Tuesday, August 30, 2011

LDR Troubles

It is no secret Master and I have a Long Distance Relationship...and a slightly left of centre one at that.

We have things that suit us, agreements we have made, that suit us, that others would find distasteful, bizarre or even wrong, but 99% of the time, it works for us.

Each relationship in life is individual in its own way, no matter who it is between, ours is no different, just slightly more unusual than most.

Prime Example..... Others want a Master they can love, be devoted to, and would only stand for a LDR if they knew there was an end in sight, usually resulting in the relationship becoming 24/7.

Master and I don't have that, and nor do we want that.

It was made clear to me from the very VERY beginning,  that while there is and will be much happiness, there will be no whisking away by Prince Charming to live a Happily Ever After life.

We are LDR, and will always be that way while I am his submissive.

So to break it down to basics, Master has His life, and I have mine, its just that my BDSM life belongs to Him. He gets to make the rules, give the orders and do the teaching.

In my ordinary life, I am the boss, I can do what I like, when I like, and how I like.

He just seems to have this ability that I lack to be able to place me in a box in His life, where He can shut the lid when He needs to and do other things.

I can't do that, I have to be HIS submissive ALL the time, even when I am controlling my own life, I am still His, and He is never far from my thoughts.

Its that bit I struggle with sometimes. There are times I would love to put Him figuratively into a box and shut the lid. And I don't mean remove Him from my mind or my life, but sometimes it would be nice to be able to turn it off when its not necessary at that point in time.

Over the past couple of months I have contemplated returning His collar to Him, both times I imagined playing with Him and then handing Him the collar for Him to take when He left.
I didn't do it for 2 reasons...

The first because I wondered if this was a "phase" I was going through, life for both of us had been not normal, and that effected our relationship and the time we have together in a bad way. And had I handed it back in the heat of the moment so to speak, that it may have been something that time or a simple fix could be found for.

And the second, because I truly believe, and I have maintained all along, that He is MY Master, and I have no interest in another. Not now, not in the future, not at any time. And by handing back the collar, I may hand back the symbol of His ownership of me, but it wouldn't break the bond we have.

While some day in the distant future, He may not own me, I cannot ever see me being in a place where I would wish to have no contact with Him, and I knew that would be a very real possibility, should I return that collar. I was NOT ready for that to happen.

Yesterday I admitted to Him that I had been feeling like that. I had wanted to tell Him for weeks, but never knew the words, never could find myself in  place where I could explain calmly, rationally and coherently.

Yesterday I found out I am headed into a week with no contact, family comes first, then work, then us after that. His work is taking Him to a place where I am left behind for a week, and I knew deep inside I would sit and overthink things while he was gone, resulting in Him possibly coming home to shock at me being a twat.

You don't realise how much things weigh on your thoughts until you can share them, after I had explained, probably ineffectively how I felt, we managed to clear the air, He learnt things, and I did also.

We both learnt that while neither of us "love" the other, that we have a bond that, for me at least, cannot be broken as simply as I thought it may have.

Amongst the discussion, Master offered me some "time off", which I thank Him for, but declined. There is really no point to agreeing to have some time apart, it wont make one shred of difference, and the up coming week of no contact will do that quite effectively for me anyway. On top of which, I don't want this to be some relationship where its on, then off, then on, then back off again. Fuck that juvenile shit. As much as I don't love Master, I do often think of this relationship as some sort of marriage, you cant just quit when it gets hard. Life is hard sometimes, doesn't mean you just cave in and give up, it just means we are about to be tested, and if we can get through it, that means we will be stronger at the other end.

While we may have a not so conventional relationship by any stretch of the imagination, it is still one that has a lot of value in my life, and not one I am willing to just give away when I hit a bump in the road. Like someone wonderful said to me, "It is just like the honeymoon bit is over, and there has been a transition to something different"

I just have to get my head around the honeymoon bit that it over...I don't want this to become some boring vanilla relationship, where we do little but discuss work, kids and hobbies.

I still want my boundaries to be pushed, it was that pushing that found the inner slut the first time, I knew she is lurking, just waiting to be yet again, pushed from her hiding spot, back out, on to her knees, in front of Him, where she belongs.

Saturday, August 27, 2011

Pussy Galore...

