the playground....

I have been on the Merry Go Round, I have played Snakes and Ladders, in a post on Fetlife I started the edges of a never ending jigsaw puzzle, this time I am on the See-Saw.

Now besides the fact that the above image has created all sorts of kinky ideas in my head....my thinking is this.....

When I first began my journey with Master...I told Him I wanted the pleasure more than I wanted the pain.

I have since seen other Doms say they are pleasure giving Doms rather than Sadists.

I am not saying Master is or isn't a Sadist, nor am I saying I am Masochistic, what I am saying is in the beginning...I was in it ALL for the pleasure.

In my bizarre and (on occasion) childlike  mind, I was thinking orgasms....preferably multiple orgasms.

This is the one thing that, up until last time Master and I played, I hadn't had from a man or anyone else other than myself for over 10 years.

Now I see I sit on a see saw.

At one end....the Pleasure, where, up until now, I was firmly planted, not even realising I was even ON a see saw. And at the other Pain.

I have crept up a little from the pleasure end of the see-saw, still not quite in the middle, but definitely leaning towards the middle rather than seated firmly on one end.

Here is where it might get hard to follow...but bear with me.

The first time Master and I played...the VERY FIRST time He spanked me with His bare hand, it took ALL my willpower not to turn around and smack Him back. Spankings were not something that I had ever experienced as a grown up...that first one stung like a bitch!
The first time we played, He also bit me, but I LOVED it, and I know He knew I did at the time.

The second time we played, He spanked me again, this time I enjoyed it...didnt even occur to me to want to whack Him back (not that I would be game enough to anyway)
He also bit me again in that play...it HURT....and I dont mean the pleasurable kind. I wondered if the first bite was a one off thing...which made me want to cry, because I REALLY enjoyed it the first time.

The THIRD time we played...I got up to wash off the wax we had played with, and as I walked into the bathroom, Master told me to look at my back in the mirror.

OH MY FUCKING GOD

I was covered in bite marks and scratches, and I realised..... I had known His mouth was on my back, but to me....it felt more like kisses. Figure that fucker out huh?
I layed on the bed after He had gone, and tried to remember whether He has spanked me like He normally did. I mean, I KNOW He did, but was there less this time?? Or was He being not so harsh on me??

Watching that porn Master gave me made me realise something. I was not sitting on the Pleasure end of the see-saw anymore...I have moved up a little towards the pain end. But the pain end is not a HURT end....its still pleasure, but its a different pleasure than anything I have ever known before.

It is not my place to be asking Him if He had been gentle with me, nor is it my place to be telling Him what I want...BUT it IS my place to communicate with Him that when HE feels the time is right, I am ready for Him to go at me a little harder.

HE will know when.

HE will know how hard.

HE will know I am not going to run away if it hurts...I have a safe word, I need to be able to still function after Master leaves, so I wont be scared to say it IF I feel like it is getting too much.

Maybe what I am chasing is sub-space??....maybe I got to sub-space last time?? I dont know. All I know is, I am ready for a little more pain.

Maybe.

Possibly.

Who knows...maybe I will end up a pain slut after all.