Monday, January 31, 2011

lessons learnt.........

today I have leant 4 valuable lessons...and I will add, so far, as the day is not over yet.

Lesson 1.   When Master sets tasks that have time deadlines....set the alarm on your phone or somewhere, to give you 15 minutes notice....other wise you end up rushing around..and are not quite ready, all because you have been distracted by something...this will earn you the nickname "punjabi girl"

(dont ask)

Lesson 2.   Make sure you don't have to make the kids go to their bedrooms while you complete Masters screaming "can we come out now" does not help the concentration levels any.

Lesson 3.    Make sure when you set off to go to the grocery store...that you leave enough time to chat to a few people and still get home on time to complete 2nd task...otherwise you may be finding yourself taking pics in a public toilet.

Lesson 4.   After having your nipples pierced....please ensure you wear a bra to the grocery store...because as soon as you go to get the milk ( in the coldest spot of the store) the hardening of the newly pierced nipples will cause enough pain that people look at you oddly, and the kids to ask if you are ok.

and since the day is not yet over...there is a distinct possibility that the days lessons are not yet all learned.

Sunday, January 30, 2011


its done.

and I am not happy with it.

even before He gets it...I feel like I have let Him down.

it pissed me off that what normally comes so easy was this time so damn hard.

Friday, January 28, 2011


friday night....the kids are home after a week with their father.

i am enjoying having them back in my arms.

to a certain extent I am even enjoying the fighting...its nice to have the noise in the house again.

Master has set me a task over this He knew I could do, in and around having the kids home and me wanting to spend time with them.

i am to write a story...a fantasy.....a story about a sub and her new Master.

i am to reveal my innermost secret desires.

i sit here.....and am wondering, I really dont think there is anything thats a secret desire that I havent already shared with Him.

there is COMPLETE honesty with Him... like I have NEVER had before...and He has never...NEVER made me feel silly, dumb, stupid or anything else about anything I say to Him.

in my long term relationship....I faked get it over with. EVERY SINGLE TIME

i would never do that with Master.....if it doesn't happen, it doesn't, that doesn't mean I wont enjoy enjoyment comes from pleasuring Him.

don't get me pleasure matters, but I know myself well enough to know it wont happen every time, so lets just enjoy it when it does, and in the meantime...His pleasure is my pleasure.

so in all the honesty....where will I come up with a secret desire that He doesn't already know about???

and still I am a beginner....I found out this week that I like things I didn't know I liked.....

maybe they will feature...probably  *wicked grin*  I can't wait til Master does that to me again.

but in the meantime... I have a Dora bedtime story to tell, then the ritual tucking in, followed by her getting up, me tucking her in, her getting up, me tucking her in...growling...and all that other fun stuff....maybe if I am lucky...inspiration will strike somewhere along the line...followed by frenzied deadline is Monday I get thinking then huh??

Wednesday, January 26, 2011

is it??? or isnt it???

in all my reading....the one thing that caught my eye, was people talking about sub-drop.

a state of mind that sometimes came after sub-space.

now I am still not entirely sure on the whole sub-space it a general whole "out of body" feeling, or something else entirely?

either way, I get the feeling that today I am feeling a few sub-drop after effects after my play yesterday with Master.

my brain doesn't seem to want to concentrate on anything for more than 3 seconds, my attention span is ZERO, I could quite happily go have a nap, but I don't want to as I know I wont sleep tonight, I have eaten the whole supply of M & M's that I had, and God Help the next person who says something to annoy me...they will get told where to go very swiftly.

maybe what I need is to go put a movie on and zone out for a while....I really don't know what it is that might make me feel better.

it's not that I feel bad...I don't, but I just feel "off"

maybe it's that my body is still feeling the effects from yesterday...I have marks, which I half expected, but didn't know how I would feel about having, I have aching muscles, and the bits of me that hadn't been touched for a long time....are DAMN sore.

i am guessing all these things add up to sub-drop, and I am WELL AWARE that these are not life threatening feelings, and apart from the sore bits and marks, may all be gone tomorrow, but they are here today.

maybe I need to go find a movie, cuddle on the chair with a quilt and pillow, trouble is, the movie I would pick would more than likely be a sad one, then I would need tissues...and I am not sure I could stop crying  once I started.

then again...maybe that's what I need.... a decent cry session to get it out...I just don't know what it is I feel like.

I am thinking this is my proof that for every action...there is a reaction...and being new at this, I guess only time will help me work out what it is that's going to make me feel better.

