After today I won't be posting to this blog any longer.
I may start another one somewhere down the track, but not here, and not under this name.
Thank you to those who have followed my journey, offered advice, hugs when needed, and a kick up the arse occasionally when required.
To those who linked my blog to theirs, thank you for your support, but you may want to delete me...no one wants to read a blog that is never updated.
A special thank you to the wonderful man who was my Master.
My journey would not have been half as wonderful, special and a Merry-Go-Round of all things good and bad without you.
Thank you for everything you have taught me, thank you for all the patience you have shown, and the care I felt/feel.
Friday, October 28, 2011
Tuesday, October 25, 2011
learning...
I did this quiz test way back at the start, just out of curiousity and boredom.
These were my first results from March, about 3 months into my journey.
You Scored as SubmissiveYou are into or need to be dominated. You get turned on from someone else taking control and controlling you inside or out of the bedroom or dungeon. Switches are a mix of submissive and dominant.
I have just done the test again, just to see how things have changed, and I knew from the certainty of the answers I gave, I knew it would be different.
You Scored as Submissive
Vanilla 0%
yup...different.
Seems I have learnt a lot
These were my first results from March, about 3 months into my journey.
You Scored as SubmissiveYou are into or need to be dominated. You get turned on from someone else taking control and controlling you inside or out of the bedroom or dungeon. Switches are a mix of submissive and dominant.
| Submissive | 81% |
| Fetishist | 59% |
| Masochistic | 50% |
| Sadistic | 25% |
| Dominant | 16% |
I have just done the test again, just to see how things have changed, and I knew from the certainty of the answers I gave, I knew it would be different.
You Scored as Submissive
| Submissive | 100% |
| Experimental | 86% |
| Masochist | 79% |
| Bondage | 71% |
| Exhibitionist / Voyeur | 71% |
| Degradation Lover | 57% |
| Switch | 54% |
| Sadist | 50% |
| Dominant | 7% |
yup...different.
Seems I have learnt a lot
Monday, October 24, 2011
wishes and not regrets...
If I hadn't asked to be released, I would have missed out on so many wonderful things over the last few weeks.
I have met some wonderful kinky people, away from this damn computer.
I have been to two events... Yes _sg TWO events!!!
I have made new friends both online, and in real life.
People who now, I can see will discuss bondage and kinky sex with me even when we are too old to actually be able to do it.
I have had a wonderful month or so...kink wise.
And yet??
I wish I could have done all this while I was still collared, still HIS.
I cannot regret asking to be released, that would mean I would have never posted that personal ad, never had comments and messages from people I can now call friends, never had an invite for coffee, which led to an event, which led to more friends, and another event, and probably more to come.
But I wish there had been a way to be able to have my cake and eat it too.
I have met some wonderful kinky people, away from this damn computer.
I have been to two events... Yes _sg TWO events!!!
I have made new friends both online, and in real life.
People who now, I can see will discuss bondage and kinky sex with me even when we are too old to actually be able to do it.
I have had a wonderful month or so...kink wise.
And yet??
I wish I could have done all this while I was still collared, still HIS.
I cannot regret asking to be released, that would mean I would have never posted that personal ad, never had comments and messages from people I can now call friends, never had an invite for coffee, which led to an event, which led to more friends, and another event, and probably more to come.
But I wish there had been a way to be able to have my cake and eat it too.
Friday, October 21, 2011
Fucking MEN!!
I feel like throwing a tantrum...but I won't.
In all the things I have done over the past year or so, in all the people I have chatted to in that time, there seems to be something that consistently shits me no end.
Why is it, that the more "Domly Dom" they are, the less they seem to share.
What is it with the cryptic shit??
If I didn't want to know...I wouldn't have bloody asked!!!
And if I DID ask...then I damn well want to know...and not just a polite answer, try for something a little in depth occasionally!!
And another thing, while I am on a roll.....
It WON'T kill you to SHARE your feelings...you know, all those things you feel, your wants and desires.
I give mine freely....too much sometimes, but when I get to the point where I feel like I am hesitant to share those feelings because I have NO FUCKING CLUE if any, none, some or even a couple are returned, shared or felt....it makes me want to give up.
Seriously....if I get told (by someone who turns me on) "I would like to bend you over that table, tie you to each end, and use both ends of you until I am satisfied"
I get wet... FAST!!!
