horny and wanting....

An aching pussy.

A throbbing clit.

The feeling of needing to be filled.

Mouth watering at the thought of His cock filling it.

Arse clenching in readiness of the feeling of His hand spanking me hard.

I have not cum in 4 days.

And I am not allowed to cum before I see Him next.

I am wishing it was tomorrow.

I am dripping in readiness for Him to treat me how He wishes to.

I am horny to the point that if I wriggle just right in my tight jeans, that I think it may tip me over the edge.

I should have worn panties today, instead I have the seam of these jeans resting on the super sensitive clit thats begging for me to rub at it, pinch it, place the hitachi on it.....just something, anything that will make me cum, and yet I resist.

Because I was told not to.

I have no doubt that tomorrow morning I will wake up with my hand between my legs, rubbing at my clit.

Luckily its winter here in Australia and I can wear pj's that may stop me playing to the point I cum as I wake.

control me...

For some reason, I have had control on the brain since Friday last week when I was ordered to wear the butt plug out to a lunch date with my mother.


I also had "Master's Cunt" written across the pubic bone above a freshly waxed pussy.


I was horny all day.


I have had horny moments over the last 7 weeks, but I havent spent a WHOLE day horny like that since before Master went away.


It got me thinking about control....and I am not entirely sure I can effectively explain the thoughts going on in my head, but I will give it my best shot.


Control...as per a dictionary is listed as...
1. To exercise authoritative or dominating influence over; direct.
2. To adjust to a requirement; regulate: 
3. To hold in restraint; check: 
4. To reduce or prevent the spread of: 


Well, there is no denying Master does the first, anyone else who told me to wear a butt plug would get told to fuck off quick smart.


The second is my job I guess, although I had never actually though about it like that before.


The third is part of my submission, that I am held, and hold myself in restraint e.g Holding my sassy mouth shut.


I am not sure the fourth holds much meaning in what I have had in my head lately, but I am sure it must fit in there somewhere. All it brings to mind is wearing a face mask to prevent the spread of some exotic yet deadly cough or some such thing.


Master exercising His Dominance over me in small ways, is seemingly (from MY point of view only) more appealing and makes it easier for me to FEEL owned.
When I have writing over my body, while at work, serving customers who have no idea that this "normal" looking middle aged woman turns into a dirty slut, who has "nasty" words written all over her body, who has wet panties from being turned on all day knowing she is pleasing someone miles away just by doing as asked without complaint, it makes my breath come faster, it makes me wetter, and it makes me smile.
It is the same when I get an unexpected order in the middle of a day to do something "naughty" and they can be as simple as taking a pic with my phone while at work, hiding in the bathroom and knowing I have to rub my clit for X time and not cum, to wear a butt plug out in public....the all invoke the same reactions....an adrenaline hit...a rush.....again, its like the addict in me getting a hit.


Even something as simple as being told to not wear panties on a particular day, its all the same. It is a hit, a rush.


When I dont get any sort of control...I get itchy...like I am craving something and not sure what will ease it.
There is nothing I can do to help myself ease the craving, there is no magic word/food/drink/task/mantra or anything else. Even speaking to other Doms doesnt ease it, depending on who they are, they can do one of two things...they can either distract me long enough that I forget I am craving it (good to point out here, that forgetting will only last the length of the conversation, its not a FORGET forget) OR they are idiot Doms who I tell to get lost and then the cravings intensify, all because I remember how wonderful He is and that it is HIM that owns me, and therefore controls me.


I am under no illusions that each of my tasks are there for a specific purpose, whether it be teaching me to look at things from a different point of view, to make me sit and think about my reaction to something, and how it could have been different, to get me horny, or more importantly to please Master in ways I am still yet to understand.


Of all the things I think about, WHY it pleases Master is often the LAST thing I think about, the why is not as important to me as the HAVE, as in I HAVE pleased Him.


I can look back now...with having had 2 weeks contact with Master since his return, that the control was one of  the things I missed the most....and that a lot of my issues over His emails, were not because they werent long and lengthy, full of news about far away places I couldnt see, it was because in the back of my mind, each time I saw there was an email there,

 I had a hope that it would contain something that would control me.

cleaning the bloody junk drawer..

