Saturday, April 30, 2011


I asked Master once for a pic of His hands on my tits.

This is not quite what I had in mind.

I was thinking cupping, making it look like I had some cleavage, pushing them up round my neck somewhere.

I just wish He had left fingerprints.

I like this more than what I had in mind when I asked.

This is His hands on my tits.

Friday, April 29, 2011

the latest task....

My latest task was to go to class, and every 30 minutes, excuse myself to use the bathroom, where I was instructed to use a vibrator for 3 minutes.

I was running late, and although I never question my tasks, I do sometimes point out limitations I know He cannot possibly be aware of.

For example, I was asked to complete a pic task, but Master was unaware I was expecting a family member at any moment, and had to leave the house within the hour, so He adjusted the task to fit in an around my life a little better.....that's all well and good, BUT back to the class task.......

I was running late, chucked the vibe into my bag and didnt think twice about doing as I was told..... BUT when I got to class......its a 6 freaking hour class.....thats like 11 trips to the bathroom, and this is a class of all women!!!!

By about the 4th hour, they were taking bets on what was wrong with me...using the bathroom all the time, coming back looking like I was in pain..


3 Minutes is NOT long enough for me to get myself off with a vibe!!!!

That's the first time I have gone to bed in serious pain....and the worst part???? I wasn't sleeping alone...I had a child with me for the night...arghhhhhhhhhh No masturbation for me...sneaking off wasn't even an option.

So today....I am slightly cranky, with a touch of fever, a serious case of needing to be fucked and feeling proud that I completed my task without argument....but wondering how long it will take for me to live down the "silent bladder infection" these women have diagnosed me in having.

Tuesday, April 26, 2011

disc 2....

the second disc Master gave me, was a follow on from the first disc, same girls, same guys, same story line, it just followed on from the first, BUT it was different......

it was more, and I do mean MORE...

More spankings, more pain, more play, more everything.

I was jealous of the marks the I saw on their bodies, I was jealous of the girl that could deep throat, I sat here pretty much the ENTIRE time wanting what I saw on the screen.

I held off playing with the vibrator this time, I deliberately left it in the bedroom so I wouldnt be tempted to use it.
By the time I had gone to bed, I was wet, Wet, WET.

I didnt want to come while watching it for one simple reason.... my task this weekend is to write a fantasy, I was hoping that, rather than get off on what I could see on the screen, that I would go to bed and think of HIM and I, and get a fantasy going in my head.
Kinda a good idea, cept I was so turned on that I didnt have time to get a fantasy going, that vibrator touched my clit and I was gone for all money.

No time to do more than imagine myself begging Him to let me come, and I was shaking and making a mess.

Monday, April 25, 2011

the gift of time.....

My friend Pixie posted the following in a forum on Fetlife..

What if your Dom said, " I have this amount of time, we can do anything you choose?"
What would you choose?
~ smile~ It's hard isn't it? I mean wow do you spend 30 minutes talking? 45 minutes making love? ... What are your thoughts?

I have thought about this for a couple of days...on and off.

Do you know....I dont think I have one single answer to that....there are many ways I would answer it, none higher on the list than others.
Some of the ladies answered things like dancing with their head on His chest, going out in public as HIS, laying one the beach at the edge of the water together, and another sleeping beside Him all night.
Long Distance Relationships are doubt about it. You have to be a strong, independent woman to be able to handle having so much time alone, thats something I struggle with on occasion. Long weekends and holiday periods are the hardest. Knowing you are missing out on the small stuff is sometimes hard, there are times I want to ring and say "OMG, Guess what I just did......or Guess what I just saw" But I keep all those things until we speak next.
If I had the option of just a certain amount of time, to do with what I liked...... I still dont know what it is I would choose.
Taking Him to a seedy pub, wearing my shortest skirt, highest spike heels, and my whore underwear, playing pool with other guys while He has to watch me bend over the table to take my shot are all things the girl in the black dress wants to do.
Having Him take me to dinner, followed by coming home, being able to sit at His feet, my head resting against His leg, thats something the girl in white wants to do.
More then likely I would defer to Him, let Him choose what it is we would do, it is not a statement I can hear Him saying, so there is no point in dreaming around un-achievable things.
Now, if the question Pixie had asked was "if there is one thing I can give you...what would you like?"
Now that one I have a MILLION answers for............

I hope everyone has had a wonderful Easter holiday, and for any fellow Aussies, 
They shall not grow old as we are left to grow old,
age shall not weary them, nor the years condemn,
At the going down of the sun, and in the morning,
We shall remember them.
Lest We Forget
It is ANZAC day here in Australia, and also in New Zealand, its the day we remember our fallen heroes, those who has served our country.
I hope you all think of your hero today, whoever that may be.

Thursday, April 21, 2011

the playground....