I do not want showers of everlasting devotion, the "I love you's" or the "be mine forever's"
but the "I want to fuck you silly" or the "you are MINE" thingy that some guys can say with success and not sound like a fuckwit...
In all the things I have done over the past year or so, in all the people I have chatted to in that time, there seems to be something that consistently shits me no end.
Men.
Men shit me.
Men annoy me.
Men make me angry.....sometimes.
Why is it, that the more "Domly Dom" they are, the less they seem to share.
What is it with the cryptic shit??
If I didn't want to know...I wouldn't have bloody asked!!!
And if I DID ask...then I damn well want to know...and not just a polite answer, try for something a little in depth occasionally!!
And another thing, while I am on a roll.....
It WON'T kill you to SHARE your feelings...you know, all those things you feel, your wants and desires.
I give mine freely....too much sometimes, but when I get to the point where I feel like I am hesitant to share those feelings because I have NO FUCKING CLUE if any, none, some or even a couple are returned, shared or felt....it makes me want to give up.
Seriously....if I get told (by someone who turns me on) "I would like to bend you over that table, tie you to each end, and use both ends of you until I am satisfied"
I get wet... FAST!!!
I do not want showers of everlasting devotion, the "I love you's" or the "be mine forever's"
but the "I want to fuck you silly" or the "you are MINE" thingy that some guys can say with success and not sound like a fuckwit...
THAT'S WHAT I WANT!!
Wednesday, October 19, 2011
If only I had asked....
Ever had one of those most absolutely wonderful moments in your life where half of what you did went past you so quick you missed it??
Or that you were enjoying it so much that it was just over way too soon??
And that even though you loved every second of it, that something happened which ended it too soon and you feel the slight sting of disappointment that it ended so abruptly??
I had one of those moments.
I was so far into subspace that I can barely remember anything except feeling like I was floating along, hardly knowing my name, thinking words were coming from my mouth and yet I was getting no reaction, so possibly they were really just thoughts and not actual words.
I remember the blindfold going on.
I remember my hands being bound behind my back...wrist to elbows I think.
I remember being hit with a stick like you get on a childs balloon, the stingy strike making me draw breath.
I remember being asked colors....what was the safeword? what color was I up to?
I remember His cock in my mouth, and me feeling like a newborn child nuzzling at it, trying to get it into my mouth without hands to assist.
I remember wanting His cock in my arse.
I remember feeling like I was about to come.
I remember a sharp pain, and me grabbing His wrist unconsciously, stopping myself from saying the safeword, just holding it still until I could get a deep breath or two and then letting go. I didn't need the safeword, I just needed a breath.
I remember it then ended all too soon.
I remember feeling like I wanted to cry, that it was my fault it stopped so soon.
I remember being in the bathroom with a glass of Coke and a glass filled with M & M's.
I remember the look on His face at the thought that He had hurt me.
I wont ever forget any of it.
The scene itself may fade over time, other memories of sessions yet to come to take their place, but I will never forget the feeling of knowing I was - at that exact moment in time...someone important, someone cared for in a way that I have never felt before....anywhere, and with someone who is just as important to me as I am to them.
I remember the next morning, just wanting to get on my knees and start the day off properly.
I will never forget wishing I had asked if I could...instead of sitting there wishing He would tell me to.
Or that you were enjoying it so much that it was just over way too soon??
And that even though you loved every second of it, that something happened which ended it too soon and you feel the slight sting of disappointment that it ended so abruptly??
I had one of those moments.
I was so far into subspace that I can barely remember anything except feeling like I was floating along, hardly knowing my name, thinking words were coming from my mouth and yet I was getting no reaction, so possibly they were really just thoughts and not actual words.
I remember the blindfold going on.
I remember my hands being bound behind my back...wrist to elbows I think.
I remember being hit with a stick like you get on a childs balloon, the stingy strike making me draw breath.
I remember being asked colors....what was the safeword? what color was I up to?
I remember His cock in my mouth, and me feeling like a newborn child nuzzling at it, trying to get it into my mouth without hands to assist.
I remember wanting His cock in my arse.
I remember feeling like I was about to come.
I remember a sharp pain, and me grabbing His wrist unconsciously, stopping myself from saying the safeword, just holding it still until I could get a deep breath or two and then letting go. I didn't need the safeword, I just needed a breath.
