Thursday, March 31, 2011


when I calm down enough to be able to even contemplate whats happened I will be back to write one final post.

my journey with Him is over....I was released, I let Him down.

I know I could keep this blog going, but I feel if would dishonor what we had, this was always our journey, His and mine, and it seems its over.

now that the comments have to be approved, anyone wanting to keep in touch, please feel free to comment and send me your email address.

Wednesday, March 23, 2011

see you all soon...

Real Life has interrupted my journey temporarily.

See you all again soon.

Tuesday, March 22, 2011

you can get fucked......

Thanks to an anonymous commenter, I felt I had to change the settings 
so I can CHECK the comment before its posted......

If there is one thing in this life I hate more than a liar...its JUDGEMENTAL people.

I live my life the best way I can, I sleep at night with a CLEAR CONSCIENCE. 

I COULD have done MANY things in my marriage, but I ALWAYS tried to be the best wife and mother I could.

I didn't cheat

I didn't lie

I didn't steal

what I did do, was marry the wrong person, fall OUT of love, and end my marriage so we could BOTH have a HAPPY life...instead of making each other miserable, and more to the point...make the kids miserable!

some people reading this might be surprised at my tone, those who know me will not.






I used to love being able to click onto my blog and just see what others had was always a pleasant surprise til now.........

and for those of you wanting to comment...feel free


This is MY BLOG and if you dont like it....dont let the door hit your arse on the way out.

apologies to the anonymous commenter.....perhaps I should show a little more "grace and class" but like I said...if you dont like it YOU CAN GET FUCKED.

Monday, March 21, 2011

cleaning and hiding......

I am madly cleaning in the hope that Master will be here tomorrow

I have already (as instructed) tied the scarves to the bed head.....**GRINS**

this will be there first time I don't have any instructions as to what to be wearing NOR do I have any idea about what might happen...normally I get a hint or two.

I guess the whole no instructions over what to wear are my own fault....I did mention last week that I had an outfit in mind IN CASE He ever forgot......hmmmm, I think He might be curious...glad to see I am not the only one ;)

I think the bit that made Master so curious was I did say to Him, "and you can wreck it if you want...or you can watch, or you can play...its up to you"

and all I know now is, I have hidden the rolling pins (story for another day and NO He did not beat me with it) and am still debating over hiding the wooden spoons. ....Stop snickering Sarah ;)

oh! and the house is clean....well, until the darling children get out of bed in the morning anyway.

Saturday, March 19, 2011

it all started with porn....

What happened that made you realize that a fetish or kinky lifestyle was something you desired in some capacity? Was it something that happened from a more experienced partner, or watching porn, or a dirty joke?

Again, another post of Fetlife, but one that made me think of why I do this....

I have always watched porn, for as long as I can remember...well, at least since I can remember finding a porn movie in the bottom drawer of my parents bedroom in my early teens.

I used to come home from school and was alone til my parents finished was then I used to rush to the bedroom, put the movie on, masturbate, and quickly rewind it back to where I found it so I didnt get caught. Over the years the movies varied a bit, looking back, some really didnt appeal at all, but I still did it...probably for the thrill factor of doing something I knew I shouldnt be.

Entering into the world of actually HAVING a sexual relationship, I always know I liked things rough, fast, hard, and you could shove slow and romantic so far up your arse that it would never be found.
I didnt know back then that I was submissive, but I knew I liked it when they controlled things.

I had an ex boyfriend...we were together for a year or so, and he was about the first of everthing, the first I gave oral to, the first to give me oral, we tried anal...he was HUGE...IT FUCKING HURT...but looking back, neither of us really knew what it was all about.
I can remember tying him up one night...pouring something all over him and licking it off, and I think that night I actually came without being touched.
I will say...untying those stockings and letting him up was the fun part...he turned me onto hands and knees and fucked me harder than I had ever had it.

We watched porn together, and I can remember one night in a drunken state him suggesting we get one of his mates to join us. I agreed, but it never happened.

Fast forward a year or so, he and I broke up, and I had met the guy who would become my husband...from here on in, known as the dickwad.

I admit...I settled.

He was stable, and I thought would be a good provider. I was truly scared of being left on the shelf....what the fuck did I know at 21?? not much obviously.