I have been on the Merry Go Round, I have played Snakes and Ladders, in a post on Fetlife I started the edges of a never ending jigsaw puzzle, this time I am on the See-Saw.

Now besides the fact that the above image has created all sorts of kinky ideas in my thinking is this.....

When I first began my journey with Master...I told Him I wanted the pleasure more than I wanted the pain.

I have since seen other Doms say they are pleasure giving Doms rather than Sadists.

I am not saying Master is or isn't a Sadist, nor am I saying I am Masochistic, what I am saying is in the beginning...I was in it ALL for the pleasure.

In my bizarre and (on occasion) childlike  mind, I was thinking orgasms....preferably multiple orgasms.

This is the one thing that, up until last time Master and I played, I hadn't had from a man or anyone else other than myself for over 10 years.

Now I see I sit on a see saw.

At one end....the Pleasure, where, up until now, I was firmly planted, not even realising I was even ON a see saw. And at the other Pain.

I have crept up a little from the pleasure end of the see-saw, still not quite in the middle, but definitely leaning towards the middle rather than seated firmly on one end.

Here is where it might get hard to follow...but bear with me.

The first time Master and I played...the VERY FIRST time He spanked me with His bare hand, it took ALL my willpower not to turn around and smack Him back. Spankings were not something that I had ever experienced as a grown up...that first one stung like a bitch!
The first time we played, He also bit me, but I LOVED it, and I know He knew I did at the time.

The second time we played, He spanked me again, this time I enjoyed it...didnt even occur to me to want to whack Him back (not that I would be game enough to anyway)
He also bit me again in that HURT....and I dont mean the pleasurable kind. I wondered if the first bite was a one off thing...which made me want to cry, because I REALLY enjoyed it the first time.

The THIRD time we played...I got up to wash off the wax we had played with, and as I walked into the bathroom, Master told me to look at my back in the mirror.


I was covered in bite marks and scratches, and I realised..... I had known His mouth was on my back, but to felt more like kisses. Figure that fucker out huh?
I layed on the bed after He had gone, and tried to remember whether He has spanked me like He normally did. I mean, I KNOW He did, but was there less this time?? Or was He being not so harsh on me??

Watching that porn Master gave me made me realise something. I was not sitting on the Pleasure end of the see-saw anymore...I have moved up a little towards the pain end. But the pain end is not a HURT end....its still pleasure, but its a different pleasure than anything I have ever known before.

It is not my place to be asking Him if He had been gentle with me, nor is it my place to be telling Him what I want...BUT it IS my place to communicate with Him that when HE feels the time is right, I am ready for Him to go at me a little harder.

HE will know when.

HE will know how hard.

HE will know I am not going to run away if it hurts...I have a safe word, I need to be able to still function after Master leaves, so I wont be scared to say it IF I feel like it is getting too much.

Maybe what I am chasing is sub-space??....maybe I got to sub-space last time?? I dont know. All I know is, I am ready for a little more pain.



Who knows...maybe I will end up a pain slut after all.

porn, Porn, PORN.......

Master and I saw each other for 5 minutes today....of course I wished it could have been more, but 5 minutes is better than none.

He gave me another surprise today....He gave me porn back.

I have been missing porn, and I wonder if He gave it to me to stop the whinging, but I am pretty sure He gave it to me for another reason.

He gave me 3 DVD's......of BDSM porn. What a lucky kitty I am tonight......big grin

I knew what I was getting, Master had told me earlier in the week, and me and my smart arse mouth commented "Do I have to write a report?" sighs so now of course I have to write a report for each disc.

So here goes...and might I add, these are MY feelings only, and in no way do I judge those who like what I don't.

Disc 1

(all scores are out of 10 by the way)

4  Watching a woman get Dominated by another woman  
9  The voyeurism of watching through the window          
11 Listening to Him tell her to "suck it, take it etc"            
10 Some of the clothes they were wearing                      
8  Him fucking her up the arse                                        
0  The breath play involved                                            
15 the Hair pulling                                                        
25 the biting                                                                  
11 the spankings (by assorted people)                          
-5 the glass dildo                                                  explanation for this one....the damn dildo was that fucking big she could barely get it in her mouth, and just when I thought she was gonna get it shoved up her cunt....up her arse it went....NO JOKE, my arse is still clenched that damn tight I dont think anything will ever get in there EVER AGAIN. She squealed and I squealed with her!! But lets not forget I am a beginner at anal.

7  the jewelled tipped butt plug  (looks much prettier than mine)
8  watching the drool after seeing one girl get face fucked  
15 watching another girl get tied by the wrists, spanked and her hair pulled  

and last but not least...the damn feet thing                     -100,000,000

God Damn could have warned me!!!!

Every time I thought I was gonna get myself off, hes making them suck on his goddamn toes!!! BLERK

To summarise, I spent nearly 2 and a half hours watching porn, I came 4 times (would have been more cept for the feet thing) and I am now ACHING to have a play with MY Master.

