Frustrations....

I had an epiphany tonight.

The more I have to control things around me, the stronger I have to be, the more I crave control from someone else, the more I need to feel that submission.

Am I saying I cannot control my own life??
No. Not in the slightest.

What I am saying is the more controlling I am in my everyday life, the more the craving of submission increases.

Play has been the last thing on our minds lately, and to be honest, I haven't missed it a whole lot.... BUT

I am craving control.
I am currently micro managing every thing around me. I NEED to be as organised and efficient as I can be, and not far from the back of my mind is the need to feel like someone else is controlling just a small part of me.

I don't know how to go about easing these feelings, I don't even have a suggestion on what might help.

This is as frustrating to me as anything can be.

I HATE not being able to offer a solution/suggestion to a problem, whether it be mine or someone else's.

Things are a bit emotionally up and down here at the moment, and I know that increases my frustrations no end, every day brings a solution to one problem and 5 more problems at the same time.
I am feeling like I am not getting anywhere, and yet, I know that is not true.

I am contemplating making a list of all my lists.... that will be the straw that breaks the camel's back.

I KNOW I can get through this.
I KNOW it is just a temporary thing.
I KNOW there is an end in sight.
I KNOW I am getting somewhere in the things I need to do.

But at the moment, I feel like I am sinking in a cesspool of uncontrollable emotions, and that I don't like.

Luckily, I know I am loved and supported, and that is something I have never been sure of before.
It is also those two things that get me through every day without dissolving into a big pile of weeping woman/emotional wreck/panicked psychopath.