I remember it then ended all too soon.
I remember feeling like I wanted to cry, that it was my fault it stopped so soon.
I remember being in the bathroom with a glass of Coke and a glass filled with M & M's.
I remember the look on His face at the thought that He had hurt me.
I wont ever forget any of it.
The scene itself may fade over time, other memories of sessions yet to come to take their place, but I will never forget the feeling of knowing I was - at that exact moment in time...someone important, someone cared for in a way that I have never felt before....anywhere, and with someone who is just as important to me as I am to them.
I remember the next morning, just wanting to get on my knees and start the day off properly.
I will never forget wishing I had asked if I could...instead of sitting there wishing He would tell me to.
Sunday, October 16, 2011
missing things...
The idea of not blogging about certain things is not that I think I should censor what I write, or that there are things that just shouldn't be blogged about, it was more that now that I have attended a kink event, and people I met there I have added to fetlife, and those same people read my blog.
Now that in itself is not an issue for me, I love that people read my blog, the issue is if I met someone, and mentioned that same person on here, that those people may or may not know who I am talking about.
Starting a new journey with someone different, or making the beginnings of a new friendship can be hard enough as it is, without broadcasting all the bits that are hard, confusing and exciting.
I know I have people I can talk to about those things, both online, and in person, but sometimes writing down different things can also help me work through the confusion.
So the not blogging about specifics is not for my benefit, its more about protecting the innocent so to speak.
Not everyone wants to know that the whole world is watching, reading about your life, the things you say and do.
In the meantime, I am craving submission and sex.
I miss not feeling like I belong to someone.
And of all the things, that feeling is the hardest, as that is/was the one thing I struggled with in the beginning....knowing I would BELONG to someone, that I would be OWNED.
I am a big girl...I can do all the things I want to do on my own, I can look after myself, I can do what needs to be done, I DO NOT need a man in my life to do those things, and yet I miss being owned, belonging to someone, I miss tasks, I miss hearing what would be done to me. I miss a lot of things.
For those who commented, namely Maui girl and sg, if you guys want to read the private blog, I have no issue with that, I just need email addy's to add you to the list of approved.
I know you two have valuable input, and always help clear things up a little, and the fact that you both have no idea who it is that I am blogging about.....solves that issue xx
Now that in itself is not an issue for me, I love that people read my blog, the issue is if I met someone, and mentioned that same person on here, that those people may or may not know who I am talking about.
Starting a new journey with someone different, or making the beginnings of a new friendship can be hard enough as it is, without broadcasting all the bits that are hard, confusing and exciting.
I know I have people I can talk to about those things, both online, and in person, but sometimes writing down different things can also help me work through the confusion.
So the not blogging about specifics is not for my benefit, its more about protecting the innocent so to speak.
Not everyone wants to know that the whole world is watching, reading about your life, the things you say and do.
In the meantime, I am craving submission and sex.
I miss not feeling like I belong to someone.
And of all the things, that feeling is the hardest, as that is/was the one thing I struggled with in the beginning....knowing I would BELONG to someone, that I would be OWNED.
I am a big girl...I can do all the things I want to do on my own, I can look after myself, I can do what needs to be done, I DO NOT need a man in my life to do those things, and yet I miss being owned, belonging to someone, I miss tasks, I miss hearing what would be done to me. I miss a lot of things.
For those who commented, namely Maui girl and sg, if you guys want to read the private blog, I have no issue with that, I just need email addy's to add you to the list of approved.
I know you two have valuable input, and always help clear things up a little, and the fact that you both have no idea who it is that I am blogging about.....solves that issue xx
Thursday, October 13, 2011
confusion...
I have a million things rolling around inside this head of mine....
Thoughts
Feelings
Emotions
Frustrations
Anger
And I have seemingly lost the ability to able to decide what is now appropriate to blog about and what's not.
I don't want to be disrespectful to anyone, to write things here that they may not be aware of, to hurt anyone by mistake.
I think I need to start a private blog, and not because I won't continue to blog here, but to get things sorted out in my head that I can't do without writing them down somewhere.
I will still blog here, when I know what it is I can blog about, and what I can't.
