Caught in a school uniform...kinky style...

I blogged in my last post that I missed the control by way of tasks.

Sir hasn't been one (in the past) to assign me tasks. And it is something I do occasionally miss, but more often than not am grateful for.
While I enjoyed the finished product so to speak, more often than not I found them to be time consuming when I didn't have time, and distracting when I was busy.

Yes, I am aware this is probably sounding like the complete opposite of what I have said in a few recent posts, but it comes after some soul searching about which tasks I liked and which I hated.

I did enjoy the simple tasks, the writing on the body, the denial of underwear, things that were easily done in a second during the day.
The others...meh, not so much.

Sir text me today that He was horny, so, in usual Sassy style, I took a pic of my tits with "this help?" written on my abdomen.
I was in a provocative mood..so sue me.

Texts when back and forth for a little while, and one contained the idea that we could cam online together...this was me eager to watch Sir touching His cock, and watching Him cum for me...something I love.

I then hinted I was prepared to stay home tonight from a casual get together that was organised if He wanted to make the drive to my place.....more teasing, I know.

It was like a switch had been flipped, I then was instructed to take a pic of me fingering my cunt, while wearing a school dress, and it just so happens, I have one of those I save for special occasions.

Task underway, I went to the bedroom with my iPhone and Laptop and got changed, leaving off the underwear and did as I was told.
The next instruction was to find my oldest bra and put it on.
Cutting the cups to make a peephole bra was the idea, as I soon found out.
Pic sent, I was then told to finger myself, and report as to how wet I was.
I guess by this point you could have called it 'sexting'

Before I knew it, I had porn on the laptop, phone in hand, texting Sir while playing with my cunt.

I heard the front door open and dived for my dressing gown, thinking in horror I was about to have to explain why I was wearing a peep hole bra, no panties, a short SHORT, unbuttoned school dress and white socks an hour before I had to collect the kids from school.
I just had a hand on the gown and Sir appeared at the bedroom door.

Unceremoniously thrown back on the bed, I was then shown who was Boss, and what happens when you tease and poke a sleeping bear.

A surprise visit, some rough sex, some knife play to remove my bra, and the result was me needing a shower before school pick up.

I think Sir found out today why I love those pic tasks so much, and He saw first hand what it does to me.

3 small things....

In a conversation with a friend today, we discussed her views on BDSM, and all that encompasses.
For her, there is 3 definable aspects, Psychological, Physical and Domestic.

The physical comes with and/or without sex dependant on who she is playing with. (As far as I know, Hubs is reserved the right to the sex part.) It can be beatings, spankings, needles and other assorted things, but it is not the act as such, more the mind space the actions place her in.

The domestic is something I have had little experience with. It is the responsibilities of maintaining her home. Being expected to do certain things around the house, or as she puts it "making sure she is not an all around lazy fuck"

The psychological is the ability to allow someone to play inside your mind. And finding someone who is a. actually able to stimulate you enough psychologically, and b. be someone you trust enough to allow to roam around in there can be a monumental effort in itself.

She feels lost because she finds herself in a place where she is getting bits and pieces of those things from varying places, in differing people.

It got me thinking..... Is it possible to get all three components from one person?

I am sure somewhere, someone has all three in their lives, but are they completely fulfilled with what they have? or are they so desensitised to kink and all things BDSM that they too crave something more?

I get the physical...with sex.
I am curious as to what the physical may be like without sex, but I don't play with others, so that is something I will discuss with Sir.

The domestic I get a touch of in a bizarre kind of way.
Between Sir and I, we have 5 kids, so I am always conscious of cleaning as I go when they are all around, I am also just as happy to sit on the couch and fold His washing when we are alone and He is watching TV or playing on the interwebz with the boys.
My one and only task domestic wise is to change the doona (quilt) covers. It is Sir's pet hate, which makes me feel useful, which it a trigger for me to feel like I have pleased Him.
But ultimately, because we do not share a house, my house is my responsibility and He feels that His house is His responsibility.

The psychological, well that is a hard one for me.
While I am very aware that Sir will always be one step ahead of me in this department, I sometimes feel like that part is something I don't have outside the times we play.
I am probably wrong (usually am) He probably plays with my head so gently I don't even see it, or He (as suggested to me) may be playing in such a manner that it is building slower than I have been used to, OR I am right (there's a first) and He isn't dipping in there at all unless we are playing.

Which brings me to having a D/s relationship over a distance, and the 'in-between' times.

I have blogged many a time about being controlled, feeling it, and the days where I struggle. My last post was about me feeling like I am missing something.

It is the control. But it is also the mind fuck. And by mind fuck, I don't mean hours of talk, or pushing boundaries, for me it can be as simple as

"Go write X on your tits and text/email me a pic, you have 15 minutes"

or

"Get the buttplug and wear it to collect the kids from school"

or

"Masturbate for as long as it takes you to get to the edge, then text me for permission to cum"

or

anything He chooses that I can physically do that puts me in the submissive mind set.

To me, the mind fuck is the trigger that switches me from the capable, assertive, intelligent woman I am, to the submissive woman.
It can be one sentence - typed, emailed,  a few words - spoken, whispered or yelled, or it can be long conversations.

It is the content, and the person behind the content, not the act.