Who knew the comment about Master being "nearly broken in" would get me punished.......


Apparently, everybody but me.


I have the nickname Sassy for a reason....the cheeky comments tend to flow quicker than the fingers can keep up some days....not so much others.


The above comment got me punished.


An overhaul of the cutlery drawer and the utensil drawer, which is otherwise known in my home as the junk drawer.


Oh joy.


Along with my punishment, I was also instructed to sleep in only Master's shirt and panties for 3 nights, to use the hitachi each night before bed AND when just on the verge of orgasm, I was to bite my free arm, then I was free to cum.


I managed 6 months without being punished and I copped it twice in one week.


Which idiot sub whinged about not enough Dominance??? Uh huh....me. Well, I aint whinging now.


And as much as I am NOT looking forward to the next few weeks while we are so busy, I AM actually looking forward to an email every night. 


I wonder what creative punishment I will get next time I blog something inappropriate.


Or I could do as the fucker recommended...give Master a little more me, a little more submission, and a little less sassy.


I am going to ponder that one a little more, I know Master likes me the way I am, but on the flip side, I also want to be a better submissive than I am.......but where is there a comfortable line I wonder??? Hmmmm

the QUEEN of compromise..

Ok.

I can do this.

As much as I have been disappointed lately, I disappointed Master also.

Neither of us have had a lot of time, which has made for rushed conversations about nothing....and those are the kind I hate.

I am a straight down the line kind of girl...give it to me blunt, let me get used to it, and then I can process it.

Unfortunately, that is also the way I deal with other people in my life, give it to them blunt, give them time to process it, then we chat again.
Not always a good way to be...but it is me, and the only way I know, and quite frankly...too bad if you don't.

Master and I had a chat this morning, I know when I logged on, I never expected quite the chat we did have, but when it was all said and done, I am soooo glad we did.

Neither of us are going to have time to be the way we are used to being together for a little while, and I know it has been suggested that I find a Master who has more time, can be available more.

FUCK THAT

I like the one I have...He is nearly broken in. *ducks*


On many occasions I have struggled to tell Him I am pissed off with Him, or disappointed over something.
I think today we managed between us to come up with a way I can do this.

I was allowed to remove my collar TEMPORARILY and spill my guts so to speak.
As in...speak freely without thoughts of how do I say this or that and still sound submissive.
Well bugger me...did that free me up.
Out it spilled....

When I had finished my little rant..I put my collar back on figuratively and I felt better.
I had told Him why I was disappointed, and pissed off...bawled like a baby the whole time, but I did it, and after I felt better.


I wanted to try and make His life as easy as I can for the next few weeks, but I also knew unless I got those things off my chest I would explode and cause more trouble in the long run.
I suggested that until things calm down more that we find a compromise of sorts.
I am the QUEEN of compromise....there is middle ground for almost every situation. It just takes two to be honest about their needs and find something in the middle.
I NEED His contact in some form or another...and I NEED it to be Dominating and/or Instructional.
HE NEEDS me to be uncomplicated, not disappointed and NOT demanding.

I suggested rather than sit and chit chat all day, have me interrupting Him, and me getting nothing done while I wait for his meeting/phone call/client/or whatever else to finish, that we try a daily email to each other...JUST until things settle down and then review it again.

He sends an email of an evening...outlining SOMETHING I have to do over night. Can be major or minor, as long as it is making me concentrate on HIM, Me and My submission to Him...a task if you will.
As involved or as simple as He likes...this is not my choice.. I need it to be HIS CHOICE.
oh yeah...and He promised me He will manage more than 3 lines.

Then....I have to have an email on His desk before He begins work...something to make Him smile before the hectic day takes over. His morning dose of vitamin kitty.

Then...we have each had time thinking of the other...and please dont get me wrong here, but that is one of the things I have found I have needed the most in this LDR. The need to know that for a small portion of His day...somewhere along the line, that I have His attention...undivided attention.

As much as I grimace when I hear "Rome wasn't built in a day" or "Look to the positive"
I am sure Master does the same when I say "I would rather have 30 minutes of attention, than 2 minutes here and there while you are between calls" or " I can do anything, so long as I know you still want me"

This way..I know at some point He has sat and thought of me, of something I can do to please Him, have that mental connection, AND He knows I am HIS submissive, who has that time doing as He pleases, in ways that He chooses.

ok...so not an ideal way to do things, but its temporary...until things calm down for both of us.

