I jumped...

I was standing on the edge the other day...this time I am falling.

I jumped, I was not pushed, I did it voluntarily.

Back story......

I decided I was kinky, explored online a little, met a man who became my Master, we travelled our journey, all the good and the bad and the ugly.

I ended our journey by asking to be released...that ultimate falling experience scared the life out of me, I was so scared of giving that last little piece of me over, that I backed away...only to find out I had already given the last bit over and asking to be released didnt make one shred of difference.

We have had a very bumpy journey since, a trip away together, which I though was the start of something new and fresh, where I fell so far into sub-space that I truly was HIS in that moment...only to come home to find things had changed and although it was not intended that way...our trip was the end of our journey together in that kind of relationship.

I have struggled since....not knowing where we were headed, never getting a straight, blunt and honest answer.

I pushed for those answers this week...which ended in me saying I needed some time away from him.

I had to try and control those jealous feelings, the knowing I loved but was not loved in return feelings, the everything.

I said goodbye.

He said goodbye for now.

Today...I struggled with tear blurred vision to check my emails.
I could see he was online, but couldnt remove him from my vanilla email account...I blocked and deleted only to find I could still see him there.

I asked him to remove that account of mine.

Yes, I was wrong in not saying hello, not using my manners, but I was literally sobbing, all I wanted to do was wish my niece a Happy Birthday and couldnt show myself online without him seeing me.
So I asked to be removed.

He cracked it, got angry with me...told me he would remove every account of mine from his chat and said goodbye wished me a Merry Christmas and that was it.
I asked him to please stop, explained why I had asked, told him I did not want to be removed from his life, just that one account.

He deleted me and went offline.

Now I sit here, sobbing again...wondering how a simple request went so wrong, wondering why the fuck this hurts so much, hoping tomorrow will be the day I can wake up and not have him as my first thought.
Hoping tonight I can go to bed and not think of him.

I want so badly to get to a point where we can have a friendship, to enjoy chatting without leaving either of us feeling like shit.

But I have to say...this has ruined my Christmas.

Knowing the one I love has just wiped me from his life.

to Him....

Thank you for our journey.
This has been the most amazing time for me, and no matter what you think, I DO love you, and our relationship has NEVER left me unhappy until now.
Yes, there is always ups and downs, but fighting through things makes everything stronger in the end.
I am sorry I have felt like a noose around your neck.
I am sorry I did things that made you unhappy.
I hope you have a wonderful Christmas with your children, and that the joy on their faces bring you the happiness you so deserve.

THIS close.......

I now know what "standing on the edge" feels like

frustrations....

I am frustrated.

About a lot of things.

Some days I cope just fine, others...they get the better of me, and other than the punching bag, here is the only place I can let it all out.

I am frustrated by my ex's complete and utter inability to communicate with me...even via text.

I am frustrated with people who wont give me answer to the damn questions I ask.

I am frustrated that men have an inability to tell me what they really think... HONESTLY.

Dont beat around the bush...give it to me straight!!!

Add a couple of feelings in there while you're going, I will understand it better then!!!.

Dont just say no...tell me why so I understand!!.


For fucks sake...

PLEASE STOP FRUSTRATING ME MORE

In all seriousness....

OK.

In all seriousness, I need to know something.

Am I disrespecting what Master and I had by continuing to post here, where if always felt like this was "our" place, "our" journey together, "our" troubles and "our" fun???

And does anyone really want to hear the crapola that comes out of my mouth, bearing in mind that I am not in a D/s relationship and have no intentions of entering one with someone new.

Actually, for that matter I cant even get vanilla sex, so I have no idea what it is I would actually blog about.

I want the truth...and lots of it please.

The comments I get will determine whether or not I resume posting here, or I start a new one.

I will blog again...its where that's the issue for me.

Missing things

I am really missing my blog :(

I have contemplated posting again, maybe here, maybe a new one.

All I know is, I have struggled without it.