Thursday, March 29, 2012

Pull my hair just one more time......

I have been reading things a little differently lately. As in, I get on Fetlife most days, and read threads about BDSM, the whole D/s dynamic and I always have, but lately it seems to be sinking in differently.

A thread this morning about hair pulling and what other subs thought of having hair pulled made me sit and think about the times I have had mine yanked.

It can be as simple as a handful, held tight, pulling at the scalp, just to remind me HE has control, or it can be a fistful while being fucked doggy from behind, getting things a bit rougher, it can be being led by the hair to be placed in a position that pleases Him, is is many different kinds of things, but each and every one of them turn me on.
There is something primal that appeals to me about having His hands in my hair, whether it hurts or not, there is always the reminder of His control.

Collars, Cuffs and Restraints.
Another subject that gets me going...
Sir surprised me with a Collar some weeks ago, it is something I sleep in every night He is not beside me. It is an unusual collar, and not one I had ever seen before. Black leather, with rings that join the leather sections, but it dips in the front, almost like a necklace. It is almost an inch thick, so not something that nilla people would find normal around my neck at all, but something about the difference of it appeals to me.
I love that it sits differently. the weight of it around my neck reminds me of who owns me, but it is not restrictive on my throat. And the more I wear it, the softer it is becoming, like a favourite pair of boots.
Cuffs are something we are still working on. I have skinny wrists, which mean that skinny cuffs often are loose and cut in on my wrists, and there comes a point where the pain in the wrists overtakes the pain I feel elsewhere, and my brain focuses on the wrists and not the sensations elsewhere in my body.

I have friends locally who are kinky, and I would pop over for a coffee and a catch up, only to find her dressed as He wished, this was without a doubt always with wrist and ankle cuffs. She wore them with ease, they were on so often they became part of her routine when at His house. I have no doubts, even without asking that she was never allowed to place them on, or remove them, that it would have been part of a ritual they had that when she arrived, He would place them on, even if no playing was on the cards.

I went out with a friend one night, and borrowed ankle and wrist cuffs to wear... they were heavy around me, but something that I soon got used to.. at the end of that night, a joke was had and chains were locked on to me, leaving me with wrists chained together and the same on the ankles... something that will not surprise those who actually know me, that joke resulted in me asking politely to have them removed and when they were not, I went to bed in another room with them still on. I was not giving that person the satisfaction of me asking twice. the next morning we found they had stuck to my skin during the night and had to be almost peeled off. My raised eyebrow may have told him that if he had done as I asked that this never would have happened and an apology was soon forthcoming.
My point is, Collars and Cuffs have the same reaction on me as the hair pulling does.

Things don't HAVE to hurt, they just have to be not my choice.

Things don't HAVE to be the direct opposite of what I want, they just have to be not my choice.

Things don't HAVE to be done during play, they just have to be at a time HE chooses.

Control doesn't HAVE to be around all the time, but it makes me damn horny when it is......

Tuesday, March 27, 2012

Not your average couple...

I sat down this morning, having the feeling in my head that I had something that I wanted to say, but when I opened the page to begin a blog post, the thoughts were gone.

Occasionally I get a nagging feeling like I want to blog something, but I don't know what it is I actually want to write about.
Like there are thoughts in there that are trying to get out, let me help make sense of something, or help me realise something. My blog is not a place for me to pass judgement, or to push my opinion on others, it is just my place to express myself in a way I normally wouldn't.

Chatting to Sir after the earlier blog post, He told me He loves to read what I have written, that I express myself differently in the blog than I do when we are together.
I remarked that is because I have the ability to write, delete, re-write until I am happy with the way it sounds, and although sometimes my fingers cannot keep up with the thoughts, I often delete and re-word what I have written so there is no misconceptions.
I can't do that in person, I have to explain myself differently.

I thought about that after we had chatted... I am different on here because - here I am completely submissive in a different way than I am when we are together.
I am ALWAYS His.
I am ALWAYS submissive to Him
But here it is different to when we are together.

I can get bossy in RL, I get all protective, I fuss more, I am just different.

I know I can get complacent in my submission occasionally, and I don't mean that I am not submissive, but meeting us as a couple, you may be forgiven for not being able to see that I am a sub. And of course, this doesn't apply to the vanilla world. Neither Sir or I force our kinks onto those who don't consent, so to vanilla people, we are just another couple in love.

But around other kinky people, I can be submissive, call Him Sir in front of others, and have Him yank my hair, bite me.... whatever it is He chooses to do, and it is all ok. And there are times where I say things not many other subs would, or do things they would never dream of, and it is ok with Him.

