Like most of us, I have days where I struggle emotionally.
Today is one, yesterday was also.
And I don't mean I have depression, or that I am a slobbering mess perched on the sofa with copious amounts of chocolate and chick flicks... just that I have days where I feel 'off'.
The best word I can think of to describe it is.. disconnected.
I feel distanced emotionally from Sir.
Some days it is when I am craving control of some sort, possibly the days where I miss the tasks that I had a love/hate relationship with, other days I just feel alone. It annoys me that some days there seems to be no reason for it.
The stupid thing is I can feel whats happening to me, and I can feel the invisible walls of protection rising inside of me. I already know- that is when I seem to hold back emotionally, to not share things as easily, if at all.
When I feel alone, I feel the need to protect myself.
I 'back off' so if the hurt comes, I am a little prepared.
There is no hurt coming my way that I know of, so these feeling are in no way, shape or form justified, they are simply something that I have obviously done over the years to protect myself emotionally. And I gather it is not something I can turn off at will.
I try my hardest not to be a needy sub, to not demand attention. If I need it, I can usually find the words to ask for it, without being whingy and whining. But there are some days where I seem to need something more than others.
I have no idea what the something is....but I am working on it.
In the meantime, I am doing my best to keep those walls of protection from rising too far.
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