Within a couple of years, I no longer wanted to have sex with was boring, he was a premature ejaculator...and I was over the 2 pump bang and roll over.
I tried to spice things up as best I could...but nothing worked and it got to the point I would shudder at the thought of him touching me at all.
This didnt kill the marriage, I sucked that bit up and figured I would live the rest of my life with no was the lack of communication with him that killed the marriage, after 11 years of marriage, he didnt want to discuss why we hadnt had sex in over 18 months, or why I had stopped wearing my wedding rings..and even when I fronted him to say these things...he refused to discuss I asked him to leave.

I had filled my nights in with the computer...met some exceptionally wonderful people...flirted a bit, and met someone who I knew had a sex life that was "out of the ordinary" to me.
Being the curious person I am..I pestered him with questions...he answered every one with patience...pointed me in the direction of a few different sites....the rest is history.
I jumped in the deep end.

sooo, looking back, I was always different to my friends, I was never the girly girl who needed to be in love to get laid. I had my fair share of one night stands, always egging them on to see if they couldnt make it a bit rougher, harder, faster, so I guess this side of me has always been was just hidden for the longest time.

Poor Master....I have 14 years to make up wonder I am so impatient.....and after living with someone who didnt turn me on for the longest time...I am like a kid in the candy shop now...wanting it all and wanting it NOW.......

Friday, March 18, 2011

romance v's submission

I recent post on Fetlife made me smile.....

the question was something similar to "Is it possible to have a Master without the romance?"

my reply was........

define romance......
Master and I have sessions, we dont do dinner, dates, movies, hold hands in public, or any other the other things some people define as romantic.
Do I care??...yes, I trust him with my emotional and physical safety, for me, there is a certain amount of caring involved in that.
I flirt, and I care about his wellbeing, happiness, and all those other things, we talk every day mostly, but is there romance?....not really, but there is a certain amount of tenderness when he holds me after a session, and kisses me goodbye.
So I guess it all depends on your definition of romance
THEN, tonight, out of the blue...Master popped online.... definitely not the norm for us to be online chatting at that time of night.
What surprised me was He asked me to define our relationship into percentages.
I didnt really get what He meant, and so probably only managed to confuse Him as much as myself.
I have thought about it a little more now......
not to say that I still understand, but who knows, maybe I CAN explain it.

So to cut the bullshit rambling down, it goes like this......
He is 99% Master and 1% some guy I met ;)
He makes me feel the following things...
I have the following feelings for Him....
and whatever you call that feeling where all I want to do is sit at the floor at his feet and rest my head against his leg.....
Why I chose Him to meet rather than others I spoke to.....
He's Mr Decadent....every chocoholics dream
I trusted Him the minute I laid eyes on Him, that has only grown since
I respect Him
I cannot imagine letting any of the others I spoke to...doing to me, what He does
AND...He turns me on like NO other man EVER has

sooooo, to end it all, I would give up the romance to have Him. To me, the submission means more than the romance does. I can get a date for dinner or the movies anytime, what I cant the way He, and ONLY HE, makes me feel.

Tuesday, March 15, 2011

snakes and ladders....

A comment to Sarah the other day made me think this journey is a lot like snakes and ladders.

One minute you are safely standing on a square, feeling safe, then someone else rolls the dice, and its back to your roll the dice, and sometimes you go up...and sometimes you go down. Sometimes you just move sideways a little, but the landing at the bottom of the ladder always surprised me as a kid.

I hated having to go back over all those squares I had already been past.

I think its the impatience in me.........or it could be I feel like once I have learnt something, I shouldn't have to learn it all over again.

Don't get me wrong...nothing wrong with revision, but I like to do that when I am unsure, or have a doubt I need clarified. I often re-read Master and my chats over again after He has gone...smiling over some things and frowning over others. I never fail to see something that I missed during the conversations.

Last week was a quick trip DOWN the biggest ladder I have seen so far in my I feel like I have moved a little sideways...haven't gone too far up, but I haven't gone backwards either.

Monday, March 14, 2011

"twue" submissive......

bored this morning, I found a quiz or two to try.....this score interested me for the simple reason that it asked some very different questions....things I hadnt tried. And I guess possibly because every question made me think of what Master does to me when He is may not be truly reflective....might be good to redo again somewhere down the track when I know a bit more.

I didnt mean that to sound as if I expected the general result to change, I know damn well I am submissive, although this week, having been allowed to speak to Doms again, I can give you the names of a few who would tell you I am not a twue submissive.......being told to send naked pics, or do as I was told, seems to invoke the "get fucked" button I have....apparently thats not something a twue submissive says....oh well.

