!!
We have been discussing the wine/coffee date between us for months now, and its just never happpened.
Next thing we are on skype...VIDEO call none the less, and here is me, still in pj's, morning coffee, and I am not entirely sure I had even brushed my hair!!
It was sooooooo nice to be able to chat face to face so to speak, I now know what the bit above the shoulders looks like to go with the hot body she has. (She is hot from top to bottom )
We did the whole, here's what I do to get ready, and if this happens, or this happens, blah blah blah.
Then I showed her my collar, we oohed and ahhed together, and got onto other kinky subjects, was soooo nice to be able to talk about it all, rather than type, I am wishing Sarah, sg and I all lived a helluva lot closer to each other than we do, although I think there is not a town/city or even a country in the world that would be ready for the three of us together.
I mentioned to her that I had had my nipples pierced a little while ago for Master, next thing, I have my tits out on skype!
I think from memory, I came across a post of hers on Fetlife (now there is a surprise...NOT), which then led me to her profile and a link to her blog.
One of her posts resonated with me, again, something she said that I just couldnt put into words.
I dashed off a quick message and asked permission to use it in my blog......and now here we are.
We dont talk every day, nor even every week, it can be hard when we are on opposite sides of the world, but we keep in touch through the blogs, posting messages here and there.
Sooo, any way, back to the subject at hand, this morning she posted a comment on my blog, about my collar (still smiling and shaking over that) then we jumped on YIM.
Anyone who has read any of sg's blog will know she is a big fan of anal sex....God love her. So I knew she would be the right person for me to go to with a few questions I have had rolling in the head of mine.
Have I tried anal?? Yes
Did I like it?? It was ok
Did it hurt?? Not with Master, he was gentle with me knowing it was as good as my first time.
Do I want to like it?? Yeah, I think I might, but I have a long way to go first.
This is where more learning comes in.... I have read every blog, sticky, website and anything else I can get my hands on, so I know how best for me to prepare myself.
Master has helped, and I know He will be patient and understanding of both my fears and my medical condition that MAY limit anal for us. (May because we wont really know until we try more than once)
Me?? I ask my friends....who better to trust than someone you KNOW knows what they are talking about, and someone you trust to not wrap it up in cotton wool, someone who just can tell it like it is.
So, back to it, onto YIM we go, and I mentioned making a coffee. OMG sg says, I have wine!!
We have been discussing the wine/coffee date between us for months now, and its just never happpened.
Next thing we are on skype...VIDEO call none the less, and here is me, still in pj's, morning coffee, and I am not entirely sure I had even brushed my hair!!
It was sooooooo nice to be able to chat face to face so to speak, I now know what the bit above the shoulders looks like to go with the hot body she has. (She is hot from top to bottom )
We did the whole, here's what I do to get ready, and if this happens, or this happens, blah blah blah.
Then I showed her my collar, we oohed and ahhed together, and got onto other kinky subjects, was soooo nice to be able to talk about it all, rather than type, I am wishing Sarah, sg and I all lived a helluva lot closer to each other than we do, although I think there is not a town/city or even a country in the world that would be ready for the three of us together.
I mentioned to her that I had had my nipples pierced a little while ago for Master, next thing, I have my tits out on skype!
God love friends who you can meet for the first time
that you are comfy enough flashing your tits at!
Anyway, she answered all the questions I had about how to get ready, and now I have some practising to do over the weekend, as requested by My Master.
There is one hint for me as to what is gonna happen this week...
It is going to be a STELLAR week this week, play with Master, get my collar out of the box with the ribbon, show Him this outfit I have had planned for a while, the list goes ON and ON.........
I hope every one reading this also has a great week...
much love,
kitty
Sunday, March 13, 2011
not strangers at all......
having the invite to get away for the weekend, delighted me
I felt like I could get away from it all, no dickwad, no kids, no BDSM, no nothing, just good company and some relaxation.
its nearly over.......I am about to head for home
it HAS been a relaxing weekend, dinner and good company, no pressures, a sleep in, and to top it off, just got an email from a friend and we are going to attempt to catch up on my way back home.
I will stop in the city and see if we cant have coffee.
I love new friends.......I have made a few new friends along this journey, mostly other subs, but I see that as a good thing, its these people who can relate to all the things I am going through, all the things ahead of me, and how hard the journey has been so far.
there is no such thing as a stranger.....just a friend I havent met yet.
so to all my new friends...and the poor friends I had before who I dragged along my journey....
thank you...from the bottom of my heart....where would we be without friends xooxoxo
I felt like I could get away from it all, no dickwad, no kids, no BDSM, no nothing, just good company and some relaxation.
its nearly over.......I am about to head for home
it HAS been a relaxing weekend, dinner and good company, no pressures, a sleep in, and to top it off, just got an email from a friend and we are going to attempt to catch up on my way back home.
I will stop in the city and see if we cant have coffee.
I love new friends.......I have made a few new friends along this journey, mostly other subs, but I see that as a good thing, its these people who can relate to all the things I am going through, all the things ahead of me, and how hard the journey has been so far.
there is no such thing as a stranger.....just a friend I havent met yet.
so to all my new friends...and the poor friends I had before who I dragged along my journey....
thank you...from the bottom of my heart....where would we be without friends xooxoxo
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)