You are a "Fucking Arsehole Sir"

About 10 days post op, I had the weekend with Sir.

We played a little, and considering the fact that I am not supposed to being having any kind of penetration, the play was very limited.
That and the fact that I had major abdominal surgery....it is all relevant, but to my eternal frustration, I was and still am feeling almost back to normal besides having little strength and tiring more easily.

The worst of feeling ok and not sick is that I forget that I am not supposed to do a lot of things.
I would have fucked the living daylights out of Sir, but He never forgets I am unwell and limits things.

On the Saturday we were laying on the bed, and to be honest, I am not sure how it started, but what seemed like eons later and having had Sir's fingers playing on my clit and on the verge of my pussy, teasing me, the frustration inside me built to a point that my mouth shot a load and I called Sir a "Fucking Arsehole"

Yup, not one of my brighter comments.

Out came the crop

And after one strike for every letter in "Fucking arsehole" my arse looked like this...

The both of us laughed.
This was not what I would have called punishment, more like a lesson learnt about getting my mouth in check while there is a crop handy.


The following weekend I travelled to see Sir again, this time with 2 kids in tow.
For those that know me in RL, they will know this is a huge deal for me, in the past I kept my kids well away from anything to do with my kink life.
This is not just about kink, this is us having a relationship, being in love and being a family.
Sir also had His kids for the weekend.

Sir + Me + Kids = 7

Just us and 5 kids.

I was not expecting a kink filled weekend.
Probably not expecting ANY kink if I am truly honest.

Friday night began with Beer and a Blow Job.
Saturday was kid day, followed by Sir taking one of the older kids out for the night and me having some fun with the younger ones at home.
More Cock worship for Sir when He came to bed.
Sunday Morning was hectic, kids were all up by 8, neither of us had enough sleep, kids decided that quiet was for children that lived elsewhere and acted accordingly, phones beeped and chirped with plans for the day and before long the frustration at knowing I had to pack up, leave, drive home and leave Sir got the better of me.
I got to a point where I felt like this

I am pretty sure that Sir noticed the mood and we were laying on the bed together, He began teasing me, only because of the frustrations my reaction to the teasing was not the normal one, I was in an odd mood, and not feeling particularly submissive.
I leaned over and said quietly "you are a Fucking Arsehole Sir"
I knew the minute I said it, that I would pay for it, but with 5 kids in the next room, what I didnt expect was Sir to bounce off the bed, and pick up a Cricket Bat, albeit a small, miniature size one and use it on my butt.

By the third whack all I wanted to do was scream Red, but in my head I knew I never would.
I was in no danger of being HURT, only being left in pain.
I would probably raise the attention of any or all of the 5 kids, which would create questions I have no desire  to answer any time soon
AND I deserved it.
I was disrespectful and if nothing else, that left me disappointed in myself.

After the 4th whack, the handle on the bat broke.
I was then pulled off the bed, walked into the adjoining bathroom and leant over the bath to take the remaining whacks with the crop.
By the time Sir had finished I was in tears.
Knowing I had disrespected Him.
Feeling like I had disappointed myself.
Angry with myself that I couldn't communicate my frustrations in a better way than by saying something so blatantly stupid.
All those and more.

I have been punished before, never in person, only online and I KNOW that I could have just refused to do what I was told to do as punishment, more than likely my ex Master would never have known whether I did it or not, but I always did it.
This time I wasn't doing something to myself, I had someone right there to inflict the punishment in person, on the spot and instantly.

When Sir stopped swinging the crop, He turned me around to face Him.
I do not know whether He had something in mind to say and didn't because He saw tears, or whether He just wanted to see my face, but we then had a hug and a discussion on the why.

We have backed that up with another discussion on the why today.
I said the wrong thing.
I was not respectful
I disappointed myself even if I didn't disappoint Him
I took my punishment
I am not in a hurry to repeat it
BUT
I learnt something from this...

Sir's love for me will not prevent Him from dishing out deserved punishment.
That I need to learn another way to communicate to Sir that I need to feel His control
That I love Him more today than I did before.