Thoughts
Feelings
Emotions
Frustrations
Anger
And I have seemingly lost the ability to able to decide what is now appropriate to blog about and what's not.
I don't want to be disrespectful to anyone, to write things here that they may not be aware of, to hurt anyone by mistake.
I think I need to start a private blog, and not because I won't continue to blog here, but to get things sorted out in my head that I can't do without writing them down somewhere.
I will still blog here, when I know what it is I can blog about, and what I can't.
Tuesday, October 11, 2011
Sunday, October 9, 2011
the start, the middle or the end??
Tonight I am feeling a little lost.
This blog started off as a way for me to record my journey with Master...all the highs and lows of me discovering my kink, becoming a collared submissive, the trials of a Long Distance Relationship and everything in between.
I have felt lost since being released (at my request) but in a totally different way tonight than from yesterday.
My writing in this blog has helped me at times in ways that only someone else who blogs will understand. It allows me to focus on the feelings I have, why I feel the way I do, why I DO the things I do and much more.
But I feel like I have begun a journey of my own, no longer WITH Master, but me....Sassy.
I have things I still want to write about, blog about, confess and admit to, but they no longer directly involve the person I began my journey with, and it feels disrespectful to Him to continue to blog about them here....where this was our home, the place we could leave the distance behind and just be Master and His kitty......and now I am Sassy...on a journey of my own.
I wonder now how a blog might work when I have come out from behind the screen, met people in person, had coffee, dinner, a kink event, I have messages sent to me that I would love to share and blog about, but now people actually know who I am...and more than likely, who I would talk about in my blog. And I feel odd even contemplating that. I would never share private things without asking permission from the other people involved, but it still feels odd.
Now I have more to think about....where do I write now???
A private blog?
A new blog?
Continue the old blog?
Not blog at all?
Only blog about what comes next in my un-finished journey with Master?
I have contemplated a private journal, but I love the comments, the other people who have a suggestion I may not have thought of, and the fact that someday a new submissive may stumble across my blog here and even if they learnt only one small thing through all we have been through, it is worth every typed word.
I just don't know what comes next for me in blogland....
This blog started off as a way for me to record my journey with Master...all the highs and lows of me discovering my kink, becoming a collared submissive, the trials of a Long Distance Relationship and everything in between.
I have felt lost since being released (at my request) but in a totally different way tonight than from yesterday.
My writing in this blog has helped me at times in ways that only someone else who blogs will understand. It allows me to focus on the feelings I have, why I feel the way I do, why I DO the things I do and much more.
But I feel like I have begun a journey of my own, no longer WITH Master, but me....Sassy.
I have things I still want to write about, blog about, confess and admit to, but they no longer directly involve the person I began my journey with, and it feels disrespectful to Him to continue to blog about them here....where this was our home, the place we could leave the distance behind and just be Master and His kitty......and now I am Sassy...on a journey of my own.
I wonder now how a blog might work when I have come out from behind the screen, met people in person, had coffee, dinner, a kink event, I have messages sent to me that I would love to share and blog about, but now people actually know who I am...and more than likely, who I would talk about in my blog. And I feel odd even contemplating that. I would never share private things without asking permission from the other people involved, but it still feels odd.
Now I have more to think about....where do I write now???
A private blog?
A new blog?
Continue the old blog?
Not blog at all?
Only blog about what comes next in my un-finished journey with Master?
I have contemplated a private journal, but I love the comments, the other people who have a suggestion I may not have thought of, and the fact that someday a new submissive may stumble across my blog here and even if they learnt only one small thing through all we have been through, it is worth every typed word.
I just don't know what comes next for me in blogland....
Thursday, October 6, 2011
waiting on the couch with friends.......
A wise and wonderful man once told me that I would one day find a new Master.
A beautiful friend told me to stop looking, just make some friends instead.
Someone new in my life told me to "unlock my door, but go back inside and sit on the couch and wait"
I understand all 3.
One day I may find a new Dom...but he will be Sir....not Master.
I went and made a few new kinky friends, attending my first event, and met some wonderful people.
I understand what the someone new is telling me.
I need to stop looking, because the things you seek, you cannot find, it is when you are NOT looking. THAT is when you will find what you seek.
Master has a special place in me, in my heart and in my soul. That cannot be replaced, and nor do I want it to. I do not wish to be without Him, have His support in all I do.