Wednesday, April 20, 2011

the innocent slut....

The girl in the white dress looks like an average surburban housewife.

The girl in the black dress is a slut.

The girl in the white dress prefers jeans, sneakers and a t-shirt

The girl in the black dress likes whore like underwear, 5 inch spike heels, and short SHORT skirts

The girl in the white dress catches raindrops on her tongue

The girl in the black dress runs her tongue all over His cock

The girl in the white dress likes to bake, sew and have coffee with friends

The girl in the black dress likes to drink, smoke, and swear

The girl in the white dress reads crappy romance novels

The girl in the black dress likes to watch porn

The girl in the white dress plays with the kids in the rain

The girl in the black dress makes sure she has a white t-shirt on while playing in the rain and gets photos for Him

The girl in the white dress stands up for herself and the kids

The girl in the black dress gets on her knees before Him

The girl in the white dress makes the bed every morning

The girl in the black dress makes sure the pillows are arranged so she can just see the scarves tied to the bed head

The girl in the white dress is me

The girl in the black dress is the me that only He gets.

Tuesday, April 19, 2011

the stars say it is so....

Recently in a post on Fetlife, there was discussion about Astrological signs, and whether or not they may play a part in why we do what we do.

In that particular group, there seemed to be a lot of women who were Aries, whether this is co-incidence I do not know, but what interested me was a link someone posted.

It allowed you to put in your date, time and place of birth, and it provided you with all sorts of information (for lack of a better word) about yourself, and why you are the way you are.

Mine was almost jawdroppingly accurate.

Rising Sign is in 21 Degrees Gemini 
Extremely active by nature, you like to get around, meet people and do different things. Very restless, you just can't seem to stay put. You need to be involved in several projects at once in order to keep your mind stimulated. You like to read books and to write letters and to talk -- constantly. Seemingly ageless, you will always appear to be much younger than you really are. Very adaptable and inquisitive, you are always open to new ideas and experiences. A "jack-of-all-trades", you are lively and versatile. Because of the high nervous tension that you always seem to have, athletic activity would be a good way for you to burn off energy. But be careful of a tendency to experience things only superficially -- try to dig in and absorb things at a deeper level. 

Those people that read my blog and know me in person, will be laughing about now....this is so me its scary.

I do not sit still well, I wonder whether this is why I like my tasks so much, no matter what I have going on in my life, by adding those, He keeps me occupied, and I find less time to fret and worry over things.

Sun is in 17 Degrees Aries. 
By nature, you are very energetic and high-spirited. You are fiercely independent -- you must be first in everything you do, and you enjoy taking risks. You are the one who will rush in where angels fear to tread. Quite brilliant at initiating new projects, you are terrible at following them through to completion. You are an enthusiastic leader but you tend to be a reluctant follower. Often you are quick to anger, but you usually recover just as fast, regretting later things you said when you were upset. One of your best traits is that you are simple and direct, blunt and honest -- just be careful you do not hurt others' feelings. Your need to be competitive at all costs may provoke resistance from others, but, as long as you maintain your usual Sunny good humor, this should not prove to be a major problem for you. 

I do enjoy taking risks...why the hell do you think I am sitting here with a leather collar around my neck and pigtails in my hair?? LOL

I can see Masters smile at reading the "reluctant follower" bit, this might explain a LOT.

Venus is in 23 Degrees Taurus. 
You are known to be a warm and affectionate person, and you tend to form long- lasting attachments. The reverse of this is that you can also be quite possessive once you have made a commitment. The beauty, luxury and comfort of your surroundings are important to you and you will devote much time and energy to making your home just right. Beware of your tendency toward self-indulgence, especially with respect to eating incorrectly. You also need outside stimuli to get you in gear When things come too easily for you, you can be lazy and indolent. 

HOW in the HELL did they know I had chocolate for breakfast!!!

Jupiter is in 04 Degrees Aries. 
The way that you grow and develop is by being an uncompromising individualist. You have a great need to be yourself and to explore your latent talents and abilities. Do not be afraid to let yourself go and develop self-confidence and pride in your accomplishments. But try not to become so self-centered that you ignore the needs of others. Also, you may have to build up your self-discipline in order to focus your energies properly. 

This comment made me think back to wanting my own name......I guess its just me, and the way I am.

Saturn is in 12 Degrees Cancer. 
The most important issue for you is emotional security. You have a deep and gnawing fear that those on whom you depend for emotional support will prove to be unreliable in the long run. When you are unloved and insecure, you distrust others and tend to feel isolated and lonely. Very cool, detached and objective, you can be counted on -- in situations that are inherently stressful or full of tension -- not to lose your self- control. That is a great and welcome gift at such times. 