And that holding my feet on the walk-in-robe sliding door prevents kids from opening it while I am providing Sir with one last blow job before I go home.

Thank you Sir

I sit here, reclined in a chair, relaxed but sore.

I have had my operation.

I am now without a Uterus and some other non essential bits.

I 'removed the nursery and kept the playground' so to speak.

And the whole time, Sir was there beside me.

This is a very vanilla post, and for that, my apologies, but it is what it is.

I have very little kink in my life at the moment.
I am covered in sticking plasters of varying kinds.
Some protecting stitches, others providing the nicotine rather than the cigarettes I am hoping to give the flick.

All the while... I know I have His love, and support.

Each day the pain will ease a little more, until I can walk properly, get back to being able to look after myself, until then, I sit in the chair, quietly going out of my mind with boredom, but always knowing that it will end soon enough, that if I am patient, that it will end quicker than if I am impatient and hurt myself more.

This post is my public thank you to Sir.

Thank you for being there for me.
Thank you for holding my hand, before and after the surgery.
Thank you for looking after me like I have never had before.
Thank you for my gorgeous red roses I woke up to.
Thank you for being my friend.
Thank you for being my lover.
Thank you for being my Sir.

I love you Sir.

Curiosity caned the kitty...

I went!!!

Oh boy, I was so nervous I could have thrown up at ANY point while driving down there.
Thank goodness I had 3 other people in the car, or I am sure I would have stopped, turned around and come home without going.

I wore a little black dress, short, and 5 inch heels.

I almost, at times felt overdressed. The ladies there wore lovely dresses, fantastic boots, and my eye was drawn to a virtual array of wonderful corset tops, which I was instantly jealous of.

I met some wonderful people, all very welcoming and nice..and never did I feel like I was the odd one out, or that my look screamed "newb".

Lots of different play was available to try, I saw rope bondage, gorgeous knots, suspension, a St Andrews cross or two, spankings, men dressed as women, women dressed as men, it was very much an each to their own night and it was wonderful to see it all. I had a blast looking, watching, and taking it all in.

For as much as I had fun, I also walked around a lot thinking of Him. Wondering if He knew I was there, wondering what He would have thought about me going, whether I may have had some rules, temporarily so I didn't do something I shouldn't.

I think I behaved, I did play, ok...shoot me, I was curious... I watched 2 ladies line up and get a caning, only gently, one was a younger girl and it was her first time. The Top was very gentle with her, and at one point I had to bite my lip with her as her face grimaced and eyes widened as the cane landed on her almost bare arse.

I was then gently nudged talked into getting a caning of my own. Yes, I could have said no, but curiosity got the better of me, and that's one of the things He had never done to me.

I bent over, hands braced on the arm of a low line couch, felt my dress be lifted from behind, baring my arse for all to see, I dropped my head, my hair falling forwards hiding the face I was sure was bright red by now.
The "Caner" bent over me, talked to me, told me what he would do, and how, then stepped back and "did his thing" always checking I was ok, smiling when I looked at him over my shoulder calling him a bastard.

Fast foward what was probably about 5-10 minutes and my arse was STINGING.
I put my hand back there and could feel welts, the red hot burning set in, as painful as it is pleasurable.
Standing up, pulling my dress back down, He hugged me, told me I did great, patted my sore butt and stood there with a smile.

Caned Sunday night, and this is the end result on Tuesday.

Since then I have had plenty of time to think about things, whether or not I liked it, whether or not I want to try it again, whether or not I should have done it, and how I feel about the fact that I now have marks, given to me by someone other than Him, had a first experience with someone other than Him.
If I am truthful, and it is in no way meant to be disrespectful to the "caner", I was emotional over it. Having a first experience wasn't as bad as the fact that someone else marked me.
It was odd to have the pain and the marks without any intimacy afterwards, no holding, kissing, touching, definitely not what I have had in the past, and that felt odd, and slightly confusing.

If nothing else happened that night, I gained some wonderful new friends, I got my first caning, and the requisite marks that follow, and I now have to think about what it is comes next.

little bit nervous..

