I jumped...

I was standing on the edge the other day...this time I am falling.

I jumped, I was not pushed, I did it voluntarily.

Back story......

I decided I was kinky, explored online a little, met a man who became my Master, we travelled our journey, all the good and the bad and the ugly.

I ended our journey by asking to be released...that ultimate falling experience scared the life out of me, I was so scared of giving that last little piece of me over, that I backed away...only to find out I had already given the last bit over and asking to be released didnt make one shred of difference.

We have had a very bumpy journey since, a trip away together, which I though was the start of something new and fresh, where I fell so far into sub-space that I truly was HIS in that moment...only to come home to find things had changed and although it was not intended that way...our trip was the end of our journey together in that kind of relationship.

I have struggled since....not knowing where we were headed, never getting a straight, blunt and honest answer.

I pushed for those answers this week...which ended in me saying I needed some time away from him.

I had to try and control those jealous feelings, the knowing I loved but was not loved in return feelings, the everything.

I said goodbye.

He said goodbye for now.

Today...I struggled with tear blurred vision to check my emails.
I could see he was online, but couldnt remove him from my vanilla email account...I blocked and deleted only to find I could still see him there.

I asked him to remove that account of mine.

Yes, I was wrong in not saying hello, not using my manners, but I was literally sobbing, all I wanted to do was wish my niece a Happy Birthday and couldnt show myself online without him seeing me.
So I asked to be removed.

He cracked it, got angry with me...told me he would remove every account of mine from his chat and said goodbye wished me a Merry Christmas and that was it.
I asked him to please stop, explained why I had asked, told him I did not want to be removed from his life, just that one account.

He deleted me and went offline.

Now I sit here, sobbing again...wondering how a simple request went so wrong, wondering why the fuck this hurts so much, hoping tomorrow will be the day I can wake up and not have him as my first thought.
Hoping tonight I can go to bed and not think of him.

I want so badly to get to a point where we can have a friendship, to enjoy chatting without leaving either of us feeling like shit.

But I have to say...this has ruined my Christmas.

Knowing the one I love has just wiped me from his life.

to Him....

Thank you for our journey.
This has been the most amazing time for me, and no matter what you think, I DO love you, and our relationship has NEVER left me unhappy until now.
Yes, there is always ups and downs, but fighting through things makes everything stronger in the end.
I am sorry I have felt like a noose around your neck.
I am sorry I did things that made you unhappy.
I hope you have a wonderful Christmas with your children, and that the joy on their faces bring you the happiness you so deserve.

THIS close.......

I now know what "standing on the edge" feels like

frustrations....

I am frustrated.

About a lot of things.

Some days I cope just fine, others...they get the better of me, and other than the punching bag, here is the only place I can let it all out.

I am frustrated by my ex's complete and utter inability to communicate with me...even via text.

I am frustrated with people who wont give me answer to the damn questions I ask.

I am frustrated that men have an inability to tell me what they really think... HONESTLY.

Dont beat around the bush...give it to me straight!!!

Add a couple of feelings in there while you're going, I will understand it better then!!!.

Dont just say no...tell me why so I understand!!.


For fucks sake...

PLEASE STOP FRUSTRATING ME MORE

In all seriousness....

OK.

In all seriousness, I need to know something.

Am I disrespecting what Master and I had by continuing to post here, where if always felt like this was "our" place, "our" journey together, "our" troubles and "our" fun???

And does anyone really want to hear the crapola that comes out of my mouth, bearing in mind that I am not in a D/s relationship and have no intentions of entering one with someone new.

Actually, for that matter I cant even get vanilla sex, so I have no idea what it is I would actually blog about.

I want the truth...and lots of it please.

The comments I get will determine whether or not I resume posting here, or I start a new one.

I will blog again...its where that's the issue for me.

Missing things

I am really missing my blog :(

I have contemplated posting again, maybe here, maybe a new one.

All I know is, I have struggled without it.

last one...

After today I won't be posting to this blog any longer.

I may start another one somewhere down the track, but not here, and not under this name.

Thank you to those who have followed my journey, offered advice, hugs when needed, and a kick up the arse occasionally when required.

To those who linked my blog to theirs, thank you for your support, but you may want to delete me...no one wants to read a blog that is never updated.

A special thank you to the wonderful man who was my Master.

My journey would not have been half as wonderful, special and a Merry-Go-Round of all things good and bad without you.
Thank you for everything you have taught me, thank you for all the patience you have shown, and the care I felt/feel.

learning...

I did this quiz test way back at the start, just out of curiousity and boredom.
These were my first results from March, about 3 months into my journey.


You Scored as SubmissiveYou are into or need to be dominated. You get turned on from someone else taking control and controlling you inside or out of the bedroom or dungeon. Switches are a mix of submissive and dominant.

Submissive

81%

Fetishist

59%

Masochistic

50%

Sadistic

25%

Dominant

16%

I have just done the test again, just to see how things have changed, and I knew from the certainty of the answers I gave, I knew it would be different.


You Scored as Submissive

Submissive

100%

Experimental

86%

Masochist

79%

Bondage

71%

Exhibitionist / Voyeur

71%

Degradation Lover

57%

Switch

54%

Sadist

50%

Dominant

7%

Vanilla                                                            0%



yup...different.


Seems I have learnt a lot

wishes and not regrets...

If I hadn't asked to be released, I would have missed out on so many wonderful things over the last few weeks.

I have met some wonderful kinky people, away from this damn computer.

I have been to two events... Yes _sg TWO events!!!

I have made new friends both online, and in real life.

People who now, I can see will discuss bondage and kinky sex with me even when we are too old to actually be able to do it.

I have had a wonderful month or so...kink wise.

And yet??

I wish I could have done all this while I was still collared, still HIS.

I cannot regret asking to be released, that would mean I would have never posted that personal ad, never had comments and messages from people I can now call friends, never had an invite for coffee, which led to an event, which led to more friends, and another event, and probably more to come.

But I wish there had been a way to be able to have my cake and eat it too.

Fucking MEN!!

I feel like throwing a tantrum...but I won't.

In all the things I have done over the past year or so, in all the people I have chatted to in that time, there seems to be something that consistently shits me no end.

Men.

Men shit me.

Men annoy me.

Men make me angry.....sometimes.

Why is it, that the more "Domly Dom" they are, the less they seem to share.

What is it with the cryptic shit??

If I didn't want to know...I wouldn't have bloody asked!!!

And if I DID ask...then I damn well want to know...and not just a polite answer, try for something a little in depth occasionally!!

And another thing, while I am on a roll.....

It WON'T kill you to SHARE your feelings...you know, all those things you feel, your wants and desires.

I give mine freely....too much sometimes, but when I get to the point where I feel like I am hesitant to share those feelings because I have NO FUCKING CLUE if any, none, some or even a couple are returned, shared or felt....it makes me want to give up.

Seriously....if I get told (by someone who turns me on)  "I would like to bend you over that table, tie you to each end, and use both ends of you until I am satisfied" 

I get wet... FAST!!!

I do not want showers of everlasting devotion, the "I love you's" or the "be mine forever's"

but the "I want to fuck you silly" or the "you are MINE" thingy that some guys can say with success and not sound like a fuckwit...

 THAT'S WHAT I WANT!!

If only I had asked....

Ever had one of those most absolutely wonderful moments in your life where half of what you did went past you so quick you missed it??

Or that you were enjoying it so much that it was just over way too soon??