Well......errrr.....ummmm, shit, what can I say about that one??
My excuse will now be, "its not my fault.....I was born like it"

N. Node is in 01 Degrees Sagittarius. 
You will probably have many different contacts and acquaintances throughout your life. You're quite gregarious by nature and your natural curiosity about others lets you take the lead in forming new relationships. You'll form close ties with those who have similarly idealistic ideas -- especially those who can stimulate you intellectually in your chosen field of interest. Your enthusiasm for learning new things may also cause you to do quite a bit of traveling. Because you probably will have many wide-ranging interests and concerns, you most likely will have contacts and connections in various parts of the country (or world). 

All I need now is a sugar daddy to provide the financial means to get around the world to meet all my friends....on second thoughts...a daddy is not something that appeals greatly, maybe I will just have to take a 4th job and save better.

This was only part of the information I post it all would take forever and be the longest blog in history, needless to say, what I didnt post wasnt as exciting as what I did post.

Wonder if I can convince Master to do His so I can peek on the inside...........

Monday, April 18, 2011

to please Him.....thats why.

I know people who are not involved in the BDSM world often wonder why the hell people willingly subject themselves to all sorts of "apparent" torture and humiliation.

I cant speak for others, but I can speak for myself and hope that it might help others understand a little more about the often "unseen" side of these relationships.

Yes, I get my hair pulled back hard and pushed around.
Yes, I get fucked up the arse, regardless of whether it is something I truly enjoy or not
Yes I get forced to take His cock as far down my throat as He can push it
Yes I have to do things I dont like, things I am not comfortable with.


I LIKE not having to make the decisions
I LIKE being made to do something I wouldnt normally do...what if I have been missing out on something wonderful all this time?
I LIKE His cock, knowing it pleases Him to face fuck me makes me want it all the more
I LIKE being challenged, pushed outside my comfort zone....if He one will.

And does anyone hear the emotion in His voice when He calls me His sweet kitty??

No...but I do.

And does anyone else see that tenderness on His face after I have pleased Him??

No, but I do

Does anyone see the smile on my face when he calls me His??

No, but I feel it

Does anyone else know what the chain around my neck means??

No, but He knew what it would mean to me

Does anyone elses voice have me wanting to be on my knees in front of them??

No, but His does

Does anyone else know with half a dozen typed words on the screen He can turn my mood from bitch to happy??

No, but He can

Does anyone else get from me what He gets??

No, but thats the way I like it.

For as much as there "seems" to be violence in these relationships, let me tell you, if most vanilla relationships had this much trust, respect, honesty and communication, I am guessing the divorce rate would HALVE.

Any violence...or supposed violence is all agreed upon, think rough rather than abuse, with abuse there is NO CONSENT, He has my consent, He knows my limits, I TRUST Him not to go beyond those limits.

He might get rough with me, bossy, pushy, make me do things HE likes as opposed to things I like, BUT what people dont see is that He is measured in most things He does, He holds back His pleasure to make sure I am not pushed beyond my limits, He can never completely let go like I can, He is always having to be aware of me, my reactions, my limits, my everything.

THATS the bit I like the most....knowing I can hand it all over, KNOWING He will look after me, always watching, protective and caring in everything He does.

And to the end of each day, if I can think I have pleased Him...thats my job done. Thats my part of our dynamic. TO PLEASE HIM

Getting the affirmation that I have done what I am supposed to have done, whether that be by my tasks, any photos I have sent, any words I have typed, or time we have had together, THATS the bit that makes it all worthwhile....let me tell you...hearing good girl, good kitty or seeing the look, knowing I have done well...

.sends shivers up my spine 
like nothing else on earth does.

Sunday, April 17, 2011

I want....

I want....

it to be cold so I can wear my play collar today and hide it under a scarf.

to hear His voice.

the marks to last longer.

I want lots of things today, none of which I will get.

I will be content to have what I DO have.

It is just one of those days.

Tuesday, April 12, 2011

its HIS fault.....part 2

This pic is actually me.

I got a parcel in the mail, which I am sure you all know.
Master told me it was to be my collar, He knew my preference was to have one that I could wear every day and feel the connection, remind me of my submission to Him.

What I didn't expect today while I waited for Him, laying on the bed, wearing THE outfit, was for Him to walk towards me with another play collar.

He may never know how hard it was for me not to cry when He buckled that around my neck.

Sounds silly, but feeling that leather collar tight around my neck, it made it all the more real. Maybe that's a thought every sub has when their Master does the same, or maybe it was just me.

I have some marks on me left after today, the bite mark I was hoping would stay, has faded, and I doubt will be still there tomorrow, perhaps any bruises will take a day or two to appear. (fingers crossed)

I do have six lovely red marks on my breasts and tummy after Master and I had our first play with wax together. I will admit, that fucking stings in an awfully nice way. I think I was wriggling a lot, do even recall calling Master a bastard at one point. (possibly shouldn't mention that incase He missed it)

I had to pay up on my bet, which Master knows damn well grossed me out, and damn Him, He got photographic evidence of the payup.

