Today was the first time I have ever reached out to my ex-Dom since we parted last year.
I felt a little like something was off centre, I knew it was something I couldn't explain to Sir. I didn't know myself what my issue was, so explaining it to Sir was nigh on impossible. So I reached out to my ex-Dom.
He knew/knows me well, he reads me well, and I have no hesitation in thinking that he would have known something was up just be the simple fact that I searched him out rather than the other way around.
After the Fucktoy post, he popped up on my YIM for a chat. We have spoken twice since then, so we are not chatting often, not even once a week, but we are in touch.
And even though I thought it would never happen, its nice. Its nice and it is odd in it's own way. I don't know what to call him, his name doesn't feel right, but neither does the word Master any more, so it is usually just Hi and goodbye, no names. Its telling to me that I get the same in return, no names, no kitty, none of my real name, just Hi or a Hey you :)
Having me pop up on his computer screen would have told him something was going on. I did wish for a mini spy cam to see if he rolled his eyes at my use of the term 'spaz out' but I knew he would understand the head space I was in.
What the chat determined was.... I was craving submission.
I am always Sir's submissive... ALWAYS, but.... midweek I am just me, I have no tasks, no rules, yes, we have regular contact with each other, daily, and multiple times, text message, ph calls, instant chat, emails...there is never a day that goes by that we don't have contact. But there are no expectations midweek.
It is not something I have consciously thought about up until now, but I miss tasks.
insert eye roll here
I am not sure I can effectively explain what tasks mean to me, but I will give it a go.
They are small things I did, at the request of my ex- Dom, which were designed to please him and from that, I got a feeling of serving, a connection of the submission, doing something that is not my choice, at a time determined by someone else...it is a way I felt connected, even over a long distance.
Here is where I admit that I used to resent tasks, they always seemed to be at a time that was inconvenient, kids home, visitors coming over, something always made me feel like I wanted to put it off til the last minute I could... but in the end, I always felt a sense of accomplishment when I had completed them. I didn't always get a reaction, sometimes I wondered if they were even received, but I could always take a deep breath, feel like I had accomplished something that would please him after they were done.
Some were photographic, some written, some physical, they varied. I don't presume to know whether there is some sort of Domly type master list of submissive tasks, randomly selected when needed, or whether they are individual to the submissive, chosen to enhance the submission, bridge the distance and maintain the contact and connection. And really, it makes little difference either way, the fact is, they do bridge the gap, maintain the connection and more importantly, they open lines of communication that are sometimes not breached any other way. Written tasks often are of a topic chosen by the Dominant, designed to make the submissive think about something that they wouldn't normally, perhaps research a new scene, a new toy, or investigate something not yet discussed.
This used to get one of two reactions in me. The first possible reaction was that I found something that I was eager to try, the second that I found something that put the fear of God in me...something I knew would push a limit, break through a boundary that was as yet, not breached. Both reactions had me concentrating on submission, thinking about how to communicate my reactions and maintaining a connection when time apart is hard.
But the point of the whole post is I am craving some submission, and I know my Sir well enough to know that if He were here, He would see the look on my face, His instincts would tell Him I needed something, be it a hand in my hair, a whispered word in my ear....just Something!!
This week coming, there will be very little play for us, winter here seems more hectic than summer, but I have the feeling this week we may get back to more of the talk we had when we first began, wants, dislikes, expectations and wants v's needs.
I have talked to Sir briefly about my craving, explained as best I could, but there is a need for a better explanation on my behalf.. I know I didn't effectively convey the feelings and the mental space I was in at the time.
Yet again, it highlights to me that communication is one of the single most important things in a BDSM relationship.
More communication coming right up......
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