Even pointing out that I was honest and upfront, telling them I already had a Master I was very happy with, and that I wasnt chatting with them to find a new one, or one in addition to the one I already have, didnt seem to make much difference.

I would be interested in hearing from other submissives who speak to other Doms, how they get treated, what it is they chat about or whether or not they even speak to other Doms while they are collared.

And of course....if there happen to be any Doms reading this...I would love to hear from you as to how you treat submissives who are collared to others, or whether thats a no go territory.
I can understand the protection part of it, I can also understand the protocols of approaching a subs Master for permission to speak to her, but they way I see it, while someone approaching Master to ask permission to speak to me would make me smile that they understand how important that would be to both of us....why is it that the general assumption is that submissives cant have Doms as friends?? or is this an assumption that is complete and utter bullshit?? Can this happen and it not cause issues??

arghhhhh Curiosity strikes again

You Scored as SubmissiveYou are into or need to be dominated. You get turned on from someone else taking control and controlling you inside or out of the bedroom or dungeon. Switches are a mix of submissive and dominant.


Sunday, March 13, 2011

not strangers at all......

having the invite to get away for the weekend, delighted me

I felt like I could get away from it all, no dickwad, no kids, no BDSM, no nothing, just good company and some relaxation.

its nearly over.......I am about to head for home

it HAS been a relaxing weekend, dinner and good company, no pressures, a sleep in, and to top it off, just got an email from a friend and we are going to attempt to catch up on my way back home.

I will stop in the city and see if we cant have coffee.

I love new friends.......I have made a few new friends along this journey, mostly other subs, but I see that as a good thing, its these people who can relate to all the things I am going through, all the things ahead of me, and how hard the journey has been so far.

there is no such thing as a stranger.....just a friend I havent met yet.

so to all my new friends...and the poor friends I had before who I dragged along my journey....

thank you...from the bottom of my heart....where would we be without friends xooxoxo

Thursday, March 10, 2011


I love to be able to write about what I feel

similarly, I also love to read other peoples writings

sometimes they have the knack of saying what I feel and cant express

both _sub_girl and Sarah, amongst other people have written things, 
and it is as if they reached into my mind and took a handful of my thoughts that were jumbled, 
they sorted them out and got them written in a way I could only dream of

as much as I love to write and read others writing, I love for people to comment on mine

sometimes they provide a perspective I hadnt thought of

sometimes its just nice to know that others are dealing with the same issues

the feeling of knowing you are not the only one to go through these things sometimes can help immensely

we are not alone on our journey's 

and its nice to know there are others on the same path

Tuesday, March 8, 2011

feeling better.......

I am not even going to attempt to say the last 7 days have been the best 
or even remotely close to the best of my BDSM journey so far.

and I know that today wasnt supposed to be the end of the week I asked for

Thanks to Sarah...I finally got the feelings out...even if they werent my own words.

I did the same with a post from _sub_girl in the beginning

some days the words flow off the fingers...other times...Im stuck

thanks to these 2 wonderful ladies and my bestie Dot...I have a clear head...finally

Master and I talked a lot of the day today

I am a LOT clearer after chatting to him..I needed to make sure he understood

The pic above is how I feel today

my hands are tied....but with a a bow

not in a bad way....quite the opposite

that pic makes me feel calm...I FEEL calm

as Master put it.... I have clarity

so thank you to all.......where would we be without friends??

oh!! and I have tasks again...YAY..I have kinda missed em...but shhhhh ;)

