Trust.....

Trust...as a dictionary reads...

1. reliance on the integrity, strength, ability, surety etc. of a person or thing ; confidence.
2. confident expectation of something; hope
3. confidence in the certainty of  future payment for property or goods received; credit
4. a person on whom, or thing on one relies
5. the condition of one to whom something has been entrusted.


Trust...to me...

Knowing I feel safe in the fact that things I share with you, will not be used to hurt me.
Knowing the things I do for you will be appreciated.
Knowing that my well being is safe with you, whether it be mind, body or soul.
Knowing that if I need you, that you will be there for me.

In one of the many messages I have had over posting a personal ad, one of them commented that he would like to see me blog about trust, I took that to mean he wanted to know what it meant to me...after all, I have only my opinion, I don't try and speak for others.

I posted that I don't trust easily...those are the reasons why.
If I cannot tick all those boxes with you...I don't trust you..as simple as that.
And it is not that you have done something to deserve a LACK of trust, just that you may not have earnt it.

And yes, occasionally I meet someone who I inherently trust, where I go by my gut instinct, and just hope that  I have placed my trust in the right person.

Sometimes you have to trust in fate, that karma is not going to bend you over and fuck you up the arse, unless you like that, and then it would be hoping karma doesn't make you suck on his toes.

my own fault..

I had a jealous moment tonight.

I didn't like it AT ALL.

Just show me....

"I like being a woman, I like being courted, I like being pursued, I like being wanted & adored - in return I will do anything for that D that has shown I am worth it"

The above statement came from one of my favourite bloggers, The submissivebf found here. 

I often think to myself, and blog that it is almost as if someone reached into my brain and took out the jumbled thoughts and wrote them as I cannot.

While I won't say this is exactly as I was thinking....I read it over and over and it is a realisation of sorts for me.

I am worth it.

I am worth adoration, and desire.

I am worth care and respect.

I like being a woman.

I like that WHOLE statement for the simplicity of it.

Show me, PROVE to me that I am worth it...and everything I have to give you is yours to do with what you please.

Coffee and licking my arse....

Today was a not so pleasant day.

In fact...I would probably offer up a thousand dollars to anyone who can turn back the clock to about 9am.

I was attending a few meetings today with another person.

He and I were going to try and meet for a coffee in between my meetings and His.

It would have been the first time we had met for coffee as 2 people, rather than Master and kitty since the first time we met in person.

We messaged via email, Him in the office and me on my phone, arranging where to meet.
I gave Him the address, and He told me an approximate time that He would be there to collect me.

Time went on....I checked my phone about every 15 seconds, waiting, eventually walking around with it in my hand, waiting for Him to ring and tell me He was out the front waiting.
The person I was with knew that I was being collected, and was gently teasing me that I was like a kid with a crush...waiting on a love letter, passed from a friend to a friend.
Eventually I said I would go wait for Him out the front... Nope..not there.
I stood in the cold waiting.
The person I was with finished up the meeting without me.
She came out after the meeting, surprised to see me still standing there.
We waited in the car together for about 15 minutes.
Me getting impatient as I knew He should have been there by now.
I sent another email...just trying to check to see if He had been held up in the office.
No reply.
I told the other person to just leave me there, He was on His way, worst I would be was a little cold when He got there...WELL worth it as far as I was concerned.
So she headed off to the next meeting... telling me to take my time, and just get there whenever, that she could handle the next one on her own.
I stood there...in the cold AND the rain.
My phone beeped... He was back in the office.
I actually said out loud "What the fuck!?"
Long story short, He had left His phone in the office, and had sat out the front waiting for me. Eventually thinking I wasn't there, He had headed back to the office.
I didn't know that at the time.
All I knew was I was standing in the cold and the rain, waiting for someone who wasn't there,wasn't coming and knowing that my ride was now about 3 suburbs over and in a meeting.
I was BEYOND PISSED.
I was switching between absolute anger and total crushing disappointment, over and over.
He sent me a message... in my anger, all I can remember was the suggestion that I get a cab and the words shit, shit shit at the bottom.
I messaged back 2 words.