And that even though you loved every second of it, that something happened which ended it too soon and you feel the slight sting of disappointment that it ended so abruptly??

I had one of those moments.

I was so far into subspace that I can barely remember anything except feeling like I was floating along, hardly knowing my name, thinking words were coming from my mouth and yet I was getting no reaction, so possibly they were really just thoughts and not actual words.

I remember the blindfold going on.
I remember my hands being bound behind my back...wrist to elbows I think.
I remember being hit with a stick like you get on a childs balloon, the stingy strike making me draw breath.
I remember being asked colors....what was the safeword? what color was I up to?
I remember His cock in my mouth, and me feeling like a newborn child nuzzling at it, trying to get it into my mouth without hands to assist.
I remember wanting His cock in my arse.
I remember feeling like I was about to come.
I remember a sharp pain, and me grabbing His wrist unconsciously, stopping myself from saying the safeword, just holding it still until I could get a deep breath or two and then letting go. I didn't need the safeword, I just needed a breath.

I remember it then ended all too soon.
I remember feeling like I wanted to cry, that it was my fault it stopped so soon.
I remember being in the bathroom with a glass of Coke and a glass filled with M & M's.
I remember the look on His face at the thought that He had hurt me.
I wont ever forget any of it.
The scene itself may fade over time, other memories of sessions yet to come to take their place, but I will never forget the feeling of knowing I was - at that exact moment in time...someone important, someone cared for in a way that I have never felt before....anywhere, and with someone who is just as important to me as I am to them.

I remember the next morning, just wanting to get on my knees and start the day off properly.
I will never forget wishing I had asked if I could...instead of sitting there wishing He would tell me to.

missing things...

The idea of not blogging about certain things is not that I think I should censor what I write, or that there are things that just shouldn't be blogged about, it was more that now that I have attended a kink event, and people I met there I have added to fetlife, and those same people read my blog.

Now that in itself is not an issue for me, I love that people read my blog, the issue is if I met someone, and mentioned that same person on here, that those people may or may not know who I am talking about.

Starting a new journey with someone different, or making the beginnings of a new friendship can be hard enough as it is, without broadcasting all the bits that are hard, confusing and exciting.

I know I have people I can talk to about those things, both online,  and in person, but sometimes writing down different things can also help me work through the confusion.

So the not blogging about specifics is not for my benefit, its more about protecting the innocent so to speak.

Not everyone wants to know that the whole world is watching, reading about your life, the things you say and do.

In the meantime, I am craving submission and sex.

I miss not feeling like I belong to someone.

And of all the things, that feeling is the hardest, as that is/was the one thing I struggled with in the beginning....knowing I would BELONG to someone, that I would be OWNED.
I am a big girl...I can do all the things I want to do on my own, I can look after myself, I can do what needs to be done, I DO NOT need a man in my life to do those things, and yet I miss being owned, belonging to someone, I miss tasks, I miss hearing what would be done to me. I miss a lot of things.



For those who commented, namely Maui girl and sg, if you guys want to read the private blog, I have no issue with that, I just need email addy's to add you to the list of approved.
I know you two have valuable input, and always help clear things up a little, and the fact that you both have no idea who it is that I am blogging about.....solves that issue xx

confusion...

I have a million things rolling around inside this head of mine....

Thoughts
Feelings
Emotions
Frustrations
Anger

And I have seemingly lost the ability to able to decide what is now appropriate to blog about and what's not.

I don't want to be disrespectful to anyone, to write things here that they may not be aware of, to hurt anyone by mistake.

I think I need to start a private blog, and not because I won't continue to blog here, but to get things sorted out in my head that I can't do without writing them down somewhere.

I will still blog here, when I know what it is I can blog about, and what I can't.

smiling...

Yup...thats me, with no clue.

the start, the middle or the end??

Tonight I am feeling a little lost.

This blog started off as a way for me to record my journey with Master...all the highs and lows of me discovering my kink, becoming a collared submissive, the trials of a Long Distance Relationship and everything in between.

I have felt lost since being released (at my request) but in a totally different way tonight than from yesterday.

My writing in this blog has helped me at times in ways that only someone else who blogs will understand. It allows me to focus on the feelings I have, why I feel the way I do, why I DO the things I do and much more.

But I feel like I have begun a journey of my own, no longer WITH Master, but me....Sassy.

I have things I still want to write about, blog about, confess and admit to, but they no longer directly involve the person I began my journey with, and it feels disrespectful to Him to continue to blog about them here....where this was our home, the place we could leave the distance behind and just be Master and His kitty......and now I am Sassy...on a journey of my own.

I wonder now how a blog might work when I have come out from behind the screen, met people in person, had coffee, dinner, a kink event, I have messages sent to me that I would love to share and blog about, but now people actually know who I am...and more than likely, who I would talk about in my blog. And I feel odd even contemplating that. I would never share private things without asking permission from the other people involved, but it still feels odd.

Now I have more to think about....where do I write now???
A private blog?
A new blog?
Continue the old blog?
Not blog at all?
Only blog about what comes next in my un-finished journey with Master?

I have contemplated a private journal, but I love the comments, the other people who have a suggestion I may not have thought of, and the fact that someday a new submissive may stumble across my blog here and even if they learnt only one small thing through all we have been through, it is worth every typed word.

I just don't know what comes next for me in blogland....

waiting on the couch with friends.......

A wise and wonderful man once told me that I would one day find a new Master.

A beautiful friend told me to stop looking, just make some friends instead.

Someone new in my life told me to "unlock my door, but go back inside and sit on the couch and wait"

I understand all 3.

One day I may find a new Dom...but he will be Sir....not Master.

I went and made a few new kinky friends, attending my first event, and met some wonderful people.

I understand what the someone new is telling me.
I need to stop looking, because the things you seek, you cannot find, it is when you are NOT looking. THAT is when you will find what you seek.



Master has a special place in me, in my heart and in my soul. That cannot be replaced, and nor do I want it to. I do not wish to be without Him, have His support in all I do.
He will always be MY Master,  and even though I am no longer His owned submissive,  I know I will always be His kitty.

We have a connection, a bond, something between us that I hope will never change, even in all the changes of our lives, our situation and what happens around us. The last few weeks have shown me how things can change, but the trust in Him hasn't. I still value His opinion, His words of wisdom and all He does for me.

One day Sir may knock on that door, and ask to come in.

Until then...I have some new and kinky friends, and I know Master will support me no matter what.

Curiosity caned the kitty...

I went!!!

Oh boy, I was so nervous I could have thrown up at ANY point while driving down there.
Thank goodness I had 3 other people in the car, or I am sure I would have stopped, turned around and come home without going.

I wore a little black dress, short, and 5 inch heels.

I almost, at times felt overdressed. The ladies there wore lovely dresses, fantastic boots, and my eye was drawn to a virtual array of wonderful corset tops, which I was instantly jealous of.

I met some wonderful people, all very welcoming and nice..and never did I feel like I was the odd one out, or that my look screamed "newb".

Lots of different play was available to try, I saw rope bondage, gorgeous knots, suspension, a St Andrews cross or two, spankings, men dressed as women, women dressed as men, it was very much an each to their own night and it was wonderful to see it all. I had a blast looking, watching, and taking it all in.

For as much as I had fun, I also walked around a lot thinking of Him. Wondering if He knew I was there, wondering what He would have thought about me going, whether I may have had some rules, temporarily so I didn't do something I shouldn't.