A stranger can tell me to send a pic of my tits and they get a 'fuck off' in response.

If Sir said it, I would melt, hurry to obey and feel all squishy and clenchy inside in an instant.

The whole thing is a journey of learning.
What grossed me out and pushed my boundaries a year ago, now seems like an everything day to do and doesn't provide the spark of breathless excitement it used to. Part of that is that before...everything was new and like a honeymoon phase of a relationship, everything is new and exciting. And the other part of that is I have come to love things that I thought I would hate. And the breathless excitement used to be with fear, and now it is a sigh of pleasure at what is to come.

I don't think everyone can find all the things they need in the ways they wish it from the one person.. I think it is about compromise. Finding the things you HAVE to have, getting those from the person you love the most and compromising on the rest.

The few things I will never compromise on are

a. Sir in my life, by my side, and in my heart.
b. Being someone's priority and not an option.
c. Being valued for who and what I am.

Thank God those are things I have in my life now.
Even on the bad days, those things make me smile.

Another communication fuckup..

I am guilty of the crime of keeping things to myself.

Is it wrong that I am hoping for a little home brand incarceration??
Ropes, handcuffs...maybe a blindfold or something??

I have failed in the one thing I actually thought I had managed to get my head around.

Communication.

I posted a couple of weeks ago that Sir and I needed some more communication.
That was when I was imagining Him lying serenely in bed, recuperating from surgery.
A car accident prior, a collapsed lung, my frantic travelling made any sort of serious communication about D/s a secondary issue for me. And I am guessing it was the last thing Sir was thinking about as well.

We have just had a weekend alone for the first time in over a month.
Bliss....pure bliss.
No cooking.
No cleaning.
A day out on the new motorcycle.
And some serious vegging out on the couch.

It wasn't until Sir had gone home and left me all sulky on the couch that I realised I had missed my best opportunity for that serious discussion.

He called me on it last night.
It started from a discussion about the stress levels we have dealt with lately.
I remarked to Sir that he should probably be grateful I wasn't there with Him, and the reason for that is I was skirting that fine line between danger and absolute brattiness.
I called Sir a fucking asshole once, and was punished with a crop.
Last night I was in the same mood.

After our chat, Sir tasked me with a writing assignment.
To explain to Him more about the mental side of my submission.

It took me most of the day to come up with something I was happy with.
I am still not convinced I explained the side of it that Sir wanted to know, but I did try.

I am guessing my writing is the tip of the iceberg on this issue.
And that we will be discussing it further when we get time in person.

But I did learn something today...that even when I do not realise it, that I hide things, keep things to myself. That a small part of me is still scared about giving Him the things I have never given anyone before.....all of my emotions, access to the inner me, the whole part of me I had never given anyone access to before.

I need to learn to communicate better.

Communication is on the menu...

Today was the first time I have ever reached out to my ex-Dom since we parted last year.

I felt a little like something was off centre, I knew it was something I couldn't explain to Sir. I didn't know myself what my issue was, so explaining it to Sir was nigh on impossible. So I reached out to my ex-Dom.
He knew/knows me well, he reads me well, and I have no hesitation in thinking that he would have known something was up just be the simple fact that I searched him out rather than the other way around.

After the Fucktoy post, he popped up on my YIM for a chat. We have spoken twice since then, so we are not chatting often, not even once a week, but we are in touch.
And even though I thought it would never happen, its nice. Its nice and it is odd in it's own way. I don't know what to call him, his name doesn't feel right, but neither does the word Master any more, so it is usually just Hi and goodbye, no names. Its telling to me that I get the same in return, no names, no kitty, none of my real name, just Hi or a Hey you :)

Having me pop up on his computer screen would have told him something was going on. I did wish for a mini spy cam to see if he rolled his eyes at my use of the term 'spaz out' but I knew he would understand the head space I was in.

What the chat determined was.... I was craving submission.

I am always Sir's submissive... ALWAYS, but.... midweek I am just me, I have no tasks, no rules, yes, we have regular contact with each other, daily, and multiple times, text message, ph calls, instant chat, emails...there is never a day that goes by that we don't have contact. But there are no expectations midweek.
It is not something I have consciously thought about up until now, but I miss tasks.
insert eye roll here
I am not sure I can effectively explain what tasks mean to me, but I will give it a go.

They are small things I did, at the request of my ex- Dom, which were designed to please him and from that, I got a feeling of serving, a connection of the submission, doing something that is not my choice, at a time determined by someone else...it is a way I felt connected, even over a long distance.

Here is where I admit that I used to resent tasks, they always seemed to be at a time that was inconvenient, kids home, visitors coming over, something always made me feel like I wanted to put it off til the last minute I could... but in the end, I always felt a sense of accomplishment when I had completed them. I didn't always get a reaction, sometimes I wondered if they were even received, but I could always take a deep breath, feel like I had accomplished something that would please him after they were done.

Some were photographic, some written, some physical, they varied. I don't presume to know whether there is some sort of Domly type master list of submissive tasks, randomly selected when needed, or whether they are individual to the submissive, chosen to enhance the submission, bridge the distance and maintain the contact and connection. And really, it makes little difference either way, the fact is, they do bridge the gap, maintain the connection and more importantly, they open lines of communication that are sometimes not breached any other way. Written tasks often are of a topic chosen by the Dominant, designed to make the submissive think about something that they wouldn't normally, perhaps research a new scene, a new toy, or investigate something not yet discussed.