"forget it"

In the same instant I sent that...He messaged, volunteering to put back His meeting, to come and collect me, and take me to where I needed to be.
Before I could reply..I got another message telling me that I had made Him angry and sad that I would just say "forget it" and that He hoped I would have a nice afternoon as He now knew He wouldn't.

So there I stood, outside McDonalds, bawling my eyes out. 3 guys asked me if I was ok...did I need help?
No..I was fine, just angry and upset all at the same time.

 For the first time ever.. Today He saw my temper. I guess it didn't impress Him much, especially to be on the receiving end of it.

What I didn't know was He had forgotten His phone.
What He didn't know was I was inside waiting for a call.

Its both our faults.
It was one big fuck up.
The worst part?
I know I won't sleep tonight as we didn't get it sorted out. I hate that..with a passion.


Update on the possible Dom search, I have now had quite a few more messages..some funny, some sad, some bizarre and one who intrigues me.. OH and one who offered to lick my arse.
Now that's an offer I have never had before.

too curious.....

In all my *cough* wisdom, I have decided to test the level to which I am submissive.

Confused yet??? Yup, good, me too.

I have this funny feeling I am not truly submissive at all, that I am only submissive to ONE.

And since He no longer owns me, I have decided to test things, see if I can't find someone who makes me feel submissive who can give me the things He couldn't.

I am not doing this to hurt Him, and I am actually not enjoying this much at all, but I have to know for myself.

The reason I am blogging about it?? I am hoping, within reason, that He will be part of my journey.

He still has access to my Fet account, and if.... IF I make another account on another site where I may post a personal ad, I will give Him those details also...should He want them.

I trust Him, I trust His opinion. He knows me well, He will know who can handle me, and who can't.

I have redone my Fet profile, and posted a personal ad.

That was 5 hours ago...in that 5 hours, I received 4  direct messages.
Two were young enough to be my son.
One was a sub who thought I was cute and wants to maybe have coffee.
And the other was a Cross Dressing, Transexual, Bisexual who is already in a relationship.

I also had 2 comments on the post, one says the post looks interesting and the other wants to ignore me already.

Great...so if either of them think I am messaging them...not gonna happen.
I am dearly trying to hold my tongue and not go in there and post something sarcastic.

I am also wondering about now why the fuck I even posted the ad to begin with.

Am I really so curious that I cannot live without this answer?

I have politely declined all the messages I received, I will leave it all there for a week or so, at this point, I am not expecting Prince Charming to message me with some happy ever after tale involving spankings, whips and chains, but who knows.

My problem??? I am too damn curious for my own good!!

The Ugly Truth about Bananas

I once had a pair of friends, who loved each other in their own ways, living 1000's miles apart, neither having easy, uncomplicated lives.
Both had issues, both wanted to protect each other from hurt.
So, by wanting to protect each other, they both kept the honest truth to themselves, which in turn, meant that they were making decisions for the other.
By sparing the person you love from the "Ugly Truth", you are not telling them everything, and you are taking away the right they have to make their own decisions.

On one hand, this is caring at its best. No one likes to hurt the person they love.
On the other hand, you are being less than truthful and you then miss out on the possibility that they too have an "Ugly Truth" they have been sparing you from.

I have an "Ugly Truth"

I kept it from someone I love.

I ended an important relationship in my life, and I didn't tell the honest truth.

The honest truth would hurt them, make them feel as if it were all their fault, and that's not the case.
Nothing is ever one person's fault when it comes to relationship's. Two people are involved. Two people start it. Everyone has faults.

My fault, I have this thing inside me that wants to protect the people I love from hurt.
Most people have it in some form. I have this insanely huge need to always protect the one's I love.
My kids, my family, my friends...it doesn't differentiate between who it is. I am the original mother bear who protects things viciously.

The protection comes in all forms, it comes in telling people off who hurt the ones I love, it comes in the form of keeping secrets to protect people, it comes to physical violence when the need calls for it. I don't hesitate to step into a fight to protect the ones I love.

My Ugly truth is I couldn't be in a relationship with someone I loved and not feel like I was an important part of their life.

A lot of the time I felt like I had no place in his life.
That I was a convenience rather than a priority.
The things I wanted were never things he couldn't give me, just things he chose not to give me.
Knowing he CHOSE to not give me the things I needed hurt the most.
I made the CHOICE to give him everything I could, even the things he didn't ask for.
I also made the choice to end things and not tell him stuff as to not hurt him.
I was wrong.
I don't have the right to end a relationship without telling the ugly truth.