I think I behaved, I did play, ok...shoot me, I was curious... I watched 2 ladies line up and get a caning, only gently, one was a younger girl and it was her first time. The Top was very gentle with her, and at one point I had to bite my lip with her as her face grimaced and eyes widened as the cane landed on her almost bare arse.

I was then gently nudged talked into getting a caning of my own. Yes, I could have said no, but curiosity got the better of me, and that's one of the things He had never done to me.

I bent over, hands braced on the arm of a low line couch, felt my dress be lifted from behind, baring my arse for all to see, I dropped my head, my hair falling forwards hiding the face I was sure was bright red by now.
The "Caner" bent over me, talked to me, told me what he would do, and how, then stepped back and "did his thing" always checking I was ok, smiling when I looked at him over my shoulder calling him a bastard.

Fast foward what was probably about 5-10 minutes and my arse was STINGING.
I put my hand back there and could feel welts, the red hot burning set in, as painful as it is pleasurable.
Standing up, pulling my dress back down, He hugged me, told me I did great, patted my sore butt and stood there with a smile.

Caned Sunday night, and this is the end result on Tuesday.

Since then I have had plenty of time to think about things, whether or not I liked it, whether or not I want to try it again, whether or not I should have done it, and how I feel about the fact that I now have marks, given to me by someone other than Him, had a first experience with someone other than Him.
If I am truthful, and it is in no way meant to be disrespectful to the "caner", I was emotional over it. Having a first experience wasn't as bad as the fact that someone else marked me.
It was odd to have the pain and the marks without any intimacy afterwards, no holding, kissing, touching, definitely not what I have had in the past, and that felt odd, and slightly confusing.

If nothing else happened that night, I gained some wonderful new friends, I got my first caning, and the requisite marks that follow, and I now have to think about what it is comes next.

I give good wordage!!

I received some advice a little while ago from a wonderful friend who told me to STOP LOOKING, and just make the effort to get involved in the local kink scene, or as local as I felt comfy with, make some friends, and just enjoy having a good time.


I pondered that advice for all of about, maybe a day.... two at most.


Then I went to my personal ad I had previously posted and Thanked everyone for their comments, remarked I have not found what I wanted, but knew now what it is that I actually do want....I think!


I do want to stop looking.
I did make the effort to get a little more involved in the local kink scene...sorta, kinda, maybe.
I made my first set of local kinky friends....we had a wonderful 3 hours having coffee, chatting, getting to know each other a little better.


I have also had a new influx in messages.....why I do not know...but I have.


Some I can tell are just chatting, some are friends of the kinky friends, some are strangers wanting a quick wank fest, some are outright bizarre, but in the last 2 weeks, I have had more messages than I have had since I began... all added together.


I have phone numbers, one I am pondering on using, the others I didn't even write down.


I have been called, adorable, sexy, precious, cute, complicated, sassy (now there is a surprise NOT) and a whole host of other names.
I have been told my pics on there range from just ok, to downright fuckable.


The biggest compliment I have had so far???


I was told I "give good wordage"


I am pretty sure that means I give as good as I get ;p


And I am possibly going to my first event tonight...... *bites fingernails*


Now.....what the fuck do I wear?????

Trust.....

Trust...as a dictionary reads...

1. reliance on the integrity, strength, ability, surety etc. of a person or thing ; confidence.
2. confident expectation of something; hope
3. confidence in the certainty of  future payment for property or goods received; credit
4. a person on whom, or thing on one relies
5. the condition of one to whom something has been entrusted.


Trust...to me...

Knowing I feel safe in the fact that things I share with you, will not be used to hurt me.
Knowing the things I do for you will be appreciated.
Knowing that my well being is safe with you, whether it be mind, body or soul.
Knowing that if I need you, that you will be there for me.

In one of the many messages I have had over posting a personal ad, one of them commented that he would like to see me blog about trust, I took that to mean he wanted to know what it meant to me...after all, I have only my opinion, I don't try and speak for others.

I posted that I don't trust easily...those are the reasons why.
If I cannot tick all those boxes with you...I don't trust you..as simple as that.
And it is not that you have done something to deserve a LACK of trust, just that you may not have earnt it.

And yes, occasionally I meet someone who I inherently trust, where I go by my gut instinct, and just hope that  I have placed my trust in the right person.

Sometimes you have to trust in fate, that karma is not going to bend you over and fuck you up the arse, unless you like that, and then it would be hoping karma doesn't make you suck on his toes.

my own fault..

I had a jealous moment tonight.

I didn't like it AT ALL.

Just show me....

"I like being a woman, I like being courted, I like being pursued, I like being wanted & adored - in return I will do anything for that D that has shown I am worth it"

The above statement came from one of my favourite bloggers, The submissivebf found here. 

I often think to myself, and blog that it is almost as if someone reached into my brain and took out the jumbled thoughts and wrote them as I cannot.

While I won't say this is exactly as I was thinking....I read it over and over and it is a realisation of sorts for me.

I am worth it.

I am worth adoration, and desire.

I am worth care and respect.

I like being a woman.

I like that WHOLE statement for the simplicity of it.

Show me, PROVE to me that I am worth it...and everything I have to give you is yours to do with what you please.

Coffee and licking my arse....

Today was a not so pleasant day.

In fact...I would probably offer up a thousand dollars to anyone who can turn back the clock to about 9am.

I was attending a few meetings today with another person.

He and I were going to try and meet for a coffee in between my meetings and His.

It would have been the first time we had met for coffee as 2 people, rather than Master and kitty since the first time we met in person.

We messaged via email, Him in the office and me on my phone, arranging where to meet.
I gave Him the address, and He told me an approximate time that He would be there to collect me.

Time went on....I checked my phone about every 15 seconds, waiting, eventually walking around with it in my hand, waiting for Him to ring and tell me He was out the front waiting.
The person I was with knew that I was being collected, and was gently teasing me that I was like a kid with a crush...waiting on a love letter, passed from a friend to a friend.
Eventually I said I would go wait for Him out the front... Nope..not there.
I stood in the cold waiting.
The person I was with finished up the meeting without me.
She came out after the meeting, surprised to see me still standing there.
We waited in the car together for about 15 minutes.
Me getting impatient as I knew He should have been there by now.
I sent another email...just trying to check to see if He had been held up in the office.
No reply.
I told the other person to just leave me there, He was on His way, worst I would be was a little cold when He got there...WELL worth it as far as I was concerned.
So she headed off to the next meeting... telling me to take my time, and just get there whenever, that she could handle the next one on her own.
I stood there...in the cold AND the rain.
My phone beeped... He was back in the office.
I actually said out loud "What the fuck!?"
Long story short, He had left His phone in the office, and had sat out the front waiting for me. Eventually thinking I wasn't there, He had headed back to the office.
I didn't know that at the time.
All I knew was I was standing in the cold and the rain, waiting for someone who wasn't there,wasn't coming and knowing that my ride was now about 3 suburbs over and in a meeting.
I was BEYOND PISSED.
I was switching between absolute anger and total crushing disappointment, over and over.
He sent me a message... in my anger, all I can remember was the suggestion that I get a cab and the words shit, shit shit at the bottom.
I messaged back 2 words.

"forget it"

In the same instant I sent that...He messaged, volunteering to put back His meeting, to come and collect me, and take me to where I needed to be.
Before I could reply..I got another message telling me that I had made Him angry and sad that I would just say "forget it" and that He hoped I would have a nice afternoon as He now knew He wouldn't.