I had a slight victory winks Master bare handed spanked me at one point and it hurt His hand more than it hurt my arse. He asked me if it hurt, I said No, but quickly backpedalled in case He repeated it only harder.

AND we made sparks together.

Yes, I can hear you all calling that a bunch of crapola romantic rubbish, but it's true!!

At one point we both looked up to see the kettle sparking and glowing from the inside!!!
Needless to say, making Him a cup of tea after was a little more complicated since we had blown up the kettle from across the room.

(C'mon, I dare anyone to beat that one!!!)

But at the end of the day....

Its all HIS fault I have a sore arse smirks
Its all HIS fault I have burn marks on the front of me smiles
Its all HIS fault I did something today I havent done in 10 LONG years grins
Its all HIS fault I had trouble driving home sitting on a very well used "Masters cunt" winces
Its all HIS fault I am sitting here with the biggest smile I have had in months. says nothing, just grins

Its all MY fault that I think I am going to pay for this comment.......

Master:  you keep saying that i dont leave marks

kitty: and my big mouth

Master: lol

kitty:  I should go look in the mirror at my back, I know there are some on the front, I can feel them burning still

Master: go and look

kitty: yes Master  

(I went and looked in the bathroom mirror)

kitty: I have 6 burn marks that are starting to blister and you dont bite hard enough 

I wonder if I get a little more sassy if He will bite hard enough to leave me a lasting impression, or whether I will just get punished in other ways....hmmm, might be worth the risk.

Before Master left, He replaced my play collar with my vanilla collar. It feels right, it makes me feel like he is here, reminding me to behave, reminding me He gets a part of me no one else does, reminding me....


Monday, April 11, 2011

its HIS fault.....

it is all HIS fault I am so fucking horny.

Tomorrow is our play date.

Tonight Master made me remove my panties and bra, and go sit in my car and play with my vibrator and wait for Him.

He was late, by the time He got there I was on the verge.

He leaned in the window, His hand straight inside my jeans.

He looked at me, I think He was a bit surprised about how wet I was.

He played there, pushing the vibe in me, asking me if I was ready to be used.

He kissed me.

He pinched my braless nipples...HARD

FUCK...He smelled so good.

Its HIS fault I am sitting here as horny as fuck.

I now have to wait until tomorrow.

I am wondering if I should hold out until tomorrow and not take the edge off tonight.

Saturday, April 9, 2011

tits out for _sub_girl......

Anyone who has followed my blog for a little while will know about my friendship with the wonderful _sub_girl.

I think from memory, I came across a post of hers on Fetlife (now there is a surprise...NOT), which then led me to her profile and a link to her blog.

One of her posts resonated with me, again, something she said that I just couldnt put into words.

I dashed off a quick message and asked permission to use it in my blog......and now here we are.

We dont talk every day, nor even every week, it can be hard when we are on opposite sides of the world, but we keep in touch through the blogs, posting messages here and there.

Sooo, any way, back to the subject at hand, this morning she posted a comment on my blog, about my collar (still smiling and shaking over that) then we jumped on YIM.

Anyone who has read any of sg's blog will know she is a big fan of anal sex....God love her. So I knew she would be the right person for me to go to with a few questions I have had rolling in the head of mine.

Have I tried anal?? Yes
Did I like it?? It was ok
Did it hurt?? Not with Master, he was gentle with me knowing it was as good as my first time.
Do I want to like it?? Yeah, I think I might, but I have a long way to go first.

This is where more learning comes in.... I have read every blog, sticky, website and anything else I can get my hands on, so I know how best for me to prepare myself.

Master has helped, and I know He will be patient and understanding of both my fears and my medical condition that MAY limit anal for us. (May because we wont really know until we try more than once)

Me?? I ask my friends....who better to trust than someone you KNOW knows what they are talking about, and someone you trust to not wrap it up in cotton wool, someone who just can tell it like it is.

So, back to it, onto YIM we go, and I mentioned making a coffee. OMG sg says, I have wine!!
We have been discussing the wine/coffee date between us for months now, and its just never happpened.

Next thing we are on skype...VIDEO call none the less, and here is me, still in pj's, morning coffee, and I am not entirely sure I had even brushed my hair!!

It was sooooooo nice to be able to chat face to face so to speak, I now know what the bit above the shoulders looks like to go with the hot body she has. (She is hot from top to bottom )

We did the whole, here's what I do to get ready, and if this happens, or this happens, blah blah blah.

Then I showed her my collar, we oohed and ahhed together, and got onto other kinky subjects, was soooo nice to be able to talk about it all, rather than type, I am wishing Sarah, sg and I all lived a helluva lot closer to each other than we do, although I think there is not a town/city or even a country in the world that would be ready for the three of us together.