I am a little bit nervous.

Master and I have a session planned for this week.

Its been nearly 6 weeks since we played last.

That night didnt leave me feeling so great, but I learned a valuable lesson...one I wont forget in a hurry.

I have a feeling this will be different this time....more intense than before.

He says I have grown significantly, that He needs to keep in mind I need greater Domination.

That I need a "harder session"

The idea of a harder session doesnt worry me.... I trust Him to physically take me, use me and know when I have neared the edge of my limit. I am almost looking forward to Him testing me, seeing how far I can go.

As always I have sat and imagined what this week might bring, how the session may go, what He may do to me. My mind keeps returning to the session where He introduced me to candle play, left me with marks, the session where He placed the collar around my neck for the first time.
That session was different to all others we have had in a specific way that means a lot, but yet, I cannot work out what was different, what made it different. Was it me? My head space? Or Him? Did He do something different that I missed?

In that session He bit me...several times.

Most people who know me will know that being bitten is one of my favourite kinks...almost to the point of calling it a major fetish, as in, it is just not the same without it...that no matter what else happens, that if I dont get bitten I dont enjoy the whole scene as much.

That session, He bit me hard....to the point "I nearly tasted chicken" He told me....and yet. NO PAIN.
None, Nada, Zip, Zilch.
Other times I have been bitten, some it has hurt, once made me squeal, others not so much, but never has it NOT hurt like that day.
That day I also felt like He didnt spank me as hard as He normally does....or was it me?? Not feeling any pain rather than Him not spanking as hard??
The two single things I have come up with about that session is

a.) HE placed my play collar around my neck himself

and

b.) That was one of the only sessions where I wasnt blindfolded at some point.

I wouldnt have thought either reason would make that much of a difference to my pain levels...but what would I know.

Since I have a fair idea this week will be a little harder than I have had before...I have a little more time to get in the head space...not over think, just relax about it.

But not having seen each other for that long still makes me nervous.

I cant shake the feeling something has changed. Granted, I learnt a lot while He was away, but the feeling is still there...and I am not sure I can put my finger on why I feel like I do.

The inner slut has yet to re-appear, and I cant get the inner bitch to get back in her box.

I guess I will have to wait and see now... I am looking forward to seeing Him, but at the same time..it makes me a little nervous.

its odd...

I was at a family function today and someone asked me the date....I responded the 12th without thinking anything of it.

A little after that, with all the kids outside, and me sitting in a chair in the corner quietly, it came to me that today is exactly 6 months to the day since I became His.

6 months ago today I called Him Master for the first time.

ok...so I can hear you all thinking "no big deal" and I guess to some its not a big deal.

Might have been something that slipped by me on any other normal day, but today I am not well, and I was missing Him, thinking about MF, just generally feeling sorry for myself sitting in that corner.

6 months is a big deal to me....I feel like the last 6 months I have learnt a FUCKING SHITLOAD, which in case you didnt know is a standardised unit of measurement here in Australia. Master and I have had some weird and wonderful conversations, I have spazzed out on Him more than once, I have learnt to appreciate pain for the wonderful thing it is, I have pierced bits I didnt have 6 months ago, Master has taught me a lot, and for that I will be eternally grateful.

The last month has been the most learning I have done, besides the first one........... nothing will ever be the same as the feeling of that first session, holding on for dear life to the edge of that kitchen table so when He spanked me, I didn't turn around and whack Him back. Feeling Him bite me for the first time, being blindfolded, being bound, having to kneel on the floor before MY Master for the very first time. But for as much as I have learnt in that month, I have learnt just as much in this last month.

Playing with MF has shown me a helluva lot about myself, about what I want, how to cope, when to deal with things.....so much, and MF probably doesnt even know he has done all these things for me, its just the way he is.

Even though my relationship with both of these men is so very different to the other, they are a lot alike in some ways. I am a very lucky girl to have both of these wonderful men in my life, MY Master to give me the D/s I crave so much, and MF who gives me kink and friendship all rolled into one.

and ok...so maybe this post rambled on a bit...but I am going to blame it on the pain killers....I know I have said I like pain...but I prefer the kind thats inflicted upon me with care, not the feeling of wanting to crawl up in a corner and die.