This used to get one of two reactions in me. The first possible reaction was that I found something that I was eager to try, the second that I found something that put the fear of God in me...something I knew would push a limit, break through a boundary that was as yet, not breached. Both reactions had me concentrating on submission, thinking about how to communicate my reactions and maintaining a connection when time apart is hard.

But the point of the whole post is I am craving some submission, and I know my Sir well enough to know that if He were here, He would see the look on my face, His instincts would tell Him I needed something, be it a hand in my hair, a whispered word in my ear....just Something!!

This week coming, there will be very little play for us, winter here seems more hectic than summer, but I have the feeling this week we may get back to more of the talk we had when we first began, wants, dislikes, expectations and wants v's needs.

I have talked to Sir briefly about my craving, explained as best I could, but there is a need for a better explanation on my behalf.. I know I didn't effectively convey the feelings and the mental space I was in at the time.

Yet again, it highlights to me that communication is one of the single most important things in a BDSM relationship.

More communication coming right up......

One year on...

I have thought about this particular blog post for a few weeks now...knowing the date would come quicker than I could think of anything to write. And I am still not entirely sure I know what I want to say, so please excuse me for the rambling and the tears.

Today is one year to the date since I started this blog, which was also the day I was owned for the first time.

Part of me is wishing I had spent the day with Him, celebrating a year of crazy madness. But since we didn't make the full year, that was never going to happen.

Part of me is thankful for the year I have had. While I have a few downs, overall, it has been a great year. I have learnt more about myself than I ever knew I would, met wonderful people, and had a fantastic journey.

The other part of me is the bitch part and I have done my best to duct tape her to the bottom side of the couch as I am not sure I could control her once I released her.

In the last few days, there have been some hurtful words spoken on both sides, and I am thinking while he has never said it outright, that this is it. No more contact at all.

I have packed up the box of things, and put them away, that is something I did weeks ago when he refused to take the collar back, as well as the other things. This time I have wrapped the box up and placed it at the back where I cannot see it and need to make an effort to get it out.

So it has been a big year for me, and I can see the next few months being another whole new journey beginning for me in that I have some surgery coming up to get my body back to somewhere close to normal I hope, and after that who knows who I will meet or what will happen.

Thank you to my awesome friends who supported me on this journey, you all know who you are.

For Him  who was my Master..I have one last song for you, maybe you will listen to the words and REALLY pay attention, it may explain to you the things I seemingly couldn't.

Here it is. I hope it makes you think the same way it makes me think when I hear it.

missing things...

The idea of not blogging about certain things is not that I think I should censor what I write, or that there are things that just shouldn't be blogged about, it was more that now that I have attended a kink event, and people I met there I have added to fetlife, and those same people read my blog.

Now that in itself is not an issue for me, I love that people read my blog, the issue is if I met someone, and mentioned that same person on here, that those people may or may not know who I am talking about.

Starting a new journey with someone different, or making the beginnings of a new friendship can be hard enough as it is, without broadcasting all the bits that are hard, confusing and exciting.

I know I have people I can talk to about those things, both online,  and in person, but sometimes writing down different things can also help me work through the confusion.

So the not blogging about specifics is not for my benefit, its more about protecting the innocent so to speak.

Not everyone wants to know that the whole world is watching, reading about your life, the things you say and do.

In the meantime, I am craving submission and sex.

I miss not feeling like I belong to someone.

And of all the things, that feeling is the hardest, as that is/was the one thing I struggled with in the beginning....knowing I would BELONG to someone, that I would be OWNED.
I am a big girl...I can do all the things I want to do on my own, I can look after myself, I can do what needs to be done, I DO NOT need a man in my life to do those things, and yet I miss being owned, belonging to someone, I miss tasks, I miss hearing what would be done to me. I miss a lot of things.



For those who commented, namely Maui girl and sg, if you guys want to read the private blog, I have no issue with that, I just need email addy's to add you to the list of approved.
I know you two have valuable input, and always help clear things up a little, and the fact that you both have no idea who it is that I am blogging about.....solves that issue xx

a message of my own..

My week of no contact is about to be over, and I must say, while I have not struggled this time, I am ready for the week to be over.

My inner slut re-appeared just before Master went away again, and I am glad she hung around this time, rather than stowing away in His luggage.

That could have something to do with being put on webcam, stripped naked and made to do.....all sorts of stuff.

I was also left with the instruction that each day I was to write on my body beneath my clothes and take a full length naked pic, and each night I was to have time becoming acquainted with the butt plug. With the daily pic of the writing on my body, I was also instructed to insert a "largish" item and take a pic.

I am getting better on the camera I must say, I used to take a million pics just to get a couple that are not blurred, now I get them done, little edits and voila!!

The writings on my body have varied between "SLUT" and "HIS KITTY" and others in between.

Today was the last day I had specific instructions on what to write, which means that tomorrow, which is the last day of no contact that I am not required to write, pic, insert or use the butt plug.
After 6 days, its become habit to write, pic, get dressed, head to work.....it will feel slightly odd tomorrow to NOT do as I was asked for the last week, especially since I still wont have any contact.

