Today was the first time I have ever reached out to my ex-Dom since we parted last year.
I felt a little like something was off centre, I knew it was something I couldn't explain to Sir. I didn't know myself what my issue was, so explaining it to Sir was nigh on impossible. So I reached out to my ex-Dom.
He knew/knows me well, he reads me well, and I have no hesitation in thinking that he would have known something was up just be the simple fact that I searched him out rather than the other way around.
After the Fucktoy post, he popped up on my YIM for a chat. We have spoken twice since then, so we are not chatting often, not even once a week, but we are in touch.
And even though I thought it would never happen, its nice. Its nice and it is odd in it's own way. I don't know what to call him, his name doesn't feel right, but neither does the word Master any more, so it is usually just Hi and goodbye, no names. Its telling to me that I get the same in return, no names, no kitty, none of my real name, just Hi or a Hey you :)
Having me pop up on his computer screen would have told him something was going on. I did wish for a mini spy cam to see if he rolled his eyes at my use of the term 'spaz out' but I knew he would understand the head space I was in.
What the chat determined was.... I was craving submission.
I am always Sir's submissive... ALWAYS, but.... midweek I am just me, I have no tasks, no rules, yes, we have regular contact with each other, daily, and multiple times, text message, ph calls, instant chat, emails...there is never a day that goes by that we don't have contact. But there are no expectations midweek.
It is not something I have consciously thought about up until now, but I miss tasks.
insert eye roll here
I am not sure I can effectively explain what tasks mean to me, but I will give it a go.
They are small things I did, at the request of my ex- Dom, which were designed to please him and from that, I got a feeling of serving, a connection of the submission, doing something that is not my choice, at a time determined by someone else...it is a way I felt connected, even over a long distance.
Here is where I admit that I used to resent tasks, they always seemed to be at a time that was inconvenient, kids home, visitors coming over, something always made me feel like I wanted to put it off til the last minute I could... but in the end, I always felt a sense of accomplishment when I had completed them. I didn't always get a reaction, sometimes I wondered if they were even received, but I could always take a deep breath, feel like I had accomplished something that would please him after they were done.
Some were photographic, some written, some physical, they varied. I don't presume to know whether there is some sort of Domly type master list of submissive tasks, randomly selected when needed, or whether they are individual to the submissive, chosen to enhance the submission, bridge the distance and maintain the contact and connection. And really, it makes little difference either way, the fact is, they do bridge the gap, maintain the connection and more importantly, they open lines of communication that are sometimes not breached any other way. Written tasks often are of a topic chosen by the Dominant, designed to make the submissive think about something that they wouldn't normally, perhaps research a new scene, a new toy, or investigate something not yet discussed.
This used to get one of two reactions in me. The first possible reaction was that I found something that I was eager to try, the second that I found something that put the fear of God in me...something I knew would push a limit, break through a boundary that was as yet, not breached. Both reactions had me concentrating on submission, thinking about how to communicate my reactions and maintaining a connection when time apart is hard.
But the point of the whole post is I am craving some submission, and I know my Sir well enough to know that if He were here, He would see the look on my face, His instincts would tell Him I needed something, be it a hand in my hair, a whispered word in my ear....just Something!!
This week coming, there will be very little play for us, winter here seems more hectic than summer, but I have the feeling this week we may get back to more of the talk we had when we first began, wants, dislikes, expectations and wants v's needs.
I have talked to Sir briefly about my craving, explained as best I could, but there is a need for a better explanation on my behalf.. I know I didn't effectively convey the feelings and the mental space I was in at the time.
Yet again, it highlights to me that communication is one of the single most important things in a BDSM relationship.
More communication coming right up......
Sunday, May 27, 2012
Monday, April 30, 2012
Love Bites and love grows...
After reading _sub_girl's blog post about being a guest on the Love Bite I sat and listened, and loved it.
Besides the fact it was nice to hear her voice, it is not often I actually get to hear her, but she is the queen of pinpointing unmet needs. Both her own and others.
There have been a few times where she has gently and sometimes not so gently pointed facts out to me I was unwilling to admit, showing me where I had needs that were not met, needs that would never be met.
Combine that podcast with having a weekends at Sir's which began with me not being allowed to touch or kiss Him, which I was told to strip naked, and ate dinner that way while Sir was fully clothed and before long I was self evaluating what my needs were as compared to wants.
I want His control
I want to be His fucktoy
I NEED to be able to touch Him.
If I have to live without kink, I can
If I have to live without control, I can
If I had to live without Him, that I cannot do.
