The Ugly Truth about Bananas

I once had a pair of friends, who loved each other in their own ways, living 1000's miles apart, neither having easy, uncomplicated lives.
Both had issues, both wanted to protect each other from hurt.
So, by wanting to protect each other, they both kept the honest truth to themselves, which in turn, meant that they were making decisions for the other.
By sparing the person you love from the "Ugly Truth", you are not telling them everything, and you are taking away the right they have to make their own decisions.

On one hand, this is caring at its best. No one likes to hurt the person they love.
On the other hand, you are being less than truthful and you then miss out on the possibility that they too have an "Ugly Truth" they have been sparing you from.

I have an "Ugly Truth"

I kept it from someone I love.

I ended an important relationship in my life, and I didn't tell the honest truth.

The honest truth would hurt them, make them feel as if it were all their fault, and that's not the case.
Nothing is ever one person's fault when it comes to relationship's. Two people are involved. Two people start it. Everyone has faults.

My fault, I have this thing inside me that wants to protect the people I love from hurt.
Most people have it in some form. I have this insanely huge need to always protect the one's I love.
My kids, my family, my friends...it doesn't differentiate between who it is. I am the original mother bear who protects things viciously.

The protection comes in all forms, it comes in telling people off who hurt the ones I love, it comes in the form of keeping secrets to protect people, it comes to physical violence when the need calls for it. I don't hesitate to step into a fight to protect the ones I love.

My Ugly truth is I couldn't be in a relationship with someone I loved and not feel like I was an important part of their life.

A lot of the time I felt like I had no place in his life.
That I was a convenience rather than a priority.
The things I wanted were never things he couldn't give me, just things he chose not to give me.
Knowing he CHOSE to not give me the things I needed hurt the most.
I made the CHOICE to give him everything I could, even the things he didn't ask for.
I also made the choice to end things and not tell him stuff as to not hurt him.
I was wrong.
I don't have the right to end a relationship without telling the ugly truth.

Talking to a friend after it was all said and done...She gave me the honest and ugly truth.
That I hadn't been fair, that I had taken the right away from him to choose.
I should have given him the ugly truth and let him make his own decisions based on the whole truth.

I should have told him that I needed to hear his voice more.
I should have told him I loved him.
I should have told him that this would be easier knowing he loved me, that it would make it worth it.
I should have told him that I couldn't keep it this way any more.
I should have told him I would have taken his secrets to the grave.
I should have said a lot of things.
I didn't, because I didn't want to hurt him.

Ha made me promise not to fall in love.
I didn't.
What I did do, was believe in him, trust him, share things with him, let him through these walls into that place I have reserved for those I trust.
I let him into my heart.
I do love him.
Its impossible for me to have shared the things with him that I have and not feel love.
But I am still not "in love"
"In love" to me means happily ever after.
You can love people you get no happy ever after with.

My friend told me I had to share these things with him...that if I didn't, I was making his decisions for him.
That by not sharing the "Ugly Truth" it was like making a Banana cake without the Bananas.
A Banana cake without the Bananas is just a vanilla cake.

She told me I hadn't done wrong, I just hadn't finished it.
I needed to add the Bananas.

So this letter is my Bananas. This is my Ugly Truth about Bananas.

I love him.
I didn't want to end the relationship.
I just didn't want to tell him that I couldn't live without the things he CHOSE not to give me any longer.
And I was wrong not to share my ugly truth and let him make his own decisions.