Soooo, today's words are "Open For Master" and the "largish" item of the day is bought to you by the largest banana I could buy at the grocery store.

And tomorrow....... well I might just surprise Master with a "word of the day" of my own... a private message from me to Him.

I am His slut....

There is nothing like the impending loss of someone wonderful in your life to make you think about things.

I have someone very important to me, terminally ill, and as of today, they are not expected to live more than the next 24 hours.

It is making me reflect on my life, what I have done with it, how I have made that person proud of me, what I want in the future and what comes next.

I know, over the next little while, I am having to cope with being a single parent, with both children involved in various sports and hobbies, I have my job, my volunteer work, and for a little while, I have extra work on top, and I do all this knowing I am fitting in a funeral before too long.

For the last week, I have been the emotional woman that I am normally NOT.
I have cried at the drop of a hat.
Even typing that sentence is bringing tears to my eyes, and I am FAR from the girly girl who cries at the toilet paper ad's on TV.

D/s is my release. It allows me to be the hidden me, the me that no one sees day to day.
Having a session with Master allows me to hand over all control to someone I trust. All the bills, kids, life worries and everything else can get left at the door, and for those few hours,  I can just be told, ordered, asked, please, beg and submit to His every whim.
There is no yelling, no washing, no bills to be paid, no one to chauffeur around to a football game or what not.
There is just Him and me, and whatever the mood brings.

Of all the times I DONT  have time to fit in a session, this is the time I REALLY want one.

All I want to do is give up that control, forget the outside world, forget trying to work at one place and run a business on the side, forget I have responsibilities. Forget that sometime soon I have to say goodbye to someone I love dearly.

With all that is going on in my life, it is getting harder and harder to remember I am His kitty, tasks are not something I am expecting, Master knows how totally insane my life is at the moment, some days I feel like I dont have 5 minutes to scratch my arse, let alone lock myself in a room to take pics, or to masturbate for X amount of time, and while I am eternally grateful of His understanding, I am also missing tasks. They are the reminder for me that I am HIS kitty, when I can't be near Him physically. I know He has different motivation behind the tasks, and the end result is always for His pleasure, seeing me do different things, knowing I am doing as asked, whatever the case may be, but for me, besides that I do them to please Him, I also do them to remind me of what I am.

I am His submissive slut.

I am the strong one, I am the one every one loads with tasks so they can have their moment to grieve, I am the one who does everything, I am the one who can't and doesn't say no to helping them, I am the one who holds it all together, maintaining a brave face, letting them do what they need to, I am the one everyone turns to, but for Him, I am just His slut, His kitty, His submissive, and I can be NOT the one in control.

In this horrid time of having to take control over so many things, all I am wishing for is to be able to give up that control......just for a little while.

control me...

For some reason, I have had control on the brain since Friday last week when I was ordered to wear the butt plug out to a lunch date with my mother.


I also had "Master's Cunt" written across the pubic bone above a freshly waxed pussy.


I was horny all day.


I have had horny moments over the last 7 weeks, but I havent spent a WHOLE day horny like that since before Master went away.


It got me thinking about control....and I am not entirely sure I can effectively explain the thoughts going on in my head, but I will give it my best shot.


Control...as per a dictionary is listed as...
1. To exercise authoritative or dominating influence over; direct.
2. To adjust to a requirement; regulate: 
3. To hold in restraint; check: 
4. To reduce or prevent the spread of: 


Well, there is no denying Master does the first, anyone else who told me to wear a butt plug would get told to fuck off quick smart.


The second is my job I guess, although I had never actually though about it like that before.


The third is part of my submission, that I am held, and hold myself in restraint e.g Holding my sassy mouth shut.


I am not sure the fourth holds much meaning in what I have had in my head lately, but I am sure it must fit in there somewhere. All it brings to mind is wearing a face mask to prevent the spread of some exotic yet deadly cough or some such thing.


Master exercising His Dominance over me in small ways, is seemingly (from MY point of view only) more appealing and makes it easier for me to FEEL owned.
When I have writing over my body, while at work, serving customers who have no idea that this "normal" looking middle aged woman turns into a dirty slut, who has "nasty" words written all over her body, who has wet panties from being turned on all day knowing she is pleasing someone miles away just by doing as asked without complaint, it makes my breath come faster, it makes me wetter, and it makes me smile.
It is the same when I get an unexpected order in the middle of a day to do something "naughty" and they can be as simple as taking a pic with my phone while at work, hiding in the bathroom and knowing I have to rub my clit for X time and not cum, to wear a butt plug out in public....the all invoke the same reactions....an adrenaline hit...a rush.....again, its like the addict in me getting a hit.


Even something as simple as being told to not wear panties on a particular day, its all the same. It is a hit, a rush.


When I dont get any sort of control...I get itchy...like I am craving something and not sure what will ease it.
There is nothing I can do to help myself ease the craving, there is no magic word/food/drink/task/mantra or anything else. Even speaking to other Doms doesnt ease it, depending on who they are, they can do one of two things...they can either distract me long enough that I forget I am craving it (good to point out here, that forgetting will only last the length of the conversation, its not a FORGET forget) OR they are idiot Doms who I tell to get lost and then the cravings intensify, all because I remember how wonderful He is and that it is HIM that owns me, and therefore controls me.