A lot of the time we have kids around, and I don't just hand over control of my kids, I still have to maintain normalcy when they are around, and Sir does also. In those times, we are just a normal couple

My point is... outside the bedroom, I am equal.
Yes, there are always times when he says something, does something, and reminds me of my place, but it is not 100% on show all the time.
This past weekend, I felt more control than I have before, and not that He didn't control me, but it surfaced differently. I can sit here and know without a doubt, that His dominance over me grows more and more, and that His confidence as a Dom, gets stronger every time we are together.

I know when I am told to do something, that it is like a switch has been flipped, it's show time!!
There is also a look He gets on His face, that's when I know something is coming my way...

I am not sure He knows the reaction those things have on me, He certainly knows that He turns me on, but something as simple as "I want.." or "Go and do..." and the tone of voice used, they make me literally quiver on the inside. I melt. And I am not sure he even notices that his voice changes when He says those things, that His accent gets stronger, the timbre changes, which in itself, turns me on.

We are not the conventional Dom-sub couple, we follow very few of the 'accepted D/s rules' but without a doubt, our strength as a couple is as strong if not stronger than anything I have seen with my own two eyes.

I wonder what my thoughts will be about the control this time next year?

oh Yeah, and I finally found the motivation to finish off the changes to the blog.
This is a complete fresh start for me, this is the journey I am hoping lasts forever.

Another sign I am owned....

I have always been fascinated by piercings.

I had my belly button done about 11 years ago.

I had my nipples done over 12 months ago.

Last Saturday I got a VCH.

Being a Vertical Clitoral Hood piercing.

Wasn't what I had planned for the day by any stretch of the imagination.

I wonder if this will be the end??

I know I am booked in for another tattoo, to add to the 5 I already have.

The bit I love the most??

I love knowing I have a barbell through me, that Sir chose, that He was there to watch, hold my hand and that it is a sign of His ownership on me.

Wednesday, March 21, 2012

Controlling me..

I have been doing some reading on Orgasm Control and Conditioning.

In the past, I have laughed at Doms who have told me that they are into Orgasm Control/Denial and that they wanted to try it on me.
I laughed because they even thought there was a remote possibility that they would get close enough to me that they would get the opportunity to make me cum, and secondly, because in the past I didn't cum.
I could orgasm on my own, but not with a partner.
Not with them watching me, not with them in the same room, not when they could hear me, just couldn't do it.

The weekend before surgery was an interesting weekend for me.
Sir spent the weekend at my house, it was our first weekend together, the first time we had slept in the same bed, the first time we had been intimate since I told Him that I loved Him, the first time we explored 'real' kink together.
It was also the first time I had cum for a man in person for the longest time.
The first one snuck up on me, and I can remember thinking that I would get to the edge and not tip over, and before I knew it...over I went. Tears followed of course. The rest of the night passed in a bit of a blur.
Sir then introduced me to the pleasure of morning sex the next day, which resulted in yet another orgasm for me, also another sneaky one.

I then had surgery, and all things penetrative went on the back burner. Nothing like having your uterus removed to interrupt the beginnings of a wonderful sex life!!
The problem was... now knowing I could have an orgasm, turned me into a sex mad nympho.. all of a sudden I couldn't get enough. Here was me with the top of my cervix stitched shut and begging Sir to 'just put it in a little'.
I have had orgasms since. And I know it is only the beginning, but since that weekend, I have found out something interesting.
I can orgasm... but not without asking permission and receiving the go-ahead.
This is not a rule, nor is it something we have ever talked about.
But the weekend I was allowed to drive again, I went to Sir's and we played a little (without penetration, no matter how much I begged for it). He had me tied to the bed, with vibrating clamps on my clit and between those and some oral, I was on the edge for the longest time.... finally it occurred to me that He might be pleased if I asked permission to cum. So I did. He waited a little, but when I heard the words 'you may' That was it...over I went.
At home the following week,  I was reading some erotica, and found myself wanting to masturbate, but no matter how hard I tried, I just couldn't reach an orgasm, so I sent Sir a text message asking permission.
Now it is second nature to ask first, something I thought would never happen to me.

I am now curious about whether it would be possible to teach me to cum on command... hmmmmm.
More exploration on that required me thinks....

Wednesday, March 14, 2012

Without Ice for me please....

I realised today that I still have emotional hang-ups left over from past relationships, that I didn't even know about.

I have a hang up when I feel un-important. I didn't say MADE TO FEEL, I said feel. As in the way I feel.
The fucktard used to tell me to go places on my own when they didn't interest him. And fair enough, but what he chose to forget was all the places I went with him that I didn't particularly like, but I did.
To have time. To learn. To look after the kids. To have FAMILY TIME.
When it was reversed, different story.
Eventually I gave up and either didn't go at all, or went on my own.
This created me having my own social life, which made the gap harder to bridge when I could see the "end of marriage" writing on the wall.

