Give me one good reason.....

Give me one good reason why I shouldnt go down the pub, get blind drunk and fuck the living daylights out of the first guy who takes my fancy.

Give me one good reason why I shouldnt get online and go find another Dom who I can see a little more often.

Give me one good reason why I am in sitting here crying over getting a stupid goddamn email.

Give me one good reason why I put all this effort into a D/s relationship in the first place.

Give me one good reason why I should even want the inner slut to come back

Give me one good reason why I cant tell Him what I need and have Him listen

Give me one good reason why I feel like I am the only one putting in any effort.

I see now why subs do things knowing full well they will displease their Master and get punished.

I could be the child who deliberately does what she is asked not to, just to get a little attention from her parent.

It is taking EVERYTHING I have in me not to do the one thing He asked me not to.

I am feeling spiteful and bitchy.

I want to feel like I am worth something...worth a little effort...worth a little time...worth a little inconvenience.

Give me one good reason why I do this.........

the fucker...

I had a very interesting conversation tonight with another Dom, who for the sake of protecting his identity, and in the interests of fun...shall be further known as "the fucker" or even "Sir fucker"

Now...dont get me wrong here....he is not a troll, he is someone I am beginning to consider a friend.

We have a laugh, and he came across that nickname in a conversation which ended with me having to go find the hitachi. He was in no way telling me things in the hope I would submit to him, but more that he knew I could handle any teasing he threw my way. Let me add here, he is not the only Dom I know who teases the fuck out of me. 5....4....3....2....1 (sorry, private joke there)

Fucker is one of the 3 I mentioned in an earlier post who I trust to give me a little "fix", that by just chatting to him eases the ache I feel with Master being gone. Not completely, but a little. Enough to keep me only partially insane.

Fucker and I were having a chat tonight....I was yet again complaining about losing the inner slut. I mentioned to him that I was scared that she wouldnt come back with Master comes home. And I am scared....what do I do if she doesnt come back???? She is the one he gets...without her...I am less than submissive. In fact, I am more like your average cheeky bitch woman. SHE is the one who very rarely says no to anything He wishes her to do...in fact, she never says No...she does balk at some things, but she never says no.

The thought that one day Master and I will be no more, and that means I have no need of her, scares me too. I like her, but she is HIS. No one elses, no one has ever seen her except Him, and the chances are...no one ever will. If I am not HIS, she doesnt exist.
Fucker said something to me that created 2 reactions. First...it made me cry, and Second it made me see something that had been right in front of me all along. That without Master, I dont need her.
I was wrongly assuming I needed her while He is away...but without Him...why would she be here??
I have no need of her...there is no one here to show her to, to do things for.

I mentioned the fact I was scared she wouldnt come back...EVER and fucker said

"right because there is nothing there... an emptiness
 where she was and where she felt and lived and truly revelled"

The bloody fucker was right you know...I do feel empty. That inner slut has been in residence for 6 months now...and she is gone. I miss her. I miss the fulfilment  I got while she is around.

She lived inside me like a small child...you know, the one who dances and spins in circles to the music when she thinks no one is watching her...makes her dress spin out around her, always smiling, always happy. She made me feel different....stronger, more capable.

I am still me, still strong, still capable, but I miss her all the same.

awwwww, who am I trying to kid...its Him I miss. I miss the chats, I miss the tasks, I miss his voice.
I need my "fix"

Slut....

I think I have an inner slut....and an outer one.

The outer slut has been around forever..its her fault I lost my virginity in a one night stand at age 16.
Its her fault the majority of my sexual partners have been one night stands.
Its HER that goes out in short skirts and 5 inch heels sometimes.
Its her that flirts
She is bossy...sometimes to the point of being a Domme.
She favors whips and handcuffs when teasing men.
She knows what she wants...and gets it

the inner slut....well, now She is a totally different story.

I didnt know she existed until I met Master.
She does pretty much anything He asks of her.
She is totally submissive to HIM
Its her that got nipples pierced
Its her that bought the butt plugs and the hitachi.
Its her that plays with Master.
Nobody except Him has ever seen her.

Its starting to make me wonder if I dont have mental issues.

Master has changed my tasks while He is away.
I am to email Him with my sluttiest thought of the day after touching my clit and playing with my cunt.