I am under no illusions that each of my tasks are there for a specific purpose, whether it be teaching me to look at things from a different point of view, to make me sit and think about my reaction to something, and how it could have been different, to get me horny, or more importantly to please Master in ways I am still yet to understand.


Of all the things I think about, WHY it pleases Master is often the LAST thing I think about, the why is not as important to me as the HAVE, as in I HAVE pleased Him.


I can look back now...with having had 2 weeks contact with Master since his return, that the control was one of  the things I missed the most....and that a lot of my issues over His emails, were not because they werent long and lengthy, full of news about far away places I couldnt see, it was because in the back of my mind, each time I saw there was an email there,

 I had a hope that it would contain something that would control me.

cleaning the bloody junk drawer..

Who knew the comment about Master being "nearly broken in" would get me punished.......


Apparently, everybody but me.


I have the nickname Sassy for a reason....the cheeky comments tend to flow quicker than the fingers can keep up some days....not so much others.


The above comment got me punished.


An overhaul of the cutlery drawer and the utensil drawer, which is otherwise known in my home as the junk drawer.


Oh joy.


Along with my punishment, I was also instructed to sleep in only Master's shirt and panties for 3 nights, to use the hitachi each night before bed AND when just on the verge of orgasm, I was to bite my free arm, then I was free to cum.


I managed 6 months without being punished and I copped it twice in one week.


Which idiot sub whinged about not enough Dominance??? Uh huh....me. Well, I aint whinging now.


And as much as I am NOT looking forward to the next few weeks while we are so busy, I AM actually looking forward to an email every night. 


I wonder what creative punishment I will get next time I blog something inappropriate.


Or I could do as the fucker recommended...give Master a little more me, a little more submission, and a little less sassy.


I am going to ponder that one a little more, I know Master likes me the way I am, but on the flip side, I also want to be a better submissive than I am.......but where is there a comfortable line I wonder??? Hmmmm

the QUEEN of compromise..

Ok.

I can do this.

As much as I have been disappointed lately, I disappointed Master also.

Neither of us have had a lot of time, which has made for rushed conversations about nothing....and those are the kind I hate.

I am a straight down the line kind of girl...give it to me blunt, let me get used to it, and then I can process it.

Unfortunately, that is also the way I deal with other people in my life, give it to them blunt, give them time to process it, then we chat again.
Not always a good way to be...but it is me, and the only way I know, and quite frankly...too bad if you don't.

Master and I had a chat this morning, I know when I logged on, I never expected quite the chat we did have, but when it was all said and done, I am soooo glad we did.

Neither of us are going to have time to be the way we are used to being together for a little while, and I know it has been suggested that I find a Master who has more time, can be available more.

FUCK THAT

I like the one I have...He is nearly broken in. *ducks*


On many occasions I have struggled to tell Him I am pissed off with Him, or disappointed over something.
I think today we managed between us to come up with a way I can do this.

I was allowed to remove my collar TEMPORARILY and spill my guts so to speak.
As in...speak freely without thoughts of how do I say this or that and still sound submissive.
Well bugger me...did that free me up.
Out it spilled....

When I had finished my little rant..I put my collar back on figuratively and I felt better.
I had told Him why I was disappointed, and pissed off...bawled like a baby the whole time, but I did it, and after I felt better.


I wanted to try and make His life as easy as I can for the next few weeks, but I also knew unless I got those things off my chest I would explode and cause more trouble in the long run.
I suggested that until things calm down more that we find a compromise of sorts.
I am the QUEEN of compromise....there is middle ground for almost every situation. It just takes two to be honest about their needs and find something in the middle.
I NEED His contact in some form or another...and I NEED it to be Dominating and/or Instructional.
HE NEEDS me to be uncomplicated, not disappointed and NOT demanding.

I suggested rather than sit and chit chat all day, have me interrupting Him, and me getting nothing done while I wait for his meeting/phone call/client/or whatever else to finish, that we try a daily email to each other...JUST until things settle down and then review it again.

He sends an email of an evening...outlining SOMETHING I have to do over night. Can be major or minor, as long as it is making me concentrate on HIM, Me and My submission to Him...a task if you will.
As involved or as simple as He likes...this is not my choice.. I need it to be HIS CHOICE.
oh yeah...and He promised me He will manage more than 3 lines.

Then....I have to have an email on His desk before He begins work...something to make Him smile before the hectic day takes over. His morning dose of vitamin kitty.

Then...we have each had time thinking of the other...and please dont get me wrong here, but that is one of the things I have found I have needed the most in this LDR. The need to know that for a small portion of His day...somewhere along the line, that I have His attention...undivided attention.

As much as I grimace when I hear "Rome wasn't built in a day" or "Look to the positive"
I am sure Master does the same when I say "I would rather have 30 minutes of attention, than 2 minutes here and there while you are between calls" or " I can do anything, so long as I know you still want me"

This way..I know at some point He has sat and thought of me, of something I can do to please Him, have that mental connection, AND He knows I am HIS submissive, who has that time doing as He pleases, in ways that He chooses.

ok...so not an ideal way to do things, but its temporary...until things calm down for both of us.