So there I stood, outside McDonalds, bawling my eyes out. 3 guys asked me if I was ok...did I need help?
No..I was fine, just angry and upset all at the same time.

 For the first time ever.. Today He saw my temper. I guess it didn't impress Him much, especially to be on the receiving end of it.

What I didn't know was He had forgotten His phone.
What He didn't know was I was inside waiting for a call.

Its both our faults.
It was one big fuck up.
The worst part?
I know I won't sleep tonight as we didn't get it sorted out. I hate that..with a passion.


Update on the possible Dom search, I have now had quite a few more messages..some funny, some sad, some bizarre and one who intrigues me.. OH and one who offered to lick my arse.
Now that's an offer I have never had before.

too curious.....

In all my *cough* wisdom, I have decided to test the level to which I am submissive.

Confused yet??? Yup, good, me too.

I have this funny feeling I am not truly submissive at all, that I am only submissive to ONE.

And since He no longer owns me, I have decided to test things, see if I can't find someone who makes me feel submissive who can give me the things He couldn't.

I am not doing this to hurt Him, and I am actually not enjoying this much at all, but I have to know for myself.

The reason I am blogging about it?? I am hoping, within reason, that He will be part of my journey.

He still has access to my Fet account, and if.... IF I make another account on another site where I may post a personal ad, I will give Him those details also...should He want them.

I trust Him, I trust His opinion. He knows me well, He will know who can handle me, and who can't.

I have redone my Fet profile, and posted a personal ad.

That was 5 hours ago...in that 5 hours, I received 4  direct messages.
Two were young enough to be my son.
One was a sub who thought I was cute and wants to maybe have coffee.
And the other was a Cross Dressing, Transexual, Bisexual who is already in a relationship.

I also had 2 comments on the post, one says the post looks interesting and the other wants to ignore me already.

Great...so if either of them think I am messaging them...not gonna happen.
I am dearly trying to hold my tongue and not go in there and post something sarcastic.

I am also wondering about now why the fuck I even posted the ad to begin with.

Am I really so curious that I cannot live without this answer?

I have politely declined all the messages I received, I will leave it all there for a week or so, at this point, I am not expecting Prince Charming to message me with some happy ever after tale involving spankings, whips and chains, but who knows.

My problem??? I am too damn curious for my own good!!

The Ugly Truth about Bananas

I once had a pair of friends, who loved each other in their own ways, living 1000's miles apart, neither having easy, uncomplicated lives.
Both had issues, both wanted to protect each other from hurt.
So, by wanting to protect each other, they both kept the honest truth to themselves, which in turn, meant that they were making decisions for the other.
By sparing the person you love from the "Ugly Truth", you are not telling them everything, and you are taking away the right they have to make their own decisions.

On one hand, this is caring at its best. No one likes to hurt the person they love.
On the other hand, you are being less than truthful and you then miss out on the possibility that they too have an "Ugly Truth" they have been sparing you from.

I have an "Ugly Truth"

I kept it from someone I love.

I ended an important relationship in my life, and I didn't tell the honest truth.

The honest truth would hurt them, make them feel as if it were all their fault, and that's not the case.
Nothing is ever one person's fault when it comes to relationship's. Two people are involved. Two people start it. Everyone has faults.

My fault, I have this thing inside me that wants to protect the people I love from hurt.
Most people have it in some form. I have this insanely huge need to always protect the one's I love.
My kids, my family, my friends...it doesn't differentiate between who it is. I am the original mother bear who protects things viciously.

The protection comes in all forms, it comes in telling people off who hurt the ones I love, it comes in the form of keeping secrets to protect people, it comes to physical violence when the need calls for it. I don't hesitate to step into a fight to protect the ones I love.

My Ugly truth is I couldn't be in a relationship with someone I loved and not feel like I was an important part of their life.

A lot of the time I felt like I had no place in his life.
That I was a convenience rather than a priority.
The things I wanted were never things he couldn't give me, just things he chose not to give me.
Knowing he CHOSE to not give me the things I needed hurt the most.
I made the CHOICE to give him everything I could, even the things he didn't ask for.
I also made the choice to end things and not tell him stuff as to not hurt him.
I was wrong.
I don't have the right to end a relationship without telling the ugly truth.

Talking to a friend after it was all said and done...She gave me the honest and ugly truth.
That I hadn't been fair, that I had taken the right away from him to choose.
I should have given him the ugly truth and let him make his own decisions based on the whole truth.

I should have told him that I needed to hear his voice more.
I should have told him I loved him.
I should have told him that this would be easier knowing he loved me, that it would make it worth it.
I should have told him that I couldn't keep it this way any more.
I should have told him I would have taken his secrets to the grave.
I should have said a lot of things.
I didn't, because I didn't want to hurt him.

Ha made me promise not to fall in love.
I didn't.
What I did do, was believe in him, trust him, share things with him, let him through these walls into that place I have reserved for those I trust.
I let him into my heart.
I do love him.
Its impossible for me to have shared the things with him that I have and not feel love.
But I am still not "in love"
"In love" to me means happily ever after.
You can love people you get no happy ever after with.

My friend told me I had to share these things with him...that if I didn't, I was making his decisions for him.
That by not sharing the "Ugly Truth" it was like making a Banana cake without the Bananas.
A Banana cake without the Bananas is just a vanilla cake.

She told me I hadn't done wrong, I just hadn't finished it.
I needed to add the Bananas.

So this letter is my Bananas. This is my Ugly Truth about Bananas.

I love him.
I didn't want to end the relationship.
I just didn't want to tell him that I couldn't live without the things he CHOSE not to give me any longer.
And I was wrong not to share my ugly truth and let him make his own decisions.

a Deviation....

There comes a time in everyone's journey where they either reach their destination and begin a new one, or they veer off slightly and detour, deviating from their original destination.

I have veered....even more to the left than I was before.
I am slightly left of centre on the best of days.

I have asked Master to release me from my collar.

I didn't do it while having a hissy fit. I did it while calm, albeit it very upset.

I wrote an email, I figured that's how it started, its kinda fitting that's how it should end also.

I have...over the last few months, questioned my submission, and I don't mean that I was starting to believe that I could no longer be a proper, true, or whatever kind of submissive you want to call it, I just mean that I have questioned the submissive part of me in general.

In the beginning, most of my friends who had an idea about the journey I was about to embark on, questioned that I was submissive, most of them were surprised that I was not entering the BDSM world as a Domme.

I sit back now and wonder what my journey may have been like had I met anyone other than Him.

I have no doubt, I would have lasted a couple of weeks, told them to fuck off when they asked me to do something I didn't want to, and that would have been the end.

I am not truly submissive by nature. I am really quite the opposite.
I often told Master that He gets part of me that no-one else ever did, and I know He understands it, but I don't think He ever really knew just exactly how much it was true.

I am not sitting here, released from my collar and contemplating becoming a Domme, nor am I considering looking for another Master.

I am stepping back from the whole thing.

It is very hard to explain what it is that made me do this, except to say that I found it increasingly difficult to maintain my submission as I was feeling more and more chained to a computer.
Master was always honest with me about what He could and couldn't give me, and for the most part I was happy with what I had, but the little things started to get to me. And I was upsetting myself.

I didn't all of a sudden want Him to propose, or to move in, or to suggest anything of the sort, and we had discussed my issues on a few occasions. I knew these were things that were mine alone to deal with, but there are some things, no matter what you try, you have to admit defeat.

