Monday, February 28, 2011


tonight I asked for a topic to blog about....

well to be more specific..I asked if there was anything Master wanted to see on the blog....

as much as its my journey...its OURS as well...all the good and the bad

my topic is..... I am enjoying my Master because......

some days I could write a list a mile long

some days I have trouble thinking of 2 reasons

and I know that sounds bad...but its true

some days I get more frustrated about out circumstances than others

some days I enjoy it more than others

maybe that because I am still a newb

so here goes....and please bear in soon as I post this..I will go to bed and think of more I forgot to add.....

1. I enjoy his honesty.....he knows I HATE liars....any lies will be the ultimate deal breaker between us

2. I LOVE his cock...could worship that ALL day

3. I like that He gets a side of me no one else does..I can be a ball breaking bitch...but never with Him

4. I like that He can turn me on from over 100km away...with about 5 simple words

5. I LOVE knowing that I can trust Him with my physical wellbeing....that sort of trust has NEVER been an issue

6. I like the way He spanks me.....leaves a good hand print He does ;)

7. I like that He is patient with me...

8. I like giving Him my TOTAL submission....its not something I have given away lightly

9. I like that He challenges me.....there is always a never ending curiosity

10. I enjoy Him...because He is Him...He is Mr Decadent...every chocoholics dream

and since 10 is a nice round number...I think I will stop there...for tonight

hmmmm...wonder if I will get lucky enough to get Him to reply to this one ;)

and Welcome to my latest follower..I hope you enjoy my journey...please feel free to chime in any time :)

Sunday, February 27, 2011


the dickwad is an 2 ways about it

the first day this weekend I felt ok and he fucks it up


what I wouldnt give to have Master here to help me get rid of this anger and keep me occupied

Saturday, February 26, 2011

home alone II..........

i shouldnt be left home alone....

i am tempted to do something stupid....

i am angry

i am horny

i am alone

there is no cure

Thursday, February 24, 2011


the best and the worst thing I have found about long distance D/s is the communcation.

I have never had as much communication with someone as I do with Master....both in the quantity and the honesty....not even while married.

perhaps this is because the dickwad used to judge me....Master doesnt

along with the good bits, come the bad bits

sometimes we get chatting and one of us has to go for some, kids, RL issues...all sorts.......that bit sucks

why is it that we never get interrupted unless its an important conversation??

I am sure we get them without interruptions sometimes, but yesterday we didnt.

we played this week, and due to RL...we havent managed a decent conversation since....

Maybe I am just whinging because I know I am within about 20 minutes (distance wise) today, and I cant do anything about it.

It would not be a hardship to be on my knees in front of Master right about now ;)

Tuesday, February 22, 2011

pushing limits........

my clothes are shredded

the bits that didn't get torn off, got cut off

knife play is a hard limit for me


having him cut my clothes off didn't scare me like I thought it would

being wrapped in cling film turned me on

lots about today turned me on...some more than others

and my body behaved while Master was here...I think

fingers crossed the marks stay longer this time

I'm glad he didn't find the knife I had sharpened last night to cook dinner


I HATE my body sometimes.




Monday, February 21, 2011

nervous again.......

Master will be here this week.

He picked out an outfit for me to have on when he arrives

I had to find clothes that I wouldnt want to see they can be thrown out

I also have to leave the roll of cling wrap on the table

and I think Master thinks this wont make me so nervous that I will throw up

I think I am not going to get much sleep til after

my skirt is about the same length as the girl in the pic

I wonder if I will look like that if he bends me over the table??

I am hoping the bite marks *if I get any* last longer this time

curiosity satisfied......

I have tried a few times over the last 24 hours to find a pic that shows a woman with a satisfied look on her face.

and I dont mean sexually satisfied, I mean like her curiosity has been satisfied.

since meeting  MY Master, I have had a lot of curiosity about vanilla sex....

could I go back to just vanilla on a full time basis?

would I like vanilla sex on a casual basis??

what would I do if I thought I was ready for permanent relationship??

AM I ready for a permanent relationship??

could I be less than 100% honest with someone about Master??

I learnt the answers to all the questions I had over the weekend.

I CANT hide  MY Master....wouldn't even if I could

I CANT go back to vanilla sex...permanently OR casually

I am NOT ready for a relationship...

He HAS changed me.

I am ADDICTED TO HIM....and only Him

I also learnt I have to get a movie out once a week to watch...its been FAR too long since I sat and enjoyed watching a movie with no kids interrupting.