So I guess...maybe for the next little while...my blogs might be about my tasks, how I felt and why.

But whatever you do...please know this....

I SMILED THE WHOLE TIME I WROTE THIS

oh yeah....AND....

the inner slut poked her head up today...something about wearing a butt plug while having lunch with my mother, and knowing that under my jeans was the writing I had been instructed to place there this morning, just made her pop up and smile at me.....maybe she will come back after all.

Slut....

I think I have an inner slut....and an outer one.

The outer slut has been around forever..its her fault I lost my virginity in a one night stand at age 16.
Its her fault the majority of my sexual partners have been one night stands.
Its HER that goes out in short skirts and 5 inch heels sometimes.
Its her that flirts
She is bossy...sometimes to the point of being a Domme.
She favors whips and handcuffs when teasing men.
She knows what she wants...and gets it

the inner slut....well, now She is a totally different story.

I didnt know she existed until I met Master.
She does pretty much anything He asks of her.
She is totally submissive to HIM
Its her that got nipples pierced
Its her that bought the butt plugs and the hitachi.
Its her that plays with Master.
Nobody except Him has ever seen her.

Its starting to make me wonder if I dont have mental issues.

Master has changed my tasks while He is away.
I am to email Him with my sluttiest thought of the day after touching my clit and playing with my cunt.

I have an issue.

I cant find the inner slut.

She has pissed off on me...disappeared...possibly even stowed away in His luggage.

The outer slut cant complete the tasks...to her, the sluttiest thought would be teasing some poor guy down the pub....possibly taking him home and fucking his brains out. Not exactly submissive huh?

It is the inner slut I need to do this task...its her that does things to please Him.

If you see her wandering the streets...looking lost. Please smack her on the arse and send her home...I desperately need her where she belongs.

while He is gone....

I have my tasks to do while Master is away.

There are not a lot, and they don't take up too much time, but in their own way, I am finding them very frustrating.

I have to send Him an email FIRST thing in the morning, consisting of a SINGLE word, mind you....all before the first coffee....arghhhhhh

Then, a TWO word email after the first coffee......I am guessing He knows I don't wake up real well in the mornings.

30 Minutes with the butt plug in before bed every night.

and finally...a THREE word email directly before bed.

Just to explain why I am finding this so damn hard......we talked for hours most days, about anything and everything, if I was grumpy, somehow something He said would make me smile. Now I get a grand fucking total of SIX words per day to tell Him how I am feeling, when all I really want to do is write a big long email, telling Him all the things that are happening, how I am feeling, and most of all....

HOW MUCH I MISS HIM

countdown....

I am on the countdown before Master leaves the country.

I have about 48 hours left, and most of that He will be busy getting things ready to be away from work and packing all those last minute things.

I have my list of rules and tasks.

I have my friend who shall be hereby known as MF, and NO thats not short for Mother Fucker...although I think I did call him a fucker the other night in the errrrrmmmm heat of the moment.

He is MY FRIEND and I couldnt think of anything more suitable than that.

But as wonderful as MF is....nothing is going to replace Master while he is uncontactable.

Its the daily D/s I am going to miss the most.

It worries me that I may slip in my submission and Master may come home to a cheeky sub who has to pull her head back in.

The coming weeks are going to be the true test of my submission. It is going to take everything inside me to hold onto it.

I will miss you MY Master.

cupcake saga.....

Just-Kinky turned 2 this weekend.

To celebrate, there is BIG birthday celebrations, including a photo competition.

I asked Master at dinner on Tuesday night if I could have permission to post a picture in the comp.

This resulted in...." Yes you may, BUT, you have to pose like this........and another one of you posed like this......."

Inside my head I went "How the fuck do you think I can take that without help??"

What came out of my mouth was "Yes Master"
sighs

So I baked the Chocolate Velvet Cupcake, with chocolate butter cream icing, and this morning I attempted to take a pic.

I was on skype voice chat with a wonderful friend, who sat there and listened to me swear and curse when i couldnt get the cupcake balanced on the small of my back, while naked on the couch on my hands and knees.

Then I got it there, candles lit, and moved to press the button on the camera and ended up toppling the cupcake, and getting a burn and candle wax on me, and icing on the couch.

Enter VERY bad language from my mouth.

My friend offered to take the pic for me using screenshot on skype...while I am banned from camming naked with anyone, I knew Master would rather have me cam with a woman and not get hurt, so off we went.

2 pics later, and my back is still stinging.

But the pics are done, and up in the gallery, and I had fun, hmmmm, the candle wax is still stinging my back, and I am wishing Master would ring and tell me He will be here in an hour to help me with this small issue I now have..............

it is the smell that gets me.....

yesterday......


Master: are you at work?


kitty: no I am at home


Master: ok


kitty: was there something you wanted me to do Master?


Master: in the next two days
I would like you to carry out some research
to look at BDSM pictures and copy the URL of those that you really like


kitty: ok Master


Master: 2) Tomorrow evening take 5 pictures


kitty: of anything in particular??


Master: yes
however on this occasion I will not tell you
you WILL know instinctively


kitty: I will know??