So I guess...maybe for the next little while...my blogs might be about my tasks, how I felt and why.

But whatever you do...please know this....

I SMILED THE WHOLE TIME I WROTE THIS

oh yeah....AND....

the inner slut poked her head up today...something about wearing a butt plug while having lunch with my mother, and knowing that under my jeans was the writing I had been instructed to place there this morning, just made her pop up and smile at me.....maybe she will come back after all.

disappointments...

I feel like all I have done is whinge lately.....I dont feel like I have sat here and typed with a smile on my face for over a month, possibly two, and that shits me.

I am normally a very happy go lucky kinda chick, always smiling.

But lately it just feels like one big disappointment.

One little thing wouldnt worry me, but each one piles on top of the other and they are burying me alive.

I have this HUGE mental list of things I am disappointed in, and for the life of me I cant work my way down the list to get rid of them.

Each disappointment tempts me to get off this damn merry-go-round I am on.

punishment and sassiness...

I got punished today...I think its the first time.

I got sassy with Master, and He wasnt impressed.

My punishment was to wear the medium butt plug until He told me I could remove it.

I look back on it now and know I never intended to disrespect Him, but at the same time I wanted to scream at Him.

I have had as good as  NO dominance in nearly 7 weeks.

Nearly 7 weeks since I have seen His face or heard His voice.

The inner slut fucked off weeks ago.

The bitch has taken up residence and shows no sign of leaving for a warmer climate.

I have been able to do as I please, say what I wish and decide what I want to do for myself.

Now I have to turn it all around and back the other way on a dime???
Damn...I only WISH it was that easy.

Maybe if we had played today like planned this post would have been different, maybe I would be posting that the inner slut was back...I dont know.

I DO know...if we HAD seen each other today...it may have been a feisty session.

No...scratch that...WOULD have been a feisty session.

The bitch inside me would have made Him work for the submission today.

 I need a fight.

Then I need fucking good make up sex.

Or I need to be MADE to submit again...the punching bag has had a few work outs this week...I wonder how many more it will collect before the week is out?

deflated..

Master and I were going to play tomorrow.

Between the both of us.... we managed to work out the neither of us could really devote the amount of time we wished to have a decent session, and the idea of a quick fuck just made my hands clench in fury...dont know why, but it did.

So now I sit here, wondering how I will feel about tomorrow being cancelled when I actually wake up tomorrow. Tonight I am too tired to think too hard about anything, but I have no doubt tomorrow will be different.

As much as I was slightly nervous about seeing Him tomorrow, I was also kinda relying on it, in a silly way.
I really want the inner slut back where she belongs, and the bitch back in her box.
I have a feeling that He is the only one who can do that, god knows I have tried lately.

Even putting my play collar on last night to do my tasks didnt even get her to pop up for a look, and the bitch just laughed at me for even trying.
Could have been that she didnt appear because I was still taking pics at nearly 3 am this morning, in and around other things that were happening here.

3 more weeks before we can get together.....3 more weeks of feeling "not quite right"

OH GREAT, Just what I fucking needed..... NOT

little bit nervous..

I am a little bit nervous.

Master and I have a session planned for this week.

Its been nearly 6 weeks since we played last.

That night didnt leave me feeling so great, but I learned a valuable lesson...one I wont forget in a hurry.

I have a feeling this will be different this time....more intense than before.

He says I have grown significantly, that He needs to keep in mind I need greater Domination.

That I need a "harder session"

The idea of a harder session doesnt worry me.... I trust Him to physically take me, use me and know when I have neared the edge of my limit. I am almost looking forward to Him testing me, seeing how far I can go.

As always I have sat and imagined what this week might bring, how the session may go, what He may do to me. My mind keeps returning to the session where He introduced me to candle play, left me with marks, the session where He placed the collar around my neck for the first time.
That session was different to all others we have had in a specific way that means a lot, but yet, I cannot work out what was different, what made it different. Was it me? My head space? Or Him? Did He do something different that I missed?

In that session He bit me...several times.

