Breathe.....

MF and I have spoken most days since Master has been gone, but neither of us has had any real time to give for some "time" wink wink

I am also hesitant to sometimes tell him how down I am feeling, because he has enough things going on in his life without me adding to them.

I KNOW I will now get yelled at for NOT telling him, but its not MF I should be talking to about these things....its Master, and I cant do that at the moment, so I have been keeping them inside.

If you read my last post, you now know what happens when I keep all the shit bottled up...eventually the damn bottle explodes and out comes the crap.

I got home this morning and found MF typing me a message as I sat at  the computer.

"dont skirt the rougher areas of town looking for your drug of choice *hugs*,  I need to give you my schedule so we can put aside some time to talk.  They have me working different hours now ( I think) its all sorts of screwed up.  But I have the patience if you do"

MF then proceeded to give me the link to the song below and tell me to BREATHE.

Mind you...I also got told to "maintain a positive outlook"

" I wont have my sexy plaything in a foul state of mind"

Sounds a little commanding doesnt he?? But I know its just to snap me out of the mood I am in. The best thing about "playing" with MF is I get to explore a side of me I didnt know existed.

And since he is telling me RIGHT NOW, all the things he wishes he could do to me....I have kinda lost the train of thought I had going.

I know one thing....everytime I struggle now, I will listen to that song, and BREATHE.

and of course....SMILE as I know Master would tell me.

What ever would I do without these two wonderful men in my life???

I hope I dont have to find out any time soon.

Breathe - Anna Nalick

2 AM and she calls me 'cause I'm still awake,

"Can you help me unravel my latest mistake?,

I don't love him. Winter just wasn't my season"

Yeah we walk through the doors, so accusing their eyes

Like they have any right at all to criticize,

Hypocrites. You're all here for the very same reason

'Cause you can't jump the track, we're like cars on a cable

And life's like an hourglass, glued to the table

No one can find the rewind button, girl.

So cradle your head in your hands

And breathe... just breathe,

Oh breathe, just breathe

May he turned 21 on the base at Fort Bliss

"Just a day" he said down to the flask in his fist,

"Ain't been sober, since maybe October of last year."

Here in town you can tell he's been down for a while,

But, my God, it's so beautiful when the boy smiles,

Wanna hold him. Maybe I'll just sing about it.

Cause you can't jump the track, we're like cars on a cable,

And life's like an hourglass, glued to the table.

No one can find the rewind button, boys,

So cradle your head in your hands,

And breathe... just breathe,

Oh breathe, just breathe

There's a light at each end of this tunnel,

You shout 'cause you're just as far in as you'll ever be out

And these mistakes you've made, you'll just make them again

If you'd only try turning around.

2 AM and I'm still awake, writing a song

If I get it all down on paper, it's no longer inside of me,

Threatening the life it belongs to

And I feel like I'm naked in front of the crowd

Cause these words are my diary, screaming out loud

And I know that you'll use them, however you want to

But you can't jump the track, we're like cars on a cable,

And life's like an hourglass, glued to the table

No one can find the rewind button now

Sing it if you understand.

and breathe, just breathe

woah breathe, just breathe,

Oh breathe, just breathe,

Oh breathe, just breathe. 

its odd...

I was at a family function today and someone asked me the date....I responded the 12th without thinking anything of it.

A little after that, with all the kids outside, and me sitting in a chair in the corner quietly, it came to me that today is exactly 6 months to the day since I became His.

6 months ago today I called Him Master for the first time.

ok...so I can hear you all thinking "no big deal" and I guess to some its not a big deal.

Might have been something that slipped by me on any other normal day, but today I am not well, and I was missing Him, thinking about MF, just generally feeling sorry for myself sitting in that corner.

6 months is a big deal to me....I feel like the last 6 months I have learnt a FUCKING SHITLOAD, which in case you didnt know is a standardised unit of measurement here in Australia. Master and I have had some weird and wonderful conversations, I have spazzed out on Him more than once, I have learnt to appreciate pain for the wonderful thing it is, I have pierced bits I didnt have 6 months ago, Master has taught me a lot, and for that I will be eternally grateful.

The last month has been the most learning I have done, besides the first one........... nothing will ever be the same as the feeling of that first session, holding on for dear life to the edge of that kitchen table so when He spanked me, I didn't turn around and whack Him back. Feeling Him bite me for the first time, being blindfolded, being bound, having to kneel on the floor before MY Master for the very first time. But for as much as I have learnt in that month, I have learnt just as much in this last month.

Playing with MF has shown me a helluva lot about myself, about what I want, how to cope, when to deal with things.....so much, and MF probably doesnt even know he has done all these things for me, its just the way he is.

Even though my relationship with both of these men is so very different to the other, they are a lot alike in some ways. I am a very lucky girl to have both of these wonderful men in my life, MY Master to give me the D/s I crave so much, and MF who gives me kink and friendship all rolled into one.

and ok...so maybe this post rambled on a bit...but I am going to blame it on the pain killers....I know I have said I like pain...but I prefer the kind thats inflicted upon me with care, not the feeling of wanting to crawl up in a corner and die.

Thank you Master...for a wonderful 6 months :)

countdown....

I am on the countdown before Master leaves the country.

I have about 48 hours left, and most of that He will be busy getting things ready to be away from work and packing all those last minute things.

I have my list of rules and tasks.

I have my friend who shall be hereby known as MF, and NO thats not short for Mother Fucker...although I think I did call him a fucker the other night in the errrrrmmmm heat of the moment.

He is MY FRIEND and I couldnt think of anything more suitable than that.

But as wonderful as MF is....nothing is going to replace Master while he is uncontactable.

Its the daily D/s I am going to miss the most.

It worries me that I may slip in my submission and Master may come home to a cheeky sub who has to pull her head back in.

The coming weeks are going to be the true test of my submission. It is going to take everything inside me to hold onto it.

I will miss you MY Master.