Monday, May 30, 2011

dinner and drinks........

He blindfolds me.
Placing the pink hat back over my ponytail, pulling it down low over my eyes, placing my glasses in my handbag, hiding the blindfold from the passersby walking past us on the busy street.
He takes my hand, walking me up the street, my every instinct wanting to rip the blindfold from my eyes so I can see where I am walking.
My inner self lowers her head, hiding the blindfold and holding His hand tight, letting Him guide me, trusting He will walk me in safety.
He leans close and whispers "There is stairs here kitty, be careful"

I step up the few stairs carefully, He guides me along a hall and into an elevator.

I hear the doors close and feel Him push me face first into the wall, pulling the back of my dress up, exposing my g-string, His fingers pushing between my legs, feeling the wetness on my clit.
He fingers me roughly, His spare hand up my top, pinching my nipples.
The wetness drips faster now, soaking the g, and making His fingers slippery.

He removes His hands from under my clothes, and peels me off the wall of the elevator.
He turns me and allows me to lean back to on the wall and catch my breath.

I hear the doors open, and He takes my hand again, walking me along a carpeted hallway, the padding beneath my feet hiding the tapping that my 5 inch heels normally makes.

We stop at a doorway and I hear Him open the door with His keys.
Opening the door, He guides me through, I hear the gentle thud of the door closing behind us, and the soft click of it being locked.

I stand there, in the middle of a room, and strain my ears to hear something, anything, a clue to where we are.

Heat appears on my back, I can feel Him standing close behind me. The hat gets removed off my head and my ponytail becomes His steering wheel as He guides me across the room, pushing my body roughly, but gently enough that I dont fall.

He yanks my head back, stopping me from moving further, and I feel my dress being lifted from the bottom, up and over my head without ceremony, leaving me standing almost naked in front of Him.

I hear the click of His camera, snapping a pic of my black lace bra and g-string panties.
Strong hands reach into my bra and lift my breasts out, so they poke over the top, lifted into place by the bra cups, and another snap of the camera is heard.

Soon, the bra and panties are removed, and I am pushed to the floor to kneel before Him.

I grin, knowing that He is well aware of what I would be wanting by now, and I wonder whether I will be lucky enough to get fed His cock.

He leaves me there, not touching, and I hear Him cross the room, the rustle of a plastic bag and I can hear some sort of container being opened.

I smell stomach growls and I wonder if He has forgotten that He promised me dinner tonight.

"Lay on the floor, on your back"

"Yes Master"  I do as I am told, laying back on the floor, the carpet feels soft when you are standing, but rough against my back, the prickle of the fibres making me more and more excited as I wriggle and try and get comfortable.

"Lay STILL" He growls at me.

"Yes Master" and my body stops its movement instantly.

I feel something cold and wet placed between my breasts, then another something about an inch lower than the last, a trail beginning. Before long, I am covered in something right down the middle of my body, and I can feel a liquid being poured into my belly button.

"If you wriggle, you will spill and I wont be you understand kitty?"

"yes Master" and I lay still, my head spinning trying to work out what it is that I am covered with.

"I promised you dinner did I not kitty? I bet you never expected to be the plate dinner was served on....did you??"

I want to laugh at the thought of being covered in food, but I know that would spill the liquid in my belly button, so I dont, and I just reply "No Master, I didnt"

"Are you hungry kitty??"

"Yes Master" I reply

"If you behave, I will feed you" He says, the sound of His voice making the wetness run even faster.

What feels like an eternity later, I feel something placed against my lips.
Its sushi....oh yum.

 I am allowed to eat what He gives me, knowing whatever I get, wont be the end of the night.

A wipe is used to wipe the food that has dripped all over me, a small towel used to wipe the leftover liquid from my stomach.

I am allowed to sit upright, my back feeling the imprints from the carpet, and a bottle of water placed against my lips. I drink deeply, quenching my thirst, hoping it wont be the only thirst He satisfies tonight.

He grabs hold of my ponytail again, pulling me to my feet, pushing me across the room, I feel my thigh bump a table of some sort, the sharp corner catching me, I draw a sharp breath, knowing that will leave a bruise.

God I love marks.

He guides me roughly around the table and I now realise its not a table at all, it is a desk.