I mentioned to her that I had had my nipples pierced a little while ago for Master, next thing, I have my tits out on skype!

  God love friends who you can meet for the first time 
that you are comfy enough flashing your tits at!

Anyway, she answered all the questions I had about how to get ready, and now I have some practising to do over the weekend, as requested by My Master.

There is one hint for me as to what is gonna happen this week...

It is going to be a STELLAR week this week, play with Master, get my collar out of the box with the ribbon, show Him this outfit I have had planned for a while, the list goes ON and ON.........

 I hope every one reading this also has a great week...

much love, 


Friday, April 8, 2011

a box tied with ribbon...

I got a parcel in the mail today.

He had asked if I was headed home from work to have lunch.

I asked "should I?"

Master said "Only if the postman has been"

I have often said if I were a cat I would be long dead, dead of curiosity disease.

I wasnt intending on having lunch at home, in fact I was eating my lunch when He asked.

I did then say goodbye and race home to see if the postman HAD been.

He had.

I stood at the letterbox for a couple of minutes, I must have looked like a bloody idiot running a fingertip over the writing on the front of the bag.

I was so excited I had to pee, but I didn't want to put the parcel down, so I took it with me to the bathroom.

(you lot can quit laughing about now...)

My hands were shaking so bad I had to find the scissors to get the bag open.

Inside was an envelope and a box tied with ribbon.

I love cards, I would rather have a card than a present without thought.

The person writing on the card has to pick it out, and then stop and think about what to write, that always means something to me. I like cards to say the right thing when I buy them for others, it has to be JUST right.

I opened this card, and it said....

To MY sweet kitty

(insert message)


If I am completely honest, just reading that bought a tear to the eye, in a good way of course.

I looked at the box tied with ribbon for a minute before I could stop shaking long enough to open it.

Inside was a necklace.

But, I KNEW it wasn't just a necklace, this was to be my collar.

I had told Master once that I liked the idea of a symbolic collar for the simple reason that I was His ALL the time, I didn't want something I couldn't wear ALL the time.

By now I had to get a tissue, the tears were out of the eyes, not just in the corners.

I asked Master whether I was allowed to put it on, or was I to wait for Him to do it?

All the while HOPING He would say I had to wait, I didn't think it would feel right putting it on the very first time by myself. It's HIS collar after all.

So, here I sit, with a beautiful card, and a box tied with ribbon, a new name, and some fresh beginnings with MY Master.

Thursday, April 7, 2011

name of my own....

I have a name

I forgot to ask permission to change the name of the blog.

Back tomorrow with a new look I hope.

Wednesday, April 6, 2011

under consideration....

I have sat and thought about what I might write here for over 24 hours.

Yesterday I was again placed under consideration.*grins*

Some may be thinking this is backwards, since a week ago I had a full collar, but there are reasons behind this that are private, between Master and I, and it IS where we need to be right now.

I have a lot to learn, I need to EARN the full collar again.

If I sound a little less than excited about all this...believe me I'm excited, but I did have trouble for the first time ever with what to say on here.

We still have a ways to go before we can get back to where we both would like to be.

If I am honest, a lot of the lack of knowing what to write is the fact that although I am under consideration again, I am yet to hear him call me anything.

I blogged once that I got an email with "Hey there", and I wished for "my girl" instead.

One of the issues I had on my list was.....

girl...I AM proud to be your girl, BUT I feel like its a generic name, and brings to mind that it saves having to remember who you are speaking to.

I am cringing even reading that should have re worded that before I sent it to Him...came across wrong, sooooo wrong its not even funny.

I AM proud to be His, and He knows I would shout it from the rooftops if I could, but I have always struggled with being called "girl"

He has had "girls" before me, and I thank them, I am sure they have helped create the Master that I now get.

One of the biggest hangups I have left over from my marriage is that I now need to feel unique, be treated as an individual, not as someone standing in the background, unseen and uncared about.

Please dont get me wrong here, NEVER EVER has Master made me feel like I was anything less than me, and certainly not uncared about, but I need to feel unique, and seeing the word girl typed on the screen, makes me feel like one of a line, and inside me I want to feel like one of a kind.

We compromised on the issue, I understood that "girl" was the word Master uses for His special one, and that a new name cant just be pulled out of someones arse, I am MORE THAN HAPPY to wait until He comes across something special, something that will be mine alone, but I am missing being called something.

At this point I am sure He will be naming me PIA or something similar. (Pain In Arse), but either way, whatever I get called....I am His, and thats all there is to it.

I am His, He is MY Master, and I am happy.

I will just feel like its a little more real when I get something more than "hey there"

Tuesday, April 5, 2011

watching from the outside....

I feel like a child watching all their friends play on the merry go round.

