fantasy.....

a wise Man once told me that I had fantasies.....and that I just didn't know it yet.

out of  a. lack of anything better to do (see yesterdays post to know why no cleaning required)
and     b. the futile attempt to try and work out why I feel the way I do

I decided (in all my *cough* wisdom) that I would lay in bed late...close my eyes, ignore the screams of "he used all the milk" and think about what is the one thing, kink wise, that I want in my future, and who would appear in such fantasy.

the good thing about fantasies is they don't necessarily have to come true, nor do you have to imagine yourself with someone that you actually have a snowballs chance in hell of really being with.

sooooo, eyes closed, ears pretty much closed as well, nose open for the smell of the house on fire ( you never know with my kids)  daydream land here I come................

Thirty minutes later...the bed now requiring changing AGAIN....and I have my fantasy stuck firmly in my head.

I race out of bed...nearly hitting the floor face first due to the shaky legs, kettle on, outside for a smoke, back in, coffee made, kids settled and I am in front of the computer trying to get it into an email before I lose any of the detail.......typing feverishly.... the words coming quicker than my 2 fingered typing can keep up with.

Its done.

Another coffee, grab the smokes and back outside for a little sunshine.......for the first time in nearly 2 weeks and my head is clear... I know EXACTLY what I want, HOW I want it, and more importantly WHY I want it.

Now I am not trying to say that I wont ever get neurotic again...SHIT I know myself well enough to know that will happen again at some point...hopefully not like this again, but when I stepped back and looked at it as if I was on the outside... I am still a newb, there is A LOT I don't know about yet, these are all NEW feelings for me, and because I am blunt, honest and upfront, I don't hide them like some people can...its just not in me to do it.

WHY would I have ever thought that I would understand all these new feelings without some help???

Don't know?

Me either!!

The bit that tripped me up, was I hid the feelings I had, then the doubts crept in...after that I was FUCKED


*sighs* Oh well...now I only have a week to get through, I have made plans to be busy every night this week, daytimes are gonna be the killer.

A week with NO contact? WHAT THE FUCK WAS I THINKING?