His desk.

I get pushed under the desk, into the hole where His legs would go.

"Take your Master's cock out kitty, and suck it while I get this work finished........."

I grin, and my hands move towards His crotch, "Yes Master"

Sunday, May 29, 2011

chains and tears.....

There I hung, blindfolded and chained, being flogged.

I dont remember when the tears started, either during or after.

Silent tears, just leaking out from under the blindfold.

I had no idea why.

I remember feeling Master move towards walking around to the front of me, I hung my head down, hoping He wouldnt notice the tears, but I had no way of wiping them.

He wiped my nose, much like you would for a child.....made me feel cared for, but guilty at the same time. It also made the tears come faster.

They are appearing again now as I think about it.

I had no idea why the tears were there. But I couldnt stop them either.

He asked me if I was ok.......and I lied.

I knew if I said I wasnt, that I would be let down from those chains, blindfold removed, it wasnt what I wanted.
I think I wanted more.

So I said I was fine.

I wasnt.

Master made sure I knew what my safeword was, repeated to me if I needed to use it...dont be scared, just say it.

That made the tears come again.

I learnt time I will tell the truth, that I am not ok.
It is my job to tell the truth.
I cant tell Him what I dont know, but I can tell Him what I DO know.
I didnt know what was wrong, but I DID know I wasnt ok.

I still dont know why I cried.
I may never know.
I do know I will tell the truth next time.

Friday, May 27, 2011

goddamn fucking golf....

Dont you just hate it when you find the perfect song for how you are feeling right at this very second, and the whole song resonates with you, and yet you know, that others wont take it the same way you do??

I found a song that PERFECTLY fits with my mood....there is a couple of lines in particular that just SIT RIGHT today.

Since the rest of the song, doesnt quite fit, I wont post all the lyrics, just the bit that sits right.

But bear in mind...this song is being played OVER AND OVER.

You took a long hard look at my ass
And then played golf for a while

Thursday, May 26, 2011


I have started and deleted about 5 blog posts today.

None sounded right.

So I am kinda giving up on trying today.

I am all so very excited and at the same time, dreading the next few weeks.

And, this week, Master gave me a very big gift, one I will be eternally grateful for, one which will help me over the time we have with no contact.

I best be very grateful tonight in person.

Tuesday, May 24, 2011

why Him.....

Often I blog, then a couple of hours later I think of something else to blog about, but I dont do it, then I forget what it was I was gonna blog I just have to, I cant NOT say it.

I found this quote today from Anais Nin

“I, with a deeper instinct, choose a man who compels my strength, who makes enormous demands on me, who does not doubt my courage or my toughness, who does not believe me naive or innocent, who has the courage to treat me like a woman.”
-Anais Nin
There are just some things in life you are compelled to do, for whatever reason.
My Journey into BDSM is one of those.
I couldn't NOT explore my curiosity any longer, I held out for a long time, thinking it was wrong, unnatural, dirty, disgusting, what ever you want to call it, but I was always fascinated and curious.
The ONE SINGLE thing that scared me the most was trusting someone who would HURT me, and I don't mean the pleasurable pain, I mean HURT.
I chatted to quite a few Dom men in the beginning, some were just idiots, some quite nice, and then there was HIM.
I called Him my "Mr Decadent" 
The world not into BDSM is often called "vanilla"
I am a confirmed chocoholic, always have been, always will be.
He was my Mr Decadent, the chocolate that every chocoholic craves.
There was something about Him I couldn't explain, it was as if I was drawn to Him.
That above quote explains a lot.
Its the way He makes me feel, about myself when alone, and also when I am with Him.
And most is the way He treats me.

Oh my......

once upon a time, I thought that if I was ever made to beg, that it would be just words I was repeating...

as in "yeah I want it, and if I have to beg to get it, I will just say it"

I now know...that sometime soon, I am gonna be begging for real.

as in "oh god. I am begging you, and I cant control the words coming out of my mouth"

I am kinda scared the words will come out like " I am begging you, you fucking bastard, let me cum, PLEASE"

I can see Master being none too impressed with being called a fucking bastard, but I figure, if he gets me begging that hard, He may have to excuse the words that come out of my mouth while in the moment.