Sunday, February 20, 2011

catching up.......

what do you do when your old friend has grown up to be not as vanilla as you think??

he hasnt changed....he still has the looks, the body and the sex appeal he has always wonder I had a crush in high school.

Saturday, February 19, 2011

old friends....

I have my old high school crush coming to stay for the weekend.

he isnt here to fuck me......he just needed a bed for the weekend.

the fact that he will be here led to a conversation about me possibly having vanilla sex.

I dont want vanilla sex.

but I might.....when he gets here.....

in the mean time...I cleaned my sons bedroom and changed the sheets in there.

I am not changing the sheets on my bed...that can wait til Monday before Master comes to visit.

Friday, February 18, 2011

not myself tonight........

in one of my other posts...i wrote some lyrics down from a song I was really into at the time.

this is another of these posts....tonight the mood is different though

makes me wish I was going out tonight....

but that would cause trouble

You know tonight
I'm feeling a little out of control
Is this me
You wanna get crazy
Cause I don't give a...

I'm out of character
I'm in rare form
If you really knew me
You'd know it's not the norm

Cause I'm doing things that I normally won't do
The old me's gone I feel brand new
And if you don't like it fuck you

The music's on and I'm dancing
I'm normally in the corner just standing
I'm feeling unusual
I don't care cause this is my night

I'm not myself tonight
Tonight I'm not the same girl (same girl)

I'm not myself tonight
Tonight I'm not the same girl (same girl)

I'm dancing a lot
I'm taking shots
And I'm feeling fine

I'm kissing all the boys and girls
Someone call the doctor cause I lost my mind

Cause I'm doing things that I normally won't do
The old me's gone I feel brand new
And if you don't like it fuck you

The music's on and I'm dancing
I'm normally in the corner just standing
I'm feeling unusual
I don't care cause this is my night

I'm not myself tonight
Tonight I'm not the same girl (same girl)

I'm not myself tonight
Tonight I'm not the same girl (same girl)

In the morning
When I wake up
I'll go back to the girl I used to be
But baby
Not tonight

I'm not myself tonight
Tonight I'm not the same girl (same girl)

I'm not myself tonight
Tonight I'm not the same girl (same girl)

That feels good
I needed that

Get crazy
Let's go

That's right

Give it to me now
Don't stop

here it is if you wanna listen

Thursday, February 17, 2011

something is missing......

all week I have felt like something has been missing.

it wasnt til I was chatting to my wonderful gorgeous friend sub_girl at lunch today that I realised what it is.

I havent had a task since Friday night.

I think this is the longest it has been without a task

as much as I have sometimes not enjoyed doing them...after I completed them..I always felt better.

I miss them

Wednesday, February 16, 2011

lucky her........

when Master and I met for the first time, we had coffee in a little cafe, well coffee for me at least, after we had chatted for a while....we went for a walk......

Along a little...then down a side street....

YES, I know...not the smartest move ever, but I had NO HESITATIONS EVER where my physical safety was concerned, not with Him...not from the first second he got out of His car.

along we walked....talked....walked and talked some more.

Turning the corner...we walked along a back street, train line on one side, buildings...mostly backs of buildings on the cars, no road, just a walkway.

Of all the things I remember of that day...which admittedly are not many...kinda wish I had recorded it or something......I remember walking along that walkway with Him....wondering if he would touch me or kiss me, half of me shit scared that he would...the other half WANTING Him to do something.

I was so nervous about meeting Him, I even forgot to put sugar in my coffee....

But I wasnt so nervous when we walked along that path, that I didnt think about Him pushing me back against that building, His hand at my throat...kissing me.

I found this pic...and thought...Lucky Her.

desperate and dirty old men......

I went to a sex shop today

Bought a couple of things for the start of my own toy box

Some guy (old and not very attractive) standing behind me while I was paying for my things made me an offer

"would you like me to come help you test those?"

uuuhhhhhhh NO Dickwad, I wouldnt

I politely replied, rather than say exactly what I thought

" I am pretty sure Master has that covered...but thanks"

The poor guy behind the counter nearly choked trying not to laugh

"He shouldnt let you out without your collar on then" was the reply I got

At this point, I thought I could either get really sarcastic (VERY tempted)
Be a lady and just walk away...which I did...shaking my head all the way.

I wonder now if it was because I had laughed and joked with the guy behind the counter??

Since I pestered him with 100 questions and he was patient and not at all flirty, I didnt think laughing with him was a big deal.

Obviously it gave the wrong impression to the only other customer.....that will teach me!

Its been the week for it.... 3 messages on another site started the week off, and its getting worse...fingers crossed for a better rest of the week...

