I am having one of those "stuff on my mind" moments, where I know it will help me work out what is what, but I am unsure whether it is things I want the world to know. And more importantly, I am not sure everything I said would meet Sir's approval for public consumption.
Has he beaten me? No
Has he treated me badly? No
Am I still madly in love? Yes
OK...we are clear this is not a relationship going bad post?? Yes? Good
It's been a long time since I have had to live with someone new. Get to know their foibles and intricacies.
When I was married, there were so many habits of my ex husband that I hated. I didn't become to hate them, I always did...right from the minute I noticed them. Sir has habits, small ones, possibly things He doesn't even notice, and so far, each and every one makes me smile.
I am not positive that it is working the same in reverse, but we'll get there.
The thing I have found the hardest is the meaning behind different things. We can SAY the same thing, and mean totally different things. It is when there is no clarification, one thinks one thing, and the other, another.
Which, for most people wouldn't be a big issue, but for me?? Blah.
Right now, I am struggling big time with my submission and my everyday life.
I cannot find a happy balance.
I have responsibilities, I am a mother, daughter and employee, all relationships which require me to be up front, strong and capable.
And I don't want to come home and turn into a mindless submissive who bows and scrapes, and neither would Sir want me to, but I am missing control. Not necessarily sexual control, but the kind that turns me into a whimpering submissive.
We have always done things differently to others. Our relationship is nothing like anything I have ever had before, and to be honest...the kink has dropped off a lot.
Which....I hadn't noticed that I had a problem with before now.
I can't tell you how long it has been since Sir tied me with rope.
Its been weeks since the flogger came out of the drawer.
I haven't seen a butt plug or any other kinky type of sex toy in months!
I have had a better connection with Sir sexually.... I have had multiple orgasms for the first time in my 30 odd years of life AND the orgasms have been easier and more frequent. All HUGE things in my life.
(For those just joining us... I had a bad orgasms-less marriage for 14 years, and Sir is the first guy to be able to give me orgasms.)
So while there has been little kink, it has been offset by better things elsewhere.
So why am I being an ungrateful bitch??
I am tired.. I know that.
Physically tired, emotionally exhausted and at times, a little homesick for the things I have left behind.
I don't know the answer.
I am not entirely sure I ever knew the question.
I am damn sure all I have managed to do is confuse myself rather than clear my head like I thought things would.
I need a holiday.