I bought a Hitachi.

I used the Hitachi...


It damn near blew my head off.

That begging wont be far away now...I am sure on that.

Saturday, May 21, 2011

untitled writing...

He walks around her, ever so close, but yet not touching.

She can feel the air move around her as He walks around, occasionally running His fingertip over her body as she hangs from her wrists, tied to the ceiling. The room is silent, she hates silence, all she wants to hear is His voice, feel His mouth on her, somewhere, anywhere.

She is blindfolded, making her hearing more acute, straining to hear Him, what He is doing, but there is just silence.

She can smell His body close to her, the scent of Him making her cunt drip in excitement, she blushes as she can feel it run down her leg.

She imagines Him smiling, she knows He wont have missed it, her excitement, her breathing is shallow and fast, she cant relax, she is waiting, not knowing what he has planned.

His hand grabs her ponytail roughly, pulling her head back as far as it will go. She can feel the heat of His body close to hers, she knows He is standing right in front of her, as close as He can without touching.

Oh God, she wants His mouth, instead she hears Him tell her to open her mouth, His hand is still in her hair, so she knows she won't get lucky enough to be able to taste His cock.
She hears that distinctive noise of someone spitting, she feels it land on her tongue. She swallows, she knows she is swallowing His control over her. How can something that sounds so degrading turn her on so bad?

The hand is removed from her hair, she feels Him move away, she lets her head drop forward, resting her neck from the unnatural position He had held it in.


His lands lands hard on her arse.....then nothing.

She waits, knowing He is far from finished.
Just when she thinks nothing will happen, 10 fingertips run lightly and slowly down her back, it gives her goosebumps, she wants to shiver, its almost tickling, making her want to wriggle, but not wanting Him to stop touching her body.


2 more hard spanks land on her arse, one after the other in quick succession.

A hand lifts her chin, then she feels His mouth touching hers, His tongue lightly tracing the seam of her lips, she opens her mouth to Him, hoping her will kiss her hard, but He continues to tease.

Her eyes squeeze shut tightly behind the blindfold, a tear escaping, she hopes the blindfold will soak it up before He sees it.
It has been so long since she has felt His hands and mouth on her body. It is a craving she cant get enough of.

This is a moment she wishes could last forever. Her tied up, there for His pleasure, naked and exposed, her head screaming on the inside, wanting to beg Him to touch her, taste her, use her, anything.

Please Master......

Wednesday, May 18, 2011

more music.....

Yesterdays This Mornings very early blog caused Master some concern.

I know He looked at the blog before chatting to me for the simple fact when we were together yesterday, I got cheeky and threatened to post certain things, of which I was quickly informed I would be punished for.
Now since this punishment was the WORST things that I could see happening to me, of course I would behave and not say those certain cheeky thoughts on such a public forum.
(doesnt mean I didn't think about it though)

Sorry, sidetracked, back to the original story of the most Masterful horizontal flogging I have ever received.

Mostly I didn't post those things for two reasons...

1. In my damn stupid sub drop state, I needed to vent so I could get some sleep
and 2. Mostly I had forgotten what I had even threatened to post.
(must remember to take laptop and post straight away next time)

Even if I had remembered, there is no way in fucking hell I was going to actually say it in case I got said threatened punishment, which to me is something worse than death.
I am dry retching even thinking about it.

soooooo, after causing Master early morning concern, which was never my intention, we chatted, sorted out what may have caused it, yes I am aware sub drop cant be controlled, but I CAN learn what works to help lessen it, and when to expect it.

Sleep always makes me feel better, as does chocolate of some description, which doesnt help the diet, but who gives a shit when you feel that crappy.

Tonight I had a thought.......NO Master, now is not the time to panic, I have the occasional good thought, and Yes Master, I am well aware I have over thought this, but I figure the end result is ok, so its not a totally bad thing.

Music is always an influence on me, its something that calms the beast in me, I manage to sing my lungs out during almost everything I do while alone which gets rid of my inner demons. Some songs I put on repeat and sing over and over.

Tonight my music is a public declaration for MY wonderful Master who introduced me to some fantastic new experiences yesterday....YES Master, this song is for YOU!!

