the fucker...

I had a very interesting conversation tonight with another Dom, who for the sake of protecting his identity, and in the interests of fun...shall be further known as "the fucker" or even "Sir fucker"

Now...dont get me wrong here....he is not a troll, he is someone I am beginning to consider a friend.

We have a laugh, and he came across that nickname in a conversation which ended with me having to go find the hitachi. He was in no way telling me things in the hope I would submit to him, but more that he knew I could handle any teasing he threw my way. Let me add here, he is not the only Dom I know who teases the fuck out of me. 5....4....3....2....1 (sorry, private joke there)

Fucker is one of the 3 I mentioned in an earlier post who I trust to give me a little "fix", that by just chatting to him eases the ache I feel with Master being gone. Not completely, but a little. Enough to keep me only partially insane.

Fucker and I were having a chat tonight....I was yet again complaining about losing the inner slut. I mentioned to him that I was scared that she wouldnt come back with Master comes home. And I am scared....what do I do if she doesnt come back???? She is the one he gets...without her...I am less than submissive. In fact, I am more like your average cheeky bitch woman. SHE is the one who very rarely says no to anything He wishes her to do...in fact, she never says No...she does balk at some things, but she never says no.

The thought that one day Master and I will be no more, and that means I have no need of her, scares me too. I like her, but she is HIS. No one elses, no one has ever seen her except Him, and the chances are...no one ever will. If I am not HIS, she doesnt exist.
Fucker said something to me that created 2 reactions. First...it made me cry, and Second it made me see something that had been right in front of me all along. That without Master, I dont need her.
I was wrongly assuming I needed her while He is away...but without Him...why would she be here??
I have no need of her...there is no one here to show her to, to do things for.

I mentioned the fact I was scared she wouldnt come back...EVER and fucker said

"right because there is nothing there... an emptiness
 where she was and where she felt and lived and truly revelled"

The bloody fucker was right you know...I do feel empty. That inner slut has been in residence for 6 months now...and she is gone. I miss her. I miss the fulfilment  I got while she is around.

She lived inside me like a small child...you know, the one who dances and spins in circles to the music when she thinks no one is watching her...makes her dress spin out around her, always smiling, always happy. She made me feel different....stronger, more capable.

I am still me, still strong, still capable, but I miss her all the same.

awwwww, who am I trying to kid...its Him I miss. I miss the chats, I miss the tasks, I miss his voice.
I need my "fix"