Master: yes


kitty: I think you over estimate my abilities some times


Master: this time my kitty you need to have trust in ME 


kitty: some days all you do is confuse me
today is one of those days


Master: yes and tomorrow night you will have clarity
just don't dwell on it
and await tomorrow NIGHT


kitty: ok MY Master, no dwelling and trust happening, but please dont think I am not still confused


Master: yes I know you are
it is my intention to be a little confusing today


kitty: hhhmmmppff


Master: lol


a message I found this morning.....

Master:  Hey there
I was just about to leave the office ..........
just wanted to wish you a couple of days full of smiles and smells
take care and chat soon
your Master



I have spent the day too busy to think about what this all meant, I just knew that tonight I have a couple of tasks to do.
Arriving home after work, I could see a parcel poking from the letterbox.
I grinned to myself, knowing who it would be from, and insatiably curious as to what might be in it.

This time, curiosity beat the nerves, and I didn't even get out of the car, just rolled down the window and reached out to remove the parcel, opening it there and then with my teeth, car still running....

As soon as I opened the bag even slightly with my teeth, I could smell Him.
I knew without a doubt what was in there without even seeing it.

I must have looked like someone who belongs on the short bus as I sat there with my nose stuck into a plastic post bag, sniffing like a junkie needing a fix.

I wonder if He wants the pics of me in His shirt, sans underwear and with the 5 inch heels?? or with the plain cotton panties and the pigtails happening.......

Either way, I know I will be wearing it to bed tonight, but I wont every night......what would I do when the smell is gone???

the latest task....

My latest task was to go to class, and every 30 minutes, excuse myself to use the bathroom, where I was instructed to use a vibrator for 3 minutes.

I was running late, and although I never question my tasks, I do sometimes point out limitations I know He cannot possibly be aware of.

For example, I was asked to complete a pic task, but Master was unaware I was expecting a family member at any moment, and had to leave the house within the hour, so He adjusted the task to fit in an around my life a little better.....that's all well and good, BUT back to the class task.......

I was running late, chucked the vibe into my bag and didnt think twice about doing as I was told..... BUT when I got to class......its a 6 freaking hour class.....thats like 11 trips to the bathroom, and this is a class of all women!!!!

By about the 4th hour, they were taking bets on what was wrong with me...using the bathroom all the time, coming back looking like I was in pain..

OF COURSE I WAS IN FUCKING PAIN.....

3 Minutes is NOT long enough for me to get myself off with a vibe!!!!

That's the first time I have gone to bed in serious pain....and the worst part???? I wasn't sleeping alone...I had a child with me for the night...arghhhhhhhhhh No masturbation for me...sneaking off wasn't even an option.

So today....I am slightly cranky, with a touch of fever, a serious case of needing to be fucked and feeling proud that I completed my task without argument....but wondering how long it will take for me to live down the "silent bladder infection" these women have diagnosed me in having.

disc 2....

the second disc Master gave me, was a follow on from the first disc, same girls, same guys, same story line, it just followed on from the first, BUT it was different......

it was more, and I do mean MORE...

More spankings, more pain, more play, more everything.

I was jealous of the marks the I saw on their bodies, I was jealous of the girl that could deep throat, I sat here pretty much the ENTIRE time wanting what I saw on the screen.

I held off playing with the vibrator this time, I deliberately left it in the bedroom so I wouldnt be tempted to use it.
By the time I had gone to bed, I was wet, Wet, WET.

I didnt want to come while watching it for one simple reason.... my task this weekend is to write a fantasy, I was hoping that, rather than get off on what I could see on the screen, that I would go to bed and think of HIM and I, and get a fantasy going in my head.
Kinda a good idea, cept I was so turned on that I didnt have time to get a fantasy going, that vibrator touched my clit and I was gone for all money.

No time to do more than imagine myself begging Him to let me come, and I was shaking and making a mess.

porn, Porn, PORN.......

Master and I saw each other for 5 minutes today....of course I wished it could have been more, but 5 minutes is better than none.

He gave me another surprise today....He gave me porn back.

I have been missing porn, and I wonder if He gave it to me to stop the whinging, but I am pretty sure He gave it to me for another reason.

He gave me 3 DVD's......of BDSM porn. What a lucky kitty I am tonight......big grin


I knew what I was getting, Master had told me earlier in the week, and me and my smart arse mouth commented "Do I have to write a report?" sighs so now of course I have to write a report for each disc.

So here goes...and might I add, these are MY feelings only, and in no way do I judge those who like what I don't.

Disc 1

(all scores are out of 10 by the way)

4  Watching a woman get Dominated by another woman  
9  The voyeurism of watching through the window          
11 Listening to Him tell her to "suck it, take it etc"            
10 Some of the clothes they were wearing                      
8  Him fucking her up the arse                                        
0  The breath play involved                                            
15 the Hair pulling                                                        
25 the biting                                                                  
11 the spankings (by assorted people)                          
-5 the glass dildo                                                          
....an explanation for this one....the damn dildo was that fucking big she could barely get it in her mouth, and just when I thought she was gonna get it shoved up her cunt....up her arse it went....NO JOKE, my arse is still clenched that damn tight I dont think anything will ever get in there EVER AGAIN. She squealed and I squealed with her!! But lets not forget I am a beginner at anal.