Tuesday, January 25, 2011


yes I threw up..............

and OH MY GOD was I nervous...........

when Master walked in the whole body was shaking....and I had damn well forgotten to unlock the door.


and I wont say it went away straight away...but it did go...and a certain amount of comfort took its place.

(This is girls Master - Knowing she was nervous and new and unknown, I chose to take things slowly.  Suffice to say that my girl lived up to, met AND exceeded my expectations.  I can confirm that she was a great decision to collar and more so one with whom I look very much forward to growing with on our journey.  She made me very proud today and I feel a very safe and warm heart there in her.  This gives me great confidence and excitement for our time ahead. Wow, what a GREAT 1st session.)

Master has just gone....and while I sit tenderly on the chair and read the words he has written, I can smile and time I will be nervous...but there will be no throwing up.

Thank you have made me a very happy girl.

Monday, January 24, 2011

wanting to throw up...........

oh god am I nervous..........

I think I need to throw up.

tomorrow is the first time Master and I will play...a session if you will call it that.......

we had a big chat today....I dont think we have chatted like that since I submitted to Him....

the chat made me feel less nervous about tomorrow...thank god

some of the things He said to me, made me realise that He actually DOES want me....

I had a task over the changed His plans for me tomorrow...but in a silly way,He has only made me more comfortable with it.... I wonder if He knew this when He changed His idea about what He wanted.... I dont know, and I guess am not likely to ever know.......

all I know is...I wanna throw up....

Thursday, January 20, 2011

missing friends.........

sometimes being online sucks....

you get to make friends all over the world...

but when they need you, you are not close enough for anything other than words

and when you need them.....not close enough for a hug

and why is it...these people seem to be less judgemental about your lifestyle choices??

no one close to me in RL knows of my BDSM journey except Master....everyone else is somewhere else in the world

I love my online friends....but it SUCKS they are so far away

Tuesday, January 18, 2011

clean windows...........

why I thought today would be a good day for Master to meet my best friend...I have no idea......I had been without contact over a long weekend, and then didnt get the day at home that I would have normally, where I have the freedom to chat as much or as little as Master has time being not able to chat with him....knowing he was chatting with her..."meeting" her online for the first time had me in a cleaning frenzy...trying to distract myself....but not out of sight of the computer...just in case.

*sighs* of course it all went well in the end...or so I think.......they both seemed to be ok....they for sure chatted long enough!!!!

It was important to me that they knew/know of each other...know how important they both are to me...she is the one female friend I have who knows ALL...and I do mean ALLLLLLLLL, and it was important to me that she could see in Him, what I see everyday...the caring, kind Master....who manages to distract me at the drop of a hat...who makes me wriggle on the damn office chair all day....anyway, enough of that. ;)

A twinge of jealously later...Im over it.......Master knows I am not enthused about sharing Him with another sub...our time is limited enough as it is...and she is my best friend...who knows me inside out and back to probably sat there chatting to Master...knowing that I would be mentally cleaning or some such thing.

It does open my eyes about my feelings for Him deep He has gotten under my skin.....but PLEASE dont take this as complaining...ITS NOT.....Its like someone cleaned the front window....all the others were clear, that one just had a spot that is now clear for me to see through....

Sunday, January 16, 2011

is there an explanation?????

doing a little more reading.....of course, I came across a group on Fetlife with a list of I went, coffee in hand, missing having contact with Master today..........

One particular post caught my was everything I was thinking and unable to express...and believe me I tried.....its taken hours, and everytime I just delete and start over.

so after asking permission to it is......

MANY MANY thanks to _sub_girl

what is it specifically that you find appealing about being controlled?
I was struggling with getting my words out... I realized that the appeal isn't so much in being controlled, rather it is in the powerlessness that goes hand-in-hand with giving the control to someone else.

Therein lies a distinction that is important for me to make note of.  There is a marked difference between giving your power up and having it taken from you.  I don't ever want my power taken from me.  I'm too... strong to be okay with that.  It is extremely important to me that I always maintain a shred of control - i.e. having a safe word, the ability to look my owner/master/dom in eye and for him to recognize I'm not okay with what's going on.

Powerlessness (i.e. being controlled) means quiet.  Quiet in my head from the never-ending noise that makes me go, go, go until I feel so overwhelmed I give up and do nothing.

Powerlessness means structure.  Knowing that I'm expected to accomplish a specific task(s) and there will be consequences if I do not.