I have a hang up about hearing voices.
And I don't mean I have voices in my head, although I probably do, but I believe that when things are important, they should be dealt with in person, or failing the ability to do that, then on the phone.
To be able to HEAR emotion in someone's voice can sometimes make understanding the words so much easier. This hang up is from my ex-Master and the inability we had to be able to have time to speak, either in person or on the phone. And this is not a blame thing, just a fact.

I have a  hang-up about nagging .... I will not nag, or at least, I hate to nag.
I will ask twice.
Then, I will either forget it and move on, change plans, do whatever is necessary to make sure whatever I have asked for is no longer required OR I just do it myself.
If this means paying a stranger to do something, then so be it.
If this means cancelling plans I was really looking forward to, then so be it.
If this means physically doing something I shouldn't, then so be it.

Once is a request.
The second time is a reminder.
The third time becomes nagging.

If it cannot be done, then that should be said right from the beginning.
This hang up is also from the dickwad, 14 years of half done jobs and nagging, cured me forever.

And the final hang up......

I say what I mean.
I say means No
I say Yes, it means Yes.
If you ask me a question, expect the honest answer and BELIEVE IT.
Don't ask for my opinion, then tell me it is wrong. If you already know better than me, don't bother asking.
(exception to the rule....during play, or while tied up and being teased, cos damn near anything might come out then)

And for fucks sake...Don't put ice in my drink when I have told you I prefer it without!!

Thursday, March 8, 2012

The other half...

Love for most people is a journey in and of itself. But ownership…it is more than a journey. It is being in that place that you’ve created for me. It is an avocation, a role, and a responsibility to you. It is being your other half, the softer half, the half that is under your hand and at your feet…the half that feels, that delights, that giggles, and that enjoys the moments with you. It is being your half that reflects you, accepts you, and finds joy with you. And it being your half that finds the peace in the moments, the happiness in the serving, and the delight of simply giving to you. It is being your half that exists in the simple delight of existing for you as my Owner, and it is pure, and it is what I was created to be.

I found this awesome writing on a blog, found through a link on Fetlife after following a friends comments.

UniqueRaven has a way with words that I admire, but what struck me most while avidly devouring her blog was the above words.

Ownership of someone is so very hard to explain, as is the feeling of knowing you are owned body and soul.

It becomes less of a want for me to be able to please for the sake of pleasing, and more of a need. It is not a concious need, it is an innate reaction, that is almost uncontrollable.

In the past it was a want, as in - I wanted to please, because it gained me a good reaction.
Now it is a need, something I can't control.  And not necessarily all sexual needs, it is the whole gamut of a relationship. 

 It is being your other half, the softer half, the half that is under your hand and at your feet…the half that feels, that delights, that giggles, and that enjoys the moments with you. It is being your half that reflects you, accepts you, and finds joy with you.

These words are the way I feel about Sir. I am a whole person on my own, but I am also the other half of Him, together we can do anything.

I suggest a read of UnqiueRaven's blog, you can find it HERE and I have also linked it into my blog roll.

Monday, March 5, 2012

You are a "Fucking Arsehole Sir"

About 10 days post op, I had the weekend with Sir.

We played a little, and considering the fact that I am not supposed to being having any kind of penetration, the play was very limited.
That and the fact that I had major abdominal is all relevant, but to my eternal frustration, I was and still am feeling almost back to normal besides having little strength and tiring more easily.

The worst of feeling ok and not sick is that I forget that I am not supposed to do a lot of things.
I would have fucked the living daylights out of Sir, but He never forgets I am unwell and limits things.

On the Saturday we were laying on the bed, and to be honest, I am not sure how it started, but what seemed like eons later and having had Sir's fingers playing on my clit and on the verge of my pussy, teasing me, the frustration inside me built to a point that my mouth shot a load and I called Sir a "Fucking Arsehole"

Yup, not one of my brighter comments.

Out came the crop

And after one strike for every letter in "Fucking arsehole" my arse looked like this...

The both of us laughed.
This was not what I would have called punishment, more like a lesson learnt about getting my mouth in check while there is a crop handy.

The following weekend I travelled to see Sir again, this time with 2 kids in tow.
For those that know me in RL, they will know this is a huge deal for me, in the past I kept my kids well away from anything to do with my kink life.
This is not just about kink, this is us having a relationship, being in love and being a family.
Sir also had His kids for the weekend.

Sir + Me + Kids = 7

Just us and 5 kids.

I was not expecting a kink filled weekend.
Probably not expecting ANY kink if I am truly honest.