I have an issue.

I cant find the inner slut.

She has pissed off on me...disappeared...possibly even stowed away in His luggage.

The outer slut cant complete the tasks...to her, the sluttiest thought would be teasing some poor guy down the pub....possibly taking him home and fucking his brains out. Not exactly submissive huh?

It is the inner slut I need to do this task...its her that does things to please Him.

If you see her wandering the streets...looking lost. Please smack her on the arse and send her home...I desperately need her where she belongs.

Breathe.....

MF and I have spoken most days since Master has been gone, but neither of us has had any real time to give for some "time" wink wink

I am also hesitant to sometimes tell him how down I am feeling, because he has enough things going on in his life without me adding to them.

I KNOW I will now get yelled at for NOT telling him, but its not MF I should be talking to about these things....its Master, and I cant do that at the moment, so I have been keeping them inside.

If you read my last post, you now know what happens when I keep all the shit bottled up...eventually the damn bottle explodes and out comes the crap.

I got home this morning and found MF typing me a message as I sat at  the computer.

"dont skirt the rougher areas of town looking for your drug of choice *hugs*,  I need to give you my schedule so we can put aside some time to talk.  They have me working different hours now ( I think) its all sorts of screwed up.  But I have the patience if you do"

MF then proceeded to give me the link to the song below and tell me to BREATHE.

Mind you...I also got told to "maintain a positive outlook"

" I wont have my sexy plaything in a foul state of mind"

Sounds a little commanding doesnt he?? But I know its just to snap me out of the mood I am in. The best thing about "playing" with MF is I get to explore a side of me I didnt know existed.

And since he is telling me RIGHT NOW, all the things he wishes he could do to me....I have kinda lost the train of thought I had going.

I know one thing....everytime I struggle now, I will listen to that song, and BREATHE.

and of course....SMILE as I know Master would tell me.

What ever would I do without these two wonderful men in my life???

I hope I dont have to find out any time soon.

Breathe - Anna Nalick

2 AM and she calls me 'cause I'm still awake,

"Can you help me unravel my latest mistake?,

I don't love him. Winter just wasn't my season"

Yeah we walk through the doors, so accusing their eyes

Like they have any right at all to criticize,

Hypocrites. You're all here for the very same reason

'Cause you can't jump the track, we're like cars on a cable

And life's like an hourglass, glued to the table

No one can find the rewind button, girl.

So cradle your head in your hands

And breathe... just breathe,

Oh breathe, just breathe

May he turned 21 on the base at Fort Bliss

"Just a day" he said down to the flask in his fist,

"Ain't been sober, since maybe October of last year."

Here in town you can tell he's been down for a while,

But, my God, it's so beautiful when the boy smiles,

Wanna hold him. Maybe I'll just sing about it.

Cause you can't jump the track, we're like cars on a cable,

And life's like an hourglass, glued to the table.

No one can find the rewind button, boys,

So cradle your head in your hands,

And breathe... just breathe,

Oh breathe, just breathe

There's a light at each end of this tunnel,

You shout 'cause you're just as far in as you'll ever be out

And these mistakes you've made, you'll just make them again

If you'd only try turning around.

2 AM and I'm still awake, writing a song

If I get it all down on paper, it's no longer inside of me,

Threatening the life it belongs to

And I feel like I'm naked in front of the crowd

Cause these words are my diary, screaming out loud

And I know that you'll use them, however you want to

But you can't jump the track, we're like cars on a cable,

And life's like an hourglass, glued to the table

No one can find the rewind button now

Sing it if you understand.

and breathe, just breathe

woah breathe, just breathe,

Oh breathe, just breathe,

Oh breathe, just breathe. 

beware....rant ahead

if you are easily offended, scared of bad language, dont want to hear another rant, or just plain dont care...nows the time to shut the window down and run like hell.

I am about to throw the biggest, foot stomping, fist hitting, childish tantrum known to man.

I am over this.

OVVVVVVVER IT!!!

NO, I dont want to end this whole fucked up journey I am on....to my complete and utter disgust today I have worked out I am an addict.
I have said before I am addicted to Him, but I see now, thats not quite the complete truth.

I am addicted to D/s

He is just my dealer of choice.

Like I needed another addiction in my life....I thought caffeine, chocolate and tobacco was bad enough.