I am defeated in a way, I can no longer be the submissive HE needs me to be.
I am still, and will always be submissive to Him, in that same way I still call the principal from my senior school years by Mr ......, I cannot for the life of me call him by his first name, even though he has asked me to, it just feels wrong and un-natural.

Master will always be MY Master.

We still have contact, with His permission I will still call Him Master, I cannot think of Him any other way.

I just can't be what He needs.

Our journey hasn't ended, its deviated. Its almost as if I have jumped into a car on my own, and we are travelling to the same place, stopping for coffee together along the way every so often.
So the blog won't end here, it just may have lots less posts than it did to begin with.

This is all still very fresh and raw, maybe later He may think differently, or I might, that is something I cannot predict, but for now.... He is someone I truly treasure and do not want to be without, its just the adjustment of what comes next I guess.

And just because it's me, there is music that goes with the post, this one is actually a soundtrack of my week. I have played one CD over and over, every single song having lyrics that called to me, but none specifically fitting the whole thing.

If you have the CD by Adele titled "21" you will know what I mean.

"I set fire to the rain"
"And I threw us into the flames"
"Well it felt like something died"

always and forever HIS kitty.

probably.....

Tomorrow I get a day out.

With a man.

Not Master.

But a man I know and trust.

This man does not know I have a submissive side, nor do I want him too.

I will be attending a function where there will be lots of men.....cute men too.

I can see myself spending an uncomfortable day, wriggling in my chair.


I can't help but wonder what I will be thinking this time tomorrow.

I will probably be wishing I was sitting next to someone else.

I will probably be checking my phone.

I will probably be disappointed in myself for wishing for things that I know will not ever happen.

Whatever happens, I know I will be coming home alone.

Surprise visitors......

Molly, from Molly's Daily Kiss posted a comment on my Pussy Galore Post that she would also love any links to sex and periods posts, or if I was looking for inspiration again, I could blog about that.

I have an issue with sex and periods.....a BIG ONE.

HUGE even.

And its hardly the normal concerns most people have.

I am not icked out by blood....admittedly it's not on the favourite list, but it is also not a huge drama for me either.

I am different to most "normal" women.....and I say that knowing I am hardly one of a kind, or alone in my issues, but neither am I like most other women in my age group when it comes to periods and blood and sex and mess.

I have a condition called Poly Cystic Ovarian Syndrome.
I also have Endometriosis.
And you can add Irritable Bowel Syndrome to that list as well.

So while I look normal on the outside, the insides are a LOT screwed up in one form or another.

I am not a Doctor, nor a specialist in any of these conditions, and I suggest, if you wish to know more, that you research for yourself, ask your doctor, or feel free to comment on this post with a DO NOT PUBLISH line, and I will reply in private if you send through your email addy.

What it means for me on a daily basis is.....

I am on an oral birth control....this helps with some of the symptoms of both the PCOS and the Endo.
What is doesn't control is rapid weight gain/loss, acne, excessive hair growth and constant pain.

What it does do is remove the monthly period that most women get, the one where a lot of those women tell their partners, that "its that time of the month" so "keep your hands to yourself."

I do get the occasional breakthrough bleeding, and I am sure Karma has it in for me...guaranteed when it happens, it's when Master is on His way.... or we have set aside time for a play date. The only positive about this kind of bleeding is that it is usually light, and over in 24 hours.

This post was actually published about 45 minutes before Master was to arrive on my doorstep.
He was en-route to my home, and uncontactable.
I got my period....or breakthrough bleeding rather.
I had no way to warn Him, and this was our second ever session, and I was as nervous as all hell even BEFORE I started bleeding!

I panicked. BIG TIME

I was supposed to be ready, kneeling, waiting, dressed.
What I WAS, was half dressed, no shoes, smoking, nearly vomiting with nerves, and running around the house in a flap.

I rushed out the back door, and nearly bowled Master over...I had been that nervous I didn't hear Him arrive.

I stood there, shocked silent, and looked at my feet, knowing before I even opened my mouth that I had just disappointed Him in a spectacularly non awesome way.
I stammered, blushed and choked out an explanation as to why I wasn't ready, then bolted back inside to do what I should have had already done.

Never in my whole entire life have I had a discussion as frank as Master and I had that day with any male besides my Doctor. He was very matter-of-fact about the whole thing, and then set about proving to me that He has no issue with whether or not I am bleeding, blood does little to interfere with me pleasing Him, nor does it effect how He feels about me and my body. Knowing I wasn't grossing Him out was my biggest concern, it wasn't something we had discussed as it shouldn't have been an issue that day. (damn karma)

I am fortunate with the LDR in that, I do occasionally have to give my body a break from the constant oral Birth Control, about 2-3 times a year, I stop taking it, and have the "normal"  monthly bleed that most women have, and being LDR, I can time these happening for when I know I won't see Master in person.
And bleeding doesn't much effect online, phone and other contact.

The LDR also lets me hide the effects of having one of those rare breaks off the pill.
Breakthrough bleeding is something Master has no issue with, and I know He would be ok with a "normal" period also.....what happens to me is FAR from either of these, and I know that would put an end to any playing while I was bleeding.

"if I was normal" I know I would not get away with using the excuse "it's that time of the month" and nor would I want it too....... on the rare breakthrough bleeding times, I am turned into a wild woman who can't get enough...saying No to Him would never occur to me.


http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Polycystic_ovary_syndrome

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Endometriosis

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Irritable_bowel_syndrome

These are only wiki links, I do not guarantee they are 100% accurate, and should not be used for a self diagnosis....what they will do, is guide you through the diseases and give you a small overview if you do not already know what they are or the symptoms they present.

I am VERY HAPPY to blog again on this topic if someone has specific questions about ME and MY symptoms. I cannot speak for others, and I know a lot of the symptoms I have, can be more intense, or hardly there compared to other people I know with the same diseases.

This is not a blog I am posting to get sympathy, I do not need it, I don't have a terminal illness, and what I DO have, I have lived with and maintained for over 20 years.

What it IS, is a post to show that your body may be screwed up, diseased, torn, broken or even bleeding, but its still beautiful.....It is YOU, and everyone is individual and special in their own way.

Sorry Molly, it's not the sex and period post that I am sure you were expecting.

a message of my own..

My week of no contact is about to be over, and I must say, while I have not struggled this time, I am ready for the week to be over.

My inner slut re-appeared just before Master went away again, and I am glad she hung around this time, rather than stowing away in His luggage.

That could have something to do with being put on webcam, stripped naked and made to do.....all sorts of stuff.

I was also left with the instruction that each day I was to write on my body beneath my clothes and take a full length naked pic, and each night I was to have time becoming acquainted with the butt plug. With the daily pic of the writing on my body, I was also instructed to insert a "largish" item and take a pic.

I am getting better on the camera I must say, I used to take a million pics just to get a couple that are not blurred, now I get them done, little edits and voila!!

The writings on my body have varied between "SLUT" and "HIS KITTY" and others in between.

Today was the last day I had specific instructions on what to write, which means that tomorrow, which is the last day of no contact that I am not required to write, pic, insert or use the butt plug.
After 6 days, its become habit to write, pic, get dressed, head to work.....it will feel slightly odd tomorrow to NOT do as I was asked for the last week, especially since I still wont have any contact.

Soooo, today's words are "Open For Master" and the "largish" item of the day is bought to you by the largest banana I could buy at the grocery store.

And tomorrow....... well I might just surprise Master with a "word of the day" of my own... a private message from me to Him.

untitled writing 3...