I have contemplated various things to blog about over the last week.....and the only time I had any real inspiration, I didn't have my laptop with me, and it just didnt flow when I got home.

I asked Master earlier in the week, if He would give me a photo or two that I could post on my blog from our play session earlier in the week.

He did, but I still had no real idea what to actually blog about until I came across a post on Fetlife.

The topic was female anatomy, and a reply by Molly  of the Molly's Daily Kiss inspired this post.

Molly has Pussy Pride and it has inspired me to join in.

I am a woman....just in case you hadn't noticed, and therefore I have a pussy.

Now...it is known by various names, some individual and dependent on who I am chatting to as to what it is called. Cunt, Pussy, Hole, Taco, all of those and occasionally others as well.

Now I realise that you really can't see too much of the pussy there, but I am limited on the pics I am allowed to post of myself without His explicit permission.
I was always ok with my pussy until after the birth of the last child...weighing in at 10lbs, Darling Child assisted in the ruination of the ok thoughts I had about my pussy, after DC was born, I all of a sudden was left with a lopsided labia, which ..to ME, is very noticeable, but hasn't been mentioned by anyone else.

I am a waxer rather than a shaver, I hate the itch left by shaving, but fell in love with the smooth clean feeling being hairless allows you to have. So off I go every 4-6 weeks, full XXX Brazilian, and I feel GREAT after, and the pain during leaves me wanting something after.....but that's slightly off topic.

I have a pussy, clean and smooth, and I have to say that over the last 8 months, if nothing else, I have learnt to appreciate my body, even the bits I didn't like before, so I guess you could say I have Pussy Pride

p.s this is the view that greeted Master last time we saw each other... head down butt pussy up, so BEFORE I was spanked, fucked, flogged, blindfolded and BITTEN!!!!

Friday, August 19, 2011

As good as the Hitachi????

I have become quite the twitter addict...not to sure whether that is good or bad yet, thats a decision still pending.
But I am having a lot of fun with it, and I have met some amazing people, some good, some great, some just complete morons, but I still follow them as I am usually quite amused at the dumb shit they post.

One I have actually met in person, and hope our coffee date was just one of many more to come.

The majority of the people I follow, and who follow me are from other countries, which sometimes makes me think I was born on the wrong continent, but thems the breaks I guess.

_sub_girl was one of the reasons I joined twitter. She pretty much kept at me, reminding me on the odd occasions we catch up for our coffee/wine skype dates that it was fun and a good way to meet people, and I had read her blog for a while at that point, also following her tweets just from a bar at the side of her blog.

So I did it.

And I love it.

My phone now hates me, as I seem to run it out of battery a lot quicker than I used to, always checking and tweeting depending on work and the mood.

This morning I volunteered to become a sex toy reviewer for a company who posted on twitter saying they had a special toy and they were wondering who was game enough to try it. I did a quick look at the link and said I would try it, send pics and write a review if they would like me to. Only problem was, when I read the size of the product, I forgot that we Aussies work in metric and these measurements were in Imperial!!!
Soooooo, while 17 sounds like fun, when it is in inches and NOT centimetres there is a HUGE difference, and I am thinking next time I offer to review a specific product, that I should do so AFTER the second coffee, not before the first!!

But....living in a small town with no easy access to any sort of sex shop without at least a one hour drive, being a reviewer sounds like a great way for me to earn my toys for Master to torture me with, rather than having to save and wait til a trip to the city.

Just please be aware of one thing.........If they happened to send me a toy as good as my hitachi...I may never get out of bed EVER AGAIN......not even to eat!

Tuesday, August 16, 2011

I am His slut....

There is nothing like the impending loss of someone wonderful in your life to make you think about things.

I have someone very important to me, terminally ill, and as of today, they are not expected to live more than the next 24 hours.

It is making me reflect on my life, what I have done with it, how I have made that person proud of me, what I want in the future and what comes next.

I know, over the next little while, I am having to cope with being a single parent, with both children involved in various sports and hobbies, I have my job, my volunteer work, and for a little while, I have extra work on top, and I do all this knowing I am fitting in a funeral before too long.

For the last week, I have been the emotional woman that I am normally NOT.
I have cried at the drop of a hat.
Even typing that sentence is bringing tears to my eyes, and I am FAR from the girly girl who cries at the toilet paper ad's on TV.