You are MY Candyman

Tarzan and Jane were swingin' on a vine  (ok so Jane is tied to the bed rather than swinging)
Candyman, Candyman
Sippin' from a bottle of vodka double wine
Sweet sugar candy man [whispered]

I met him out for dinner on a Friday night (or coffee on a Tuesday even)
He really had me working up an appetite
He had tattoos up and down his arm (or not, but who cares when he makes me feel like that)
There's nothing more dangerous than a boy with charm (boy oh boy *sigh*)
He's a one stop shop, makes the panties drop (when I am allowed to wear em)
He's a sweet-talkin', sugar coated candy man
A sweet-talkin', sugar coated candyman

Oh yeah..

He took me to the Spider Club at Hollywood and Vine 
We drank champagne and we danced all night
We shook the paparazzi for a big surprise
the gossip tonight will be tomorrow's headline

He's a one stop shop, makes my cherry pop
He's a sweet-talkin', sugar coated candy man
A sweet-talkin', sugar coated candyman

Se bop bop
Hey yeah

He's a one stop shop, makes my cherry pop
He's a sweet-talkin', sugar coated candy man oh
A sweet-talkin', sugar coated candyman

Woo yeah

Well by now I'm getting all bothered and hot (understatement)
When he kissed my mouth he really hit the spot ( oh my that mouth)
He had lips like sugar cane
Good things come to boys who wait (or demand and just take)

Tarzan and Jane were swingin' on a vine
Candy man, candy man
Sipping from a bottle of vodka double wine
Candy man, candy man

Sweet sugar candy man [whispered]
He's a one stop, gotcha hot, making all the panties drop
Sweet sugar candy man [whispered]
He's a one stop, got me hot, making my uh pop
Sweet sugar candy man [whispered]
He's a one stop, get it while it's hot, baby don't stop
Sweet sugar [whispered]

He got those lips like sugar cane
Good things come for boys who wait

He's a one stop shop with a real big uh
He's a sweet-talkin', sugar coated candyman [x3]

Tarzan and Jane were swingin' on a vine [x2]
Sippin' from a bottle of vodka double wine [x2]
Jane lost her grip and a-down she fell [x2]
Squared herself away as she let out a yell [x2] 

Yep, so now listening to that, thinking about His mouth, God Help me that mouth, I am off to errrrr, satisfy the beast within.

*wanders off remembering that mouth on my body, biting, licking, kissing me......walks quicker towards the toy box to find a vibe*

coming down is hard...


When every little thing seems like the biggest deal




Sitting with the tissues

Finding a space

Wanting to yell

Wanting something, but not quite sure what

Adam Lambert "Whataya want from me"

Hey, slow it down whataya want from me 
Whataya want from me 
Yeah I'm afraid whataya want from me 
Whataya want from me 

There might have been a time 
When I would give myself away 
Oooh once upon a time I didn't give a damn 
But now, here we are so whataya want from me 
Whataya want from me 

Just don't give up I'm workin it out 
Please don't give in, I won't let you down 
It messed me up, need a second to breathe 
Just keep coming around 
Hey, whataya want from me 
Whataya want from me 
Whataya want from me 

Yeah, it's plain to see (plain to see) 
that baby you're beautiful 
And there's nothing wrong with you 
(nothing wrong with you) 
It's me, I'm a freak (yeah) 
but thanks for lovin' me 
Cause you're doing it perfectly 
(it perfectly) 

There might have been a time 
When I would let you slip away 
I wouldn't even try 
But I think you could save my life 

Just don't give up I'm workin' it out 
Please don't give in, I won't let you down 
It messed me up, need a second to breathe 
Just keep comin around 
Hey, whataya want from me (Whataya want from me) 
Whataya want from me (Whataya want from me) 

Just don't give up on me 
(uuuuuuh) I won't let you down 
No, I won't let you down 

(So hey) just don't give up 
I'm workin it out 
Please don't give in, 
I won't let you down 
It messed me up (It messed me up) 
Need a second to breathe 
Just keep coming around 
Hey, whataya want from me 

Just don't give up I'm workin' it out 
Please don't give in, i won't let you down 
It messed me up, need a second to breathe 
Just keep coming around 
Hey, whataya want from me (whataya want from me) 
whataya want from me (whataya want from me) 
whataya want from me

I HATE sub drop.