Powerlessness means relief.  Relief from feeling that I have to be in control all the time and make everything perfect.

Powerlessness means relinquishing the headache and heartache that comes with having to be right all the time.

and here is the link for any of you that would love to continue reading...hope you enjoy it as much as I have.

Thursday, January 13, 2011

thought for the day.........

Author: Unknown

Allow girl the strength to answer questions she can't fathom.
Allow girl the spirit to know his needs.
Allow girl the kindness to choke back retorts.
Allow girl the serenity to serve Him in peace.
Allow girl the love to show Him myself.
Allow girl the tenderness to comfort Him.
Allow girl the light to show us the way.
Allow girl the wisdom to be an asset to Him.
Let girl be able to show Him each day my love of her service to Him.
Let girl open herself up to completely belong to Him.
Let girl accept my punishment with the grace of a woman.
Let girl learn to please Him, beyond herself.
Grant girl the power to give herself to Him completely.
Give girl the strength to please us both.
Permit girl to love herself, in loving Him.
Allow girl the peace of serving Him.
For it is her greatest wish, her highest power, to make his life complete, as he makes hers.

and my own addition

Allow girl to hold her cheeky comments inside until she is sure she can handle the punishment that inevitably will follow ;)

the start............

After the end of a long term relationship, I decided to explore those things that had always seemed taboo, foreign, frowned upon, all those things that made my heart race a little faster, made me a little more excited, and all those things I had always wondered about.

Chatting with an online friend, who I knew had a "different" kind of life, sexually, he gave me some sites to check I could rid my head of these imaginary demons where this lifestyle was concerned.

WOW...did my head spin!!!!!!!

Avidly reading when supposed to be sleeping....pestering my wonderful friend with a million questions.......wanting to know more..then more...then more... I wondered if ever I would fully understand, and how could I possibly learn more without some chatting to other people...........

I always knew I thought differently about these things to my friends, must be how people feel when they "come out of the closet". It was like a whole new world had opened up to I seemingly couldn't get enough of. The idea of becoming submissive to someone appealed more and more.

I can remember thinking to some point, I am going to have to be brave and have a chat to some of these people...who better to learn from than people who are living this............
For those of you who know me... I am impatient...IMPATIENT.....VERRRY IMPATIENT.
I think I lasted all of maybe 2 days...onto Instant Messenger chat I went.....

MORE OMG'S......."What in the hell do I do now?" was the first thought....followed by a pinging sound, then another, then another, then another....until I noticed the top of the screen flashing at me...incoming messages.

5 blinking messages...which one should I choose to answer?????????

3 have quite polite messages....and the other 2...well, lets just say I knew they were no one I was interested in talking to...some people need to learn manners ALWAYS help, and the statement "I have a 10" cock"...might get you somewhere...but not with me.

Hmmmm, back to the other 3...which should I choose?????

The devil in me..proceeded to say "Fuck it" and I answered all 3

My goodness...did I not know what I was in conversation at a time is hard enough...let alone when people are wanting your most inner secrets.....what kind of BDSM are you into?, do you like bondage?? what about spanking or anal?? the list of questions went on..and on...and on.

Within 15 minutes I had confused myself stupid and had culled the 3 convos back to one.
We chatted...he was nice, had manners, was polite enough, but I didnt feel comfortable for some reason, so I said thanks but no thanks and ended the conversation....proceeding to rush back to my online friend to "report in" what I had just done. I remember getting told " I gave you that site for READING, trust you to jump into the deep end". We laughed together, although I am sure he laughed LONGER and HARDER than I did...he knew what was in store for me.
*sighs* unable to help myself...back onto chat I went.......

5 hours...yes 5 LONG hours later, I had chatted to about 6 different guys, some for longer than others.
ALL I pestered with questions, and struggled to answer theirs. HOW could I know what I liked??? I have never tried any of this stuff.....well yes, there was this one time I got tied up...and yes, there was this one time someone pulled my hair while taking me from behind, and yes, now that I really think about it, I liked all those I guess they go on the list, but by this point, the Hard Limit list FAR outweighed the WANT list.

Those outside the BDSM community, are commonly referred to as "Vanilla", hence my end of day 2 report went something like... I have met 4 guys today,

1. Choc Chip, mostly vanilla with a sprinkle of Choc
2. Chocolate, but just plain
3. Chocolate, but a bit nutty
4. Mr Decadent....the chocolate every chocoholic craves.

