Monday, March 7, 2011

Sarah's words...not mine


Entering into a relationship with a dominate man I was very cautious of what I may be getting into. I was unsure of how dominant he may be or how much he would expect me to sexually submit to him. I was so scared of the sexual component of the relationship, I wasn't taking into consideration the emotional and mental parts of me I would ultimately end up surrendering as well. Surrender is a good word for this scenario. The word surrender means to give up oneself, as into the power of another. And that's exactly what I did.
I turned over the salt shaker to spice up what had been missing from the dish. What I didn't know was that the lid wasn't screwed on all the way. The salt came pouring out and spoiled the whole meal. This is where I have been living in my head for the past few days. My initial intent was to seek a man who would give me what had eluded me for so long sexually. What I didn't know was having that need fulfilled would cause a chain reaction within me to literally spill over.
So what is it like inside my head when he isn't around? That answer varies. For the most part, I go about my day, working, taking care of my family and my responsibilities. But even when I am going about my normal routine, his voice plays as the background noise in my head. It's a loneliness that can't be explained. A sort of social pain alerting me to this undesired isolation and motivating me to seek a connection to anyone who will listen. It's a royal pain in the ass is what it is and if it had an off switch I'd flip that bitch faster than a pancake. I try to ignore the need to be near him, hear his voice or even read his words. I try to involve myself in mundane tasks and hobbies I normally derive pleasure from. But for the most part, I am only trying to fill a vast space of need with a grain of salt.
Before him, I never minded being alone, physically or emotionally. I've never cared about being held or loved by a man. I could always soothe my own thoughts and fears. I was independent. No way for me to get hurt. I had too many safe guards in place to allow such nonsense. If I needed anything from a man, I took it from him and watched him in the rear view mirror as I left. Over and over again this is what I had done. Until it was such second nature I had very little voice of morality anymore. I had walls....thick, huge emotional walls. I created these walls out of necessity so I had a place to hide from a past lover's inability to care for me. This lover's daily reminders that I am "broken" and "unlovable" left me with a beautiful fortress of walls built one "I don't give a fuck about being loved" brick at a time. I didn't have to feel scared or alone because I didn't give anyone the access needed to allow me feel that way. I was safe alone.
But then HE came along. He asked me to step outside of my fortress, take his hand, a leap of faith he called it. And against all my womanly instincts of self preservation, I did as I was asked, it was after all what I was seeking. I stepped out of my world of womanhood and entered his world as a scared little girl. I asked God if this is who I am supposed to be? God answered in silent reverie and so I closed my eyes and jumped into the abyss.
So what is it I miss when he is gone? I miss his tasks and assignments for me. The simple things I would do to make me feel close to him when it isn't possible to do so. I miss having a date night to look forward to. A time when I know he will see me. I miss the times when he had something planned for us. That subtle reminder that I was on his mind too. I miss his breath on my neck and his low voice in my ear. I miss the way he looks mad at me and then burst into laughter. I miss the way he says "Oh really?" when I'm being bratty. I miss the way he kisses the back of my hand in public and twists that hand behind my back in private. I miss lying at his feet. I miss the internal feeling of peace and calamity that comes with kneeling in front of him. I miss the feeling of belonging. If only for a moment, I belonged somewhere when I was in his presence. I miss the way his words serenade me into ecstasy during play. I miss those moments he takes my breath away with his touch. I miss the way he stares at me. In those moments he stares at me without speaking I feel exhilarated. I miss who I am when I am with him.
The more I miss him the more I start to feel uneasy with the amount of space growing between me and my fortress of walls. I feel the need to retreat. The need to reclaim control of the parts of myself I have given away. I feel torn between the world of safety I know and the world he laid in front of me. For now I will try to lay still. Stop thinking about safety and stop thinking about him. If I can't be with him and I can't hide behind my walls, all I can do is concentrate on being still for now.


I came across a post on Fetlife....it hit the very core of my being...it was all the things I had in my head and didn't know...didn't know how to explain to myself let alone put into words to be able to explain for Master, I commented that I would be following the discussion with interest as this was the same place I had found myself in.
The OP (original poster) was Sarah.....above are her words, written by her, about her, about her situation......in my head you can pretty much switch me for her.....I am there, where she is, and thanks to Sarah...now I don't have to try and explain it.
 I sent Master the link...we chatted today.
I still have to get my head in order...I think now, thanks to Sarah, it might be easier.
I still have the rest of the week to get through.
THANK YOU SARAH 
AND PLEASE THANK YOUR MASTER FOR ME AS WELL

8 comments:

  1. I'll admit, I didn't see that coming! It wasn't until the end of your post that you explained the words above were someone else's that I got it.

    I love that feeling, when someone else is able to put into writing a feeling or intuition that I've had but have been unable to express.

    I hope Sarah's words help you to sort through your feelings and get you moving in the right direction.

    sg

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  2. grrrr I posted a comment where is it? lol
    xoxoxox
    Sarah

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  3. @ sub_girl Sarahs words helped more than I can say, and I got my first decent nights sleep with NO headache in nearly a week...so hopefully all back on track now :) :)

    @missdoubleentendre You have me curious now as to what the first comment said :p
    THANK YOU again xoxoo

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  4. ok let me try this post again...

    Sometimes peace comes with knowing we are not alone in our thoughts and our feelings. I often have rushing thoughts that I process much faster than I should and this can lead to missing the forest for the trees, so to speak. Master says my mind is like a lazy Susan whipping around at a thousand miles per hour (not sure how fast that is in KM for your side of the world, but that's fast here.) I like to think of my brain more like a super computer, running a high speed processor, but His analogy is probably closer to the truth.

    Sometimes our minds get stuck on a thought or a feeling that is so strong it creates an under toe that threatens to drown us. The more complex the thought or the deeper the feeling, the more you can smoother yourself.

    No one said being a sub was easy. As the saying goes, the higher the risk, the higher reward. I believe it takes a very strong person to be a sub. To be completely comfortable enough in our own skin that we are willing to relinquish that control is powerful thing.

    Don't fight your thoughts and mental bondage little one. Simply embrace them. Accept you are having these feelings and then you will be able to release them. As with true bondage, you should relax into it.

    I am glad you are feeling better and got some much needed rest. You have warmed my heart with your gratitude. I am here if you ever need to talk.
    xoxoxo
    Sarah

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  5. @ Sarah....I have read your posts and cannot leave this page tonight without saying I love your manner....the way you articulate yourself, and put into words what some (myself included) would struggle to convey. Although you have been directing your comments elsewhere; you have made me think about things in my own life (especially with your post in previous comment). So be encouraged...you touch vanilla beans too :P Im glad that yours and hisgirls paths have crossed :) xox

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  6. @ Monique I am truly humbled by your response. I never thought my words were more than just random thoughts on paper until Sassy posted this. What an awesome feeling this whole experience has brought me. I have even decided to start blogging again thanks to Sassy and I am eternally grateful to her for doing all this. I never imagined the dark place I was in would have brought me to all this new enlightenment. I was hoping to read your blog, but I have no access. Hope you are doing well!
    xoxoxo
    Sarah

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  7. @ Sarah Im happy to hear you are going to do your blog again. Im sure you doing this will continue to help others find clarity. You definitely have a gift of clearly expressing feelings....in turn helping others to put 'words' to their own too. Thank you!!! xoxox I dont have a blog...it would just be a complete mess :P But Id love to be able to follow yours if that would be ok with you?

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  8. @monique I am sorry to hear you do not have a blog :( I would love it if you followed my blog and look forward to your insight and comments.
    xoxoxo
    email me anytime you want to chit chat
    missdoubleentendre@yahoo.com

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