Why does a few stolen hours in our busy lifestyles leave me feeling so crap after?? And yet all the while I feel like shit........ I am wanting more, More of what made me feel like shit to begin with.

A complete contradiction in terms, which in itself is the hardest thing to deal with.

He is like a drug. And I am addicted.

I want

Then I get

Then I go down

Then I want more

A series of Highs and Lows...both of which release such different emotions.


Monday, May 16, 2011

a smaller rant than planned...

I sat down earlier and typed this whole blog post ready to have a bit of a rant and a whinge.

Karma decided I obviously didn't need to post it, and every time I tried it gave me an error message.

3 hours later, I can finally post it, but I have learned something.

It is pretty much all crap, that I am sure no one wants to read, so I am not going to bother.

And the gist of it was, don't be cranky when Master doesn't even  know why, even if it has nothing to do with Him, its not fair, nor is it nice.

And dont think the world doesn't work in mysterious ways, cos it does, and sometimes you cant understand everything, you just need to accept what will be will be.

Damn....did that really come out of my mouth???

*walks away mumbling about trite clich├ęs and sounding like her mother*

Tuesday, May 10, 2011

it is the smell that gets me.....


Master: are you at work?

kitty: no I am at home

Master: ok

kitty: was there something you wanted me to do Master?

Master: in the next two days
I would like you to carry out some research
to look at BDSM pictures and copy the URL of those that you really like

kitty: ok Master

Master: 2) Tomorrow evening take 5 pictures

kitty: of anything in particular??

Master: yes
however on this occasion I will not tell you
you WILL know instinctively

kitty: I will know??

Master: yes

kitty: I think you over estimate my abilities some times

Master: this time my kitty you need to have trust in ME 

kitty: some days all you do is confuse me
today is one of those days

Master: yes and tomorrow night you will have clarity
just don't dwell on it
and await tomorrow NIGHT

kitty: ok MY Master, no dwelling and trust happening, but please dont think I am not still confused

Master: yes I know you are
it is my intention to be a little confusing today

kitty: hhhmmmppff

Master: lol

a message I found this morning.....

Master:  Hey there
I was just about to leave the office ..........
just wanted to wish you a couple of days full of smiles and smells
take care and chat soon
your Master

I have spent the day too busy to think about what this all meant, I just knew that tonight I have a couple of tasks to do.
Arriving home after work, I could see a parcel poking from the letterbox.
I grinned to myself, knowing who it would be from, and insatiably curious as to what might be in it.

This time, curiosity beat the nerves, and I didn't even get out of the car, just rolled down the window and reached out to remove the parcel, opening it there and then with my teeth, car still running....

As soon as I opened the bag even slightly with my teeth, I could smell Him.
I knew without a doubt what was in there without even seeing it.

I must have looked like someone who belongs on the short bus as I sat there with my nose stuck into a plastic post bag, sniffing like a junkie needing a fix.

I wonder if He wants the pics of me in His shirt, sans underwear and with the 5 inch heels?? or with the plain cotton panties and the pigtails happening.......

Either way, I know I will be wearing it to bed tonight, but I wont every night......what would I do when the smell is gone???

Saturday, May 7, 2011

embraced by a cloud.....

I lay on a cloud, in a sky filled with sunshine, basking in the feel of the softness that surrounds me.
I squirm, getting more settled into the pillow of the cloud, closing my eyes, feeling the cloud surround me, encompass me, holding me safe from falling to the earth.
The cloud whispers to me, moving me across the sky, showing me places I have never seen before, all the while the daylight surrounds us, shining brightly, allowing me to see ahead and behind.

Night falls, and I lay in peace on my cloud as the darkness begins to fall around me, I close my eyes and rejoice in the feel of the cloud beneath me, still holding me in, keeping me safe.

I drift off, relaxing into a slumber of contentment, always knowing my cloud will be there with me, supporting me, holding me safe.

I wake, startled, and not knowing what it was that shook me, I feel around me in the darkness, unable to see, not able to see where I am.

I can no longer feel the cloud beneath me, but yet, I am still there, high in the sky in the dark of night.
I KNOW it is there beneath me, but I can no longer feel it, or hear it whisper to me, there is no guiding comfort, only aloneness in the dead of the night.