Friday night began with Beer and a Blow Job.
Saturday was kid day, followed by Sir taking one of the older kids out for the night and me having some fun with the younger ones at home.
More Cock worship for Sir when He came to bed.
Sunday Morning was hectic, kids were all up by 8, neither of us had enough sleep, kids decided that quiet was for children that lived elsewhere and acted accordingly, phones beeped and chirped with plans for the day and before long the frustration at knowing I had to pack up, leave, drive home and leave Sir got the better of me.
I got to a point where I felt like this

I am pretty sure that Sir noticed the mood and we were laying on the bed together, He began teasing me, only because of the frustrations my reaction to the teasing was not the normal one, I was in an odd mood, and not feeling particularly submissive.
I leaned over and said quietly "you are a Fucking Arsehole Sir"
I knew the minute I said it, that I would pay for it, but with 5 kids in the next room, what I didnt expect was Sir to bounce off the bed, and pick up a Cricket Bat, albeit a small, miniature size one and use it on my butt.

By the third whack all I wanted to do was scream Red, but in my head I knew I never would.
I was in no danger of being HURT, only being left in pain.
I would probably raise the attention of any or all of the 5 kids, which would create questions I have no desire  to answer any time soon
AND I deserved it.
I was disrespectful and if nothing else, that left me disappointed in myself.

After the 4th whack, the handle on the bat broke.
I was then pulled off the bed, walked into the adjoining bathroom and leant over the bath to take the remaining whacks with the crop.
By the time Sir had finished I was in tears.
Knowing I had disrespected Him.
Feeling like I had disappointed myself.
Angry with myself that I couldn't communicate my frustrations in a better way than by saying something so blatantly stupid.
All those and more.

I have been punished before, never in person, only online and I KNOW that I could have just refused to do what I was told to do as punishment, more than likely my ex Master would never have known whether I did it or not, but I always did it.
This time I wasn't doing something to myself, I had someone right there to inflict the punishment in person, on the spot and instantly.

When Sir stopped swinging the crop, He turned me around to face Him.
I do not know whether He had something in mind to say and didn't because He saw tears, or whether He just wanted to see my face, but we then had a hug and a discussion on the why.

We have backed that up with another discussion on the why today.
I said the wrong thing.
I was not respectful
I disappointed myself even if I didn't disappoint Him
I took my punishment
I am not in a hurry to repeat it
I learnt something from this...

Sir's love for me will not prevent Him from dishing out deserved punishment.
That I need to learn another way to communicate to Sir that I need to feel His control
That I love Him more today than I did before.

And that holding my feet on the walk-in-robe sliding door prevents kids from opening it while I am providing Sir with one last blow job before I go home.

Friday, March 2, 2012

Here it comes......

I am sitting here contemplating how my life has changed so much over the last 6 months.

More specifically, my kink life.

I had a Dom 6 months ago, and I have one now, but different men.

They hold similar values in life, they both share a wonderful gift called fatherhood, both are wonderful fathers.
But as dominants, they are poles apart in their chosen style of domination over me.

I an not saying one is right, and one is wrong. To me, it is no different to one drinking white tea, and the other black coffee.
Personal preference to them.

But I sit here and ponder how lucky I am to have met them in the order I did.
I now have the ability to be able to share with Sir all the things that turn me on, that I like, that I wish to try, that I tried in the past and want to try again.
He is also sharing much the same things with me, of course He gets to decide when and where and how and all those things, which is the whole freaking idea of course!! But still, we do talk and share these things.

Many of those things I learnt through experience with my previous Dom, either in person or in discussion.
Had it been the other way around, I would never have been able to experience a lot of the things I have done now, just because of the restrictive nature of the relationship I had before.

Now I can try them, expand on them, add to them and make a whole new list of things I want to try.
As well as my list, I am looking forward to being the guinea pig for Sir to test some of His things out on. New things we both want to try.
Already we have crossed quite a few things off the list, and I know for one, that I will have no hesitations in lining up to try any of them again.
Cept maybe the crop, that kinda stung a bit.

Sir made an online purchase last week, and it was delivered to my home instead of his.
Unluckily for me, Sir was here when it was delivered, so I didnt get the chance to play with it on my own, but I have experienced a Whartenburg Pinwheel before, so I kinda know what I might be in for.

The thing I am looking forward to the most??

Being chained up while Sir experiments on me.

I am getting to know Sir a little better, and can sometimes guess where things are headed, of course blindfold me and that kills any psychic abilities as I cannot read the look on his face, but I think I know what the reaction to the pinwheel will be.

With any luck the camera will be out and about and I will be able to share it with you all.