I would survive, but it would be a miserable existence.
Since being there, I have started to listen to more of the podcasts from the Love Bite.
Being kinky, there is limited places I can listen to it in peace, I have taken to listening to it in bed, or after kids have gone to sleep at night. I even managed a little listening at work today while I had the office to myself. Some parts of it make me think about my submission, about whether I can do things a little differently than I have before, make it better in some way.
It may be infinitesimal to others, but if it makes a difference in a good way in our life, I don't care how small it is.
Some of the podcasts may not be my kink, but I will still listen, who knows, I may learn something unexpected, some of the bizarre things in life happen when you least expect it from all sorts of weird and wonderful places.
So I downloaded the whole lot, or the episodes I could so far at least, and have subscribed to the new ones that are sure to come. I found them here
I am not saying they are a teaching tool, I am just saying that I will be listening with interest, and if I hear something that relates to me, that points out to me a time and place where I can improve my submission to Sir, then I will be giving it a try.
My submission has changed over the past few months, not in a huge way, possibly not even in a way anyone else can see, but I can feel the changes. It comes more naturally, easier, and I honestly think it is as simple as knowing I have met my life partner, and that I can knowingly be submissive with Him and know I am safe no matter what.
I am not a bow and scrape type of gal, and Sir would be the first to tell you I have no issue with sharing my feelings, good or bad. But everything I do, I can do knowing that no matter what my opinion is, He will take my thoughts and feelings into consideration and make the decision that is best at the time.
The trust comes easily, even when He gets vicious and brutal and takes what He wants from me in a way that leaves me feeling well used. I know no matter how rough He gets, it would stop in an instant if He ever hurt me past what I can take, I know no matter how used I feel, I am always loved.
And the proof is in the pudding so to speak... Sunday morning Sir took what He wanted. 4 kids in the house, before coffee (even my kids don't speak to me until after coffee) and He just opened my legs, pulled my panties to the side and He fucked me. Before long we were off the bed and I was on my hands and knees on the floor, taken roughly from behind. There was nothing gentle about it, His fist was in my hair and He fucked me how He wanted. When He had enough, I was pulled by the hair to face Him and He came in my mouth. The whole time, Sir had this vicious look on His face, the one which warns me if I say something smart, that I will pay in a way that will ensure I learn a lesson from it. This was not about my pleasure, I was spanked twice...just enough to inflict pain and make that satisfying cracking sound, but not enough that I began to enjoy it, it was Him, His pleasure, taking what He wanted....and I loved every second of it.
As much as I have seen my submission change, I have seen His domination over me grow, seen Him become more comfortable in His role as the Alpha Man in our home.
This 24/7 relationship which involves D/s is a first for both of us, we are both feeling our way, neither of us have much to compare it to, but never have I felt so happy and content.
I have found my soul mate, and I am a lucky girl in that He is a kinky guy who loves to take control over me, but at the same time, let me be me, a strong submissive with a dominant personality who is quite capable of looking after herself.
Besides the fact it was nice to hear her voice, it is not often I actually get to hear her, but she is the queen of pinpointing unmet needs. Both her own and others.
There have been a few times where she has gently and sometimes not so gently pointed facts out to me I was unwilling to admit, showing me where I had needs that were not met, needs that would never be met.
Combine that podcast with having a weekends at Sir's which began with me not being allowed to touch or kiss Him, which I was told to strip naked, and ate dinner that way while Sir was fully clothed and before long I was self evaluating what my needs were as compared to wants.
I want His control
I want to be His fucktoy
I NEED to be able to touch Him.
If I have to live without kink, I can
If I have to live without control, I can
If I had to live without Him, that I cannot do.
I would survive, but it would be a miserable existence.
Since being there, I have started to listen to more of the podcasts from the Love Bite.
Being kinky, there is limited places I can listen to it in peace, I have taken to listening to it in bed, or after kids have gone to sleep at night. I even managed a little listening at work today while I had the office to myself. Some parts of it make me think about my submission, about whether I can do things a little differently than I have before, make it better in some way.
It may be infinitesimal to others, but if it makes a difference in a good way in our life, I don't care how small it is.
Some of the podcasts may not be my kink, but I will still listen, who knows, I may learn something unexpected, some of the bizarre things in life happen when you least expect it from all sorts of weird and wonderful places.
So I downloaded the whole lot, or the episodes I could so far at least, and have subscribed to the new ones that are sure to come. I found them here
I am not saying they are a teaching tool, I am just saying that I will be listening with interest, and if I hear something that relates to me, that points out to me a time and place where I can improve my submission to Sir, then I will be giving it a try.