Talking to a friend after it was all said and done...She gave me the honest and ugly truth.
That I hadn't been fair, that I had taken the right away from him to choose.
I should have given him the ugly truth and let him make his own decisions based on the whole truth.

I should have told him that I needed to hear his voice more.
I should have told him I loved him.
I should have told him that this would be easier knowing he loved me, that it would make it worth it.
I should have told him that I couldn't keep it this way any more.
I should have told him I would have taken his secrets to the grave.
I should have said a lot of things.
I didn't, because I didn't want to hurt him.

Ha made me promise not to fall in love.
I didn't.
What I did do, was believe in him, trust him, share things with him, let him through these walls into that place I have reserved for those I trust.
I let him into my heart.
I do love him.
Its impossible for me to have shared the things with him that I have and not feel love.
But I am still not "in love"
"In love" to me means happily ever after.
You can love people you get no happy ever after with.

My friend told me I had to share these things with him...that if I didn't, I was making his decisions for him.
That by not sharing the "Ugly Truth" it was like making a Banana cake without the Bananas.
A Banana cake without the Bananas is just a vanilla cake.

She told me I hadn't done wrong, I just hadn't finished it.
I needed to add the Bananas.

So this letter is my Bananas. This is my Ugly Truth about Bananas.

I love him.
I didn't want to end the relationship.
I just didn't want to tell him that I couldn't live without the things he CHOSE not to give me any longer.
And I was wrong not to share my ugly truth and let him make his own decisions.

a Deviation....

There comes a time in everyone's journey where they either reach their destination and begin a new one, or they veer off slightly and detour, deviating from their original destination.

I have veered....even more to the left than I was before.
I am slightly left of centre on the best of days.

I have asked Master to release me from my collar.

I didn't do it while having a hissy fit. I did it while calm, albeit it very upset.

I wrote an email, I figured that's how it started, its kinda fitting that's how it should end also.

I have...over the last few months, questioned my submission, and I don't mean that I was starting to believe that I could no longer be a proper, true, or whatever kind of submissive you want to call it, I just mean that I have questioned the submissive part of me in general.

In the beginning, most of my friends who had an idea about the journey I was about to embark on, questioned that I was submissive, most of them were surprised that I was not entering the BDSM world as a Domme.

I sit back now and wonder what my journey may have been like had I met anyone other than Him.

I have no doubt, I would have lasted a couple of weeks, told them to fuck off when they asked me to do something I didn't want to, and that would have been the end.

I am not truly submissive by nature. I am really quite the opposite.
I often told Master that He gets part of me that no-one else ever did, and I know He understands it, but I don't think He ever really knew just exactly how much it was true.

I am not sitting here, released from my collar and contemplating becoming a Domme, nor am I considering looking for another Master.

I am stepping back from the whole thing.

It is very hard to explain what it is that made me do this, except to say that I found it increasingly difficult to maintain my submission as I was feeling more and more chained to a computer.
Master was always honest with me about what He could and couldn't give me, and for the most part I was happy with what I had, but the little things started to get to me. And I was upsetting myself.

I didn't all of a sudden want Him to propose, or to move in, or to suggest anything of the sort, and we had discussed my issues on a few occasions. I knew these were things that were mine alone to deal with, but there are some things, no matter what you try, you have to admit defeat.

I am defeated in a way, I can no longer be the submissive HE needs me to be.
I am still, and will always be submissive to Him, in that same way I still call the principal from my senior school years by Mr ......, I cannot for the life of me call him by his first name, even though he has asked me to, it just feels wrong and un-natural.

Master will always be MY Master.

We still have contact, with His permission I will still call Him Master, I cannot think of Him any other way.

I just can't be what He needs.

Our journey hasn't ended, its deviated. Its almost as if I have jumped into a car on my own, and we are travelling to the same place, stopping for coffee together along the way every so often.
So the blog won't end here, it just may have lots less posts than it did to begin with.

This is all still very fresh and raw, maybe later He may think differently, or I might, that is something I cannot predict, but for now.... He is someone I truly treasure and do not want to be without, its just the adjustment of what comes next I guess.