I lay back...eyes wide open, stiff and rigid body, as if any movement will make me fall to the ground, and in my head I hear a voice.

It says,

Just lay there, the light will come again, the darkness does not last forever, you are not a child afraid of the dark, be patient.

Everything inside me screams out "I AM afraid of the dark, DONT tell me what to feel"

Yet the words never come to fruition, they lay deep inside me, trapped for the fear that any second now I will be falling.

My body as stiff as a board, I lay here, my head and heart having a fight over who is right, and who is wrong.

The head says.."You are still here, on the cloud, you are NOT falling and if you are patient, the sun will be up soon enough"

The heart says "How do you know you are still here? You can't feel the cloud, or hear it whisper to you like it does in the daylight"

A silent tear escapes from my eye, rolling a path gently down the side of my face.

I squeeze my eyes shut tightly, hoping the tears wont dissolve what holds me here, imagining in my head, that I hear music, and a soft light.

I lay there in silence, still stiff, but with no more tears escaping.
I force my body to relax, imagining the tension escaping out of me, still seeing the soft light in my head.

I do know the sun will be up soon.
I do now realise, the panic is more to do with feeling blinded by the dark, rather than being afraid of the dark itself. Not being able to see the cloud, or feel the cloud, hear it whisper words of comfort and guidance is what scares me.
I need to find myself a nightlight, make sure I have enough whispers saved to keep me going through the hours of darkness, but I still wait for the sun to return.
With the return of the sun, comes the return of my sanity, the darkness leaves me too much time to think.

Friday, May 6, 2011

Dear Master......

Dear Master,

I can remember telling you early on, before I submitted to you, before I became your girl, that any music I was listening to, would give you a clue to how I was feeling.
You remarked to me at the time "Should I be scared if you are listening to Metallica or the Angels?"

This is what I am listening to at the moment, and also WHY.....

Because the words say it all.....

You are always with me, no matter where I am or what I am doing. I wear your collar daily as my reminder that you own me.

I trust who I am, and who you are, there is no other person who matters in this dynamic, its is yours and mine alone.

I have never done this before, I trust you to guide me, show me, teach me.

I dont care what others think, this is ours alone, and there are things that they will never understand, and quite frankly...I dont care as it is none of their business.

I Thank You for being you, and for having me as your girl, I am very proud to be where I am today.

your kitty.

and the words to the song follow as I know you will know what the song sounds like, but wont be able to listen. :)

So close, no matter how far 
Couldn't be much more from the heart 
Forever trusting who we are 
and nothing else matters 

Never opened myself this way 
Life is ours, we live it our way 
All these words I don't just say 
and nothing else matters 

Trust I seek and I find in you 
Every day for us something new 
Open mind for a different view 
and nothing else matters 

never cared for what they do 
never cared for what they know 
but I know 

So close, no matter how far 
Couldn't be much more from the heart 
Forever trusting who we are 
and nothing else matters 

never cared for what they do 
never cared for what they know 
but I know 

Never opened myself this way 
Life is ours, we live it our way 
All these words I don't just say 

Trust I seek and I find in you 
Every day for us, something new 
Open mind for a different view 
and nothing else matters 

never cared for what they say 
never cared for games they play 
never cared for what they do 
never cared for what they know 
and I know 

So close, no matter how far 
Couldn't be much more from the heart 
Forever trusting who we are 
No, nothing else matters 

Metallica....Nothing Else Matters.

Thursday, May 5, 2011


I have struggled to think of something to write for a couple of days now, and I know I can damn well sit back and not post, but I just don't have it in me to leave it too long.

I guess I still don't have a topic, but I have a few rambling thoughts rolling around inside this bizarre head of mine.

I have wondered today if the reason I have nothing to write about is that all is well with me, and with US.

In fact, in some ways, although this week has been hectic for both of us, it would be right up there as one of my favourite weeks so far.

My brain hasn't farted and spat out anything horrid for me to make a big deal about, and I know we haven't SEEN each other, or even spoken this week, we have chatted online and through emails when schedules have permitted. (Dont get me started on LDR again) but its been a good week.