Monday, March 7, 2011

Sarah's words...not mine

Entering into a relationship with a dominate man I was very cautious of what I may be getting into. I was unsure of how dominant he may be or how much he would expect me to sexually submit to him. I was so scared of the sexual component of the relationship, I wasn't taking into consideration the emotional and mental parts of me I would ultimately end up surrendering as well. Surrender is a good word for this scenario. The word surrender means to give up oneself, as into the power of another. And that's exactly what I did.
I turned over the salt shaker to spice up what had been missing from the dish. What I didn't know was that the lid wasn't screwed on all the way. The salt came pouring out and spoiled the whole meal. This is where I have been living in my head for the past few days. My initial intent was to seek a man who would give me what had eluded me for so long sexually. What I didn't know was having that need fulfilled would cause a chain reaction within me to literally spill over.
So what is it like inside my head when he isn't around? That answer varies. For the most part, I go about my day, working, taking care of my family and my responsibilities. But even when I am going about my normal routine, his voice plays as the background noise in my head. It's a loneliness that can't be explained. A sort of social pain alerting me to this undesired isolation and motivating me to seek a connection to anyone who will listen. It's a royal pain in the ass is what it is and if it had an off switch I'd flip that bitch faster than a pancake. I try to ignore the need to be near him, hear his voice or even read his words. I try to involve myself in mundane tasks and hobbies I normally derive pleasure from. But for the most part, I am only trying to fill a vast space of need with a grain of salt.
Before him, I never minded being alone, physically or emotionally. I've never cared about being held or loved by a man. I could always soothe my own thoughts and fears. I was independent. No way for me to get hurt. I had too many safe guards in place to allow such nonsense. If I needed anything from a man, I took it from him and watched him in the rear view mirror as I left. Over and over again this is what I had done. Until it was such second nature I had very little voice of morality anymore. I had walls....thick, huge emotional walls. I created these walls out of necessity so I had a place to hide from a past lover's inability to care for me. This lover's daily reminders that I am "broken" and "unlovable" left me with a beautiful fortress of walls built one "I don't give a fuck about being loved" brick at a time. I didn't have to feel scared or alone because I didn't give anyone the access needed to allow me feel that way. I was safe alone.
But then HE came along. He asked me to step outside of my fortress, take his hand, a leap of faith he called it. And against all my womanly instincts of self preservation, I did as I was asked, it was after all what I was seeking. I stepped out of my world of womanhood and entered his world as a scared little girl. I asked God if this is who I am supposed to be? God answered in silent reverie and so I closed my eyes and jumped into the abyss.
So what is it I miss when he is gone? I miss his tasks and assignments for me. The simple things I would do to make me feel close to him when it isn't possible to do so. I miss having a date night to look forward to. A time when I know he will see me. I miss the times when he had something planned for us. That subtle reminder that I was on his mind too. I miss his breath on my neck and his low voice in my ear. I miss the way he looks mad at me and then burst into laughter. I miss the way he says "Oh really?" when I'm being bratty. I miss the way he kisses the back of my hand in public and twists that hand behind my back in private. I miss lying at his feet. I miss the internal feeling of peace and calamity that comes with kneeling in front of him. I miss the feeling of belonging. If only for a moment, I belonged somewhere when I was in his presence. I miss the way his words serenade me into ecstasy during play. I miss those moments he takes my breath away with his touch. I miss the way he stares at me. In those moments he stares at me without speaking I feel exhilarated. I miss who I am when I am with him.
The more I miss him the more I start to feel uneasy with the amount of space growing between me and my fortress of walls. I feel the need to retreat. The need to reclaim control of the parts of myself I have given away. I feel torn between the world of safety I know and the world he laid in front of me. For now I will try to lay still. Stop thinking about safety and stop thinking about him. If I can't be with him and I can't hide behind my walls, all I can do is concentrate on being still for now.

I came across a post on hit the very core of my was all the things I had in my head and didn't know...didn't know how to explain to myself let alone put into words to be able to explain for Master, I commented that I would be following the discussion with interest as this was the same place I had found myself in.
The OP (original poster) was Sarah.....above are her words, written by her, about her, about her my head you can pretty much switch me for her.....I am there, where she is, and thanks to I don't have to try and explain it.
 I sent Master the link...we chatted today.
I still have to get my head in order...I think now, thanks to Sarah, it might be easier.
I still have the rest of the week to get through.

Sunday, March 6, 2011


a wise Man once told me that I had fantasies.....and that I just didn't know it yet.

out of  a. lack of anything better to do (see yesterdays post to know why no cleaning required)
and     b. the futile attempt to try and work out why I feel the way I do

I decided (in all my *cough* wisdom) that I would lay in bed late...close my eyes, ignore the screams of "he used all the milk" and think about what is the one thing, kink wise, that I want in my future, and who would appear in such fantasy.

the good thing about fantasies is they don't necessarily have to come true, nor do you have to imagine yourself with someone that you actually have a snowballs chance in hell of really being with.

sooooo, eyes closed, ears pretty much closed as well, nose open for the smell of the house on fire ( you never know with my kids)  daydream land here I come................

Thirty minutes later...the bed now requiring changing AGAIN....and I have my fantasy stuck firmly in my head.

I race out of bed...nearly hitting the floor face first due to the shaky legs, kettle on, outside for a smoke, back in, coffee made, kids settled and I am in front of the computer trying to get it into an email before I lose any of the detail.......typing feverishly.... the words coming quicker than my 2 fingered typing can keep up with.