And just because it's me, there is music that goes with the post, this one is actually a soundtrack of my week. I have played one CD over and over, every single song having lyrics that called to me, but none specifically fitting the whole thing.

If you have the CD by Adele titled "21" you will know what I mean.

"I set fire to the rain"
"And I threw us into the flames"
"Well it felt like something died"

always and forever HIS kitty.

probably.....

Tomorrow I get a day out.

With a man.

Not Master.

But a man I know and trust.

This man does not know I have a submissive side, nor do I want him too.

I will be attending a function where there will be lots of men.....cute men too.

I can see myself spending an uncomfortable day, wriggling in my chair.


I can't help but wonder what I will be thinking this time tomorrow.

I will probably be wishing I was sitting next to someone else.

I will probably be checking my phone.

I will probably be disappointed in myself for wishing for things that I know will not ever happen.

Whatever happens, I know I will be coming home alone.

Surprise visitors......

Molly, from Molly's Daily Kiss posted a comment on my Pussy Galore Post that she would also love any links to sex and periods posts, or if I was looking for inspiration again, I could blog about that.

I have an issue with sex and periods.....a BIG ONE.

HUGE even.

And its hardly the normal concerns most people have.

I am not icked out by blood....admittedly it's not on the favourite list, but it is also not a huge drama for me either.

I am different to most "normal" women.....and I say that knowing I am hardly one of a kind, or alone in my issues, but neither am I like most other women in my age group when it comes to periods and blood and sex and mess.

I have a condition called Poly Cystic Ovarian Syndrome.
I also have Endometriosis.
And you can add Irritable Bowel Syndrome to that list as well.

So while I look normal on the outside, the insides are a LOT screwed up in one form or another.

I am not a Doctor, nor a specialist in any of these conditions, and I suggest, if you wish to know more, that you research for yourself, ask your doctor, or feel free to comment on this post with a DO NOT PUBLISH line, and I will reply in private if you send through your email addy.

What it means for me on a daily basis is.....

I am on an oral birth control....this helps with some of the symptoms of both the PCOS and the Endo.
What is doesn't control is rapid weight gain/loss, acne, excessive hair growth and constant pain.

What it does do is remove the monthly period that most women get, the one where a lot of those women tell their partners, that "its that time of the month" so "keep your hands to yourself."

I do get the occasional breakthrough bleeding, and I am sure Karma has it in for me...guaranteed when it happens, it's when Master is on His way.... or we have set aside time for a play date. The only positive about this kind of bleeding is that it is usually light, and over in 24 hours.

This post was actually published about 45 minutes before Master was to arrive on my doorstep.
He was en-route to my home, and uncontactable.
I got my period....or breakthrough bleeding rather.
I had no way to warn Him, and this was our second ever session, and I was as nervous as all hell even BEFORE I started bleeding!

I panicked. BIG TIME

I was supposed to be ready, kneeling, waiting, dressed.
What I WAS, was half dressed, no shoes, smoking, nearly vomiting with nerves, and running around the house in a flap.

I rushed out the back door, and nearly bowled Master over...I had been that nervous I didn't hear Him arrive.

I stood there, shocked silent, and looked at my feet, knowing before I even opened my mouth that I had just disappointed Him in a spectacularly non awesome way.
I stammered, blushed and choked out an explanation as to why I wasn't ready, then bolted back inside to do what I should have had already done.

Never in my whole entire life have I had a discussion as frank as Master and I had that day with any male besides my Doctor. He was very matter-of-fact about the whole thing, and then set about proving to me that He has no issue with whether or not I am bleeding, blood does little to interfere with me pleasing Him, nor does it effect how He feels about me and my body. Knowing I wasn't grossing Him out was my biggest concern, it wasn't something we had discussed as it shouldn't have been an issue that day. (damn karma)

I am fortunate with the LDR in that, I do occasionally have to give my body a break from the constant oral Birth Control, about 2-3 times a year, I stop taking it, and have the "normal"  monthly bleed that most women have, and being LDR, I can time these happening for when I know I won't see Master in person.
And bleeding doesn't much effect online, phone and other contact.