He will always be MY Master, and even though I am no longer His owned submissive, I know I will always be His kitty.
We have a connection, a bond, something between us that I hope will never change, even in all the changes of our lives, our situation and what happens around us. The last few weeks have shown me how things can change, but the trust in Him hasn't. I still value His opinion, His words of wisdom and all He does for me.
One day Sir may knock on that door, and ask to come in.
Until then...I have some new and kinky friends, and I know Master will support me no matter what.
Tuesday, October 4, 2011
Curiosity caned the kitty...
I went!!!
Oh boy, I was so nervous I could have thrown up at ANY point while driving down there.
Thank goodness I had 3 other people in the car, or I am sure I would have stopped, turned around and come home without going.
I wore a little black dress, short, and 5 inch heels.
I almost, at times felt overdressed. The ladies there wore lovely dresses, fantastic boots, and my eye was drawn to a virtual array of wonderful corset tops, which I was instantly jealous of.
I met some wonderful people, all very welcoming and nice..and never did I feel like I was the odd one out, or that my look screamed "newb".
Lots of different play was available to try, I saw rope bondage, gorgeous knots, suspension, a St Andrews cross or two, spankings, men dressed as women, women dressed as men, it was very much an each to their own night and it was wonderful to see it all. I had a blast looking, watching, and taking it all in.
For as much as I had fun, I also walked around a lot thinking of Him. Wondering if He knew I was there, wondering what He would have thought about me going, whether I may have had some rules, temporarily so I didn't do something I shouldn't.
I think I behaved, I did play, ok...shoot me, I was curious... I watched 2 ladies line up and get a caning, only gently, one was a younger girl and it was her first time. The Top was very gentle with her, and at one point I had to bite my lip with her as her face grimaced and eyes widened as the cane landed on her almost bare arse.
I was thengently nudged talked into getting a caning of my own. Yes, I could have said no, but curiosity got the better of me, and that's one of the things He had never done to me.
I bent over, hands braced on the arm of a low line couch, felt my dress be lifted from behind, baring my arse for all to see, I dropped my head, my hair falling forwards hiding the face I was sure was bright red by now.
The "Caner" bent over me, talked to me, told me what he would do, and how, then stepped back and "did his thing" always checking I was ok, smiling when I looked at him over my shoulder calling him a bastard.
Fast foward what was probably about 5-10 minutes and my arse was STINGING.
I put my hand back there and could feel welts, the red hot burning set in, as painful as it is pleasurable.
Standing up, pulling my dress back down, He hugged me, told me I did great, patted my sore butt and stood there with a smile.
Caned Sunday night, and this is the end result on Tuesday.
Since then I have had plenty of time to think about things, whether or not I liked it, whether or not I want to try it again, whether or not I should have done it, and how I feel about the fact that I now have marks, given to me by someone other than Him, had a first experience with someone other than Him.
If I am truthful, and it is in no way meant to be disrespectful to the "caner", I was emotional over it. Having a first experience wasn't as bad as the fact that someone else marked me.
It was odd to have the pain and the marks without any intimacy afterwards, no holding, kissing, touching, definitely not what I have had in the past, and that felt odd, and slightly confusing.
If nothing else happened that night, I gained some wonderful new friends, I got my first caning, and the requisite marks that follow, and I now have to think about what it is comes next.
Oh boy, I was so nervous I could have thrown up at ANY point while driving down there.
Thank goodness I had 3 other people in the car, or I am sure I would have stopped, turned around and come home without going.
I wore a little black dress, short, and 5 inch heels.
I almost, at times felt overdressed. The ladies there wore lovely dresses, fantastic boots, and my eye was drawn to a virtual array of wonderful corset tops, which I was instantly jealous of.
I met some wonderful people, all very welcoming and nice..and never did I feel like I was the odd one out, or that my look screamed "newb".
Lots of different play was available to try, I saw rope bondage, gorgeous knots, suspension, a St Andrews cross or two, spankings, men dressed as women, women dressed as men, it was very much an each to their own night and it was wonderful to see it all. I had a blast looking, watching, and taking it all in.
For as much as I had fun, I also walked around a lot thinking of Him. Wondering if He knew I was there, wondering what He would have thought about me going, whether I may have had some rules, temporarily so I didn't do something I shouldn't.
