Do you know why I am lucky??
No...good. Grab a coffee and find a comfy seat, I'm about to tell you.
Two years ago....
I was newly single. BDSM had never entered my world except for the occasional joke about me wearing thigh high boots and using handcuffs on guys who pissed me off. Never in my life have I owned or worn thigh high boots, nor at that time, had I ever used handcuffs.
I had the reputation of being a bitch. This came about from the guy who's front teeth I punched out when he refused to stop grabbing my arse on a dance floor while out with some friends.
I knew what I wanted, and what I didn't. I am, and always have been a headstrong female. I like to get what I want, but unlike most women I know. I ask, or I get it for myself. I refuse to play stupid juvenile games to get things. Means more to me if I work for it and earn it.
I was not in a relationship of any kind. I was not WANTING a relationship of any kind. I was enjoying the freedom to do what I wanted, when I wanted without being made to feel guilty when I went out.
Over that 12 month period, I delved into BDSM. I began to explore the kinky side of me I had hidden through shame. The feelings of sexual arousal from 'kinky' things no longer made me feel ashamed, no longer did I have to deny it. There was this whole world of people just like me out there, people who revelled in being 'kinky' It opened my eyes a LOT.
I met a guy, a Dom, who became my Master. Over the next 9 months, I learnt more than I thought possible, but I know I never gave it everything. I always held back a part of me. Not through shame, or the desire to keep secrets, but with the knowledge that this was a temporary relationship. I wasn't about to hand over everything to someone I knew would eventually walk away.
Looking back, it was not an entirely emotionally healthy relationship, but it was exactly what I needed at the time. Some who paid some attention, someone who could communicate and something temporary to help me get through the end of a 14 year relationship. Sounds harsh, but it worked for the both of us, we both got what we wanted at the end of the day.
One year ago..........
I hit the end of that D/s relationship. It had taught me a lot. What I wanted, and what I didn't. It taught me to value myself like I hadn't known how to do before. It taught me I had a lot to offer someone...one day.
I began to venture into the public kink scene. I was enjoying that single feeling again..this time with a lot more confidence than I had before. I knew what I was worth, and that only someone deserving would get the things I had to offer.
One year ago, I could honestly tell you that the only person in the world who supported me was me.
I did everything. On my own. By myself. I was the strong one....always. When I needed to let go, I cried in the shower, got out, and got on with it.
This week has shown me how lucky I am.
It has been a HUGE month, emotionally.
Sir and I are moving in together...or rather, I am moving in with Sir and his kids...taking the total of kids at our dinner table to 5 every night.
I have been packing the house that I have lived in for 15 years.
I have been dealing with kids who fluctuate between 'I dont wanna go' and raging excitement in the space of 5 minutes flat.
I have been dealing with an ex who is threatening to take me to court.
I have been dealing with friends and family who have been less than supportive at times.
I have been dealing with the internal emotions of leaving what is my hometown, and the only place my kids have ever lived.
All the while, internally excited about starting a new life with Sir and his kids in a new place.
Yesterday I came crashing down.
Last day of school for the kids resulted in tears from all and sundry. The teachers, the kids, the friends, the Principal, and me. I guess to them, the finality of it all hit.
I sat looking at the chaos in the house, half packed, crap everywhere, things to get rid of, things to store, things to pack, things to sell... all things no one can help me with.
I didn't have an emotional 2 cents to rub together.
I decided I needed to see Sir more than I needed anything else.
So I got in the car.
This is where the lucky bit cuts in....
I got there, opened the door and was almost immediately enveloped in a hug. I was told to go lay on the bed.
My shoes were removed, a drink handed to me and Sir held me in His arms for a good 20 minutes...knowing intuitively that I didn't want to talk, explain....that I needed Him, silence and support.
He told me He loved me. He held me. He wiped away the tears.
He asked me where my collar was, told me to get it and sat in the chair, a pillow at His feet.
I knelt before Him, while He buckled my collar on, then stroked my hair as I knelt at His feet, my head on His knees.
We don't have a conventional D/s relationship.
I occasionally tell Him to get fucked. I often stick my finger up at Him. I can be cheeky. I am often a smart arse. I am stubborn when it comes to doing things for myself, but at the same time, pushy at Sir when I want to help Him with something he is doing.
He appreciates me for my strength, admires my independence and enjoys the sexual self confidence I have, but those things are all outweighed by what I get in return.
I get His respect.
I get His communication.
I get His unconditional support.
I get His Dominance.
And most of all, I get His love.
He appreciates me for who I am, not who He thinks I should be, or who He wants me to become.
How lucky can one girl get??
Saturday, September 22, 2012
Tuesday, September 11, 2012
I had an epiphany tonight.
The more I have to control things around me, the stronger I have to be, the more I crave control from someone else, the more I need to feel that submission.
Am I saying I cannot control my own life??
No. Not in the slightest.
What I am saying is the more controlling I am in my everyday life, the more the craving of submission increases.
Play has been the last thing on our minds lately, and to be honest, I haven't missed it a whole lot.... BUT
I am craving control.
I am currently micro managing every thing around me. I NEED to be as organised and efficient as I can be, and not far from the back of my mind is the need to feel like someone else is controlling just a small part of me.
I don't know how to go about easing these feelings, I don't even have a suggestion on what might help.
This is as frustrating to me as anything can be.
I HATE not being able to offer a solution/suggestion to a problem, whether it be mine or someone else's.
Things are a bit emotionally up and down here at the moment, and I know that increases my frustrations no end, every day brings a solution to one problem and 5 more problems at the same time.
I am feeling like I am not getting anywhere, and yet, I know that is not true.
I am contemplating making a list of all my lists.... that will be the straw that breaks the camel's back.
I KNOW I can get through this.
I KNOW it is just a temporary thing.
I KNOW there is an end in sight.
I KNOW I am getting somewhere in the things I need to do.
But at the moment, I feel like I am sinking in a cesspool of uncontrollable emotions, and that I don't like.
Luckily, I know I am loved and supported, and that is something I have never been sure of before.
It is also those two things that get me through every day without dissolving into a big pile of weeping woman/emotional wreck/panicked psychopath.