The LDR also lets me hide the effects of having one of those rare breaks off the pill.
Breakthrough bleeding is something Master has no issue with, and I know He would be ok with a "normal" period also.....what happens to me is FAR from either of these, and I know that would put an end to any playing while I was bleeding.

"if I was normal" I know I would not get away with using the excuse "it's that time of the month" and nor would I want it too....... on the rare breakthrough bleeding times, I am turned into a wild woman who can't get enough...saying No to Him would never occur to me.


http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Polycystic_ovary_syndrome

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Endometriosis

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Irritable_bowel_syndrome

These are only wiki links, I do not guarantee they are 100% accurate, and should not be used for a self diagnosis....what they will do, is guide you through the diseases and give you a small overview if you do not already know what they are or the symptoms they present.

I am VERY HAPPY to blog again on this topic if someone has specific questions about ME and MY symptoms. I cannot speak for others, and I know a lot of the symptoms I have, can be more intense, or hardly there compared to other people I know with the same diseases.

This is not a blog I am posting to get sympathy, I do not need it, I don't have a terminal illness, and what I DO have, I have lived with and maintained for over 20 years.

What it IS, is a post to show that your body may be screwed up, diseased, torn, broken or even bleeding, but its still beautiful.....It is YOU, and everyone is individual and special in their own way.

Sorry Molly, it's not the sex and period post that I am sure you were expecting.

a message of my own..

My week of no contact is about to be over, and I must say, while I have not struggled this time, I am ready for the week to be over.

My inner slut re-appeared just before Master went away again, and I am glad she hung around this time, rather than stowing away in His luggage.

That could have something to do with being put on webcam, stripped naked and made to do.....all sorts of stuff.

I was also left with the instruction that each day I was to write on my body beneath my clothes and take a full length naked pic, and each night I was to have time becoming acquainted with the butt plug. With the daily pic of the writing on my body, I was also instructed to insert a "largish" item and take a pic.

I am getting better on the camera I must say, I used to take a million pics just to get a couple that are not blurred, now I get them done, little edits and voila!!

The writings on my body have varied between "SLUT" and "HIS KITTY" and others in between.

Today was the last day I had specific instructions on what to write, which means that tomorrow, which is the last day of no contact that I am not required to write, pic, insert or use the butt plug.
After 6 days, its become habit to write, pic, get dressed, head to work.....it will feel slightly odd tomorrow to NOT do as I was asked for the last week, especially since I still wont have any contact.

Soooo, today's words are "Open For Master" and the "largish" item of the day is bought to you by the largest banana I could buy at the grocery store.

And tomorrow....... well I might just surprise Master with a "word of the day" of my own... a private message from me to Him.

untitled writing 3...

His hard cock sits touching the very entrance of my cunt, not entering, but letting me know it is right there, ready to fuck me.

He voice growls softly in my ear..

"Ask your Master nicely my kitty, tell your Master how much you want His cock and where you want it"

My head drops to the bed, face turning red, wanting His cock to fuck me badly but hating it when He makes me speak, beg, ask for it.

"Please Master" I say in a soft voice, muffled by the bed.

"Louder my kitty, you know what I want, if you don't do as I ask, you get nothing"

"I am begging you Master, please fuck me with your cock"

His cock enters my cunt, just the tip, then stops.

"Where do you want my cock kitty??" His voice deep, compelling, the forceful tone making sure I am aware this is not a polite request.

He tips me over the edge I have been balanced on for over an hour, being teased, tormented and used for His pleasure. My head lifts from the bed, the redness in my face disappearing as something inside me takes over, I turn, looking at Him over my shoulder.

My eyes telling Him that He just pushed that invisible button inside me He has been chasing.

I shoot Him an evil look, my mouth opens ....

"Fuck me Master, take the cunt you own and use it, don't be gentle"

His cock slams deep inside me, pushing hard, between His cock and the butt plug He placed in my arse earlier, I feel full, expanded, and knowing I am about to push my luck I look at Him again, wanting to see the look on His face.......

He frowns at me, not sure of the look on my face. This is the first time He has seen me like this, in this odd mood.

"is that it??"

before I can register that I am thinking them, I hear the words exit my mouth.

He smiles, a slow evil smile, looking me right in the eye.

"Oh my kitty, you shall surely regret those words"