7  the jewelled tipped butt plug  (looks much prettier than mine)
8  watching the drool after seeing one girl get face fucked  
15 watching another girl get tied by the wrists, spanked and her hair pulled  

and last but not least...the damn feet thing                     -100,000,000

God Damn Master...you could have warned me!!!!

Every time I thought I was gonna get myself off, hes making them suck on his goddamn toes!!! BLERK

To summarise, I spent nearly 2 and a half hours watching porn, I came 4 times (would have been more cept for the feet thing) and I am now ACHING to have a play with MY Master.

the stars say it is so....

Recently in a post on Fetlife, there was discussion about Astrological signs, and whether or not they may play a part in why we do what we do.

In that particular group, there seemed to be a lot of women who were Aries, whether this is co-incidence I do not know, but what interested me was a link someone posted.

It allowed you to put in your date, time and place of birth, and it provided you with all sorts of information (for lack of a better word) about yourself, and why you are the way you are.

Mine was almost jawdroppingly accurate.

Rising Sign is in 21 Degrees Gemini 
Extremely active by nature, you like to get around, meet people and do different things. Very restless, you just can't seem to stay put. You need to be involved in several projects at once in order to keep your mind stimulated. You like to read books and to write letters and to talk -- constantly. Seemingly ageless, you will always appear to be much younger than you really are. Very adaptable and inquisitive, you are always open to new ideas and experiences. A "jack-of-all-trades", you are lively and versatile. Because of the high nervous tension that you always seem to have, athletic activity would be a good way for you to burn off energy. But be careful of a tendency to experience things only superficially -- try to dig in and absorb things at a deeper level. 


Those people that read my blog and know me in person, will be laughing about now....this is so me its scary.


I do not sit still well, I wonder whether this is why I like my tasks so much, no matter what I have going on in my life, by adding those, He keeps me occupied, and I find less time to fret and worry over things.


Sun is in 17 Degrees Aries. 
By nature, you are very energetic and high-spirited. You are fiercely independent -- you must be first in everything you do, and you enjoy taking risks. You are the one who will rush in where angels fear to tread. Quite brilliant at initiating new projects, you are terrible at following them through to completion. You are an enthusiastic leader but you tend to be a reluctant follower. Often you are quick to anger, but you usually recover just as fast, regretting later things you said when you were upset. One of your best traits is that you are simple and direct, blunt and honest -- just be careful you do not hurt others' feelings. Your need to be competitive at all costs may provoke resistance from others, but, as long as you maintain your usual Sunny good humor, this should not prove to be a major problem for you. 


I do enjoy taking risks...why the hell do you think I am sitting here with a leather collar around my neck and pigtails in my hair?? LOL


I can see Masters smile at reading the "reluctant follower" bit, this might explain a LOT.


Venus is in 23 Degrees Taurus. 
You are known to be a warm and affectionate person, and you tend to form long- lasting attachments. The reverse of this is that you can also be quite possessive once you have made a commitment. The beauty, luxury and comfort of your surroundings are important to you and you will devote much time and energy to making your home just right. Beware of your tendency toward self-indulgence, especially with respect to eating incorrectly. You also need outside stimuli to get you in gear When things come too easily for you, you can be lazy and indolent. 


HOW in the HELL did they know I had chocolate for breakfast!!!


Jupiter is in 04 Degrees Aries. 
The way that you grow and develop is by being an uncompromising individualist. You have a great need to be yourself and to explore your latent talents and abilities. Do not be afraid to let yourself go and develop self-confidence and pride in your accomplishments. But try not to become so self-centered that you ignore the needs of others. Also, you may have to build up your self-discipline in order to focus your energies properly. 


This comment made me think back to wanting my own name......I guess its just me, and the way I am.


Saturn is in 12 Degrees Cancer. 
The most important issue for you is emotional security. You have a deep and gnawing fear that those on whom you depend for emotional support will prove to be unreliable in the long run. When you are unloved and insecure, you distrust others and tend to feel isolated and lonely. Very cool, detached and objective, you can be counted on -- in situations that are inherently stressful or full of tension -- not to lose your self- control. That is a great and welcome gift at such times. 


Well......errrr.....ummmm, shit, what can I say about that one??
My excuse will now be, "its not my fault.....I was born like it"


N. Node is in 01 Degrees Sagittarius. 
You will probably have many different contacts and acquaintances throughout your life. You're quite gregarious by nature and your natural curiosity about others lets you take the lead in forming new relationships. You'll form close ties with those who have similarly idealistic ideas -- especially those who can stimulate you intellectually in your chosen field of interest. Your enthusiasm for learning new things may also cause you to do quite a bit of traveling. Because you probably will have many wide-ranging interests and concerns, you most likely will have contacts and connections in various parts of the country (or world). 


All I need now is a sugar daddy to provide the financial means to get around the world to meet all my friends....on second thoughts...a daddy is not something that appeals greatly, maybe I will just have to take a 4th job and save better.


This was only part of the information I got...to post it all would take forever and be the longest blog in history, needless to say, what I didnt post wasnt as exciting as what I did post.


Wonder if I can convince Master to do His so I can peek on the inside...........