His hard cock sits touching the very entrance of my cunt, not entering, but letting me know it is right there, ready to fuck me.

He voice growls softly in my ear..

"Ask your Master nicely my kitty, tell your Master how much you want His cock and where you want it"

My head drops to the bed, face turning red, wanting His cock to fuck me badly but hating it when He makes me speak, beg, ask for it.

"Please Master" I say in a soft voice, muffled by the bed.

"Louder my kitty, you know what I want, if you don't do as I ask, you get nothing"

"I am begging you Master, please fuck me with your cock"

His cock enters my cunt, just the tip, then stops.

"Where do you want my cock kitty??" His voice deep, compelling, the forceful tone making sure I am aware this is not a polite request.

He tips me over the edge I have been balanced on for over an hour, being teased, tormented and used for His pleasure. My head lifts from the bed, the redness in my face disappearing as something inside me takes over, I turn, looking at Him over my shoulder.

My eyes telling Him that He just pushed that invisible button inside me He has been chasing.

I shoot Him an evil look, my mouth opens ....

"Fuck me Master, take the cunt you own and use it, don't be gentle"

His cock slams deep inside me, pushing hard, between His cock and the butt plug He placed in my arse earlier, I feel full, expanded, and knowing I am about to push my luck I look at Him again, wanting to see the look on His face.......

He frowns at me, not sure of the look on my face. This is the first time He has seen me like this, in this odd mood.

"is that it??"

before I can register that I am thinking them, I hear the words exit my mouth.

He smiles, a slow evil smile, looking me right in the eye.

"Oh my kitty, you shall surely regret those words"

LDR Troubles

It is no secret Master and I have a Long Distance Relationship...and a slightly left of centre one at that.

We have things that suit us, agreements we have made, that suit us, that others would find distasteful, bizarre or even wrong, but 99% of the time, it works for us.

Each relationship in life is individual in its own way, no matter who it is between, ours is no different, just slightly more unusual than most.

Prime Example..... Others want a Master they can love, be devoted to, and would only stand for a LDR if they knew there was an end in sight, usually resulting in the relationship becoming 24/7.

Master and I don't have that, and nor do we want that.

It was made clear to me from the very VERY beginning,  that while there is and will be much happiness, there will be no whisking away by Prince Charming to live a Happily Ever After life.

We are LDR, and will always be that way while I am his submissive.

So to break it down to basics, Master has His life, and I have mine, its just that my BDSM life belongs to Him. He gets to make the rules, give the orders and do the teaching.

In my ordinary life, I am the boss, I can do what I like, when I like, and how I like.

He just seems to have this ability that I lack to be able to place me in a box in His life, where He can shut the lid when He needs to and do other things.

I can't do that, I have to be HIS submissive ALL the time, even when I am controlling my own life, I am still His, and He is never far from my thoughts.

Its that bit I struggle with sometimes. There are times I would love to put Him figuratively into a box and shut the lid. And I don't mean remove Him from my mind or my life, but sometimes it would be nice to be able to turn it off when its not necessary at that point in time.

Over the past couple of months I have contemplated returning His collar to Him, both times I imagined playing with Him and then handing Him the collar for Him to take when He left.
I didn't do it for 2 reasons...

The first because I wondered if this was a "phase" I was going through, life for both of us had been not normal, and that effected our relationship and the time we have together in a bad way. And had I handed it back in the heat of the moment so to speak, that it may have been something that time or a simple fix could be found for.

And the second, because I truly believe, and I have maintained all along, that He is MY Master, and I have no interest in another. Not now, not in the future, not at any time. And by handing back the collar, I may hand back the symbol of His ownership of me, but it wouldn't break the bond we have.

While some day in the distant future, He may not own me, I cannot ever see me being in a place where I would wish to have no contact with Him, and I knew that would be a very real possibility, should I return that collar. I was NOT ready for that to happen.

Yesterday I admitted to Him that I had been feeling like that. I had wanted to tell Him for weeks, but never knew the words, never could find myself in  place where I could explain calmly, rationally and coherently.

Yesterday I found out I am headed into a week with no contact, family comes first, then work, then us after that. His work is taking Him to a place where I am left behind for a week, and I knew deep inside I would sit and overthink things while he was gone, resulting in Him possibly coming home to shock at me being a twat.

You don't realise how much things weigh on your thoughts until you can share them, after I had explained, probably ineffectively how I felt, we managed to clear the air, He learnt things, and I did also.

We both learnt that while neither of us "love" the other, that we have a bond that, for me at least, cannot be broken as simply as I thought it may have.

Amongst the discussion, Master offered me some "time off", which I thank Him for, but declined. There is really no point to agreeing to have some time apart, it wont make one shred of difference, and the up coming week of no contact will do that quite effectively for me anyway. On top of which, I don't want this to be some relationship where its on, then off, then on, then back off again. Fuck that juvenile shit. As much as I don't love Master, I do often think of this relationship as some sort of marriage, you cant just quit when it gets hard. Life is hard sometimes, doesn't mean you just cave in and give up, it just means we are about to be tested, and if we can get through it, that means we will be stronger at the other end.

While we may have a not so conventional relationship by any stretch of the imagination, it is still one that has a lot of value in my life, and not one I am willing to just give away when I hit a bump in the road. Like someone wonderful said to me, "It is just like the honeymoon bit is over, and there has been a transition to something different"

I just have to get my head around the honeymoon bit that it over...I don't want this to become some boring vanilla relationship, where we do little but discuss work, kids and hobbies.

I still want my boundaries to be pushed, it was that pushing that found the inner slut the first time, I knew she is lurking, just waiting to be yet again, pushed from her hiding spot, back out, on to her knees, in front of Him, where she belongs.

Pussy Galore...

I have contemplated various things to blog about over the last week.....and the only time I had any real inspiration, I didn't have my laptop with me, and it just didnt flow when I got home.

I asked Master earlier in the week, if He would give me a photo or two that I could post on my blog from our play session earlier in the week.

He did, but I still had no real idea what to actually blog about until I came across a post on Fetlife.

The topic was female anatomy, and a reply by Molly  of the Molly's Daily Kiss inspired this post.

Molly has Pussy Pride and it has inspired me to join in.

I am a woman....just in case you hadn't noticed, and therefore I have a pussy.

Now...it is known by various names, some individual and dependent on who I am chatting to as to what it is called. Cunt, Pussy, Hole, Taco, all of those and occasionally others as well.

Now I realise that you really can't see too much of the pussy there, but I am limited on the pics I am allowed to post of myself without His explicit permission.
I was always ok with my pussy until after the birth of the last child...weighing in at 10lbs, Darling Child assisted in the ruination of the ok thoughts I had about my pussy, after DC was born, I all of a sudden was left with a lopsided labia, which ..to ME, is very noticeable, but hasn't been mentioned by anyone else.

I am a waxer rather than a shaver, I hate the itch left by shaving, but fell in love with the smooth clean feeling being hairless allows you to have. So off I go every 4-6 weeks, full XXX Brazilian, and I feel GREAT after, and the pain during leaves me wanting something after.....but that's slightly off topic.

I have a pussy, clean and smooth, and I have to say that over the last 8 months, if nothing else, I have learnt to appreciate my body, even the bits I didn't like before, so I guess you could say I have Pussy Pride

p.s this is the view that greeted Master last time we saw each other... head down butt pussy up, so BEFORE I was spanked, fucked, flogged, blindfolded and BITTEN!!!!

As good as the Hitachi????