I have had some interesting tasks, being asked to wear only a see thru shirt, and nothing more for the day while home alone, and another day having to masterbate on the hour every hour, and then send a pic of the has made for a lot of learning in its own way.

Master gave me a BDSM checklist to fill in earlier in the week, and I have to admit, the results shocked me a little, and I have since been told, its time to ramp things up a little. I don't know whether to be excited or nervous!!!

I am excited because I love for Him to be able to introduce me to new things, and nervous that I won't live up to expectations at the same time.


I know that Master has patience, God Knows He has had to use it with me over the last 5 months, so if I dont succeed the first go, its just as well my motto is try it a second time to make sure the first was not a fluke.

I am looking forward to getting up close and personal with a flogger or some other instrument of torture for the first time, being tied up, which has happened to me before, but I am under NO illusions that this will not compare to that in so many ways it is just not funny. I am REALLY looking forward to some marking, although I am well aware that marking usually comes after pain of some sort. I am ever hopeful of becoming a pain slut, I know so far its been beyond all expectations.

This afternoon we tried without success to mesh our schedules to get in a play date before the end of the month, and so far, nothing has worked...I am debating chucking a sickie at work, but still.....that has to be worked out with His schedule, so no spur of the moment stuff this month.
Since we discussed it a couple of hours ago, I have thought about it some more, and I think its the smell and the sound that I am missing as much as the rest of it.
I get the Dominance online, Yes I know in person is different, but there is never a time when He doesnt own me, or that He is not far from my mind in all I do.
So maybe a lunch or a quick coffee might be the best we get, but you know what.....sometimes it the little things that are just as important as the big things.

The look on His face as He looks me up and down, the smell of Him as He sits opposite me, and the tone of His voice as He grills me, making sure I am where I have to be and need to be, those are the things that might help calm the fever til the next play.

Monday, May 2, 2011

from a Discerning Dom....

I follow a few different blogs, the ones on the left are all blogs where I find the most interest for me, for various reasons.

Some are just beginning their journey as I am, others are into their journey and can often offer some insight into what might lie ahead for me, and then there is Clive, who gets a category of his own...He makes me laugh in a wonderful way.

One blog I recently added to mine was a blog by a Dom. These seem to be few and far between, I have found a few, but most either don't make sense to me, their language doesn't appeal or they just speak of things I have no interest in reading. This one was different. Well written, in depth, and emotionally appealing in different ways. 

The Discerning Dom's latest post was about "Breaking her"

He isn't talking breaking bones, He is talking getting to the absolute inner core where she can deny Him nothing, there is no barrier left to overcome.

Some parts of the post rang inside me, I can see myself in a lot of these things, I have limits, and I know, down the track, these will no doubt change as our relationship grows, they have already. 3 Months ago there was a lot more on the NO GO list than there is now, I have learnt a lot already. And I can already see that Master pushes me gently into things that will prepare me for pushing more limits.

Sometimes you even find out that what she said was a no-go area is the thing that excites her most of all. It doesn’t mean she is playing games, telling you she won’t do this or that while knowing very well, and hoping, that this will only lead you to push harder in that direction. I think a girl can honestly say, I don’t like that, and yet such is the wonderful mystery of d/s, you one day find you are pushing at an open door.

This statement IS me at the moment, I have open doors that even as little as a month ago were firmly closed, some even locked.

But eventually, when you get past all this, you find that there is still an inner citadel unconquered, a castle keep where she will make her last stand. That’s where she guards her innermost secrets. She knows that if you gain entrance there, all is lost.

This statement made me want to scream out "Please don't tell Him that, what will I have left??"

The thought that one day I may lay broken before Him, scares the bejeesus out of me. If I give Him all, what do I do then?? 

But at the same time, it appeals to me....If I give Him all, and surrender my everything, how can I ask for more?? Isn't that the goal?? To be able to give everything?? To lay bared before Him knowing there can be no bigger sign of trust, to totally surrender and let it ALL go, I wonder whether it might be like floating on a cloud....

.....there is still some part of her that she wants to keep inviolate, that she withholds.

But I read further and find that...and know, deep inside me, that's where I will sit, there will always be something....a little part of me that He will never get, that's the part that helps me keep my sanity on the days where I wonder why the fuck I do what I do.