Chatting with an online friend, who I knew had a "different" kind of life, sexually, he gave me some sites to check out....so I could rid my head of these imaginary demons where this lifestyle was concerned.
WOW...did my head spin!!!!!!!
Avidly reading when supposed to be sleeping....pestering my wonderful friend with a million questions.......wanting to know more..then more...then more... I wondered if ever I would fully understand, and how could I possibly learn more without some chatting to other people...........
I always knew I thought differently about these things to my friends, must be how people feel when they "come out of the closet". It was like a whole new world had opened up to me...one I seemingly couldn't get enough of. The idea of becoming submissive to someone appealed more and more.
I can remember thinking to myself........at some point, I am going to have to be brave and have a chat to some of these people...who better to learn from than people who are living this............
For those of you who know me... I am impatient...IMPATIENT.....VERRRY IMPATIENT.
I think I lasted all of maybe 2 days...onto Instant Messenger chat I went.....
MORE OMG'S......."What in the hell do I do now?" was the first thought....followed by a pinging sound, then another, then another, then another....until I noticed the top of the screen flashing at me...incoming messages.
5 blinking messages...which one should I choose to answer?????????
3 have quite polite messages....and the other 2...well, lets just say I knew they were no one I was interested in talking to...some people need to learn manners ALWAYS help, and the statement "I have a 10" cock"...might get you somewhere...but not with me.
Hmmmm, back to the other 3...which should I choose?????
The devil in me..proceeded to say "Fuck it" and I answered all 3
My goodness...did I not know what I was in for....one conversation at a time is hard enough...let alone when people are wanting your most inner secrets.....what kind of BDSM are you into?, do you like bondage?? what about spanking or anal?? the list of questions went on..and on...and on.
Within 15 minutes I had confused myself stupid and had culled the 3 convos back to one.
We chatted...he was nice, had manners, was polite enough, but I didnt feel comfortable for some reason, so I said thanks but no thanks and ended the conversation....proceeding to rush back to my online friend to "report in" what I had just done. I remember getting told " I gave you that site for READING, trust you to jump into the deep end". We laughed together, although I am sure he laughed LONGER and HARDER than I did...he knew what was in store for me.
*sighs* unable to help myself...back onto chat I went.......
5 hours...yes 5 LONG hours later, I had chatted to about 6 different guys, some for longer than others.
ALL I pestered with questions, and struggled to answer theirs. HOW could I know what I liked??? I have never tried any of this stuff.....well yes, there was this one time I got tied up...and yes, there was this one time someone pulled my hair while taking me from behind, and yes, now that I really think about it, I liked all those things......so I guess they go on the list, but by this point, the Hard Limit list FAR outweighed the WANT list.
Those outside the BDSM community, are commonly referred to as "Vanilla", hence my end of day 2 report went something like... I have met 4 guys today,
1. Choc Chip, mostly vanilla with a sprinkle of Choc
2. Chocolate, but just plain
3. Chocolate, but a bit nutty
4. Mr Decadent....the chocolate every chocoholic craves.
In all that has happened this week, I am fuzzy on the exact details, but somewhere along the line, I had added 2 of these guys to my yahoo chat, the instant messenger on the site was terrible for quality.
By the end of day 3, I had added a Raspberry Ripple to the list, all good for those that like that flavor, but I am a certified chocoholic.
Mr Decadent intrigued me....asked different questions, was more self assured without sounding arrogant, pushed me for answers, but wasnt pushy about it, answered ALL my questions honestly, even the ones I know He didnt want me to have asked, He showed me a different way of seeing things.
Of course, being the newb I am..I, of course, rushed off to double and sometimes triple check all the things He told me, part of me saying "He could be a stalker or a creep" but the inner part of me, the gut instinct I trust so well, never said anything like that. My head did say slow down, as did my friend, and so I backed off a little, chatted to others less and went back to more reading.
Reading created more questions I wanted answered, which created more reading, which made more questions...before I knew it, a week had nearly gone by, and while I had gained more online friends, there seemed to be one particular person I went back to time and time again.
At some point, and I dont recall who first mentioned it, there was talk of a meeting between us in Real Life.
Could this sexual attraction carry over into reality??
Is this someone I could potentially submit to??
Someone I could trust with my body??
Someone I could be proud to call Master??
Someone who's collar I would be eager to wear??
Off I went again...more reading, looking for other peoples opinions on how this would/could/should work, more overthinking, could I really meet this person?? Would I be safe?? How will this work??
Sleepless nights followed, at which point I realised I wanted to meet this person, How else would I get the answers to the questions I had?? All I could do was make sure i did this is the SAFEST way possible.
Make sure I did this in a public place....make sure I had my phone on at all times, make sure I had a safe call set up...make sure He understood my concerns.
I told myself...."If at any point, He makes me feel unsure, pushed, rushed, unsafe or doubtful, I wont do this"
NOT ONCE did I get any of those feelings.
The day had come.
I travelled to meet Him, thinking all the way, I hope this goes well, thinking back over the HOURS of chat we had done, the video calls, the voice chat, hoping He showed up, hoping He would feel the same as I did when I got there.
We had discussed what would happen both during and after, how we would communicate our interest in each other...I had made my intentions clear, I would NOT be making a decision straight away, I wished to come home...sleep on it, make sure this is what would be right for me. He understood why I felt that way and supported my decision.
We met. Had coffee. Went for a walk. Talked. Chatted. Talked some more.
All the time, here was me thinking, could I?, is this what I wanted? is HE what I want?
There seemed to be a part of me that had an instant trust for Him, I KNEW that I could trust my body with Him, that He would never deliberately harm me, hurt is relative, pain is part of the BDSM lifestyle that I was looking for...not the OMG Im broken pain, but the sting after the spank on the arse, the hot pleasure of the ropes on my wrists.
Leaving our meeting, I was 90% sure this is what I wanted to do, and was tempted to tell Him there and then.
But the stubborn side of me stood up and insisted I take the night.,..sleep on it.
He had asked me to email Him with my thoughts, any questions, so we could chat, discuss and resolve them together.
Was a short list........no real issues, I had woken with the decision that this is something I wanted to do, that I knew I had met someone I could trust with my body, someone I could fully submit to.
Work called before I could submit my request to Him, the request that He would consider me for His Consideration Collar.
I struggled with the wording, knowing I wanted to get it right, knowing He expected more than a yes, I want to.
The hardest part was there was no reading I could do here, there was no guidance on how this was supposed to happen...was all my responsibility, my feelings, my inner thoughts and my hopes for our relationship.
No standard form I could fill in, no multiple choice....just me
Dear Sir,
This letter is my formal request to you. I wish for you to allow me the privilage of wearing your Collar of Consideration.
In requesting this collar, I wish to show you to the best of my abilty, that I can be the submissive you wish me to be, that I will openly and honestly gift you with my trust and my body.
I offer you this request to show you that I consider this my committment to you, and to the relationship we will share of Master and sub.
Should you accept my request, from this day forward, I am yours and will obey, honor, respect and trust in you and the relationship we shall have, to the best of my ablilty.
I look forward to committing to you and hope that we can travel this journey together.
I can go to bed this night....PROUD to call him Master....PROUD to be called girl...His girl
and I just need to work out how to take full length photos of myself, with no one here to help..... to complete my first task, to show Master, that I am willing to do as He asks of me, even when it may mean taking 500 photos to try and get the 5 He has requested ;)
goodnight all
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