I have become quite the twitter addict...not to sure whether that is good or bad yet, thats a decision still pending.
But I am having a lot of fun with it, and I have met some amazing people, some good, some great, some just complete morons, but I still follow them as I am usually quite amused at the dumb shit they post.

One I have actually met in person, and hope our coffee date was just one of many more to come.

The majority of the people I follow, and who follow me are from other countries, which sometimes makes me think I was born on the wrong continent, but thems the breaks I guess.

_sub_girl was one of the reasons I joined twitter. She pretty much kept at me, reminding me on the odd occasions we catch up for our coffee/wine skype dates that it was fun and a good way to meet people, and I had read her blog for a while at that point, also following her tweets just from a bar at the side of her blog.

So I did it.

And I love it.

My phone now hates me, as I seem to run it out of battery a lot quicker than I used to, always checking and tweeting depending on work and the mood.

This morning I volunteered to become a sex toy reviewer for a company who posted on twitter saying they had a special toy and they were wondering who was game enough to try it. I did a quick look at the link and said I would try it, send pics and write a review if they would like me to. Only problem was, when I read the size of the product, I forgot that we Aussies work in metric and these measurements were in Imperial!!!
Soooooo, while 17 sounds like fun, when it is in inches and NOT centimetres there is a HUGE difference, and I am thinking next time I offer to review a specific product, that I should do so AFTER the second coffee, not before the first!!

But....living in a small town with no easy access to any sort of sex shop without at least a one hour drive, being a reviewer sounds like a great way for me to earn my toys for Master to torture me with, rather than having to save and wait til a trip to the city.

Just please be aware of one thing.........If they happened to send me a toy as good as my hitachi...I may never get out of bed EVER AGAIN......not even to eat!

I am His slut....

There is nothing like the impending loss of someone wonderful in your life to make you think about things.

I have someone very important to me, terminally ill, and as of today, they are not expected to live more than the next 24 hours.

It is making me reflect on my life, what I have done with it, how I have made that person proud of me, what I want in the future and what comes next.

I know, over the next little while, I am having to cope with being a single parent, with both children involved in various sports and hobbies, I have my job, my volunteer work, and for a little while, I have extra work on top, and I do all this knowing I am fitting in a funeral before too long.

For the last week, I have been the emotional woman that I am normally NOT.
I have cried at the drop of a hat.
Even typing that sentence is bringing tears to my eyes, and I am FAR from the girly girl who cries at the toilet paper ad's on TV.

D/s is my release. It allows me to be the hidden me, the me that no one sees day to day.
Having a session with Master allows me to hand over all control to someone I trust. All the bills, kids, life worries and everything else can get left at the door, and for those few hours,  I can just be told, ordered, asked, please, beg and submit to His every whim.
There is no yelling, no washing, no bills to be paid, no one to chauffeur around to a football game or what not.
There is just Him and me, and whatever the mood brings.

Of all the times I DONT  have time to fit in a session, this is the time I REALLY want one.

All I want to do is give up that control, forget the outside world, forget trying to work at one place and run a business on the side, forget I have responsibilities. Forget that sometime soon I have to say goodbye to someone I love dearly.

With all that is going on in my life, it is getting harder and harder to remember I am His kitty, tasks are not something I am expecting, Master knows how totally insane my life is at the moment, some days I feel like I dont have 5 minutes to scratch my arse, let alone lock myself in a room to take pics, or to masturbate for X amount of time, and while I am eternally grateful of His understanding, I am also missing tasks. They are the reminder for me that I am HIS kitty, when I can't be near Him physically. I know He has different motivation behind the tasks, and the end result is always for His pleasure, seeing me do different things, knowing I am doing as asked, whatever the case may be, but for me, besides that I do them to please Him, I also do them to remind me of what I am.

I am His submissive slut.

I am the strong one, I am the one every one loads with tasks so they can have their moment to grieve, I am the one who does everything, I am the one who can't and doesn't say no to helping them, I am the one who holds it all together, maintaining a brave face, letting them do what they need to, I am the one everyone turns to, but for Him, I am just His slut, His kitty, His submissive, and I can be NOT the one in control.

In this horrid time of having to take control over so many things, all I am wishing for is to be able to give up that control......just for a little while.

Butt Plugs and Hitachi's...

I have decided to get a little healthier, walk more often, eat better, that kind of thing.

NO actual diet so to speak, just a get ready for summer, bikini, trim down kinda thing.

So yesterday I said to Master I was going for a walk.

I was told that He had thought about making me wear the butt plug while I went, but this time I could just remove panties and go commando under the pants instead.

The damn kids distracted me, and about 10 minutes into the walk, I thought OH FUCK!!.

Panties were still on.

I debated about finding a public toilet, or other secluded area to remove them, but since I had a child with me, I decided against it, and just continued on with the walk.

When I returned home, I admitted that I had forgotten to remove them as I had been instructed to.

Damn that gene I have which doesnt allow for white lies or a slight misleading of the truth. I KNEW if I didnt admit to forgetting, that I would lay awake later in the night, until it got the better of me and I would have gotten out of bed, sent an email admitting to the fact that I had forgotten, and then I would be in SOOO much trouble for not admitting to it at the time, that punishment would be worse, so I just did it. I admitted I forgot.

I was then swiftly instructed to go and place the medium sized butt plug in.
Which, by the way, has been named Mr Burrows.
I have a Master Burrows, a Mr Burrows, and a PAPA Burrows, who is the DADDY of all butt plugs, or so my arse thinks. I am pretty sure I cringe when I even look at it in the toy bag.

I was also instructed to sit on a chair, or other surface every 5 minutes and bounce up and down.

I can hear you say "What the FUCK??"

I said that too, but I also know better than to argue, so instead I said "Yes Master" and did as I was told.

I will add at this stage, that for some unknown and highly unusual reason, I havent really been horny for about 2 weeks, which is when I saw Master last. And even more unusual is, I havent masturbated in all that time.

So to my surprise, this bouncing on the edge of the bed (due to children in every other available room) had me dripping wet and horny in about 3 bounces.

Anal sex is not one of the things I crave the most, and even as little as 3 months ago, was a dreaded thing at best. But one of those things I did JUST to please HIM.

This time I was aching for it, the feeling of this plug filling my arse, which is reserved for Master, and sitting at just such an angle that it moved as I bounced, slowly gliding in and out, and I soon worked out that if I tilted my hips at just the moment, that every time I moved downwards, that it caused my pussy to clench and before too long I was on the verge of my very first anal orgasm.

My 5 minutes bouncing was up, and I reported back as per normal, but added that all of a sudden I was horny, and I if in the case, that it seemed as if I had disappeared, that I could be found bouncing on the bed and was intending to let dinner burn until I had gotten myself off.

Wrong move.

The following instruction then appeared.

"well tonight you will make the aquaintance of the hitachi and whilst wearing the medium butt plug, fuck that cunt of yours hard until you come, thinking of your Masters cock in your arse"

Ohhhhhhhhhh Boy.

That statement alone had my pussy clenching that hard that I nearly came while standing there.

The thought of His cock in me, and the Hitachi on my clit, had me shivering, shaking, and wondering how soon I could bribe the kids into going to bed, or whether I might be able to lock them in a room with loud music to cover the noise of the Hitachi and the sound of me moaning.

Bedtime came, the porn got turned on, and I was set and ready to come, and determined to come hard.

Towel down ( I have been turned into a squirter) Hitachi plugged in, Butt plug at the ready, and I was set.