THIS IS WORSE

My dealer of choice is uncontactable. Out of reach to supply me of my drug of choice.

I find myself skirting the edges of the rough part of town so to speak....trying to resist the lure of the other dealers who can offer me what I crave so bad.

The other dealers don't necessarily out and out offer the drug....they just look at me, knowing I am an addict, I swear it must be tattooed on my forehead.

In the attempt to hold on until I can get my cravings fulfilled from my dealer of choice, I find myself drawn to other dealers I know have addicts of their own....safe dealers...of which I know 3.
They understand my cravings and in the same way, they also understand that I have to wait for my own dealer...they have no interest in supplying me with what I crave, but the very presence of them, eases the craving slightly.

The tantrum part of this post is about to hit...so if you didnt leave before...now might be the time to run like fuck.

I have had 3 emails in nearly 2 weeks.

The latest was 3 lines long.

I smiled when I saw it was there, then got fucking mad when I saw the contents, now I am just sad.
Sad that I dont feel more grateful. I was expecting NO contact, I should shut the fuck up and stop whinging because I got more than I expected.
Sad because He cant find 5 minutes to let me know how HE is going.
Sad just because I have no words to describe what the fuck it is exactly that I wish.

I have seriously contemplated sending an email which would upset Him, but I wouldnt ruin anyones holiday, let alone someone I cared for.

I will just shut my dumbarse mouth and wait til He gets back.
I know the thoughts in my head are not really what I want...its just that this is a LOT harder than I thought.

I have the wonderful ability to over think everything..and thats what I have done this week....THINK TOO GODDAMN MUCH.
I have nothing but time to think....IT SUCKS.

I wish I had a fucking switch I could have turned off the minute He got on that plane...and I could just switch back on the day He comes home. NO SUCH FUCKING LUCK

He controls me...

the want overwhelms me
the need is inside me
He controls me
He owns me

the darkness threatens me
the light beckons me
He controls me
He owns me

I crave His touch
I am addicted to His voice
He controls me
He owns me

the spank on my arse
the heat it leaves
He controls me
He owns me

His hand in my hair
forcing my head
He controls me
He owns me

His cock in my throat
making me gag
He controls me
He owns me

bound in chains
the flogging begins
He controls me
He owns me

the bite on my back
I wish it would mark
He controls me
He owns me

me on my knees
His collar around my neck
He controls me
He owns me

He is MY Master
I am His kitty
He controls me
He owns me



...for MY Mr Decadent

I am something less than I was.....

As I sit here and watch the water creep slowly across the floor, I think of all the things you are to me, and all the things I see in you.

I see a wonderful imagination, the weaver of fantastic stories that take me to places I cannot imagine, that make me wish for things I cannot have.
Stories that make me wriggle on the chair, make my pussy drip in readiness, make my heart pound harder and my breath come faster.

I see a determined man, one who knows the things he has to do, to be who he wants to be.

I see the compassion inside you, the finder of ants in carparks, kittens in all sorts of places, and bats in the attic, a man who treasures life and all that lives in it.

I see a respectful man, one who has trouble saying no to the ones he cares about, who sometimes cares too much, but I cannot imagine you any other way.

I see a successful man, you may not see your past as successful, but I can't see behind you. I can only see the things you do today, the things you go without to achieve those things you want to achieve.

You see doubt, I see hesitation and caution. You think no one will want to read your stories, and I can't wait until the next one is written.

You tell me to get you off the pedestal.

I dont have you on one.

I have no doubt you have your faults, everyone does. No one is perfect, not me, not you, and not anyone I know.

But I will tell you what I do see......

I see a sexy man

I see a fantastic mind

I see someone I wished lived closer

I see someone I want to hug

I see a man I want in my bed

I see you

I see the you that you are now

I wish I could stand beside you as you look in a mirror, and I wish you could see YOU through my eyes.

I thank you for making me think differently

I thank you for seeing me in a different light than others do

I thank you for teaching me to feel sexy even in "just old jeans"

I thank you for encouraging me to write

I thank you for teaching me to fantasise

I thank you for letting me spread my wings



But most of all, I thank you for being a wonderful friend to me.

its odd...

I was at a family function today and someone asked me the date....I responded the 12th without thinking anything of it.