Most people who know me will know that being bitten is one of my favourite kinks...almost to the point of calling it a major fetish, as in, it is just not the same without it...that no matter what else happens, that if I dont get bitten I dont enjoy the whole scene as much.

That session, He bit me hard....to the point "I nearly tasted chicken" He told me....and yet. NO PAIN.
None, Nada, Zip, Zilch.
Other times I have been bitten, some it has hurt, once made me squeal, others not so much, but never has it NOT hurt like that day.
That day I also felt like He didnt spank me as hard as He normally does....or was it me?? Not feeling any pain rather than Him not spanking as hard??
The two single things I have come up with about that session is

a.) HE placed my play collar around my neck himself

and

b.) That was one of the only sessions where I wasnt blindfolded at some point.

I wouldnt have thought either reason would make that much of a difference to my pain levels...but what would I know.

Since I have a fair idea this week will be a little harder than I have had before...I have a little more time to get in the head space...not over think, just relax about it.

But not having seen each other for that long still makes me nervous.

I cant shake the feeling something has changed. Granted, I learnt a lot while He was away, but the feeling is still there...and I am not sure I can put my finger on why I feel like I do.

The inner slut has yet to re-appear, and I cant get the inner bitch to get back in her box.

I guess I will have to wait and see now... I am looking forward to seeing Him, but at the same time..it makes me a little nervous.

He is home...

He is finally home.

I found a message on my phone yesterday morning, letting me know He was home safe and well, that He had missed me and was looking forward to catching up with me.

I think I listened to that message about 35 times.

As I expected, after a month away from work, He is inundated, staff wanting His time and attention, there was probably a million messages waiting and I know for the foreseeable future that there will probably be back to back meetings as well.

But its like I could take a deep breath for the first time in a month.

We chatted a little online yesterday in between Him having phone calls and all sorts in the office.

I am proud of myself a little, I held onto my submission, only just at times, but I did. I didnt really throw too many temper tantrums...( I think)
Anyone who has followed my blog at all will know I can be a little kinda feisty at times.

I am not gonna try and pretend that its all just slipped in back the same as it was when He left, to a certain extent there was a few steps backwards as far as I can tell, but I have no doubt it wont be too long and I will be back up to speed.

Besides the everyday contact we had before He left, which I missed horribly while He was gone, I also missed the control.  I have pretty much done as I wanted, when I wanted and how I wanted for the last month, so getting back to having that control again may take a little more effort than I had anticipated.

I complained that I wished I had been able to find a switch to turn it off when He left and wanted a switch to turn it back on when He arrived home, I am now thinking I DID manage to find that switch and it got turned off at some point over the last month, the problem is now...its not me that gets to turn it back on. Its His switch, it will be up to Him whether it gets turned back on.

Maybe I just feel weird because the inner slut didnt just reappear as I thought she may have when I knew He was home.

Give me a week or so to settle back into things and I am sure I will feel normal again.

Who ever said these journeys were like rollercoasters was right. They are.

Sometimes beyond wonderful.

Sometimes beyond bad.

Sometimes just plonked in the middle.

Sometimes feeling like the rollercoaster landed on Mars.

But its not a ride I want to get off just yet.

untitled writing 2

She lays back on the bed.


Hands and feet bound to the posts.


Blindfolded.


Her body shaking with awareness of Him watching her.


He has played with her already tonight, spanked her, flogged her, made her play with her pussy while He watched.


He tells her to lift her hips, she feels something slide underneath her.


She is allowed to relax again, and feels a towel under her.


"Do NOT cum without asking permission" He tells her.


She hears the hitachi get turned on, her body tensing as she knows it will soon touch her.


He places the hitachi on her clit, the rounded head of the g-spot attachment just touching lightly, but it is enough to make her whole body jerk upwards, trying to get away from it.


He doesnt relent, moving with her, knowing she cant get too far away, her bindings stopping her from moving too far.


Her clit is beyond sensitive now, she feels an orgasm building inside her.


He moves the hitachi in small circles, first one way, then the other.


Its not long and she is on the edge. Moaning, groaning, wanting to cum so badly. Knowing He is watching every reaction.


She begs Him to let her cum.