I was still wet from the earlier session with the butt plug, so I used the juices still running from me to lube the plug, and got it inserted. I also started playing with the hitachi, but was yet to switch it on, I was enjoying the porn I had on, before long I got to the point I flipped that switch.......

Within ohhhh, about a minute, maybe a minute and a half later, I unexpectedly found myself squirmed to the top of the bed, with my head pressed against the bed head, the Hitachi buried deep inside me, the butt plug half out of me and a uncontrollable urge to see if I could make myself cum again straight away.

4 orgasms later, I came back to earth, with the Hitachi vibrating on the bed between my legs, and the butt plug no where to be found.

I had all good intentions of getting up afterwards, and typing a post for the blog while the details were fresh and the pleasure still rolling through me, but after 5 orgasms in about the same amount of minutes, I was not leaving that bed for anything, and was all of a sudden glad Master wasnt there to make me get up and get Him something, cos all I managed to do was switch the tv off, push the hitachi off the side of the bed to land on the floor, and I rolled over and passed out.

I am pretty sure they werent anal orgasms, but I am now certainly looking forward to finally having one, something I never thought would ever happen, and if I truly think about it, I am pretty sure that anal sex was on the list of soft limits.......wonder how that happened......

Bitch in Heels

Tomorrow I have to collect one of the kids from their father after I finish work.

BUT...... This is not normal... NOR am I working in my normal job tomorrow.

My normal job uniform consists of baggy jeans, a t-shirt and boots. Under which is usually a g-string or less, and occasionally some sort of writing on my body to go with the piercings that no one sees but Master.

But tomorrow, I get to play dress ups so to speak.

I am working a temp job for the next few days, weeks, whichever the case may be.

Out go the baggy jeans...in come the skinny leg jeans, or the short skirts, or a dress, along with a low cut top or two, bend over to help a customer...show them the meagre cleavage I can scrape up, dangling enticingly right beneath their eyes, encased in red lace, or black...depending on the mood, while I kneel at their feet in what I know to be a submissive position, but to them is just a good angle to perv, it appeals to them, but they are not quite sure why.

I have a feeling tomorrow will be a horny day...all dressed up, make-up on, heavier than normal, almost bordering on slut like...and won't I enjoy collecting aforementioned child from their father, while dressed like he has never seen, wearing those 5 inch heels he used to tell me I couldn't buy. ( I now have 5 pairs of shoes in that height heel)

With any luck the sight of me dressed like that will remind him of what he can't have, of what I am giving away.

If this is sounding slightly vindictive....it is.

Earlier in the week he got all childish with his communication with me, and this is payback of the worst kind....the only thing that could make it better is if one of his friends hits on me when I collect the child....I am ever hopeful he will be standing close enough to hear if the other boys comment on my longer looking legs, or the fact I have trimmed down, or that they didnt know I had a body like that under those horrible clothes I normally wear to work, or that they have never seen me with make-up on before.

I know him well...I know he will "grin and bear it" while I am there, all the while seething with anger inside that I have gotten on with my life, and that I am coping ok without him, and with any luck, looking shit hot......He did predict I would be begging him to come back within 6 months.

Look out boys tomorrow...this bitch is on the prowl.

And of course...me being me, there is a song for every occasion

And here it is............ click to see what the mood for the day is

Yes, yet again I am showing my lack of grace and class, but Oh well!

OH...and Yes, those ARE my legs you see above.

horny and wanting....

An aching pussy.

A throbbing clit.

The feeling of needing to be filled.

Mouth watering at the thought of His cock filling it.

Arse clenching in readiness of the feeling of His hand spanking me hard.

I have not cum in 4 days.

And I am not allowed to cum before I see Him next.

I am wishing it was tomorrow.

I am dripping in readiness for Him to treat me how He wishes to.

I am horny to the point that if I wriggle just right in my tight jeans, that I think it may tip me over the edge.

I should have worn panties today, instead I have the seam of these jeans resting on the super sensitive clit thats begging for me to rub at it, pinch it, place the hitachi on it.....just something, anything that will make me cum, and yet I resist.

Because I was told not to.

I have no doubt that tomorrow morning I will wake up with my hand between my legs, rubbing at my clit.

Luckily its winter here in Australia and I can wear pj's that may stop me playing to the point I cum as I wake.

control me...

For some reason, I have had control on the brain since Friday last week when I was ordered to wear the butt plug out to a lunch date with my mother.


I also had "Master's Cunt" written across the pubic bone above a freshly waxed pussy.


I was horny all day.


I have had horny moments over the last 7 weeks, but I havent spent a WHOLE day horny like that since before Master went away.


It got me thinking about control....and I am not entirely sure I can effectively explain the thoughts going on in my head, but I will give it my best shot.


Control...as per a dictionary is listed as...
1. To exercise authoritative or dominating influence over; direct.
2. To adjust to a requirement; regulate: 
3. To hold in restraint; check: 
4. To reduce or prevent the spread of: 


Well, there is no denying Master does the first, anyone else who told me to wear a butt plug would get told to fuck off quick smart.


The second is my job I guess, although I had never actually though about it like that before.


The third is part of my submission, that I am held, and hold myself in restraint e.g Holding my sassy mouth shut.


I am not sure the fourth holds much meaning in what I have had in my head lately, but I am sure it must fit in there somewhere. All it brings to mind is wearing a face mask to prevent the spread of some exotic yet deadly cough or some such thing.


Master exercising His Dominance over me in small ways, is seemingly (from MY point of view only) more appealing and makes it easier for me to FEEL owned.
When I have writing over my body, while at work, serving customers who have no idea that this "normal" looking middle aged woman turns into a dirty slut, who has "nasty" words written all over her body, who has wet panties from being turned on all day knowing she is pleasing someone miles away just by doing as asked without complaint, it makes my breath come faster, it makes me wetter, and it makes me smile.
It is the same when I get an unexpected order in the middle of a day to do something "naughty" and they can be as simple as taking a pic with my phone while at work, hiding in the bathroom and knowing I have to rub my clit for X time and not cum, to wear a butt plug out in public....the all invoke the same reactions....an adrenaline hit...a rush.....again, its like the addict in me getting a hit.


Even something as simple as being told to not wear panties on a particular day, its all the same. It is a hit, a rush.


When I dont get any sort of control...I get itchy...like I am craving something and not sure what will ease it.
There is nothing I can do to help myself ease the craving, there is no magic word/food/drink/task/mantra or anything else. Even speaking to other Doms doesnt ease it, depending on who they are, they can do one of two things...they can either distract me long enough that I forget I am craving it (good to point out here, that forgetting will only last the length of the conversation, its not a FORGET forget) OR they are idiot Doms who I tell to get lost and then the cravings intensify, all because I remember how wonderful He is and that it is HIM that owns me, and therefore controls me.


I am under no illusions that each of my tasks are there for a specific purpose, whether it be teaching me to look at things from a different point of view, to make me sit and think about my reaction to something, and how it could have been different, to get me horny, or more importantly to please Master in ways I am still yet to understand.


Of all the things I think about, WHY it pleases Master is often the LAST thing I think about, the why is not as important to me as the HAVE, as in I HAVE pleased Him.


I can look back now...with having had 2 weeks contact with Master since his return, that the control was one of  the things I missed the most....and that a lot of my issues over His emails, were not because they werent long and lengthy, full of news about far away places I couldnt see, it was because in the back of my mind, each time I saw there was an email there,

 I had a hope that it would contain something that would control me.