In all that has happened this week, I am fuzzy on the exact details, but somewhere along the line, I had added 2 of these guys to my yahoo chat, the instant messenger on the site was terrible for quality.

By the end of day 3, I had added a Raspberry Ripple to the list, all good for those that like that flavor, but I am a certified chocoholic.

Mr Decadent intrigued me....asked different questions, was more self assured without sounding arrogant, pushed me for answers, but wasnt pushy about it, answered ALL my questions honestly, even the ones I know He didnt want me to have asked, He showed me a different way of seeing things.
Of course, being the newb I am..I, of course, rushed off to double and sometimes triple check all the things He told me, part of me saying "He could be a stalker or a creep" but the inner part of me, the gut instinct I trust so well, never said anything like that. My head did say slow down, as did my friend, and so I backed off a little, chatted to others less and went back to more reading.

Reading created more questions I wanted answered, which created more reading, which made more questions...before I knew it, a week had nearly gone by, and while I had gained more online friends, there seemed to be one particular person I went back to time and time again.
At some point, and I dont recall who first mentioned it, there was talk of a meeting between us in Real Life.
Could this sexual attraction carry over into reality??
Is this someone I could potentially submit to??
Someone I could trust with my body??
Someone I could be proud to call Master??
Someone who's collar I would be eager to wear??
Off I went again...more reading, looking for other peoples opinions on how this would/could/should work, more overthinking, could I really meet this person?? Would I be safe?? How will this work??

Sleepless nights followed, at which point I realised I wanted to meet this person, How else would I get the answers to the questions I had?? All I could do was make sure i did this is the SAFEST way possible.
Make sure I did this in a public place....make sure I had my phone on at all times, make sure I had a safe call set up...make sure He understood my concerns.
I told myself...."If at any point, He makes me feel unsure, pushed, rushed, unsafe or doubtful, I wont do this"
NOT ONCE did I get any of those feelings.

The day had come.

I travelled to meet Him, thinking all the way, I hope this goes well, thinking back over the HOURS of chat we had done, the video calls, the voice chat, hoping He showed up, hoping He would feel the same as I did when I got there.
We had discussed what would happen both during and after, how we would communicate our interest in each other...I had made my intentions clear, I would NOT be making a decision straight away, I wished to come home...sleep on it, make sure this is what would be right for me. He understood why I felt that way and supported my decision.
We met. Had coffee. Went for a walk. Talked. Chatted. Talked some more.
All the time, here was me thinking, could I?, is this what I wanted? is HE what I want?
There seemed to be a part of me that had an instant trust for Him, I KNEW that I could trust my body with Him, that He would never deliberately harm me, hurt is relative, pain is part of the BDSM lifestyle that I was looking for...not the OMG Im broken pain, but the sting after the spank on the arse, the hot pleasure of the ropes on my wrists.

Leaving our meeting, I was 90% sure this is what I wanted to do, and was tempted to tell Him there and then.
But the stubborn side of me stood up and insisted I take the night.,..sleep on it.

He had asked me to email Him with my thoughts, any questions, so we could chat, discuss and resolve them together.
Was a short real issues, I had woken with the decision that this is something I wanted to do, that I knew I had met someone I could trust with my body, someone I could fully submit to.
Work called before I could submit my request to Him, the request that He would consider me for His Consideration Collar.
I struggled with the wording, knowing I wanted to get it right, knowing He expected more than a yes, I want to.
The hardest part was there was no reading I could do here, there was no guidance on how this was supposed to happen...was all my responsibility, my feelings, my inner thoughts and my hopes for our relationship.
No standard form I could fill in, no multiple choice....just me

Dear Sir, 

This letter is my formal request to you. I wish for you to allow me the privilage of wearing your Collar of Consideration.

In requesting this collar, I wish to show you to the best of my abilty, that I can be the submissive you wish me to be, that I will openly and honestly gift you with my trust and my body.

I offer you this request  to show you that I consider this my committment to you, and to the relationship we will share of Master and sub.

Should you accept my request, from this day forward, I am yours and will obey, honor, respect and trust in you and the relationship we shall have, to the best of my ablilty.

 I look forward to committing to you and hope that we can travel this journey together.

I can go to bed this night....PROUD to call him Master....PROUD to be called girl...His girl

and I just need to work out how to take full length photos of myself, with no one here to help..... to complete my first task, to show Master, that I am willing to do as He asks of me, even when it may mean taking 500 photos to try and get the 5 He has requested ;)

goodnight all