I am about to throw the biggest, foot stomping, fist hitting, childish tantrum known to man.
I am over this.
OVVVVVVVER IT!!!
NO, I dont want to end this whole fucked up journey I am on....to my complete and utter disgust today I have worked out I am an addict.
I have said before I am addicted to Him, but I see now, thats not quite the complete truth.
I am addicted to D/s
He is just my dealer of choice.
Like I needed another addiction in my life....I thought caffeine, chocolate and tobacco was bad enough.
THIS IS WORSE
My dealer of choice is uncontactable. Out of reach to supply me of my drug of choice.
I find myself skirting the edges of the rough part of town so to speak....trying to resist the lure of the other dealers who can offer me what I crave so bad.
The other dealers don't necessarily out and out offer the drug....they just look at me, knowing I am an addict, I swear it must be tattooed on my forehead.
In the attempt to hold on until I can get my cravings fulfilled from my dealer of choice, I find myself drawn to other dealers I know have addicts of their own....safe dealers...of which I know 3.
They understand my cravings and in the same way, they also understand that I have to wait for my own dealer...they have no interest in supplying me with what I crave, but the very presence of them, eases the craving slightly.
The tantrum part of this post is about to hit...so if you didnt leave before...now might be the time to run like fuck.
I have had 3 emails in nearly 2 weeks.
The latest was 3 lines long.
I smiled when I saw it was there, then got fucking mad when I saw the contents, now I am just sad.
Sad that I dont feel more grateful. I was expecting NO contact, I should shut the fuck up and stop whinging because I got more than I expected.
Sad because He cant find 5 minutes to let me know how HE is going.
Sad just because I have no words to describe what the fuck it is exactly that I wish.
I have seriously contemplated sending an email which would upset Him, but I wouldnt ruin anyones holiday, let alone someone I cared for.
I will just shut my dumbarse mouth and wait til He gets back.
I know the thoughts in my head are not really what I want...its just that this is a LOT harder than I thought.
I have the wonderful ability to over think everything..and thats what I have done this week....THINK TOO GODDAMN MUCH.
I have nothing but time to think....IT SUCKS.
I wish I had a fucking switch I could have turned off the minute He got on that plane...and I could just switch back on the day He comes home. NO SUCH FUCKING LUCK
Breathe kitty, you sound like my cat right before she coughs up a hairball, lol.
ReplyDeleteThe over thinking thing is totally a womans curse, we can take even the smallest word and turn it into paragraph with feelings. Positive we know exactly what he's thinking and how he's percieving things, but usually we are way off. This comes from year of experience with girlfriends and their rants (not me I'm perfect - no laughing).
Things will be back to normal and you will forget all about this but until then many HUGS your way.
Hold on, hun. It's hard and it'll get harder, but at least you know when He's coming back. Keep active, busy; make Him proud of what you've achieved while He was gone. Give Him a reason to call you a good girl; use the time to advance yourself, explore new (safe!) things, and learn.
ReplyDeleteTime can be an enemy, or it can be a valuable tool. :D