I was on the Merry go round

It spun so fast, I begged to get off.

I have sat and watched it go around and around without me.

I can see now it goes fast for a little while, then it slows, steadies for a time, then speeds back up again.

I can see one person on that Merry go Round.

He is on a horse big enough for 2, but sits alone.

I want to be there, in front of Him, with His arms around me, his hand on my throat, holding on to me tight.

Protecting me, whispering words of sanity in my ear when I panic over the speed.

I want to scream out to get His attention, but I must sit quietly and wait.

I dont sit quietly very well...

If He sits here beside me on the seat, I do not know what to say, and yet, on that Merry Go Round, its different.

Monday, April 4, 2011

untitled 2...

Everyone has something they would say was their wildest dream.

And I am not talking world peace, but something so completely selfish, something for just them, no one else.

For some it might be enough money to buy a home, a world trip, being able to have a child if you were told you were unable, meet the man/woman of your dreams, to get married, the list is endless.

2 weeks ago, my most selfish desire would have been a breast enlargement...dumb I know, but something that I have always wanted. Not that I wanted surgery, but I would love for the breast size to match the hip size.
I never wanted to look like a porn star, just more in proportion thats all.

Last week, my wildest dream was to get back to being happy again.

I felt like I had thrown away my happiness.

Even while I was smiling at the kids, I was crying on the inside.

I hate to hurt people, even worse, the feeling that I have let someone down who placed their trust in me.


After the email I received from Him, I would have to say, that He managed to give me my wildest dream.

He gave me back my happiness.

I spent the weekend smiling from the inside.

Yes, I know I am still un-owned and un-collared, but these are out of my control now, it is up to Him to let me know that I am again worthy of being His.

BUT, either way it goes, I am again happy.

How do you thank someone who has given you your wildest dream??

The words Thank You seem so inadequate.

If I were in the same room with Him right now, I would most likely be on my knees on the floor in front of Him crying, showing Him how much it meant to me, but I cant do that, physically impossible, so another solution must be found.

Perhaps all I can do is actually say Thank you, and make sure that the trust He places in me is not misused, misplaced, destroyed, or in any other way harmed.

This makes me wish that I knew HIS wildest dream, so I could give it a shot at making Him feel the same way I do now.

so, for Him,

From the bottom of my heart, Thank You

Saturday, April 2, 2011

the explanation...

ok, I think I am finally ready to sit and write about what happened, hopefully I can manage to do it without too many tears.

Going on cam for Him was something I struggled with... A LOT, now that I can look back, it was because I couldn't see Him, I couldn't judge a reaction to anything I did, I had to rely on what appeared typed on the screen. I have to add here, not once did He ever fail to appreciate me doing on cam what He asked of me, I would always get comments during and also after, but it took a lot to get used to being without the visual of actually being able to see Him.

I can remember telling Him early on, that being blindfolded didn't ever worry me because I felt more blind on here, never being able to see, hear or smell Him, I had to learn to rely on what He said to gauge any reaction.

Anyway, late last week, after our missed play date, I had the opportunity to do something that up until then, I had never felt comfortable in doing, and that was offering to be on cam, in the past I had always waited for Him to ask. I had found myself home alone with no children and all the time in the world.
I got all sneaky, knowing what time roughly He would be online, I ran a bubble bath and timed me getting in, with the estimated time He had given me.

Sure enough, not long after I had settled in the bath with a book and a drink bottle, the laptop on a kitchen chair beside the bath, He appeared online.

A little general chit chat later, and I got all flirty, and told Him I was sitting in the bubble bath. As you can probably guess, next thing I was on cam.

A few instructions later and I was on the verge of showing Him something no other man had seen in 10 years. (He knows what this is, and NO, its not a part of my body, He has well and truly seen every part of that before) then something got said that made me feel like He had just lied to me for the first time.

Lies are the one deal breaker.....I am a big girl, I would rather have a horrible truth over a lie any day, and He knows this.

Wasn't long before we were saying goodbye and I was left feeling partly like I wanted to throw up, and partly like I wanted to punch something.

He was headed away for a few days, and I was left feeling like shit.

At some point over those few days without Him, I sat and made a list of all the things that I had been "sucking up" for lack of a better term, things I didn't like and worried now that I couldn't live with any longer.

It wasn't a long list, and I did alter it over and over a few times, til I felt I had it right, I tried to get it to sound impersonal, without emotion, typed words never seem to convey the right emotion anyway.

The first day He came back online, I shared with Him my feelings and the list I had made.

Looking back, I did the wrong thing, and went the wrong way about it, but I didnt know how or what to do, I felt like it was a monster inside me I just had to get out as soon as possible.

It must have seemed like I had walked into his office and banged Him over the head with a brick.

I will admit I did get angry while we were talking, but every angry thought I had was accompanied by 100's of tears streaming down my face.