"When I say you can, then let go and cum, but not before"


She feels his fingers inside her. First one, then two. Fingering her roughly.


His fingers inside her, combined with the stimulation on her clit is almost too much to bear.


Her hips arch up....her legs are shaking, and she is sobbing now..unable to control the words coming from her mouth...still begging Him.


The third finger soon joins the two already buried deep in her cunt.


"Are you my slut?" He asks her.


"Yes Master, I am your slut, please can I cum now?"


He moves the hitachi slightly, and she yelps as she is getting to the point she can no longer stop her orgasm.


Her pussy clenches around His fingers and He growls at her to cum.


"cum NOW my slut, show your Master"


Her body convulses around His fingers, wetness squirting out of her, soaking the towel beneath her.
She can no longer hear herself begging Him, but she knows there are words coming from her mouth.


The pressure of the hitachi on her clit eases slightly, letting her come down slowly, her pussy still clenching rhythmically around His fingers, now slick and dripping with the evidence of her pleasure.


"Are you ok my slut?" He asks


"Yes Master" she sobs, tears streaming down her face from the powerful orgasm and the emotions.


"Good, lets try that again"


And the pressure is increased once more on her clit as He builds her back up again.

passion and anger.....

Chatting with a friend tonight I realised 2 things about myself that I have never known...or actually really thought about before..but first, a little explanation so it will make sense how I came to this conclusion about myself.

Explanation....... I was doing a little bit of blunt as a baseball bat Aussie style, 7000 miles away internet consolation with a friend who has had a fight with the one person in the world she adores.
For anyone who knows me....I can be slightly less than tactful at times. Most of the time I can hold a lot of the bluntness in check, other times it spews out like "suck it up princess, you did it, now you fix it"
Tonight I was somewhere in the middle.

According to some anonymous poster a while back... I am lacking in the "grace and class" departments.
Not news to me.
Not even news to anyone who really knows me.
I am me....if you dont like it...dont let the door hit ya where the good lord split ya.

Annnnyway, I was doing the tissue passing across skype and I typed something to her that I hadnt really thought about...the words just appeared on the screen before my brain had time to process what was coming off the fingertips.
 I said..and I quote...

"and like her, I use picking a fight with the person I care about to make them see how important something is to me when I think they arent listening"

I sat there...staring at the screen, looking at those words for a LONG time.

I do that.

I use my anger to show people that I am hurt, that I think they havent listened to something that is important to me.
I use it to see if it will get a reaction.
I want to know they care enough to not let me run away.

yikes...now I am contemplating deleting that last line...even for me thats a bit out there in the admissions department

Fuck it....I havent censored anything on here yet, not about to start now.

The second thing I learnt about myself today was I am a passionate person.

Now....that in itself is not news to me, I am passionate about a lot of things, pretty much all of the time.
I am passionate about my kids and family.
I am passionate about my friends.
I love with all my heart in many different ways.
I dont have someone in my life that I am "in love with" but I do have a great many friends who I love with all my heart, and each and every one of them I love in different ways, for different things.
I can hear you asking how in the tell that any of that surprised me today...... well, I will tell you how.

The fact that I am passionate is one thing, and not a new thing, but its the reverse of this that I had never thought about before.
I am passionate when I love, but I am also passionate when I hate.
Now...just to qualify this...I really dont hate often or a lot...actually very rarely, but I do have a devious streak.
I like my revenge to be silent.
Like fucking Master on the kitchen table a week before my ex husband took it.
I like to be able to look at someone and smile, knowing that if they knew what was in my head, that they would more than likely take exception to whatever it is I know.
I am also passionate about other things, like.....when I get upset, I get UPSET.
But once I have rid myself of whatever is bothering me, whether that be by working it out, or by solving the issue, or sometimes it can even be as simple as getting it off my chest by blogging about it, writing in my VENT journal or kicking the fuck out of the punching bag...I am back to normal, back to the normal mostly happy person I am.

What does all this mean you ask???

Fucked if I know really...I am still working that out for myself, but now at least, I can be aware of them.....maybe that will mean I can control any outbursts that need to come out of me, in a better way than I have in the past...and maybe...JUST maybe, I will learn a way to communicate that I feel like I am not being listened to about the important stuff.