Thank you Master...for a wonderful 6 months :)

cupcake saga.....

Just-Kinky turned 2 this weekend.

To celebrate, there is BIG birthday celebrations, including a photo competition.

I asked Master at dinner on Tuesday night if I could have permission to post a picture in the comp.

This resulted in...." Yes you may, BUT, you have to pose like this........and another one of you posed like this......."

Inside my head I went "How the fuck do you think I can take that without help??"

What came out of my mouth was "Yes Master"
sighs

So I baked the Chocolate Velvet Cupcake, with chocolate butter cream icing, and this morning I attempted to take a pic.

I was on skype voice chat with a wonderful friend, who sat there and listened to me swear and curse when i couldnt get the cupcake balanced on the small of my back, while naked on the couch on my hands and knees.

Then I got it there, candles lit, and moved to press the button on the camera and ended up toppling the cupcake, and getting a burn and candle wax on me, and icing on the couch.

Enter VERY bad language from my mouth.

My friend offered to take the pic for me using screenshot on skype...while I am banned from camming naked with anyone, I knew Master would rather have me cam with a woman and not get hurt, so off we went.

2 pics later, and my back is still stinging.

But the pics are done, and up in the gallery, and I had fun, hmmmm, the candle wax is still stinging my back, and I am wishing Master would ring and tell me He will be here in an hour to help me with this small issue I now have..............

chains and tears.....

There I hung, blindfolded and chained, being flogged.

I dont remember when the tears started, either during or after.

Silent tears, just leaking out from under the blindfold.

I had no idea why.

I remember feeling Master move towards walking around to the front of me, I hung my head down, hoping He wouldnt notice the tears, but I had no way of wiping them.

He wiped my nose, much like you would for a child.....made me feel cared for, but guilty at the same time. It also made the tears come faster.

They are appearing again now as I think about it.

I had no idea why the tears were there. But I couldnt stop them either.

He asked me if I was ok.......and I lied.

I knew if I said I wasnt, that I would be let down from those chains, blindfold removed, it wasnt what I wanted.
I think I wanted more.

So I said I was fine.

I wasnt.

Master made sure I knew what my safeword was, repeated to me if I needed to use it...dont be scared, just say it.

That made the tears come again.

I learnt something.......next time I will tell the truth, that I am not ok.
It is my job to tell the truth.
I cant tell Him what I dont know, but I can tell Him what I DO know.
I didnt know what was wrong, but I DID know I wasnt ok.

I still dont know why I cried.
I may never know.
I do know I will tell the truth next time.

coming down is hard...

Tears

When every little thing seems like the biggest deal

Lonely

Hurt

Ache

Sitting with the tissues

Finding a space

Wanting to yell

Wanting something, but not quite sure what

Adam Lambert "Whataya want from me"


Hey, slow it down whataya want from me 
Whataya want from me 
Yeah I'm afraid whataya want from me 
Whataya want from me 

There might have been a time 
When I would give myself away 
Oooh once upon a time I didn't give a damn 
But now, here we are so whataya want from me 
Whataya want from me 

Just don't give up I'm workin it out 
Please don't give in, I won't let you down 
It messed me up, need a second to breathe 
Just keep coming around 
Hey, whataya want from me 
Whataya want from me 
Whataya want from me 

Yeah, it's plain to see (plain to see) 
that baby you're beautiful 
And there's nothing wrong with you 
(nothing wrong with you) 
It's me, I'm a freak (yeah) 
but thanks for lovin' me 
Cause you're doing it perfectly 
(it perfectly) 

There might have been a time 
When I would let you slip away 
I wouldn't even try 
But I think you could save my life 


Just don't give up I'm workin' it out 
Please don't give in, I won't let you down 
It messed me up, need a second to breathe 
Just keep comin around 
Hey, whataya want from me (Whataya want from me) 
Whataya want from me (Whataya want from me) 

Just don't give up on me 
(uuuuuuh) I won't let you down 
No, I won't let you down 

(So hey) just don't give up 
I'm workin it out 
Please don't give in, 
I won't let you down 
It messed me up (It messed me up) 
Need a second to breathe 
Just keep coming around 
Hey, whataya want from me 

Just don't give up I'm workin' it out 
Please don't give in, i won't let you down 
It messed me up, need a second to breathe 
Just keep coming around 
Hey, whataya want from me (whataya want from me) 
whataya want from me (whataya want from me) 
whataya want from me

I HATE sub drop.