A little after that, with all the kids outside, and me sitting in a chair in the corner quietly, it came to me that today is exactly 6 months to the day since I became His.

6 months ago today I called Him Master for the first time.

ok...so I can hear you all thinking "no big deal" and I guess to some its not a big deal.

Might have been something that slipped by me on any other normal day, but today I am not well, and I was missing Him, thinking about MF, just generally feeling sorry for myself sitting in that corner.

6 months is a big deal to me....I feel like the last 6 months I have learnt a FUCKING SHITLOAD, which in case you didnt know is a standardised unit of measurement here in Australia. Master and I have had some weird and wonderful conversations, I have spazzed out on Him more than once, I have learnt to appreciate pain for the wonderful thing it is, I have pierced bits I didnt have 6 months ago, Master has taught me a lot, and for that I will be eternally grateful.

The last month has been the most learning I have done, besides the first one........... nothing will ever be the same as the feeling of that first session, holding on for dear life to the edge of that kitchen table so when He spanked me, I didn't turn around and whack Him back. Feeling Him bite me for the first time, being blindfolded, being bound, having to kneel on the floor before MY Master for the very first time. But for as much as I have learnt in that month, I have learnt just as much in this last month.

Playing with MF has shown me a helluva lot about myself, about what I want, how to cope, when to deal with things.....so much, and MF probably doesnt even know he has done all these things for me, its just the way he is.

Even though my relationship with both of these men is so very different to the other, they are a lot alike in some ways. I am a very lucky girl to have both of these wonderful men in my life, MY Master to give me the D/s I crave so much, and MF who gives me kink and friendship all rolled into one.

and ok...so maybe this post rambled on a bit...but I am going to blame it on the pain killers....I know I have said I like pain...but I prefer the kind thats inflicted upon me with care, not the feeling of wanting to crawl up in a corner and die.

Thank you Master...for a wonderful 6 months :)

while He is gone....

I have my tasks to do while Master is away.

There are not a lot, and they don't take up too much time, but in their own way, I am finding them very frustrating.

I have to send Him an email FIRST thing in the morning, consisting of a SINGLE word, mind you....all before the first coffee....arghhhhhh

Then, a TWO word email after the first coffee......I am guessing He knows I don't wake up real well in the mornings.

30 Minutes with the butt plug in before bed every night.

and finally...a THREE word email directly before bed.

Just to explain why I am finding this so damn hard......we talked for hours most days, about anything and everything, if I was grumpy, somehow something He said would make me smile. Now I get a grand fucking total of SIX words per day to tell Him how I am feeling, when all I really want to do is write a big long email, telling Him all the things that are happening, how I am feeling, and most of all....

HOW MUCH I MISS HIM

another beginning.....

another beginning..............

the beginning of the true test of my submission.

no contact for a month.

no daily reminders of who I belong to.

only my thoughts to keep me company.

for someone who has been pretty much constantly horny for the last 6 months..its as if He took it with Him.

You may have to excuse me if the blogs are not as frequent as they are normally.

Not much to blog about really...but if I get the urge...you will be the first to know.

last day....

Today is my last day of contact with Master.

Yes, I know I have been harping on this subject, but too bad if you dont like it...I need to.

I have to work today, not a normal thing for me to be at work on this shift.

Then kids will be home, then I have to go out.

A little powerful Masterful voice in my head is telling me to Think to the positive.

Arghhhh is there any today???

Well, yeah I guess there is.

Master wont have me annoying Him all day, and therefore should have relative peace to get all the things done He needs to before leaving.

Me??? I will be at work, counting down the minutes til I can get home and get that last little bit of contact in before He goes.

Have I mentioned before I hate LDR's????

What I wouldnt give for an hour in a cafe having coffee and talking before He goes.

OK, I found a positive....

NOT having coffee with Master means I will stay at home, and make my own, which in turn means I will actually put sugar in it, and may enjoy the actual coffee part of it a lot more.

But honestly...nothing would beat sitting opposite Him, talking, and watching the smile on His face when He says something He knows damn well would invoke an ENTIRELY different reaction had He been anyone but MY Mr Decadent.

countdown....

I am on the countdown before Master leaves the country.

I have about 48 hours left, and most of that He will be busy getting things ready to be away from work and packing all those last minute things.

