We have things that suit us, agreements we have made, that suit us, that others would find distasteful, bizarre or even wrong, but 99% of the time, it works for us.
Each relationship in life is individual in its own way, no matter who it is between, ours is no different, just slightly more unusual than most.
Prime Example..... Others want a Master they can love, be devoted to, and would only stand for a LDR if they knew there was an end in sight, usually resulting in the relationship becoming 24/7.
Master and I don't have that, and nor do we want that.
It was made clear to me from the very VERY beginning, that while there is and will be much happiness, there will be no whisking away by Prince Charming to live a Happily Ever After life.
We are LDR, and will always be that way while I am his submissive.
So to break it down to basics, Master has His life, and I have mine, its just that my BDSM life belongs to Him. He gets to make the rules, give the orders and do the teaching.
In my ordinary life, I am the boss, I can do what I like, when I like, and how I like.
He just seems to have this ability that I lack to be able to place me in a box in His life, where He can shut the lid when He needs to and do other things.
I can't do that, I have to be HIS submissive ALL the time, even when I am controlling my own life, I am still His, and He is never far from my thoughts.
Its that bit I struggle with sometimes. There are times I would love to put Him figuratively into a box and shut the lid. And I don't mean remove Him from my mind or my life, but sometimes it would be nice to be able to turn it off when its not necessary at that point in time.
Over the past couple of months I have contemplated returning His collar to Him, both times I imagined playing with Him and then handing Him the collar for Him to take when He left.
I didn't do it for 2 reasons...
The first because I wondered if this was a "phase" I was going through, life for both of us had been not normal, and that effected our relationship and the time we have together in a bad way. And had I handed it back in the heat of the moment so to speak, that it may have been something that time or a simple fix could be found for.
And the second, because I truly believe, and I have maintained all along, that He is MY Master, and I have no interest in another. Not now, not in the future, not at any time. And by handing back the collar, I may hand back the symbol of His ownership of me, but it wouldn't break the bond we have.
While some day in the distant future, He may not own me, I cannot ever see me being in a place where I would wish to have no contact with Him, and I knew that would be a very real possibility, should I return that collar. I was NOT ready for that to happen.
Yesterday I admitted to Him that I had been feeling like that. I had wanted to tell Him for weeks, but never knew the words, never could find myself in place where I could explain calmly, rationally and coherently.
Yesterday I found out I am headed into a week with no contact, family comes first, then work, then us after that. His work is taking Him to a place where I am left behind for a week, and I knew deep inside I would sit and overthink things while he was gone, resulting in Him possibly coming home to shock at me being a twat.
You don't realise how much things weigh on your thoughts until you can share them, after I had explained, probably ineffectively how I felt, we managed to clear the air, He learnt things, and I did also.
We both learnt that while neither of us "love" the other, that we have a bond that, for me at least, cannot be broken as simply as I thought it may have.
Amongst the discussion, Master offered me some "time off", which I thank Him for, but declined. There is really no point to agreeing to have some time apart, it wont make one shred of difference, and the up coming week of no contact will do that quite effectively for me anyway. On top of which, I don't want this to be some relationship where its on, then off, then on, then back off again. Fuck that juvenile shit. As much as I don't love Master, I do often think of this relationship as some sort of marriage, you cant just quit when it gets hard. Life is hard sometimes, doesn't mean you just cave in and give up, it just means we are about to be tested, and if we can get through it, that means we will be stronger at the other end.
While we may have a not so conventional relationship by any stretch of the imagination, it is still one that has a lot of value in my life, and not one I am willing to just give away when I hit a bump in the road. Like someone wonderful said to me, "It is just like the honeymoon bit is over, and there has been a transition to something different"
I just have to get my head around the honeymoon bit that it over...I don't want this to become some boring vanilla relationship, where we do little but discuss work, kids and hobbies.
I still want my boundaries to be pushed, it was that pushing that found the inner slut the first time, I knew she is lurking, just waiting to be yet again, pushed from her hiding spot, back out, on to her knees, in front of Him, where she belongs.
Everybody says change is good for you, I think it sucks lol. But you adapt and move forward growing stronger in a different direction, maybe a new and wonderful one. It's all in the way you look at it.
ReplyDeleteGood luck and hugs :)