Position NOT Vacant

Do I have a DICKHEAD magnet in my forehead someone forgot to mention???

Tuesday, February 15, 2011


I have just realised yesterday was Valentines day.

I didnt know.

I guess when you dont have a partner....its not like it matters greatly.

Its just a day of commercial crap anyway.

I would much rather have a rose on any other day for no reason other than I was thought of.

I wonder if Master was disappointed I didnt wish Him a Happy Valentines Day??

Maybe I should have tied myself up with a red ribbon, taken a pic and sent that to Him....

I will have to surprise Him another day, for no other reason than I thought of Him...

a day where He is not expecting it

Soooooo, the point of the post is.....

Happy Valentines Day....
 a day late to all you people,
 hope it was a great one

Monday, February 14, 2011

I will get there........


Sunday, February 13, 2011

I have a friend.....who has a blog..........

I have a friend.

she has a blog.

I love to read it.......she is further along in her BDSM journey than I am.

often I find things in her blog and my first thoughts are that she has read my mind.......some of the things she says are EXACTLY what I am thinking and dont know how to say.

if you read her blog at all (link over there>>>>>>>>>>>) you will see I set her a challenge...I dont know why I did....I dont like writing tasks...why I would inflict them on someone else I do NOT know.

we are in 2 different places right now...she has a hubby ( I got rid of mine) I have a Master, she doesnt.

I have been where she is, marriage wise.

she has been where I am with the D/s dynamic

I can see things in her future she will have to deal with, as I am sure she sees the same in mine

I gave her the challenge in the hope she would line all 3 lists up side by side....sometimes seeing things written down in black and white can make you admit the truth quicker than going around and around in your head.

having said that...I didnt do it in the hope she would see it and make a decision that will irrevocably change her life.....just see there, written down,  and give some thought to what will need to way or the other.

she has needs, wants and desires, and I dont care what anyone says...NO ONE should have to live their life unhappy because these things arent being fulfilled....and YES, I am fully aware you cant always have what you want...but IMO it is EVERYONES right to be happy....or at least TRY and be is too short to live it unhappy.

anyone who lives in an unhappy marriage for "the sake of the kids" has fucking rocks for brains... I have been one of those kids....let me tell you, it sucks just as bad having unhappy parents together as it does to have divorced parents. At least when they are divorced, they can move on and be happy...

Yes its hard, No, its NOT easy, I understand ALL that...but sometimes its worth it.

and I CAN say this, I have been on both sides of this fence

 I WAS the am the single mother.

I love my kids with all my heart, Yes they drive me up the wall, thats their job, I love that they are curious, and busy, it means they are learning....would I love for them to do as they are told occasionally??...of course, but the fact that they question things, means they are strong, determined, and will be self sufficient ( I hope)

In her challenge, I hope sub_girl can see that she has every right to be happy, and have her wants and needs fulfilled, and maybe seeing who fills what need written in black and white will help....I can only hope it does.

Saturday, February 12, 2011

please tell me why...............

can someone tell me why I am in bed at 11.30 pm on a Saturday night alone, no kids in the house, NOT having done my tasks for the weekend ( I have done part of one)...and feeling SHIT??

why is there such an emotional roller coaster attached to this crap??

and why the fuck am I doing it??

I have said my mantra 100 fucking times today...hasnt worked

I have looked at my pierced nipples in the mirror...knowing I had them done for Him....that didnt work either

I have reread all of our conversations...sent and received emails...they didnt help either

He will come online Monday morning and I will have forgotten tonight...and the crap way I am feeling right now...its like a fucking drug....knowing He is there will fix it

I know He will hate this post...but this is not just for us...its for others who travel this journey also....and its a warning....sometimes it makes you feel FUCKED UP

and no Master....the punching bag didnt help

Friday, February 11, 2011


I LOVE music.....never am I home alone without music...never the TV, I hate the damn thing, its always just music.....

since I have been single, I can indulge in my music a LOT MORE....the kids go to their fathers for the weekend and the TV never gets turned on...always just the stereo.

I have a song for EVERY mood....and the music I have on will ALWAYS tell you what that is....
lately I have swapped and changed a fair bit, but I have come across a song that I am in love with....for the minute

 I thought I would share with you the favourite bit....Im sure you will know why its the current fav.