D/s is my release. It allows me to be the hidden me, the me that no one sees day to day.
Having a session with Master allows me to hand over all control to someone I trust. All the bills, kids, life worries and everything else can get left at the door, and for those few hours,  I can just be told, ordered, asked, please, beg and submit to His every whim.
There is no yelling, no washing, no bills to be paid, no one to chauffeur around to a football game or what not.
There is just Him and me, and whatever the mood brings.

Of all the times I DONT  have time to fit in a session, this is the time I REALLY want one.

All I want to do is give up that control, forget the outside world, forget trying to work at one place and run a business on the side, forget I have responsibilities. Forget that sometime soon I have to say goodbye to someone I love dearly.

With all that is going on in my life, it is getting harder and harder to remember I am His kitty, tasks are not something I am expecting, Master knows how totally insane my life is at the moment, some days I feel like I dont have 5 minutes to scratch my arse, let alone lock myself in a room to take pics, or to masturbate for X amount of time, and while I am eternally grateful of His understanding, I am also missing tasks. They are the reminder for me that I am HIS kitty, when I can't be near Him physically. I know He has different motivation behind the tasks, and the end result is always for His pleasure, seeing me do different things, knowing I am doing as asked, whatever the case may be, but for me, besides that I do them to please Him, I also do them to remind me of what I am.

I am His submissive slut.

I am the strong one, I am the one every one loads with tasks so they can have their moment to grieve, I am the one who does everything, I am the one who can't and doesn't say no to helping them, I am the one who holds it all together, maintaining a brave face, letting them do what they need to, I am the one everyone turns to, but for Him, I am just His slut, His kitty, His submissive, and I can be NOT the one in control.

In this horrid time of having to take control over so many things, all I am wishing for is to be able to give up that control......just for a little while.

Tuesday, August 9, 2011

Butt Plugs and Hitachi's...

I have decided to get a little healthier, walk more often, eat better, that kind of thing.

NO actual diet so to speak, just a get ready for summer, bikini, trim down kinda thing.

So yesterday I said to Master I was going for a walk.

I was told that He had thought about making me wear the butt plug while I went, but this time I could just remove panties and go commando under the pants instead.

The damn kids distracted me, and about 10 minutes into the walk, I thought OH FUCK!!.

Panties were still on.

I debated about finding a public toilet, or other secluded area to remove them, but since I had a child with me, I decided against it, and just continued on with the walk.

When I returned home, I admitted that I had forgotten to remove them as I had been instructed to.

Damn that gene I have which doesnt allow for white lies or a slight misleading of the truth. I KNEW if I didnt admit to forgetting, that I would lay awake later in the night, until it got the better of me and I would have gotten out of bed, sent an email admitting to the fact that I had forgotten, and then I would be in SOOO much trouble for not admitting to it at the time, that punishment would be worse, so I just did it. I admitted I forgot.

I was then swiftly instructed to go and place the medium sized butt plug in.
Which, by the way, has been named Mr Burrows.
I have a Master Burrows, a Mr Burrows, and a PAPA Burrows, who is the DADDY of all butt plugs, or so my arse thinks. I am pretty sure I cringe when I even look at it in the toy bag.

I was also instructed to sit on a chair, or other surface every 5 minutes and bounce up and down.

I can hear you say "What the FUCK??"

I said that too, but I also know better than to argue, so instead I said "Yes Master" and did as I was told.

I will add at this stage, that for some unknown and highly unusual reason, I havent really been horny for about 2 weeks, which is when I saw Master last. And even more unusual is, I havent masturbated in all that time.

So to my surprise, this bouncing on the edge of the bed (due to children in every other available room) had me dripping wet and horny in about 3 bounces.

Anal sex is not one of the things I crave the most, and even as little as 3 months ago, was a dreaded thing at best. But one of those things I did JUST to please HIM.

This time I was aching for it, the feeling of this plug filling my arse, which is reserved for Master, and sitting at just such an angle that it moved as I bounced, slowly gliding in and out, and I soon worked out that if I tilted my hips at just the moment, that every time I moved downwards, that it caused my pussy to clench and before too long I was on the verge of my very first anal orgasm.

My 5 minutes bouncing was up, and I reported back as per normal, but added that all of a sudden I was horny, and I if in the case, that it seemed as if I had disappeared, that I could be found bouncing on the bed and was intending to let dinner burn until I had gotten myself off.