My submission has changed over the past few months, not in a huge way, possibly not even in a way anyone else can see, but I can feel the changes. It comes more naturally, easier, and I honestly think it is as simple as knowing I have met my life partner, and that I can knowingly be submissive with Him and know I am safe no matter what.
I am not a bow and scrape type of gal, and Sir would be the first to tell you I have no issue with sharing my feelings, good or bad. But everything I do, I can do knowing that no matter what my opinion is, He will take my thoughts and feelings into consideration and make the decision that is best at the time.
The trust comes easily, even when He gets vicious and brutal and takes what He wants from me in a way that leaves me feeling well used. I know no matter how rough He gets, it would stop in an instant if He ever hurt me past what I can take, I know no matter how used I feel, I am always loved.
And the proof is in the pudding so to speak... Sunday morning Sir took what He wanted. 4 kids in the house, before coffee (even my kids don't speak to me until after coffee) and He just opened my legs, pulled my panties to the side and He fucked me. Before long we were off the bed and I was on my hands and knees on the floor, taken roughly from behind. There was nothing gentle about it, His fist was in my hair and He fucked me how He wanted. When He had enough, I was pulled by the hair to face Him and He came in my mouth. The whole time, Sir had this vicious look on His face, the one which warns me if I say something smart, that I will pay in a way that will ensure I learn a lesson from it. This was not about my pleasure, I was spanked twice...just enough to inflict pain and make that satisfying cracking sound, but not enough that I began to enjoy it, it was Him, His pleasure, taking what He wanted....and I loved every second of it.
As much as I have seen my submission change, I have seen His domination over me grow, seen Him become more comfortable in His role as the Alpha Man in our home.
This 24/7 relationship which involves D/s is a first for both of us, we are both feeling our way, neither of us have much to compare it to, but never have I felt so happy and content.
I have found my soul mate, and I am a lucky girl in that He is a kinky guy who loves to take control over me, but at the same time, let me be me, a strong submissive with a dominant personality who is quite capable of looking after herself.
Wednesday, April 25, 2012
His Fucktoy...
Driving home from Sir's last weekend, I passed the coffee shop where I had coffee for the first time with my ex-Dom. We had met elsewhere initially, but the rain had meant that venue wasnt going to work, so we drove to a coffee shop close by.
At the exact moment I realised where I was, and that I was almost stopped in traffic right outside the door, a song came on the radio.
It is one I have listened to many times, and love the words too, it speaks to me in a way not a lot of songs do, hits a spot inside if you will call it that.
This song has parts that could be word for word how I feel, some parts not so much, but I didn't write the bloody thing, so that's to be expected.
I am not going to pick out the parts that I identify with, nor the parts that don't mean as much, I will leave that for another day perhaps, and possibly whoever reads this has someone in their past that this song could have been written about, or knows someone like it.
Sir and I discussed a few different things today, stuff about the past, about the future, about the present, and I mentioned to Him that I had heard this song at the exact moment I went past the coffee shop where I had had that first meeting, I played Him the song while He held me in His arms, standing in the lounge.
It is almost like a closure for me that I hadn't had until now.
I never got a last chance at goodbye, once we came back from our trip away, I found out I was sick, and before I knew it goodbye was said....online only of course.
I guess in my mind I always thought there may have been a coffee, a hug and one last goodbye and wishing each other well, but there seems to have been too many things said to make that viable.
Probably more to the point, I feel like it is no longer needed either.
I have gotten rid of the things in the box tied with a bow.
I have sat and thought a lot about the past lately, I am not sure why it is now, life is quite busy for me, it is not like I sit here with time on my hands and nothing to do.
Within the first few months of me starting on my journey, I had spazzed out more than once, and looking back on it, I was fucked up.
Not fucked up bad, but definitely not my normal usual self.
I would cry a helluva lot more than normal. I didn't cope with things that I normally would have, and most importantly, I put up with things that I would have told anyone else to go fuck themselves over.
I am not saying I was treated badly.
I have no regrets.
I learnt a lot and those things I will forever be grateful for.
But I allowed myself to be treated in a way that I could no longer do.
It was never EVER without respect...this is in no way shape or form an attempt at disrespecting my ex-Dom, he made it crystal clear right from the very beginning, before we ever met how this would be.
I accepted his terms and conditions and I did so without coercion, without pressure and knowing the truth about how this would be.
Having said that, I think back to accusing him of making me feel like his fucktoy, that I was something he had sitting on his shelf, to be taken down and played with at his beck and call.