I have my list of rules and tasks.

I have my friend who shall be hereby known as MF, and NO thats not short for Mother Fucker...although I think I did call him a fucker the other night in the errrrrmmmm heat of the moment.

He is MY FRIEND and I couldnt think of anything more suitable than that.

But as wonderful as MF is....nothing is going to replace Master while he is uncontactable.

Its the daily D/s I am going to miss the most.

It worries me that I may slip in my submission and Master may come home to a cheeky sub who has to pull her head back in.

The coming weeks are going to be the true test of my submission. It is going to take everything inside me to hold onto it.

I will miss you MY Master.

cupcake saga.....

Just-Kinky turned 2 this weekend.

To celebrate, there is BIG birthday celebrations, including a photo competition.

I asked Master at dinner on Tuesday night if I could have permission to post a picture in the comp.

This resulted in...." Yes you may, BUT, you have to pose like this........and another one of you posed like this......."

Inside my head I went "How the fuck do you think I can take that without help??"

What came out of my mouth was "Yes Master"
sighs

So I baked the Chocolate Velvet Cupcake, with chocolate butter cream icing, and this morning I attempted to take a pic.

I was on skype voice chat with a wonderful friend, who sat there and listened to me swear and curse when i couldnt get the cupcake balanced on the small of my back, while naked on the couch on my hands and knees.

Then I got it there, candles lit, and moved to press the button on the camera and ended up toppling the cupcake, and getting a burn and candle wax on me, and icing on the couch.

Enter VERY bad language from my mouth.

My friend offered to take the pic for me using screenshot on skype...while I am banned from camming naked with anyone, I knew Master would rather have me cam with a woman and not get hurt, so off we went.

2 pics later, and my back is still stinging.

But the pics are done, and up in the gallery, and I had fun, hmmmm, the candle wax is still stinging my back, and I am wishing Master would ring and tell me He will be here in an hour to help me with this small issue I now have..............

a playmate for kitty....

Early last week, or late the week before, Master gave me a permission to play online.

I met someone very special on the Just-Kinky  site, someone I wanted to get to know a little better, but I knew that I would need to ask permission, something I was nervous about doing because it meant explaining why I wanted to do this.

I had never met anyone I wanted to ask permission to play with before...this guy was different.
And he frustrated me and made me smile all at the same time. He wouldnt flirt with me, He was ULTRA polite and kept reminding me I was owned. Like I could forget, but I am a flirt at heart, Master knows this, and I havent been asked not to, I feel like that would be like asking me to stop breathing for an hour or so.

He asked permission to Personal Message me in chat, and asked what it was I wanted from him. I am not sure what I said, but I know he was fun, he made me smile and turned me on all at the same time.
By the time we had finished chatting, I had added him to yahoo, and we had discussed the fact that no more flirting til I had asked permission and he told me he wanted to speak to Master himself.

I worked up the courage over night and asked Master the next morning, told Him who, where, why and all the gory details.
I am sure Master had a laugh at me complaining that this guy wouldnt even flirt with me, while I was ecstatic that someone understood HE came first and being kinky and not a newb in the BDSM scene, finding someone who RESPECTED that, I was like oh WOW.

Master chatted with him, I wasnt privvy to the convo, but we got permission to play.
We have rules, I cant get naked on cam, things like that but I expected that, and if I am totally honest, I expected WAY more rules than I got.

Master and I are LDR (insert less than impressed look on my face at the distance) so there leaves a lot of time we have no contact. Its these times I find myself in JK chat, flirting my arse off. Having some fun, I have made wonderful new kinky friends all over the world.
But this one is special, he understands me, my life, my situation.

I am very proud I can call him my friend.

and since I hate calling a friend "him" I shall have to find out what it is I can call him.

100 posts...

100 posts later and I am still wondering why the fuck I do this.

There are just some days its too damn hard.

Other days I cannot imagine living any other way.

He is going to be out of touch for a while, did I mention I HATE LDR's??

A month of me, on my own.

Holy Fuck this could be trouble.

No one to ask all the questions of things I dont understand, No one to keep me in line except me, which I have trouble doing on the best of days.

Like I said....

HOLY FUCK, THIS COULD BE TROUBLE

SOMEONE KEEP ME IN LINE