Its done.

Another coffee, grab the smokes and back outside for a little sunshine.......for the first time in nearly 2 weeks and my head is clear... I know EXACTLY what I want, HOW I want it, and more importantly WHY I want it.

Now I am not trying to say that I wont ever get neurotic again...SHIT I know myself well enough to know that will happen again at some point...hopefully not like this again, but when I stepped back and looked at it as if I was on the outside... I am still a newb, there is A LOT I don't know about yet, these are all NEW feelings for me, and because I am blunt, honest and upfront, I don't hide them like some people can...its just not in me to do it.

WHY would I have ever thought that I would understand all these new feelings without some help???

Don't know?

Me either!!

The bit that tripped me up, was I hid the feelings I had, then the doubts crept in...after that I was FUCKED

*sighs* Oh I only have a week to get through, I have made plans to be busy every night this week, daytimes are gonna be the killer.

A week with NO contact? WHAT THE FUCK WAS I THINKING?

Saturday, March 5, 2011

keeping busy........

went to work

picked up kids

mowed lawns

did the edges

weeded the garden

stripped the beds

cleaned the bathroom

swept the floor

mopped the swept floor

cooked dinner

folded the washing

and the whole fucking time I was wondering why I sent that damn email

keeping your hands and body busy, like I did today, doesn't stop the brain from thinking.

if anyone has any ideas on how to make this week easier....or if there is something I haven't thought of, a comment, something...anything....please PLEASE comment

Friday, March 4, 2011

its all fucked up....

it makes me feel like a child to whinge

I got my first email that wasn't signed "Master"

I didn't like that feeling at all

I hated being called girl to begin with

I got used to it

this email began "Hey there"

I miss "girl"

I miss "my girl" even more

I want to get on my knees and beg forgiveness for being an idiot

but I know I need to get my fucked up head in order

I need someone to tell me to pull my head in

a week is a long time.....

Dear Master,

I am going to begin this by apologizing, I warn you in advance this is not going to make much sense, but it doesnt to me either and I am at a loss how to explain it.

Numerous times in the past few weeks I have told you that I am addicted to you...that hasnt changed...not in the slightest.

But what I would like to do, with your permission is have a week off so to speak.

I dont want to remove your collar...far from it, if I could have more I would, what I would like is to take a step back to clear my head.

I have doubts, I do not know where they came from, I have had them a while, I cant budge them..not matter what I do, and I dont know that trying to explain them will help anyone.

I will not be speaking to other members of the bdsm community during this week unless they are female.

I would like to stay in touch...via email. I dont think having NO contact will help, but I dont know for sure either.

I love my written tasks, but would leave the amount of contact and whether or not I was to do tasks entirely up to you.

I will still be updating the blog, daily if I can.

I dont know if I can add more, or even explain better, and if this is all too much, I would understand the removal of my collar, I know I havent been the easiest lately.


I think I get to keep my collar

I have been granted the week off

its to be with no contact

I will be blogging daily how FUCKING HARD THIS WILL BE

apologies in advance for the next 10 days

now I am getting off here...and going to watch a dvd..

I wonder whether its possible to be wanting too much??

Thursday, March 3, 2011

more tears.....

today I am lost.

my best friend....who I met online over a year ago, has gone offline due to RL stuff.

as you can probably guess...we live in different countries, so online is our only contact.

occasionally we text...I know I can call her on the phone.

its not the point.

we talked most days

we shared secrets

she knows about Master...she knows how I feel about Him, how He makes me feel, she supported me on my journey when others didnt/couldnt/wouldnt.

now shes offline, and I am in tears....very selfish on my behalf, which makes me feel worse.

I love her dearly...and I told her all the time, so I hope she remembers while she is gone.

I dont know what I will do without her words of wisdom, she always knew when I was hiding something, if I hadnt told the whole truth, she would front me on it, call me out so to speak, she would make me admit how I honestly felt, but at the same time remind me to do whats best for one else, just ME.

I am a little scared that without her to run to, that I will fall in a big heap, but I also know I can do this without her...its my preference NOT TO.

if you click can see her final goodbye to me...which made me cry, but smile at the same time.

Tuesday, March 1, 2011


Master is not happy with me

I dont like it

wish I had never said anything

I amend the I dont like it statement


and I hate the fact that I cant hear His voice

I dont want to hear the anger and disappointment

His voice just makes me feel better