Wrong move.

The following instruction then appeared.

"well tonight you will make the aquaintance of the hitachi and whilst wearing the medium butt plug, fuck that cunt of yours hard until you come, thinking of your Masters cock in your arse"

Ohhhhhhhhhh Boy.

That statement alone had my pussy clenching that hard that I nearly came while standing there.

The thought of His cock in me, and the Hitachi on my clit, had me shivering, shaking, and wondering how soon I could bribe the kids into going to bed, or whether I might be able to lock them in a room with loud music to cover the noise of the Hitachi and the sound of me moaning.

Bedtime came, the porn got turned on, and I was set and ready to come, and determined to come hard.

Towel down ( I have been turned into a squirter) Hitachi plugged in, Butt plug at the ready, and I was set.

I was still wet from the earlier session with the butt plug, so I used the juices still running from me to lube the plug, and got it inserted. I also started playing with the hitachi, but was yet to switch it on, I was enjoying the porn I had on, before long I got to the point I flipped that switch.......

Within ohhhh, about a minute, maybe a minute and a half later, I unexpectedly found myself squirmed to the top of the bed, with my head pressed against the bed head, the Hitachi buried deep inside me, the butt plug half out of me and a uncontrollable urge to see if I could make myself cum again straight away.

4 orgasms later, I came back to earth, with the Hitachi vibrating on the bed between my legs, and the butt plug no where to be found.

I had all good intentions of getting up afterwards, and typing a post for the blog while the details were fresh and the pleasure still rolling through me, but after 5 orgasms in about the same amount of minutes, I was not leaving that bed for anything, and was all of a sudden glad Master wasnt there to make me get up and get Him something, cos all I managed to do was switch the tv off, push the hitachi off the side of the bed to land on the floor, and I rolled over and passed out.

I am pretty sure they werent anal orgasms, but I am now certainly looking forward to finally having one, something I never thought would ever happen, and if I truly think about it, I am pretty sure that anal sex was on the list of soft limits.......wonder how that happened......

Thursday, August 4, 2011

Bitch in Heels

Tomorrow I have to collect one of the kids from their father after I finish work.

BUT...... This is not normal... NOR am I working in my normal job tomorrow.

My normal job uniform consists of baggy jeans, a t-shirt and boots. Under which is usually a g-string or less, and occasionally some sort of writing on my body to go with the piercings that no one sees but Master.

But tomorrow, I get to play dress ups so to speak.

I am working a temp job for the next few days, weeks, whichever the case may be.

Out go the baggy jeans...in come the skinny leg jeans, or the short skirts, or a dress, along with a low cut top or two, bend over to help a customer...show them the meagre cleavage I can scrape up, dangling enticingly right beneath their eyes, encased in red lace, or black...depending on the mood, while I kneel at their feet in what I know to be a submissive position, but to them is just a good angle to perv, it appeals to them, but they are not quite sure why.

I have a feeling tomorrow will be a horny day...all dressed up, make-up on, heavier than normal, almost bordering on slut like...and won't I enjoy collecting aforementioned child from their father, while dressed like he has never seen, wearing those 5 inch heels he used to tell me I couldn't buy. ( I now have 5 pairs of shoes in that height heel)

With any luck the sight of me dressed like that will remind him of what he can't have, of what I am giving away.

If this is sounding slightly vindictive....it is.

Earlier in the week he got all childish with his communication with me, and this is payback of the worst kind....the only thing that could make it better is if one of his friends hits on me when I collect the child....I am ever hopeful he will be standing close enough to hear if the other boys comment on my longer looking legs, or the fact I have trimmed down, or that they didnt know I had a body like that under those horrible clothes I normally wear to work, or that they have never seen me with make-up on before.

I know him well...I know he will "grin and bear it" while I am there, all the while seething with anger inside that I have gotten on with my life, and that I am coping ok without him, and with any luck, looking shit hot......He did predict I would be begging him to come back within 6 months.

Look out boys tomorrow...this bitch is on the prowl.

And of course...me being me, there is a song for every occasion

And here it is............ click to see what the mood for the day is

Yes, yet again I am showing my lack of grace and class, but Oh well!

OH...and Yes, those ARE my legs you see above.