the explanation...

ok, I think I am finally ready to sit and write about what happened, hopefully I can manage to do it without too many tears.

Going on cam for Him was something I struggled with... A LOT, now that I can look back, it was because I couldn't see Him, I couldn't judge a reaction to anything I did, I had to rely on what appeared typed on the screen. I have to add here, not once did He ever fail to appreciate me doing on cam what He asked of me, I would always get comments during and also after, but it took a lot to get used to being without the visual of actually being able to see Him.

I can remember telling Him early on, that being blindfolded didn't ever worry me because I felt more blind on here, never being able to see, hear or smell Him, I had to learn to rely on what He said to gauge any reaction.

Anyway, late last week, after our missed play date, I had the opportunity to do something that up until then, I had never felt comfortable in doing, and that was offering to be on cam, in the past I had always waited for Him to ask. I had found myself home alone with no children and all the time in the world.
I got all sneaky, knowing what time roughly He would be online, I ran a bubble bath and timed me getting in, with the estimated time He had given me.

Sure enough, not long after I had settled in the bath with a book and a drink bottle, the laptop on a kitchen chair beside the bath, He appeared online.

A little general chit chat later, and I got all flirty, and told Him I was sitting in the bubble bath. As you can probably guess, next thing I was on cam.

A few instructions later and I was on the verge of showing Him something no other man had seen in 10 years. (He knows what this is, and NO, its not a part of my body, He has well and truly seen every part of that before) then something got said that made me feel like He had just lied to me for the first time.

Lies are the one deal breaker.....I am a big girl, I would rather have a horrible truth over a lie any day, and He knows this.

Wasn't long before we were saying goodbye and I was left feeling partly like I wanted to throw up, and partly like I wanted to punch something.

He was headed away for a few days, and I was left feeling like shit.

At some point over those few days without Him, I sat and made a list of all the things that I had been "sucking up" for lack of a better term, things I didn't like and worried now that I couldn't live with any longer.

It wasn't a long list, and I did alter it over and over a few times, til I felt I had it right, I tried to get it to sound impersonal, without emotion, typed words never seem to convey the right emotion anyway.

The first day He came back online, I shared with Him my feelings and the list I had made.

Looking back, I did the wrong thing, and went the wrong way about it, but I didnt know how or what to do, I felt like it was a monster inside me I just had to get out as soon as possible.

It must have seemed like I had walked into his office and banged Him over the head with a brick.

I will admit I did get angry while we were talking, but every angry thought I had was accompanied by 100's of tears streaming down my face.

The things on the list were important to me, but all I wanted was for Him to say that He could see that it was something we needed to talk about and I had made sure I had said that I wanted to COMPROMISE..nothing on that list was a demand, it was all things that had been festering inside me and nothing I had tried to do on my own seemed to work to get rid of them.

I think He was angry, I know I was too, needless to say we didn't accomplish too much.

At some point over the next 2 days we managed to compromise on every single thing on that list except one.

Unfortunately for the both of us, it was the one thing neither of us managed to discuss without emotions running high. The sticking point was both of us had made an assumption about this point. I assumed it was something I would get in the future, and He assumed I knew it would be something I would never get.

So I guess looking at it from the outside, it was His Hard Limit, but not one of which I was aware.

After rounds and rounds of the same issue over and over again, I was begging for Him to say it. I naively assumed that if He ended it, that I could get on with life, that the hurt would go away.

It didn't.

It got worse...because He did say it...after I pushed Him into it.

Hi there,

Well after being out and about today I have returned to the office and felt communication was needed and after discovering this morning that you out of anger changed your passwords before I had any idea of your issues has floored me and something I never expected


I can see now that even though we desire each other and staying together would be what we both want in a perfect world this isn't a perfect world nor a perfect situation.

It is with deep regret, sadness and a huge amount of uncertainty, i offer you your release from my collar and as such you are no longer my cherished submissive but an equal.

You may or may not realise that I have held you in such high esteem and have valued your loyalty, your honesty, your integrity, your intellect, your nature and just the fact that you are you.  Never in my wildest dreams did I expect our union to conclude both so soon and in this way. 


Please don't look negatively at this release but look back at the experiences that we both shared and the highs that we experienced together.  You have enriched my life in many ways and I would like to say thank you and I do hope that you can find the happiness that I was not able to provide.

I am unsure as to the future as I think I need to take in what has happened today with the password issue and the release request.  I know that you will be upset and sad and I trust that in a short time this will pass as you look back on the memories rather than looking forward to the experience.

I do want to see you happy and I know in my heart that you will be, it's your turn :-).

Be safe and be free my cherished XXXXX (insert my real name)


I am crying again reading that all over again....it didn't stop the hurt, it made it worse, and in the instant I read that, I wished I could take the whole week back and begin it again.


The password issue that He mentions is, in my anger, I changed all my passwords that He had previously had. He saw this as a deal breaker and I think that I had done it, especially in anger, hurt Him, which was something I never wanted to do.




 End result..... I am without His collar and hating it.


The only positive....after 24 hours, we chatted. I don't know what it was I did or said, and I may never know (although this will bug the shit out of me) something changed. We reached a compromise. 


No, thats not right. I came home to an email titled compromise, it contained something that literally BLEW MY MIND, I dont even know if I will be able to explain to Him what I felt when I saw that. It was above and beyond what I had expected in my wildest dreams. I think I have read that email 100 times since I first saw it, its like I still cant believe what it contains.... seriously, to me, the contents of that email are equivalent to a ... oh god, I dont even know what!


I never hid from Him that I didn't want to do this without Him, that I wanted Him, that it hurt to be without Him, I felt like I would have no one I could turn to, to ask all those questions I bugged Him with daily. 


I made the statement that IF, and I do mean IF, I ever found another Dom, that I would request to him that I would be allowed to call said unknown Dom, something other than Master.... I don't think I would have it in me to call someone else HIS NAME...it wouldn't be right.


What happens next I do not know. 


The only things I am sure of are...


a. I don't want Him to be out of my life 
b. What happens next is not my choice
c. I will have to live with what I did, whether it be good or bad.
d. If this is the end of our journey together, it will also be the end of this blog.