Why does a few stolen hours in our busy lifestyles leave me feeling so crap after?? And yet all the while I feel like shit........ I am wanting more, More of what made me feel like shit to begin with.

A complete contradiction in terms, which in itself is the hardest thing to deal with.

He is like a drug. And I am addicted.

I want

Then I get

Then I go down

Then I want more

A series of Highs and Lows...both of which release such different emotions.

ARGGGGGHHHHHHH I HATE sub drop.

the playground....

I have been on the Merry Go Round, I have played Snakes and Ladders, in a post on Fetlife I started the edges of a never ending jigsaw puzzle, this time I am on the See-Saw.

Now besides the fact that the above image has created all sorts of kinky ideas in my head....my thinking is this.....

When I first began my journey with Master...I told Him I wanted the pleasure more than I wanted the pain.

I have since seen other Doms say they are pleasure giving Doms rather than Sadists.

I am not saying Master is or isn't a Sadist, nor am I saying I am Masochistic, what I am saying is in the beginning...I was in it ALL for the pleasure.

In my bizarre and (on occasion) childlike  mind, I was thinking orgasms....preferably multiple orgasms.

This is the one thing that, up until last time Master and I played, I hadn't had from a man or anyone else other than myself for over 10 years.

Now I see I sit on a see saw.

At one end....the Pleasure, where, up until now, I was firmly planted, not even realising I was even ON a see saw. And at the other Pain.

I have crept up a little from the pleasure end of the see-saw, still not quite in the middle, but definitely leaning towards the middle rather than seated firmly on one end.

Here is where it might get hard to follow...but bear with me.

The first time Master and I played...the VERY FIRST time He spanked me with His bare hand, it took ALL my willpower not to turn around and smack Him back. Spankings were not something that I had ever experienced as a grown up...that first one stung like a bitch!
The first time we played, He also bit me, but I LOVED it, and I know He knew I did at the time.

The second time we played, He spanked me again, this time I enjoyed it...didnt even occur to me to want to whack Him back (not that I would be game enough to anyway)
He also bit me again in that play...it HURT....and I dont mean the pleasurable kind. I wondered if the first bite was a one off thing...which made me want to cry, because I REALLY enjoyed it the first time.

The THIRD time we played...I got up to wash off the wax we had played with, and as I walked into the bathroom, Master told me to look at my back in the mirror.

OH MY FUCKING GOD

I was covered in bite marks and scratches, and I realised..... I had known His mouth was on my back, but to me....it felt more like kisses. Figure that fucker out huh?
I layed on the bed after He had gone, and tried to remember whether He has spanked me like He normally did. I mean, I KNOW He did, but was there less this time?? Or was He being not so harsh on me??

Watching that porn Master gave me made me realise something. I was not sitting on the Pleasure end of the see-saw anymore...I have moved up a little towards the pain end. But the pain end is not a HURT end....its still pleasure, but its a different pleasure than anything I have ever known before.

It is not my place to be asking Him if He had been gentle with me, nor is it my place to be telling Him what I want...BUT it IS my place to communicate with Him that when HE feels the time is right, I am ready for Him to go at me a little harder.

HE will know when.

HE will know how hard.

HE will know I am not going to run away if it hurts...I have a safe word, I need to be able to still function after Master leaves, so I wont be scared to say it IF I feel like it is getting too much.

Maybe what I am chasing is sub-space??....maybe I got to sub-space last time?? I dont know. All I know is, I am ready for a little more pain.

Maybe.

Possibly.

Who knows...maybe I will end up a pain slut after all.