passion and anger.....

Chatting with a friend tonight I realised 2 things about myself that I have never known...or actually really thought about before..but first, a little explanation so it will make sense how I came to this conclusion about myself.

Explanation....... I was doing a little bit of blunt as a baseball bat Aussie style, 7000 miles away internet consolation with a friend who has had a fight with the one person in the world she adores.
For anyone who knows me....I can be slightly less than tactful at times. Most of the time I can hold a lot of the bluntness in check, other times it spews out like "suck it up princess, you did it, now you fix it"
Tonight I was somewhere in the middle.

According to some anonymous poster a while back... I am lacking in the "grace and class" departments.
Not news to me.
Not even news to anyone who really knows me.
I am me....if you dont like it...dont let the door hit ya where the good lord split ya.

Annnnyway, I was doing the tissue passing across skype and I typed something to her that I hadnt really thought about...the words just appeared on the screen before my brain had time to process what was coming off the fingertips.
 I said..and I quote...

"and like her, I use picking a fight with the person I care about to make them see how important something is to me when I think they arent listening"

I sat there...staring at the screen, looking at those words for a LONG time.

I do that.

I use my anger to show people that I am hurt, that I think they havent listened to something that is important to me.
I use it to see if it will get a reaction.
I want to know they care enough to not let me run away.

yikes...now I am contemplating deleting that last line...even for me thats a bit out there in the admissions department

Fuck it....I havent censored anything on here yet, not about to start now.

The second thing I learnt about myself today was I am a passionate person.

Now....that in itself is not news to me, I am passionate about a lot of things, pretty much all of the time.
I am passionate about my kids and family.
I am passionate about my friends.
I love with all my heart in many different ways.
I dont have someone in my life that I am "in love with" but I do have a great many friends who I love with all my heart, and each and every one of them I love in different ways, for different things.
I can hear you asking how in the tell that any of that surprised me today...... well, I will tell you how.

The fact that I am passionate is one thing, and not a new thing, but its the reverse of this that I had never thought about before.
I am passionate when I love, but I am also passionate when I hate.
Now...just to qualify this...I really dont hate often or a lot...actually very rarely, but I do have a devious streak.
I like my revenge to be silent.
Like fucking Master on the kitchen table a week before my ex husband took it.
I like to be able to look at someone and smile, knowing that if they knew what was in my head, that they would more than likely take exception to whatever it is I know.
I am also passionate about other things, like.....when I get upset, I get UPSET.
But once I have rid myself of whatever is bothering me, whether that be by working it out, or by solving the issue, or sometimes it can even be as simple as getting it off my chest by blogging about it, writing in my VENT journal or kicking the fuck out of the punching bag...I am back to normal, back to the normal mostly happy person I am.

What does all this mean you ask???

Fucked if I know really...I am still working that out for myself, but now at least, I can be aware of them.....maybe that will mean I can control any outbursts that need to come out of me, in a better way than I have in the past...and maybe...JUST maybe, I will learn a way to communicate that I feel like I am not being listened to about the important stuff.