Sir has a pet name for me, something He takes great pleasure into whispering in my ear at different times in that oh so alpha tone of voice that makes you know exactly where your place is in His life....
I am His Fucktoy.
It is one of many words He calls me, it goes hand in hand with slut, whore, bitch and variations thereof.
But it is when He calls me Fucktoy that I melt inside.
It is one of those words that I used to hate, and now I love.
I am His Fucktoy, but the difference is, I don't ever feel like He places me on a shelf to be used when convenient. I am there to be used when and wherever he chooses, and the other times, I am content in His arms, knowing I am loved.
Now I sit here with a very sore arse, and a tender cunt, having today learnt the difference between being fisted and being fist fucked, and knowing that Sir was the first man to have ever cum up my arse.
Psychologically that was a feeling I never expected. Sir has given me many firsts, but knowing He came up my arse and was the first person to do that, make me smile in a way I never expected.
I ineffectively tried to explain it to Him at the time, but I am fairly sure it is something unexplainable, almost like giving Him a virginity of some kind.
Today was not the beginning of a journey, nor the end of another, but it was a day I will remember for a long time.
At the exact moment I realised where I was, and that I was almost stopped in traffic right outside the door, a song came on the radio.
It is one I have listened to many times, and love the words too, it speaks to me in a way not a lot of songs do, hits a spot inside if you will call it that.
This song has parts that could be word for word how I feel, some parts not so much, but I didn't write the bloody thing, so that's to be expected.
I am not going to pick out the parts that I identify with, nor the parts that don't mean as much, I will leave that for another day perhaps, and possibly whoever reads this has someone in their past that this song could have been written about, or knows someone like it.
Sir and I discussed a few different things today, stuff about the past, about the future, about the present, and I mentioned to Him that I had heard this song at the exact moment I went past the coffee shop where I had had that first meeting, I played Him the song while He held me in His arms, standing in the lounge.
It is almost like a closure for me that I hadn't had until now.
I never got a last chance at goodbye, once we came back from our trip away, I found out I was sick, and before I knew it goodbye was said....online only of course.
I guess in my mind I always thought there may have been a coffee, a hug and one last goodbye and wishing each other well, but there seems to have been too many things said to make that viable.
Probably more to the point, I feel like it is no longer needed either.
I have gotten rid of the things in the box tied with a bow.
I have sat and thought a lot about the past lately, I am not sure why it is now, life is quite busy for me, it is not like I sit here with time on my hands and nothing to do.
Within the first few months of me starting on my journey, I had spazzed out more than once, and looking back on it, I was fucked up.
Not fucked up bad, but definitely not my normal usual self.
I would cry a helluva lot more than normal. I didn't cope with things that I normally would have, and most importantly, I put up with things that I would have told anyone else to go fuck themselves over.
I am not saying I was treated badly.
I have no regrets.
I learnt a lot and those things I will forever be grateful for.
But I allowed myself to be treated in a way that I could no longer do.
It was never EVER without respect...this is in no way shape or form an attempt at disrespecting my ex-Dom, he made it crystal clear right from the very beginning, before we ever met how this would be.
I accepted his terms and conditions and I did so without coercion, without pressure and knowing the truth about how this would be.
Having said that, I think back to accusing him of making me feel like his fucktoy, that I was something he had sitting on his shelf, to be taken down and played with at his beck and call.
Sir has a pet name for me, something He takes great pleasure into whispering in my ear at different times in that oh so alpha tone of voice that makes you know exactly where your place is in His life....
I am His Fucktoy.
It is one of many words He calls me, it goes hand in hand with slut, whore, bitch and variations thereof.
But it is when He calls me Fucktoy that I melt inside.
It is one of those words that I used to hate, and now I love.
I am His Fucktoy, but the difference is, I don't ever feel like He places me on a shelf to be used when convenient. I am there to be used when and wherever he chooses, and the other times, I am content in His arms, knowing I am loved.
Now I sit here with a very sore arse, and a tender cunt, having today learnt the difference between being fisted and being fist fucked, and knowing that Sir was the first man to have ever cum up my arse.
Psychologically that was a feeling I never expected. Sir has given me many firsts, but knowing He came up my arse and was the first person to do that, make me smile in a way I never expected.
I ineffectively tried to explain it to Him at the time, but I am fairly sure it is something unexplainable, almost like giving Him a virginity of some kind.
Today was not the beginning of a journey, nor the end of another, but it was a day I will remember for a long time.
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