Wednesday, June 27, 2012

Kneeling for Sir...

Sir and I found out earlier today that we get most of the weekend together with no kids.
School holidays start for us this Friday, and my kids are gone for a week with their father, so for once.. I do not have to rush home before our weekend is over.

Chatting earlier tonight, Sir called me a smart arse, then proceeded to tell me my arse will smart over the weekend.

Part of me sighed with relief that we will get some play time... part of me then knew I needed to explain to Sir what was going on in my head, so He can make the decisions with all the facts.

Sometimes I feel like it is easier to write things down as if I am telling a stranger, rather than tell Him direct...a little like letting Him peek inside my mind without me feeling like I am topping from the bottom.

His response to the thought of peeking inside my head 

"I  try but sometimes I need a miners lamp, a machete and a big bottle of holy water"

I am going to make the assumption He was being smart and not serious. I like to think I am a fairly simple kinda gal, straight forward and blunt, without the neurosis some women have.

Either way... He is qualified to dip around in there and the machete and holy water are only optional navigation aides.

I am absolutely looking forward to some serious play feels like it has been forever. (I do know it hasn't really been thaaaat long)

But you know what??? 

More than anything I am craving a mental fuck.
I want Him inside my head, teasing and tormenting me with words, pushing me to the edge, making me a quivering, sobbing mess of emotional woman on her knees.

I may or may not also want a light touch of a flogger or two, maybe the crop if I get warmed up first, possibly some hitachi torture.... I really don't know what it is I want, and it matters little anyway, what happens will not be my choice, BUT, It is not the physical pain I am craving.

It is the mental feeling of being put in my place.

On my knees.

His property, to play with as He pleases.

At at the end of the play.. I can relish the feeling of being 'spent' and know it pleases Him to see me like that.

Thursday, June 21, 2012

Another communication fuckup..

I am guilty of the crime of keeping things to myself.

Is it wrong that I am hoping for a little home brand incarceration??
Ropes, handcuffs...maybe a blindfold or something??

I have failed in the one thing I actually thought I had managed to get my head around.


I posted a couple of weeks ago that Sir and I needed some more communication.
That was when I was imagining Him lying serenely in bed, recuperating from surgery.
A car accident prior, a collapsed lung, my frantic travelling made any sort of serious communication about D/s a secondary issue for me. And I am guessing it was the last thing Sir was thinking about as well.

We have just had a weekend alone for the first time in over a month.
Bliss....pure bliss.
No cooking.
No cleaning.
A day out on the new motorcycle.
And some serious vegging out on the couch.

It wasn't until Sir had gone home and left me all sulky on the couch that I realised I had missed my best opportunity for that serious discussion.

He called me on it last night.
It started from a discussion about the stress levels we have dealt with lately.
I remarked to Sir that he should probably be grateful I wasn't there with Him, and the reason for that is I was skirting that fine line between danger and absolute brattiness.
I called Sir a fucking asshole once, and was punished with a crop.
Last night I was in the same mood.

After our chat, Sir tasked me with a writing assignment.
To explain to Him more about the mental side of my submission.

It took me most of the day to come up with something I was happy with.
I am still not convinced I explained the side of it that Sir wanted to know, but I did try.

I am guessing my writing is the tip of the iceberg on this issue.
And that we will be discussing it further when we get time in person.

But I did learn something today...that even when I do not realise it, that I hide things, keep things to myself. That a small part of me is still scared about giving Him the things I have never given anyone before.....all of my emotions, access to the inner me, the whole part of me I had never given anyone access to before.

I need to learn to communicate better.