Thursday, May 31, 2012

To love Him more than I knew...

There has to be nothing harder for a Dom than to be not at full strength at all times.

It is life and common sense to know that not everyone can be on the ball at all times, that there are times when things get on top of us, where we need others strength, but for a Dom, this must be especially hard to fathom at times.

This week has been a busy one for Sir and I.

An accident on Friday wrote off His car thanks to an inattentive truck driver and some particularly nasty wet weather.
The weekend was busy with Sir at my place in a borrowed car, 5 visitors and my kids, so 9 people in total in a not so big 3 bedroom house, but the kids thought sleeping in the living room was great fun.

Sunday night had me travelling the 2 hours back to Sir's house, as I wanted to be able to take Him to the hospital at 7am on the Monday for removal of the gallbladder.

For me, this meant organising time off work, care of my kids, making sure I was prepared for the return home, making sure Sir's house was ready for His return home, packing and a whole lot more stress than I admitted to at the time.

Monday saw us at the hospital, I knew Sir was booked in for an overnight stay, but what I wasn't prepared for was for Him to come out of surgery looking as He did. Oxygen through a mask, and that look of someone who has been under anaesthetic was one thing, but He looked much worse than I had expected. This is where I admit to crying in the carpark where He couldn't see me.
And probably not so much because I was upset at how He looked, but the self realisation of How much He means, to me hit me harder than I expected.
I stayed 13 hours, sewing, reading, and watching over Him as best I could, all the while feeling as useless as tits on a bull.
Tuesday was emotionally horrid for me.
I walked into that room 12 hours after I had left, and found Him looking worse than the night before.
Morphine given to Him for the pain had left Him unable to take a deep breath, which in turn caused a lung to collapse during the night. The bile in His gallbladder had leaked into abdomen during surgery, which had caused a fever, and those two combined left Him looking like death warmed up if you will pardon the expression.

By days end He had improved 200%, but another overnight stay was happening.
I had planned my time under the assumption that I would be leaving Him to head back home safely tucked up in His own bed, not at the hospital for yet another night.

The drive home was one full of contemplation, thoughts and music to keep me awake.

After my marriage broke up, I swore that I would never do it again, that I had no need for someone in my life that mattered so much. I was determined that I would give my kids 5 years of my undivided attention, that I would find someone who was ok with just the occasional weekend together, maybe dinner occasionally during the week. Yes, I wanted the kink, the raging hot sex, the feeling of submission, but never did I think that I would fall in love.
These reasons are probably why I submitted to my ex-Dom, he made it clear to me that happy ever after was not on the cards, and nor was it something I wanted. What we had together worked for the time we were together.

When I met Sir, I also did the whole "never getting married, just want some fun every second weekend, my kids come first, don't want to fall in love stuff" with Him.
That lasted all of about 2 weeks before I fell in love.
My kids always come first, as do His, but kids are different. They are reliant on us for almost everything, we are expected to be there no matter what, and both Sir and I are determined that it will be that way for our kids.
But together, that is different.
He is my world, my everything and He owns me heart, body and soul.

Seeing Him not at full strength was not a shock, it was something I expected to happen. Who can have major surgery and be back to normal in an instant?? No mere mortal, that is for sure.
But to see Him looking so ill, irrational thoughts went through my head. Thoughts like I haven't had the forever you promised, that we have too many things left to do together, and while I knew He was in no immediate danger of actually kicking the bucket, it showed me how much He really does mean to me.
It also showed me that I don't always need Him to be the strong one, that I am quite capable of being the strong one when it needs to be like that, but that me stepping up and showing my strength doesn't make me any less submissive, it makes me a normal woman who loves and protects my man, whether He be a Dom or just a nilla man.

But it makes me love Him more to know that He can be honest enough with me to let Him see Him not at full strength, not at His strongest and not the Dom I know most of the time.
Having said that.... it won't be long before He is back at His wicked, evil best, torturing me with all sorts of weird and wonderful things.

I love you Sir, with all I have.

Sunday, May 27, 2012

Communication is on the menu...

Today was the first time I have ever reached out to my ex-Dom since we parted last year.

I felt a little like something was off centre, I knew it was something I couldn't explain to Sir. I didn't know myself what my issue was, so explaining it to Sir was nigh on impossible. So I reached out to my ex-Dom.
He knew/knows me well, he reads me well, and I have no hesitation in thinking that he would have known something was up just be the simple fact that I searched him out rather than the other way around.

After the Fucktoy post, he popped up on my YIM for a chat. We have spoken twice since then, so we are not chatting often, not even once a week, but we are in touch.
And even though I thought it would never happen, its nice. Its nice and it is odd in it's own way. I don't know what to call him, his name doesn't feel right, but neither does the word Master any more, so it is usually just Hi and goodbye, no names. Its telling to me that I get the same in return, no names, no kitty, none of my real name, just Hi or a Hey you :)

Having me pop up on his computer screen would have told him something was going on. I did wish for a mini spy cam to see if he rolled his eyes at my use of the term 'spaz out' but I knew he would understand the head space I was in.

What the chat determined was.... I was craving submission.

I am always Sir's submissive... ALWAYS, but.... midweek I am just me, I have no tasks, no rules, yes, we have regular contact with each other, daily, and multiple times, text message, ph calls, instant chat, emails...there is never a day that goes by that we don't have contact. But there are no expectations midweek.
It is not something I have consciously thought about up until now, but I miss tasks.
insert eye roll here
I am not sure I can effectively explain what tasks mean to me, but I will give it a go.

They are small things I did, at the request of my ex- Dom, which were designed to please him and from that, I got a feeling of serving, a connection of the submission, doing something that is not my choice, at a time determined by someone is a way I felt connected, even over a long distance.

Here is where I admit that I used to resent tasks, they always seemed to be at a time that was inconvenient, kids home, visitors coming over, something always made me feel like I wanted to put it off til the last minute I could... but in the end, I always felt a sense of accomplishment when I had completed them. I didn't always get a reaction, sometimes I wondered if they were even received, but I could always take a deep breath, feel like I had accomplished something that would please him after they were done.

Some were photographic, some written, some physical, they varied. I don't presume to know whether there is some sort of Domly type master list of submissive tasks, randomly selected when needed, or whether they are individual to the submissive, chosen to enhance the submission, bridge the distance and maintain the contact and connection. And really, it makes little difference either way, the fact is, they do bridge the gap, maintain the connection and more importantly, they open lines of communication that are sometimes not breached any other way. Written tasks often are of a topic chosen by the Dominant, designed to make the submissive think about something that they wouldn't normally, perhaps research a new scene, a new toy, or investigate something not yet discussed.

This used to get one of two reactions in me. The first possible reaction was that I found something that I was eager to try, the second that I found something that put the fear of God in me...something I knew would push a limit, break through a boundary that was as yet, not breached. Both reactions had me concentrating on submission, thinking about how to communicate my reactions and maintaining a connection when time apart is hard.

But the point of the whole post is I am craving some submission, and I know my Sir well enough to know that if He were here, He would see the look on my face, His instincts would tell Him I needed something, be it a hand in my hair, a whispered word in my ear....just Something!!

This week coming, there will be very little play for us, winter here seems more hectic than summer, but I have the feeling this week we may get back to more of the talk we had when we first began, wants, dislikes, expectations and wants v's needs.

I have talked to Sir briefly about my craving, explained as best I could, but there is a need for a better explanation on my behalf.. I know I didn't effectively convey the feelings and the mental space I was in at the time.

Yet again, it highlights to me that communication is one of the single most important things in a BDSM relationship.

More communication coming right up......