I think I behaved, I did play, ok...shoot me, I was curious... I watched 2 ladies line up and get a caning, only gently, one was a younger girl and it was her first time. The Top was very gentle with her, and at one point I had to bite my lip with her as her face grimaced and eyes widened as the cane landed on her almost bare arse.
I was then
I bent over, hands braced on the arm of a low line couch, felt my dress be lifted from behind, baring my arse for all to see, I dropped my head, my hair falling forwards hiding the face I was sure was bright red by now.
The "Caner" bent over me, talked to me, told me what he would do, and how, then stepped back and "did his thing" always checking I was ok, smiling when I looked at him over my shoulder calling him a bastard.
Fast foward what was probably about 5-10 minutes and my arse was STINGING.
I put my hand back there and could feel welts, the red hot burning set in, as painful as it is pleasurable.
Standing up, pulling my dress back down, He hugged me, told me I did great, patted my sore butt and stood there with a smile.
Caned Sunday night, and this is the end result on Tuesday.
Since then I have had plenty of time to think about things, whether or not I liked it, whether or not I want to try it again, whether or not I should have done it, and how I feel about the fact that I now have marks, given to me by someone other than Him, had a first experience with someone other than Him.
If I am truthful, and it is in no way meant to be disrespectful to the "caner", I was emotional over it. Having a first experience wasn't as bad as the fact that someone else marked me.
It was odd to have the pain and the marks without any intimacy afterwards, no holding, kissing, touching, definitely not what I have had in the past, and that felt odd, and slightly confusing.
If nothing else happened that night, I gained some wonderful new friends, I got my first caning, and the requisite marks that follow, and I now have to think about what it is comes next.
Sunday, October 2, 2011
I give good wordage!!
I received some advice a little while ago from a wonderful friend who told me to STOP LOOKING, and just make the effort to get involved in the local kink scene, or as local as I felt comfy with, make some friends, and just enjoy having a good time.
I pondered that advice for all of about, maybe a day.... two at most.
Then I went to my personal ad I had previously posted and Thanked everyone for their comments, remarked I have not found what I wanted, but knew now what it is that I actually do want....I think!
I do want to stop looking.
I did make the effort to get a little more involved in the local kink scene...sorta, kinda, maybe.
I made my first set of local kinky friends....we had a wonderful 3 hours having coffee, chatting, getting to know each other a little better.
I have also had a new influx in messages.....why I do not know...but I have.
Some I can tell are just chatting, some are friends of the kinky friends, some are strangers wanting a quick wank fest, some are outright bizarre, but in the last 2 weeks, I have had more messages than I have had since I began... all added together.
I have phone numbers, one I am pondering on using, the others I didn't even write down.
I have been called, adorable, sexy, precious, cute, complicated, sassy (now there is a surprise NOT) and a whole host of other names.
I have been told my pics on there range from just ok, to downright fuckable.
The biggest compliment I have had so far???
I was told I "give good wordage"
I am pretty sure that means I give as good as I get ;p
And I am possibly going to my first event tonight...... *bites fingernails*
Now.....what the fuck do I wear?????
I pondered that advice for all of about, maybe a day.... two at most.
Then I went to my personal ad I had previously posted and Thanked everyone for their comments, remarked I have not found what I wanted, but knew now what it is that I actually do want....I think!
I do want to stop looking.
I did make the effort to get a little more involved in the local kink scene...sorta, kinda, maybe.
I made my first set of local kinky friends....we had a wonderful 3 hours having coffee, chatting, getting to know each other a little better.
I have also had a new influx in messages.....why I do not know...but I have.
Some I can tell are just chatting, some are friends of the kinky friends, some are strangers wanting a quick wank fest, some are outright bizarre, but in the last 2 weeks, I have had more messages than I have had since I began... all added together.
I have phone numbers, one I am pondering on using, the others I didn't even write down.
I have been called, adorable, sexy, precious, cute, complicated, sassy (now there is a surprise NOT) and a whole host of other names.
I have been told my pics on there range from just ok, to downright fuckable.
The biggest compliment I have had so far???
I was told I "give good wordage"
I am pretty sure that means I give as good as I get ;p
And I am possibly going to my first event tonight...... *bites fingernails*
Now.....what the fuck do I wear?????
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