You make me feel like a candy apple

Red and horny 
You make me feel like I wanna be a dumb blonde
In a centerfold,
 the girl next door
And I would open the door and...
I'd be all wet
With my tits soaking through this tiny little t-shirt...
That I'm wearing
And you would open the door and tie...
Me up to the bed

Thursday, February 10, 2011


I cant have what I want or need...
so I bought one of these to kick the fuck out of

Wednesday, February 9, 2011


this is what I wished I looked like right now..
I need the anger beaten out of me....

if only

Tuesday, February 8, 2011

far far away..........

Master and I have a LDR.......we see each other when we can....not often

i am recently out of a 14 year relationship  and am not ready for another someone who doesnt communicate, doesnt understand me, who cant be a grown up, who cant see his asshole ways will eventually turn his kids against him, another someone who cant give me an orgasm, or hold me without me feeling like I am being groped. Spanked is one thing....but groping...ewwww, my skin crawls when he is in the same room.

who would anyone want any of those things anyway???

I dont....but I lived with the fucking things for the last 10 years

NO MORE....the dickwad has gone, but unfortunately I will have to deal with him for the rest of my life....NOT something I am looking forward to.....

WHY cant he just be a grown up and put his kids first for once???

I cant wait til he is someone elses problem

in the meantime.....

I have a wonderful Master.....

and I have hired someone to mow the lawns

asking for help from friends..............................

Master gave me another 2 tasks last was a photographic task, which I had no worries completing, just had to wait til the kids went to bed for that one, the other was something I had approached Him about...I had a question...led to a discussion....led to a task

I had read somewhere about a sub who had a mantra/ritual she did whenever she felt like she had the need to connect with her Master, but was unable to for some reason....I have since gone back and tried to find this ritual, but alas, no where to be found.

it appealed to me for the simple fact is, there are days I dont get a lot of contact or sometimes none at all, with Master...and its those days I felt the need to find something that would ground me, bring me back to centre, calm me down, so in one of my thoughts emails, which I sent to Master, I mentioned this, which led to me having to write a commitment mantra for Him.......

might I mention, I had naively thought this was something we might do together...but no

He did tell me He would edit it before I started using it....that gave me slim hope He might add His own bit to it.

in my infinite wisdom, I shared my task with my 2 best girlfriends, who might I add, are not part of the BDSM  lifestyle, but are both fully aware of my choices. The girls and I all chat daily online, as we dont live close enough to be able to chat over coffee.........they are very smart women who I respect a lot, and both seem to have a way with of course, I shared my task (homework) and they offered to help.

many, many, MANY laughs later, the girls had written their own mantras, while I snuck off and did one also.

someone...and I am not wholly sure who, suggested I submit all 3.....

(they were looking for gold stars and elephant stamps)

I completed mine...emailed it off to Master before bed, just in case I wasnt able to this morning for some reason. What followed was me sharing the girls versions with Him also............

for the purpose of their privacy, I will call them A & B

soo.....A's version went something like..........

May my master be blissful to me
my master is blissful to me.
my master brings me bliss.
Salutation to my master.
Salutation to you, my master.
You are my bliss. You alone are blissful to me.
I shall call you righteousness. I shall call you truth.
May you protect me.
my master protects me.
my master protects me.

A was aiming for the Elephant Stamp reward....Master gave her a "gold star"

B's version went........

Id just go with "My Master protects me" x 30, with a few 'Om's' at the end

Master informed me after I shared it with Him, that she should have tried harder, and was to inflict 10 self spanks as punishment...LMFAO!!!!!

Mine went.......

For my Master I show my strength through my submission.
For my Master I offer my body to take as His
For my Master I can be another, better me
For my Master I can be calm and moderate
For my Master I can share my fears and weakness' and not feel weak

I am a stronger woman because of Him
I am a better person for knowing Him
I am more confident in all I do because of Him
I am all I can possibly be when I think of Him
I am proud to be His girl

His reply.....

Hello my girl,

Refer to line 3 of your second paragraph.

You should be confident in your writings.  Not one task you have completed for me that involved a writing task has in any way disappointed me.  You are very creative, you have a wonderful way with words.

You need to be confident that when I set you a writing task that you will do it wonderfully as you have with this task.

I cannot add anything to this mantra at the present time.  It is perfect.

Your Master

my next task to myself is to type it up, print it out and possibly frame it, sit it in the bedroom, so I can use it when I feel the need.....get me back to where I should be.

although the goal was for me to be able to feel as though I had contact...even when I didnt, I had HOURS of laughs with Master and the girls over this task, and I have to say...yesterdays tasks have been my favourites so far.

I would love to hear from anyone else if they have a mantra they say when they feel the need....even if its not BDSM related....this task has made me very curious.....I think more reading is required ;)