The things on the list were important to me, but all I wanted was for Him to say that He could see that it was something we needed to talk about and I had made sure I had said that I wanted to COMPROMISE..nothing on that list was a demand, it was all things that had been festering inside me and nothing I had tried to do on my own seemed to work to get rid of them.

I think He was angry, I know I was too, needless to say we didn't accomplish too much.

At some point over the next 2 days we managed to compromise on every single thing on that list except one.

Unfortunately for the both of us, it was the one thing neither of us managed to discuss without emotions running high. The sticking point was both of us had made an assumption about this point. I assumed it was something I would get in the future, and He assumed I knew it would be something I would never get.

So I guess looking at it from the outside, it was His Hard Limit, but not one of which I was aware.

After rounds and rounds of the same issue over and over again, I was begging for Him to say it. I naively assumed that if He ended it, that I could get on with life, that the hurt would go away.

It didn't.

It got worse...because He did say it...after I pushed Him into it.

Hi there,

Well after being out and about today I have returned to the office and felt communication was needed and after discovering this morning that you out of anger changed your passwords before I had any idea of your issues has floored me and something I never expected

I can see now that even though we desire each other and staying together would be what we both want in a perfect world this isn't a perfect world nor a perfect situation.

It is with deep regret, sadness and a huge amount of uncertainty, i offer you your release from my collar and as such you are no longer my cherished submissive but an equal.

You may or may not realise that I have held you in such high esteem and have valued your loyalty, your honesty, your integrity, your intellect, your nature and just the fact that you are you.  Never in my wildest dreams did I expect our union to conclude both so soon and in this way. 

Please don't look negatively at this release but look back at the experiences that we both shared and the highs that we experienced together.  You have enriched my life in many ways and I would like to say thank you and I do hope that you can find the happiness that I was not able to provide.

I am unsure as to the future as I think I need to take in what has happened today with the password issue and the release request.  I know that you will be upset and sad and I trust that in a short time this will pass as you look back on the memories rather than looking forward to the experience.

I do want to see you happy and I know in my heart that you will be, it's your turn :-).

Be safe and be free my cherished XXXXX (insert my real name)

I am crying again reading that all over didn't stop the hurt, it made it worse, and in the instant I read that, I wished I could take the whole week back and begin it again.

The password issue that He mentions is, in my anger, I changed all my passwords that He had previously had. He saw this as a deal breaker and I think that I had done it, especially in anger, hurt Him, which was something I never wanted to do.

 End result..... I am without His collar and hating it.

The only positive....after 24 hours, we chatted. I don't know what it was I did or said, and I may never know (although this will bug the shit out of me) something changed. We reached a compromise. 

No, thats not right. I came home to an email titled compromise, it contained something that literally BLEW MY MIND, I dont even know if I will be able to explain to Him what I felt when I saw that. It was above and beyond what I had expected in my wildest dreams. I think I have read that email 100 times since I first saw it, its like I still cant believe what it contains.... seriously, to me, the contents of that email are equivalent to a ... oh god, I dont even know what!

I never hid from Him that I didn't want to do this without Him, that I wanted Him, that it hurt to be without Him, I felt like I would have no one I could turn to, to ask all those questions I bugged Him with daily. 

I made the statement that IF, and I do mean IF, I ever found another Dom, that I would request to him that I would be allowed to call said unknown Dom, something other than Master.... I don't think I would have it in me to call someone else HIS wouldn't be right.

What happens next I do not know. 

The only things I am sure of are...

a. I don't want Him to be out of my life 
b. What happens next is not my choice
c. I will have to live with what I did, whether it be good or bad.
d. If this is the end of our journey together, it will also be the end of this blog.

blown away....

there are very few things in life that leave me speechless.

I can normally scrape the bottom of the barrel for a good sarcastic reply to just about anything.

I can also just let loose with a good old fashioned "get fucked" if sarcasm doesnt fit.

but I got an email last night that left me speechless, nearly 24 hours later and I still am sitting here looking at it completely gobsmacked.

I dont know that I want to share the what's and why's or the details of the email, but let me just say this....


quick edit......

He is not gonna be happy about the amount of questions I have now! *grins*

Friday, April 1, 2011

one more time.......

I lied, this is not the last post.

I still dont have the words.

At 3am this morning I woke with the realization that I feel like I want one more session.

I have an outfit sitting here that makes me cry.

I took great pleasure in dreaming up an outfit to wear for Him.

It is nothing spectacular.

But He knows it was a big deal to me, it was the first time I felt comfortable in thinking I was enough, that I could be sexy for Him wearing something that I picked out, rather than being told what to wear.

I could stand looking at it knowing I had fun with it, I DONT like looking at it knowing I missed my chance to wear it for Him.

We had a session planned before all this crap happened, it didnt eventuate because He was ill on the day.