What happened that made you realize that a fetish or kinky lifestyle was something you desired in some capacity? Was it something that happened from a more experienced partner, or watching porn, or a dirty joke?
Again, another post of Fetlife, but one that made me think of why I do this....
I have always watched porn, for as long as I can remember...well, at least since I can remember finding a porn movie in the bottom drawer of my parents bedroom in my early teens.
I used to come home from school and was alone til my parents finished work...it was then I used to rush to the bedroom, put the movie on, masturbate, and quickly rewind it back to where I found it so I didnt get caught. Over the years the movies varied a bit, looking back, some really didnt appeal at all, but I still did it...probably for the thrill factor of doing something I knew I shouldnt be.
Entering into the world of actually HAVING a sexual relationship, I always know I liked things rough, fast, hard, and you could shove slow and romantic so far up your arse that it would never be found.
I didnt know back then that I was submissive, but I knew I liked it when they controlled things.
I had an ex boyfriend...we were together for a year or so, and he was about the first of everthing, the first I gave oral to, the first to give me oral, we tried anal...he was HUGE...IT FUCKING HURT...but looking back, neither of us really knew what it was all about.
I can remember tying him up one night...pouring something all over him and licking it off, and I think that night I actually came without being touched.
I will say...untying those stockings and letting him up was the fun part...he turned me onto hands and knees and fucked me harder than I had ever had it.
We watched porn together, and I can remember one night in a drunken state him suggesting we get one of his mates to join us. I agreed, but it never happened.
Fast forward a year or so, he and I broke up, and I had met the guy who would become my husband...from here on in, known as the dickwad.
I admit...I settled.
He was stable, and I thought would be a good provider. I was truly scared of being left on the shelf....what the fuck did I know at 21?? not much obviously.
Within a couple of years, I no longer wanted to have sex with him...it was boring, he was a premature ejaculator...and I was over the 2 pump bang and roll over.
I tried to spice things up as best I could...but nothing worked and it got to the point I would shudder at the thought of him touching me at all.
This didnt kill the marriage, I sucked that bit up and figured I would live the rest of my life with no sex......it was the lack of communication with him that killed the marriage, after 11 years of marriage, he didnt want to discuss why we hadnt had sex in over 18 months, or why I had stopped wearing my wedding rings..and even when I fronted him to say these things...he refused to discuss it...so I asked him to leave.
I had filled my nights in with the computer...met some exceptionally wonderful people...flirted a bit, and met someone who I knew had a sex life that was "out of the ordinary" to me.
Being the curious person I am..I pestered him with questions...he answered every one with patience...pointed me in the direction of a few different sites....the rest is history.
I jumped in the deep end.
sooo, looking back, I was always different to my friends, I was never the girly girl who needed to be in love to get laid. I had my fair share of one night stands, always egging them on to see if they couldnt make it a bit rougher, harder, faster, so I guess this side of me has always been there...it was just hidden for the longest time.
Poor Master....I have 14 years to make up for...no wonder I am so impatient.....and after living with someone who didnt turn me on for the longest time...I am like a kid in the candy shop now...wanting it all and wanting it NOW.......
it takes two to tango in a marriage or any other relationship. You refer to him as 'dickwad' and that you 'settled'.
ReplyDeleteI wonder what choice language he has to describe you? Have some grace and class.
He refers to me as the dragon or the bitch..and has no compunction in saying it to my face...therefore I think I am entitled to call him what the fuck I like.
ReplyDeleteNEVER have I said a bad word about him in front of my kids, and if you knew all the details...you may have kept your comment to yourself.
girl, please ignore a comment like this. It is from someone who hides away and wont put their name to their comment. Does show that they too might be a dickwad and clearly makes unnecessary judgments unlike the one I just made after it being validated by this person them self.
ReplyDeleteyou have my support.
Your Master
I couldn't veer from this post without leaving a comment. I read it....left....and had to come back to it, feeling severely 'irked' at the audacity of some people.
ReplyDelete'Anonymous', I wonder if you just stumbled across this blog and couldn't resist the urge to post such unconstructive and high minded comments? Where do you get off in passing judgement on someone/something you obviously know absolutely nothing about?
Perhaps a some 'grace and class' could be applied in your own life!
his girl ... chin up hun. You alone know the journey you travelled in your marriage and shouldn't have to justify your words/actions to anyone, much less someone who hides behind anonymity and obviously has no idea of the history or persons involved. *hugs* xoxox always
*sighs* some people!!!!!
I wasn't going to comment (as my Master will probably spank me later for what I'm about to say)but here goes anyway....
ReplyDeleteThe greatest ignorance one can obtain is to cast judgment on a subject of no experience.
We each have a journey in life. That journey sometimes leads us to places not on the map. One doesn't stand before their Maker and profess their love of another human being with the thought that those words may not hold true later in life. Only you can know the intricate details of your journey. Only you can feel the pains of failure of the choices made and the joys that come with making better decisions for yourself in the future.
When dealing with matters of the heart there is no rule book. You can only make decisions based on what is best for you with minimal damage to those you love. Those who stand before you shaking their heads in disbelief and scorning you publicly for the decisions you have made are cowardly at best.
It takes real courage to admit when love is gone. It takes even more courage to DO something about it in the pursuit of your individual happiness. If you call your ex a dickwad along the way SO FUCKING BE IT! If people want to call you names, FUCK THOSE FUCKTWITS TOO! If you want to roll his motorcycle off a cliff, I will help you push (oh wait a minute, that's what I want to do my ex, never mind).
Point is, those who love you understand and support what you are going through. The "holy ones" who hide behind anonymous comments and computer screens casting the first stones, will not take the time to understand your journey and therefore, hold no power over you.
xoxoxo
Sarah